Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace
by gamer4
Summary: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Smash Mansion, a lunatic that works for the most dangerous smasher of all time breaks out of the smasher prison! His number 1 target? Why, none other than Mario Mario! Third installment of the Mario Mario series. Based on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Complete!
1. A Fistful of Letters

Gamer4 in! Hey, people, and welcome back to the Mario Mario series! It has been a while! I'm working on a theory- if I have a longer break between stories, it will mean shorter breaks between chapters. (After all, there was only about a week between the end of _Hylian Stone _and the start of _Dungeon of Secrets_.) Depending on when this goes up, I _might _be running two stories at once for a while, which would unfortunately mean slower updates, but I'm almost to the end of that story, so we'll see. Anyways, I suppose I should note to any newcomers: as a warning, if you want this story to make any sort of sense, definitely read the prequels mentioned above. Of course, it's not likely to make any sense anyways, but still! Anyways, with no further preamble, on to the first chapter of _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace!_

Disclaimer: You get this once, and only once: I own neither Harry Potter or Super Smash Bros. Enjoy that legitimate disclaimer, it's not going to be a thing.

Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace

Chapter I

A Fistful of Letters

The world is a weird place. This is a very well-known fact, and a very famous quote by... somebody. I don't know, maybe I should have done my research before I came in to write this.

...As it turns out, the person who made that quote was... me, right here, right now. Meaning it's not actually all that famous of a quote. Ah. Yeah, definitely should have done my research first.

However, I think I have just the story to prove that the world is weird. And it begins the way all great stories do: with a man vomiting over the side of a ship.

...Wait, what?

Huh, I've just been informed that the only story that actually starts that way is _Shutter Island. _My bad. But hey, that's the way this story starts, too. So let's get started.

XXXX

As stated, the story begins with a man vomiting over the side of a ship. He was a very strange man. He was short and dressed in a spacesuit complete with helmet, though the helmet was currently removed due to his perpetual seasickness. The helmet had a red light at the end of a long antenna that, though it won't actually be important for most of this story, doubled as a whistle. He had a large nose, eyes that were almost always closed, and the only hair on his head was a few strands on his forehead. He also happened to be a smasher.

Now, what's a smasher? Well, we'll get to that later.

He wasn't just any smasher, either. He was the President of the smashers. And from this, we finally start getting to the reason he was on a ship despite suffering from seasickness- one of his duties as the president was inspecting the smashers' prison every year. And it just so happens that the smashers' prison happened to be on an island.

Finally, the president of smashing straightened up, taking a deep breath, returns his helmet to his head, and heads over to a nearby chair to continue reading the paper he'd been reading before he'd started heaving.

It was a dark night, though thankfully, not particularly stormy, since reading the paper seemed to stave off the seasickness a little bit. However, the president had only been reading for a second or two when someone walking by said, "Mr. Tate, we're almost there. We're preparing to rise."

Mr. Tate, it should be mentioned here, was the president's name. Olimar Tate, former employee of Hocotate Freight, and current president of the smashers. Quite a success story. Olimar looked up, and, unwilling to open his mouth, gave a quick nod, tucking the paper into a pocket. His spacesuit hadn't originally had pockets, but it turned out this was a major inconvenience for a politician- or anyone, really- so he'd had some made.

Here, Olimar stood up and approached the railing of the ship, looking up at the approaching island. Being an island constructed by smashers to house their prison, it wasn't normal. It was a huge land mass that was- the key point here- floating several meters above the ocean's waves. The island was called, in a fit of absolute creativity, Prison Island. The most eye-catching part of this island was the large fortress that sat on top of it, which, thankfully, had a much better name- on top of Prison Island sat the dreaded fortress of Subspace. This was the actual prison.

As the ship drew near, it began to rise from the water, hovering up to the large island. As it rose, Olimar felt a deep chill grasping him. He shuddered- he hated coming here. Not just because of the seasickness- the guards of Subspace prison were feared the world over as horrifying abominations that would cause the most hardened horror fans to wet themselves with fear. So naturally, they were used to guard the worst criminals the smasher world had to offer.

Finally, the ship reached the dock. Olimar, shaking violently, stepped off the ship. The spires and towers of Subspace prison rose around him. Trembling, he stepped forward and began his inspection.

XXXX

Eventually, he was almost done. The only place he had left to inspect was the top security wing of the establishment, where the worst of the worst criminals were incarcerated. Slowly, he approached the tower and began to climb. The screams of the inmates filled his ears. Subspace was never quiet. These screams were very common. Pleas of innocence, cries to be released, general screams of fear at those horrifying guards. However, as Olimar approached the peak of the tower, the screaming seemed to die out. He passed several empty cells, until a voice suddenly spoke out from one of them. "Ah, is it that time of year already?"

Olimar jumped, and turned to see who had spoken. It was one of the prisoners, leaning back in his cell. "O-o-oh, it's y-y-y-you," Olimar said, teeth chattering. "H-how're things... going?"

"About the same," the inmate shrugged. "Nothing much has changed in... wow, has it already been thirteen years? Time flies when you're having fun, huh?"

Olimar was almost more unnerved by the calm demeanor of this prisoner than by the screaming of the others- people weren't this _normal _after thirteen years in this prison, they just _weren't._ "I...I guess it does?"

"Say, is that the paper?" the inmate asked, eyes falling on the newspaper sticking out of Olimar's pocket.

"Oh... oh, yeah," Olimar stuttered, having forgotten he had it.

"Mind if I... do you mind if I... read it?" the inmate asked, almost pleadingly. "Not much in the way of reading material in this place, you know? It's been so long since I've read an honest-to-goodness newspaper..."

Olimar gave a strangled sort of laugh. "Well... I don't see what... harm it could do..." Tentatively, he pulled the paper out of his pocket and handed it through the bars to the inmate, who accepted it slowly. He didn't dive on it like a madman, as Olimar had expected, but quietly pulled it through, leaning back against the wall, licking a thumb and flicking one of the pages.

"I do love the scent of a good newspaper in the morning," he muttered. "Assuming it's morning, of course. Hey," he added, flicking his eyes upwards, "have you done the crossword yet?"

"No...I hadn't quite- g-gotten around to it, yet," Olimar stammered.

"Oh, good. I do love a good crossword..." he opened the page with the crossword on it. "Let's see... 'twelve-letter word for a smasher who transforms into an animal not of their own species, often monstrously, at the full moon.' Dang, give me something a _little _harder, why don't you? 'W-e-r-e-c-r-e-a-t-u-r-e..."

"I must be going," Olimar said quickly, bowing his head nervously.

"Oh, don't mind me, don't let me keep you," the inmate said, waving his hand. "Say 'Hi' to von Karma for me, won't you?"

"A-alright," Olimar said, and quickly turned and almost sprinted away from the cell.

The inmate gave a light chuckle as he casually turned another page. "Didn't have the crossword done," he muttered lightly, as his eyes raked down the next page. Suddenly, his eyes froze. They locked onto one spot on the page. "No," he muttered, his cool demeanor vanishing. "It can't be..." he leaned in, looking closer. "But... it _is_..."

Suddenly, he jumped up. "Mr. President! You have to get me out of here! I NEED TO GET OUT!"

And so it came to be that, as Olimar hurried out of that fortress-on-a-rock, the inmate's voice was risen out, joining with the cacophony of cries around it for the first time in thirteen years. "I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! TO THE SMASH BROS.! _HE'S AT THE SMASH BROS.!_"

XXXX

...And now for something completely different.

Far away from that floating island, there was a town. And you know what's coming up next.

...Yeah, you do.

It was a town with- wait for it- a very strange name. Nobody knew who'd named it or why, only that it was an obscenely strange name, because, despite having nothing whatsoever to do with creeks or peaches, it was the town of Peach Creek.

So now, you may be wondering, _Why does this town matter? I mean, aside from having a weird name, what does it have to do with anything that just happened? _Don't worry, we're getting to it.

In this town, there was a house. And in this house, there was a family. This family was the Smiths. Father John, Mother Kate, and Son Bill. They were so ordinary that many people forgot what they looked like as they were looking at them. However, there was another member of the family in that house.

He was currently in one of the many bedrooms in the house, logged on to a computer he'd stolen from his cousin- namely, Bill. He was reasonably confident Bill wouldn't notice this, because, besides being dumb as a brick, Bill already had nineteen computers, all identical, with no unique files whatsoever, and convincing him that it was only eighteen would be only too easy.

This boy was roughly thirteen years old, had dark hair and blue eyes. Get ready to hear something that you're going to hear 9001 more times before this story is up- he, in fact, looked exactly like his father, except for his eyes- he had his mother's eyes. Remember this fact. It will be important.

He was currently dressed in blue overalls, a red shirt, shoes, and white gloves. He was always dressed like this, actually. Kind of a habit of his. Signs of puberty were just beginning to show on him, as a few thin hairs began to protrude from his upper lip. He _was _thirteen, after all. He generally wore a red hat on his head, but he didn't have it on at the current time, due to the fact that, of course, it was his power controller- he didn't keep it on him during summer vacation, even if his relatives would have let him.

...I have the feeling I jumped too far ahead. Let's take a step or two back.

The boy's name was Mario Mario, and he was a smasher. A smasher being a person (or rather, a being, as one of the first things smashers learn is that humans are far from being the standard of all life in the universe) with special powers that defy the normal laws of science. A power controller is what most smashers use to channel their powers, the exceptions being pokemon (though, as you may expect, this leads to many legal (and sometimes actual) battles over whether pokemon are truly smashers.) And Mario had just come back from his second year of education in the smashing arts at the Super Smash Bros. school of smashing. If that place sounds familiar, that's a good thing.

Mario sighed and rubbed his eyes. He was currently trying to research a topic for his least favorite class at the Smash Mansion- the study of power-ups, taught by the ruthless, eternally vicious, Wolf O'Donnell. The topic was 'Explain the significance of flame pendants in the events muggles describe as 'witch hunts.''

Well, Mario knew a smasher who'd actually lived through a few witch hunts, but the problem was, he was A.) A ghost, and B.) A little bitter about that era, and wouldn't likely be keen on discussing them. So, he had instead elected to snatch one of his cousin's many computers and use his improbable computer skills to hook it up in his own bedroom so he could research witch burnings with it. There were all sorts of sites by smashers, for smashers if one was willing to look, and he'd been able to log on with relative ease. He was now currently reading about delusional people who relentlessly brutalized people they viewed as inferior and treaded down on them in order to bolster their own imaginary views of their own magnificence. But reading the Harry Potter headscratchers page on TvTropes was getting boring after a while, so he shifted over to actually researching his topic.*

As he browsed through several sites looking for information on witch hunts from both a muggle and smasher perspective, his mind cast around to his previous two years at the Smash Mansion, and the events that led him to this point. Because the truth was, Mario was an abnormality even among the smashers. And it all tied to the M-shaped scar on his forehead.

A long time ago, in a galaxy that wasn't all that far away- in fact, it was ours,- there was a smasher that turned to evil. He got as evil as it was possible to get, then kept going. According to rumors, he died at least twice on this journey into absolute evil, but Hell was too scared of him to keep him. And his name was Tabuu. He had another name, but mainly because it was subject to spoilers for the previous story, Mario refrained from remembering it at this point. He had started out looking like a normal person, but after a great deal of horrible magical transformations, he had been reborn as a hideous being made out of light, an abomination of nature with only thoughts of darkness- basically, not the kind of guy you invited to Christmas parties.

At one point in his reign, this monstrosity had suddenly, inexplicably, developed an interest in Mario. Mario himself had only been a couple months old at the time, so why Tabuu suddenly became so freaking interested in him is anyone's guess. Bottom line is, Tabuu wanted to kill him, destroy him, maim him, and, overall, make his day unpleasant. And while he _did _manage in killing his parents, when he'd tried to kill Mario, the attack had miraculously backfired, the M-shaped scar being the only sign that anything had happened at all, while Tabuu was completely destroyed.

However, as it turns out, death doesn't mean much to some people. Tabuu had so far found not one, but two ways to get back into Mario's life. While we won't go into too much detail, as those particular stories are only a couple clicks away, we'll sum them up for you.

First year at the Smash Bros., Tabuu himself invaded the Smash Mansion on the back of a trusted teacher's head to try and capture an artifact known as the Hylian Stone to regain his own body, unable to conjure a corporeal form. Second year, he proved that even objects he touched turned evil as his old school _planner _was used to unleash a horrible monstrosity on the students of the Smash Mansion, which paled in comparison to a new teacher on the premises more monstrous than anything Tabuu could have conceived of in his wildest daydreams.

Mario sighed and rubbed his eyes. Almost being killed by a gigantic electricity-conducting monster turtle had a way of throwing you off a bit. Somehow, when he thought about it, he couldn't focus on his essay. Ah well, there was always tomorrow. He closed the internet browser and casually glanced at the clock. 3:33. Was it just Mario's imagination, or did 3 seem to be an important number in his life?

Suddenly, his body gave a jolt as the realization hit him- it was 3:33 _on the day of his birthday. _He'd been thirteen years old for roughly three and a half hours without even realizing it. Though, of course, if he'd been listening to the narration earlier, he would have realized it much sooner.

Hearing the narration, Mario wearily muttered, "Shut up, it's too early in the story to be breaking the fourth wall." He was wrong, of course. It's _never _too early to break the fourth wall.

Sighing in exasperation and making a resolution to ignore the narrator for at least the rest of the chapter, Mario headed over to his window to stare out of it. It wasn't like he had much to look forward to on his birthdays. After his parents had been died, he had been left in the hands of his Aunt and Uncle Smith- and to say that their care was questionable was the biggest understatement since the last time I said something was a huge understatement.

...Turns out I haven't actually done that since halfway through the last story. Ah.

They had relentlessly kept him downtrodden throughout his younger years in the hope they'd be able to somehow expunge his smashing abilities from him. This hope, of course, had turned out to be vain. Naturally, however, him going to a school for smashers didn't necessarily mean they had given up- even this summer, they were still doing all they could to pretend he didn't exist. He didn't expect them to acknowledge his birthday- they hadn't acknowledged the last two, after all. Granted, the first one had been because Uncle John had been in the middle of a psychotic breakdown, but Mario still suspected that celebrating his birthday wasn't particularly high on their 'to-do' lists.

They were particularly angry at him right now due to a failed phone call from a friend of his at school- Link Faron, swordsman with an affinity for hammerspace, dressed in green. At the end of the previous year, Mario, desperate for someone to talk to over the summer that wasn't his relatives, had given his phone number to both Link and their third friend, Zelda Hyrule. Link had ultimately been the first to call, and the incident that followed was one that Mario and Link would both agree to never speak of again. It stemmed, of course, from the fact that, as a pure-blooded smasher, Link hadn't had much contact with phones before (though Mario distinctly remembered that there had been phones in _Link's Awakening _when he'd played through it) leading to a confrontation between the boy in green and Uncle John. Mario had been thoroughly reprimanded by his uncle after this, and since, neither Link nor Zelda had called. Unfortunate on Zelda's part, since she was familiar with phones (she was a muggle-born after all,) and had much more common sense.

Overall, he had basically been railroaded into the same summer that he'd had the previous year. The one thing that had changed is that, after making the case that more free time meant less noise and, by extension, better sleep, Mario had finally won the right to allow his pet albatross, Parrakarry, to have a consistently-spelled name. After the author had failed to uphold that, he had settled for letting him out of his cage every now and again, just so long as (this restriction was placed by Uncle John) he didn't attempt to send any letters to his friends.

This was the reason that Mario was currently alone in his room. Parakarry was out flying around at the moment, searching for the 'r' that had just gone missing from his name. And, Mario supposed, he could be doing some other stuff that birds did. Really, he didn't know what albatrosses did for fun. It had been a while, and while Mario didn't tend to worry- Parakary was typically gone for long periods at a time- he did hope the bird would come back soon. At the Smiths', he was the only connection Mario had to the smasher world.

Suddenly, Mario snapped to attention. As he had been staring out of his window in reverie, a sudden shape had appeared on the horizon- or as close to a horizon as a town like Peach Creek was capable of having. It seemed to be a large creature of some sort. Mario hesitated, staring at it for a moment, before he suddenly found himself able to recognize it. As he did, he stepped back, opening the window and allowing the "creature" entry.

As it turned out, it wasn't one single creature, but three separate albatrosses. Two of them, he recognized, one of them, he didn't. One of them, an old, decrepit-looking thing passed out as soon as it touched down in the room. Noticing a package with a note tied to it, he relieved the bird of its burden and put it up in Parrakary's cage, right next to the water bowl, so it could hydrate itself when it awoke. He recognized him as Bootler, the family albatross of none other than the Farons. Deciding to relieve the other albatrosses before opening the package, he turned to the others.

Well, the identity of the second albatross was no mystery- it was none other than Parakarry himself. He, too, was carrying a package with him. After Mario had taken the package off of him, he fluttered up to the cage, sitting directly on Bootler and taking some water for himself.

Finally, Mario turned to the third albatross. While he didn't recognize it, he knew where it came from. It was carrying a package and two letters, and one of them bore a coat of arms he recognized very well- a lion, an R with a lightning bolt on it, a dog sleeping protectively on eggs, and a mountain with several horizontal triangles running through it, all surrounding the central symbol of a circle with a vertical line near the left and a horizontal line near the bottom. Taken together, these seemingly random images became the symbol of the Super Smash Bros. He quietly took the package and the letters from it. This albatross didn't seem to feel any obligation to stay, taking off almost as soon as he'd taken its burden. Moving quietly, not wanting to wake the Smiths, he decided to first open the letter from Bootler.

As he'd suspected, this letter turned out to be from Link. At first, it seemed to be extremely thick, but he realized, as he unfolded it, that it was two separate papers: a letter and a newspaper.

_Hey, there, Mario! _(It ran.)

_How's it been hanging over there? Sorry if I got you into trouble with that whole 'phone' thing. I talked to Zelda about it, (in a letter, of course,) and she sent back a picture of herself facepalming. Apparently, that's not what you do with a phone. Hope the muggles weren't too hard on you._

_Anyways, guess what! Dad entered the lottery this year, just for the heck of it, and guess who won! That's right, the Farons aren't so unlucky after all! I'm writing this from Egypt- we came over here to visit Linebeck on one of his digs. There's some awesome stuff over here- I'll have to tell you in person next time we meet up! Let's just say that you shouldn't mention the 'Eox incident' to Rob. _

_Speaking of Rob, on a much less awesome note, he just got his letter from the Smash Bros. He's been made Head Boy. Hoorah. _

_Back on Egypt, I sent the article over to you also. This is also where I got your present- more on that in the card. _

_We'll be coming back home, soon. Any chance of meeting up in Twisted Lane? If not, see you on the Great Fox!_

_Link Faron._

Mario smiled a little. Link wasn't always the most proficient writer. Nevertheless, he was glad to hear about the Farons finally achieving a victory. There wasn't a family anywhere more deserving of winning a large amount of money than them. It was interesting to hear about the trip as well- he didn't know much about Linebeck, only that he was Link's older brother. He'd already graduated from the Smash Bros., and currently worked as a treasure hunter for the smasher banks. Glancing at the article, he took in a picture of all the Farons standing happily together. From left to right, he could see the tall, mustached and bearded Rusl Faron, the shorter, slightly plump, very kind Uli Faron, Kirby and Meta Knight Faron, identical pink puffballs with looks of mischief in their eyes, Rob Faron, a sentient robot, the young Peach Faron, dressed in pink, and Link himself, dressed in his standard green, and with the cuckoo Oreo standing precariously on his shoulder. On Link's other side stood two more youths- a young woman with a single fang and her hair done up in a ponytail that he assumed was Midna, and a young man with shaggy hair and a thin moustache and a blue pirate-style coat that must be Linebeck himself.

Finally, Mario opened what really amounted to his first (real) birthday present. Under the wrapping was a card sitting on top of a box. Opening up the box, he found a small model sitting inside a glass container. The model was of some sort of relic resembling three triangles with one standing on top of the other two, though if you tilted your head and squinted, it could be a large triangle with a smaller, upside down triangle in the center. Smiling at it, he turned to the card.

_Hey, Mario!_

_This is a model of something called the 'Triforce.' According to Linebeck, it's pretty much the ultimate sought-after artifact, which, of course, means nobody is even sure if it exists. But it's apparently certain that if it exists, this is what it would look like. If it senses someone doing something bad nearby, it's supposed to break apart and the three triangles float around. Linebeck thinks this one's defective because it was doing that all through dinner last night. He didn't take into account that he was sitting next to Kirby and Meta Knight. _

Giving a small, quiet laugh, Mario set the letter next to the Triforce replica. That done, he turned to the package and letter from Zelda.

_Salutations, Mario! _(Mario sniggered at Zelda's insistent formality.)

_How has your summer been going? Mine is perfectly acceptable so far. I mean, I haven't been doing anything as exciting as Link has, if you have heard about that. I read about it in the paper, I've been having it delivered. Such a great thing to happen to them, isn't it? I'm jealous- imagine all the things he's learning over there!_

Mario took a brief pause to do just that, but failed to imagine Link actively attempting to learn.

_Well, okay, that might be a bit of a stretch, _the letter admitted, _but still, it's a wonderful opportunity! _

_Anyways, I know your birthday is coming up, and I even had the perfect gift picked out, but I was just wondering about how to send it to you, when lo and behold, your albatross dancingly descended into my room- through the window._

Mario laughed. "So, in reality, he neither danced nor descended," he said under his breath.

_I think he wanted to make sure you actually got something for your birthday, so I sent your present with him. _

_Anyways, with school starting up again soon, I'll be heading to Twisted Lane in a couple weeks to pick up my school things. From what Link says, he'll be there too! Any chance you can make it? If you can, wonderful! If not, see you on the Great Fox!_

_Sincerely, Zelda._

Mario smiled as he turned to the package Zelda had sent him. He picked it up- he could tell from the size and shape that it was some sort of DVD case. He could easily imagine it being _The Complete Second Season of NOVA _or something like that, knowing Zelda. But he was wrong.

He gave a quiet gasp as he opened the package and found a red DVD case with a large picture of himself in a kart speeding across a raceway. The name across the top read _Mario Kart 8. _

"Nice one, Zelda!" he smiled, setting it aside. It just so happened, he'd also managed to swipe one of Bill's twenty-three Wii Us, so maybe he'd give that a shot before summer was out.

Next, he turned his attention to the final package. The letter next to it was in an untidy handwriting that he recognized as the signature style of his other friend at the Smash Bros.: the Crazy Hand, a gigantic, perpetually insane, disembodied left hand inside a glove. Opening the letter first, as usual, he read,

_Be it going how, Marios?_

_Wat da buzz, wat be goin on? Mez not be hearin from you! It not be da Smittie Werbenjaegermanjensens messin' up again, be it? _

_Mez gottsa gr8 newsies for you! Iz not say here, it be big surprise! My present be kinda clue! It be sometin you be needin dis year! Me say no morez here! All be clear!_

_Crazy!_

Mario turned to the package, and, now genuinely curious, tore it open. It turned out to be... a book. He couldn't discern a title, but the moment it was free from the wrapping paper, it suddenly flung itself open, and a fountain of dark light came pouring out, and a voice began growling what sounded like ancient dark magic- until Mario, panicking slightly, slammed it shut, and, reaching out to his dresser, pulled out an old belt of Bill's that he never used and bound it shut. "Shut up!" he growled. "Your ancient curses are going to wake up my Aunt and Uncle!"

He stared at the book, wondering how such a thing could possible prove useful at the Smash Bros. Ultimately deciding, for the moment, that he didn't want to know, he turned to the final letter. Picking it up, he noticed it was a little heavier than it usually was. Flicking it open, several pieces of paper came fluttering out. He turned to the main one.

_Dr. Mr. Mario, _

_The Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing is excited to see you return for your third year. As usual, there will be transportation to the Smash Mansion from Seatac Airport, Platform Q, 11:00. We look forward to seeing you there. Your ticket and a list of all required schoolbooks for this year are enclosed. _

_As a sidenote, third year students and above are permitted to visit the smashing village of Kurain on certain weekends, provided they receive permission from their parent or guardian. This in mind, a permission form has been enclosed as well. Have it signed and hand it in to the head of your group when you return to the Smash Mansion._

_Sincerely, _

_Samus Aran_

Samus Aran

Vice Headmistress, Super Smash Bros.

Mario was much less happy at this. He knew that the odds of the Smiths actually giving him this kind of permission was slim to none. He'd love to go to Kurain Village, mind you- he heard it was one of the very few towns in the country inhabited purely by smashers or smasher-type creatures- but still... Smiths.

Looking around his room, he sighed. It was too late to worry about it now. He'd consider it in the morning.

Focusing instead on his first real birthday presents, he allowed a smile as he slid into his bed. For the moment, despite all the odd things about him, he could feel like a normal teenager- staying up really late, probably sleeping in late tomorrow, and genuinely happy that it was his birthday.

_XXXX_

*Just as a warning, over the next several chapters, you may hear a very depreciating statement that is then compared to the Harry Potter headscratchers page on TvTropes. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, but if you ever try to read through those, you'll see my point.

And thus ends the very first chapter! Hot _dog, _it feels good to be back to writing Mario Mario! I've been writing another story to keep myself busy in the meantime, and though I love writing that story too, (otherwise I wouldn't be writing it,) it just wasn't the same. It was horror, for one thing, but humor is just more my element. But mystery waits on the wings, too! Who _is _Sirius Black? I will say that I dropped a major hint in one of my previous chapters, and much earlier than you'd think!

Also, just a reminder to people coming back from the previous stories, and to tell those reading this story first- if there's something you're confused about, like if you're fairly certain something was a reference, but you didn't get it, or if there's just something you'd like to know more about- the Q&amp;A system is still in place! Just ask the question in a review, and I will answer to the best of my ability! Aside from that though, (it's great to be saying this again,) please R&amp;R, constructive criticism that may make the story better is welcomed with open arms, flames will be used to bake some pie, Gamer4 out!

Sidenote: I forgot to put this in until literally the second before I uploaded this: the cover for this one is _Mario Potter_, courtesy of rumper1 on deviantart. Thanks to said artist! This time for real, Gamer4 out.


	2. The Megan that Came to Dinner

Gamer4 in. So, how was your guys's time between stories? I've been pretty good, I beat Xenoblade just as I finished Dungeon of Secrets, then played through all three Xenosaga games, and right now I'm in the middle of Xenogears. If you couldn't tell, I've got Xeno on the brain. Xeno, Xeno, Xeno. Actually, I considered replacing the person I originally had in mind for Lupin with Shulk, the hero from Xenoblade, but then the person who'll actually be playing Lupin wouldn't get any screentime at all, something I absolutely cannot allow. But still, I am now part of the 'Shulk for Smash Bros. 4!' movement! But this is Fanfiction, not Facebook, so let's get to the actual story, how about? (Sidenote, my sister who previously knew Harry Potter only through the movies has just started reading the books. She just found out that the line isn't 'You're a wizard, Harry,' but 'Harry- you're a wizard.' Her whole world has been crushed, and she has let me know that her life is a lie. She'd like you to know too.)

Disclaimer: I own a copy of all the Xeno games. Fantastic series. I'll probably get Xenoblade X when it comes out. Did I mention that I like Xeno?

Chapter II

The Megan that Came to Dinner

As it turns out, however, Mario doesn't actually sleep all that late the next day. When he wakes up, it's only roughly 9:00. He only spends a moment or two after rubbing sleep out of his eyes before remembering the previous night. Specifically, he remembers the previous night after glancing over at his bedside table and wondering for a few moments why there were three golden triangles sitting there in a glass dome. And then it hit him.

He jumped out of bed, excited to get started on Mario Kart 8 (Combining the gravity defying of Mario Galaxy with Mario Kart? Come on, that's been begging to be done! Just imagine Rainbow Road!) but ultimately decided to head downstairs and get some breakfast first. As he was heading out, he remembered the other thing he'd put off last night- the permission form to go to Kurain. That would be an issue...

As he headed downstairs, he noted that all the Smiths seemed to be up already. They were all sitting around the breakfast table as Mario entered the kitchen. They all resolutely ignored him as he crossed the floor and popped a couple slices of bread into the toaster. They were all eating eggs prepared by Aunt Kate, but Mario typically ate separately from them. It was nothing new.

As Mario was waiting for his toast to pop up, Uncle John finished his breakfast and stood up. "Well, I'm leaving now," he announced. Up to this point, this was nothing that was going to ruin Mario's day, but what he said next was. "I'm going out to pick up Megan."

At this, Mario almost dropped the plate he'd been taking out of the cupboard. "Wait, what?!" he said in a strangled cry.

"I _said,_" Uncle John said, his eyes flaring slightly, "I'm going out to pick up your Aunt Megan, boy."

"You mean... sh-she's coming over?" Mario asked, trembling. He had faced a lot of things before- a psychotic pokemon that was drinking a Rapidash's blood, a gigantic, poisonous, electricity-conducting turtle with a literal death glare, and giant spiders with the images of skulls on their backs, but none of those things could possibly scare him as much as his Aunt Megan. Every time she came over, she brought him nothing but pain and misery. Whether bringing Bill fantastic presents while bringing bags of fertilizer for him, or siccing her dogs on him, she never meant anything good. And that was without bring up... and here, Mario shuddered... the noodle incident.

"Of course," John snarled. "Why else would I be picking her up? She's coming over to stay for five days. Got a problem with that?"

Mario stared, opening and closing his mouth in horror.

"On that subject," Uncle John added, "we need to have a talk."

"No we don't!" Mario said quickly. "I already know! 'When a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Not that kind of talk!" John interrupted. "We're going to discuss a few things about Megan's visit. First off, she has no idea about your... _condition_... and we're going to keep it that way. Understand?"

"That sounded a lot like an allegory for-" Mario started.

"_Understand?!" _

"Yeah, I understand, I understand!"

"Good," John said. "As far as she knows, you are an ordinary student at Frontier Middle School, set on going to GK high school next year."

"Ah, GK high school," Mario muttered. "Their mascot's the... mockingbird, isn't it?"

"Eagle," John corrected irritably.

"Oh."

"You will not show any signs of your abnormalities while she's here."

"Perish the thought."

Uncle John looked at him suspiciously, then said, "Alright, I'm off."

Here, Mario turned miserably to his toast. The thought of spending any extended period of time with Megan was not one he found inviting, let alone five days. This was easily the worst present the Smiths had ever given him. However, as the toast popped out and he absentmindedly began buttering it, a sudden thought occurred to him. Dropping it, he rushed out into the hallway and called out to Uncle John just before he opened the door.

"What is it?" John asked, sounding exasperated.

"I just got some mail from... you know..." Mario sighed. "Arkham." This was the name that the Smiths insisted on calling the Smash Bros., whenever they had to discuss it at all.

"What of it?" John asked, his eyes narrowing as they always did where Mario's real school was concerned.

"When I go next year, there are going to be certain weekends where the third years and above are allowed to go to Kurain village, a little village off to the side. The thing is, you need a signed permission form to go. Do you think you could... you know... sign it?"

John growled. "Give me one good reason why I should do that."

"Well," Mario shrugged, "it's not easy to lie about what you are. I mean, I have to pretend I don't go to... Arkham... and that I go to that- GK, home of the... jabberjays, I think-"

"Eagles!" John repeated, but Mario was glad to see he seemed to be taking this at least somewhat seriously. "And that's next year! This year, you go to Frontier!"

"Case in point," Mario said, nodding. "But!" he added. "This is a special, once-in-a-lifetime offer! If you sign the form, I will make absolutely sure that I don't let anything slip, pretend I go to Frontier, and... so on."

For a moment, it seemed like John would either agree or explode. Luckily, he decided on the former. "Alright," he grumbled. "If you keep to the story throughout Megan's visit, I'll sign your d*** form."

"Thanks," Mario said quickly, turning away and heading back to the kitchen before John could change his mind.

Initially, he headed into the kitchen to retrieve his toast. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten one key detail- it had been left in the kitchen. With Bill.

As he got started on another couple slices of toast, Aunt Kate started speaking to Bill. "Sweetie-pie, I don't want you going outside too late, alright?"

"What? Why not?" Bill asked, a very impressive constipation-look on his face to express anger.

"Well, I was reading the papers, and it seems like a madman has broken out of prison. It was everywhere. I think his name was... Roy... Eliwood, or something. Mass murderer, apparently."

"Was he a smasher?" Mario ventured, leaning against the counter as he waited for his toast to pop.

"Of course not!" Aunt Kate flared up. "I don't believe even he was capable of _that!_"

Mario sighed. His toast popped up, and he quickly buttered it and ate it before heading upstairs. It wasn't like Bill was going to listen to his aunt anyways. He'd pretend to, then keep on sneaking out at night anyways. All the best bully victims were out at night.

Once upstairs, he returned to his room. Bootler had finally awoken. He and Parakarry were in the middle of grooming themselves when Mario entered.

"Hey, guys," Mario said as he stepped in. "Hey, Parakarry, feeling up to a flight to Ordon Cottage?"

Parakarry took a brief glance at the text, realized that his name was _finally _being spelled consistently, and nodded.

"Good," Mario said. "How would you feel about staying there for a week or so?"

Parakarry tilted his head to the side, as if to say, _Well, okay, but why?_

"Aunt Megan's coming over for a week, and if I pretend to be a muggle for that time, Uncle John will sign my permission form to go to Kurain."

Parakarry stared for a moment, then nodded again. Taking that for consent, Mario headed over to his desk and wrote a quick letter which he gave to Parakarry. "That ought to explain it," he said. "Help Bootler out, will you?"

Another nod later, both albatrosses had flown out the window. Sighing, Mario picked up his cage and moved it into the closet. This done, he picked up his textbooks, considering what to do with them. Ultimately, he decided to just keep doing what he'd been doing. There was another essay Wolf had assigned him on a different kind of power-up, so he picked out the book he thought was most likely to help him and put it down next to the computer. Next, he got on the computer and logged on to his Club Nintendo account to register his new game.

XXXX

Later, Mario heard a car pull up, and grudgingly went down to greet his 'relative.' She was, as ever, wearing a grimace as she stepped through the front door behind her brother. "Come on in," John was saying as he opened the door for her.

Megan looked around for a few moments before she spied Mario. "Oh. You're still here?"

"No, I'm just an illusion," Mario muttered.

"What was that?!"

"Yes, I'm still here."

"Don't talk back to me!" Megan snarled. "I'm afraid John is much too lenient with you. Nice guys finish last, I suppose."

Mario sighed. Megan stepped forward, growling, "Take this," shoving her case into his arms. Mario, sighing again, ascended the stairs and deposited the case in her room. He then headed into his room and did his best to pretend that this situation wasn't a thing. Eventually, he decided to plug Mario Kart 8 in and see what the first retro cup was.

XXXX

...Not much really needs to be said about the majority of Aunt Megan's visit. It was just as bad as ever. She had brought Bill the complete Metal Gear Solid collection, and for Mario, she'd brought a bag of Lays with four chips left. Then again, this was pretty generous by her standards. Mario was so touched he had to wipe his eyes with the used handkerchief that had been the Smiths' last gift to him.

You know how you can be in a bad situation, then you get thrown into a situation so much worse that the original situation seems favorable by comparison? That was the case here. Mario didn't like the Smiths, by any stretch, but at least their preferred method for dealing with him was to ignore him or encourage him to go to his room and stay out of their way- leaving him free to go through his books or hook up the Wii U or computer, as long as he was quiet enough. Megan, on the other hand, insisted on having him around so she could throw out snide remarks about how he looked ridiculous, was clearly a moron, etc., etc. She delighted in finding and expounding on others' faults and ignoring any contrary evidence or personal faults, all in the name of bolstering her own ego. Basically, she was like a contributor to the Harry Potter headscratchers page.

On the first day, Mario basically handled it by looking for any excuse to sneak away and head up to his room. The Smiths were perfectly fine with this- after all, the less time he spent near her, the less likely she was to realize his secret- but, as mentioned, Megan liked finding faults, which wasn't nearly as entertaining if he wasn't there to hear her doing it.

That night, he took some sedatives and stayed up extremely late, playing a couple cups of Mario Kart 8 and heading online for a bit, the theory being he'd have to spend less time with his Aunt Megan if he slept extremely late. He finally went to sleep, under the effects of five separate sedatives, at 4:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, this only got him sleep until half past one the next morning, with the result that he still had about half a day to spend with his aunt.

The remaining days passed mostly like this, with Mario intentionally messing with his sleeping patterns to try and sleep through the day as much as possible, with the bonus effect that, when he was being criticized by Megan, he could just tune out to fond memories of the latest Mario Kart installment. Naturally, Megan began using this as evidence that he was a drug addict. Is it just me, or are we stretching the meaning of K+ a little?

Nevertheless, the fact that he hardly heard these taunts due to fond memories of the new Bowser's Castle or Rainbow Road meant that this method was working pretty well for most of the visit.

Probably the point where he slipped up, he decided later, was the night before Megan's last day. He was still enjoying Mario Kart immensely, but Wolf's unfinished essay was lingering on his mind, leading him to reluctantly put the game on the metaphorical shelf and turn to his books. He flipped through the book, looking for information that would help him. He was supposed to be studying a power-up called a P-balloon. He spent several hours researching its effects, composition, etc., before finally deciding that he just couldn't focus, mostly due to the fact that he'd actually been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again, mostly due to the fact that he'd been reading the same sentence again and again.*

This seems to be a major factor in his big slip-up the next day at dinner. He was glad it was almost over, of course, because soon, he'd be back to just having to put up with the Smiths. Not much comfort, granted, but after this week, it would be like a straight shot through the month until he got to go back to the Smash Bros.

And things were going so well, too. Aunt Kate had gone all out with a large dinner to serve them for Megan's last dinner there, and they got through most of it without Megan even looking at Mario, which suited him just fine. He was currently taking his mind on a full tour of the new courses, wondering if there was any way to use some of those tricks on the Smash-Up field, wondering if he'd go back online that night, just to celebrate.

They finished the main course, and moved on to dessert. Mario wanted to skip out and just head upstairs, but Megan insisted that he stay and clean up their dishes as they finished, so he reluctantly stood off to the side, waiting.

It all started, as so many problems seem to, with Bill. He had finished his fourth serving of Rocky Road ice cream, but was still not satisfied. He turned to Mario and demanded more. Mario, sighing, turned and went to get it.

"Still hungry, pumpkin?" Aunt Kate thought out loud, eyes on her beloved child. "My, you really do have quite the appetite."

"Nothing to be ashamed of," Megan said. "The world needs more healthily-built young men. I mean, compare him to that rat you're raising."

Mario sighed. Here they went. He bent down in the freezer, looking for that Rocky Road.

"It's all down to genetics, of course," Megan said, her hands behind her head. "Bill's got all the dominant genes of the Smiths. I don't want to insult you, Kate, I mean, it's clear you had dominant genes, too, but it looks like your sister only had flawed, recessive ones. And, of course, she got together with that moron of a husband, and he had nothing but recessive genes, too. They get together, and they have a child, and of _course _he'll have nothing but flawed, recessive genes."

Mario sighed, his hand pinching the bridge of his nose- a trick he'd learned from Samus, his homeroom teacher. _That's not how genetics work..._

"I mean, what did his parents do, again?"

John raised an eyebrow at Kate. Kate opened her mouth, closed it again, and repeated the routine a bit. Finally, she said, very clearly grasping, "They... um... they didn't work. Unemployed."

"See what I mean? F***ing hippies. Living off of the good name of the Smiths. They were doomed from the moment they got the hippy genes."

Mario was, at this point, considering shutting his head in the fridge, just so he wouldn't have to listen to this anymore. "They were great people," he muttered into the icebox.

"What did you say?" Megan asked, looking up at him. "What did you just say to me?"

"I said, my parents were great people."

"Oh, I see," Megan said, a perverse sort of enjoyment lighting up in her eyes. "Well, let's compare them and your Aunt and Uncle- one set has a well-to-do, normal job, a steady paycheck, and can easily support themselves. One has no job, are full of abysmal, recessive genes, and burned down their house in a drunken stupor. Which one is better? Gee, I wonder, _can I phone a friend, please?_"

Mario stood up abruptly, punching the table. "_My parents weren't drunks!"_ he nearly shouted.

The glass Megan happened to be holding at the time melted. Mario and the Smiths both stared at it in horror, with the Smiths' eyes occasionally flicking to the former, but Megan, oblivious as ever, said, "Oh, sorry about that, John. My grip is a little too firm, I think. It's only natural that I accidentally melt a cup every now and again."

John, giving a very forced smile, said, "Of course." Turning to Mario, fire in his eyes, he growled, "And you... just go to bed. We'll discuss this tomorrow."

"No, no, no need," Megan said. "Here, boy, take this and throw it away. In the garbage, where you and your family belong."

Mario angrily wrenched the melted cup out of her hand and carried it over to the garbage can. As he did, Uncle John made a noble effort to gloss everything over by changing the subject. "So, Megan, did you hear about that escaped prisoner? Roy... Eliwood, I think it was? Weird name..."

"He probably had recessive genes, too," Megan said, pursuing her original subject. "They don't handle criminals properly in this country. If they just let us shoot them all down, the problem would be solved! Same applies to trash like the Marios, really."

Mario, rage building inside him, began to breath deeply, trying to remember what he'd done the previous night. Oh, yeah, he'd given up on Mario Kart that night to try and write an essay for Wolf. Ah, well, it might be Wolf, but it was still a connection to the smasher world... what was it... P-balloon, P-balloon...

"And now, using my awesome maturity and intellect, I'm going to use a roundabout method to call Mario's mother a b****," Megan announced.

Mario snapped. "Shut up!" he cried. "Shut up!"

Megan spun around to face him, the grimace on her face completely at odds with the glee in her eyes that she'd gotten to him at last. "Oh, you want to defend your trashy family, do you? Well, let me tell you-"

She stopped speaking here. She'd been holding her finger up in the classic 'declarative finger' pose, and she had stopped talking to stare at the tip. It was inflating. Everyone stared at her, as the rest of her began inflating as well. "What- what the-" she gasped as she continued inflating like a gigantic balloon. Even Mario backed off in a little horror as she continued rapidly expanding. As this was going on, she began to rise from her chair, floating upwards, eventually bumping lightly into the ceiling.

"Megan!" John cried, jumping up. Kate stood back with her hands over her mouth, and Bill took advantage of the chaos (unfortunately not the Xenosaga character, though how awesome would that be,) to rush to the freezer and start eating Rocky Road directly from the container.

Mario had seen enough. He rushed out of the room, horrified. Not just by what he'd done, but by what it meant. Underage smashers weren't supposed to use powers outside of school. Heck, he'd gotten a warning about it from the Government just the previous year for a bit of smashing that wasn't even caused by him. The only thing running through his mind was that he might not be able to go back to school.

He rushed into his room and threw as much into his suitcase as he could. He grabbed all his books, the essays he'd written, and his blanket of invisibility (more on that later) and tossed them all in. He grabbed his hat and, after a moment of consideration, placed it on his head. He'd already broken that law, he couldn't really hurt things anymore than he had before.

With that, he rushed downstairs, case in tow. Uncle John intercepted him at the door. "YOU BRING HER BACK!" he shouted. "BRING HER BACK, MAKE IT RIGHT!"

"NO!" Mario shouted, equally angry. "She's a five-year-old playground bully disguised as an adult, she deserved what she got! Out of my way!"

For a moment, John raised his hand, but Mario snapped his fingers, summoning a handful of fire. John retreated about a foot. "Don't pull that with me," he said tentatively. "You aren't allowed to use your powers outside Arkham!"

"Yeah, well, news for you- I already used my powers! The _Super Smash Bros. _has already kicked me out!"

John snarled, "Then where do you plan on going? Who else would take you in?!"

"I don't care!" Mario shouted. "Anywhere is better than here!"

And with that, he grabbed the handle of his suitcase and set out into the night.

_XXXX_

*Hey, Lemony Snicket, how's it going?

I'm not certain about this chapter. I always have trouble with the 'Smith chapters' because, you know... Smiths. I guess that lets me enjoy it when Mario gets back to the smasher world just as much as he enjoys it himself.

Congratulations, by the way, to everyone who guessed that Roy would be Sirius! It seems like everyone got the hint from way back in the very first chapter of these stories! Yes, Roy was always going to be Sirius, if I ever got this far. Like I've said before, I don't know if I'm going to do the whole series, but I write it as if I am. Roy was always in my mind as Sirius, even at the first chapter. To celebrate! Cookies for everyone!

Sidenote, I actually updated one of my stories in the same month that I started it? Well, this is already off to a better start than _Dungeon of Secrets, _which took me _3 freaking months _to update for the first time. Happy Independence Day, everybody! Unless, of course, you don't live in America, in which case, have a happy Normal July 4th, everybody! Because, really, why does it have to be a holiday to be happy? Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism perfectly welcome, flames will be used to light my multi-bottle rockets, Gamer4 out.


	3. The Tonzura Brothers

Gamer4 in. This chapter is intended to be up on July 9, 2014. If you are reading it on that day, it means I've actually succeeded in sticking somewhat to my new update schedule. Well, let's rock it!

Disclaimer: Psi Rockin, of course, being Ness's ultimate attack in Earthbound.

Chapter III

The Tonzura Brothers

Mario angrily stormed off down the street, ignoring a few red flags going off in his mind. It was only when he'd gotten pretty far away from his house (though he was still in Peach Creek) that he actually started to second-guess what he'd done.

Well, he thought, sitting down on the sidewalk, what now? It wasn't like he could go back to the Smiths at this point, even if that idea sounded appealing to begin with. That was the downside of setting out without any clear plan, he supposed- you eventually hit a point where you didn't have any idea what to do.

At this thought, the rest of his anger drained away, to be replaced by the new emotion of fear. It wasn't just because he had no plan- he'd just stomped on some pretty big rules- not just that underage smashers weren't supposed to use their powers outside school, but smashers in general weren't supposed to use their powers in the vicinity of- least of all _on_\- muggles. His imagination went into overdrive, imagining a police station somewhere with his face all over the walls. And here he was, without any plan whatsoever, when it was surprising that he hadn't been arrested yet!

Looking covertly around, he considered what to do. The truth was, he had quite a bit of money... the problem was, it was all in a vault in the 3rd National bank of smashing. It wasn't something he'd ever discussed with the Smiths, but his bank account was loaded with various colored coins and rupees- perfectly symmetrical gems. It was a lot of money, even in the smasher world, and would amount to 'richer than God' in the muggle world, if he ever got it appraised. Unfortunately, the 3rd National bank of smashing also happened to be a ways away from where he was, in Twisted Lane. It would take forever to get all the way there.

Then again... he looked back the way he had come. One of his many possessions from the world of smashing was the Flame Runner, one of the best karts currently on the market- and it would most definitely be faster than walking. If he could sneak back to the Smiths and get the Flame Runner out of the garage... assuming, of course, that they hadn't destroyed it yet...

Well, it was a better idea than just sitting there, so Mario stood and began to make his way back down the sidewalk. However, he'd only made it a foot or two when he froze. The hairs on the back of his neck were standing up. He knew this feeling... he felt as though something was watching him.

He nervously turned around. He was standing on the same side of the sidewalk as a little playground, and all of the things on it were mysteriously moving on their own. The swings were swinging by themselves, and the seesaw was moving... by itself. As he stared at this, Mario thought he saw something move in the area across the road. Turning, his heart nearly stopped. On the other side of the road, moving in the shadows, he could see the silhouette of some great, hulking creature. He couldn't see what it _was,_ exactly, but he could see a pair of eyes in what appeared to be the head.

Nervously, Mario approached, reaching up as he did so to make certain that his hat was on in case things turned nasty. For a moment, the creature didn't move, simply staring back at him. However, as Mario stepped out onto the street, it suddenly seemed to sense something. It looked off to the side, and abruptly moved forwards towards Mario. The movement startled the young pyromancer, who began backpedaling rapidly. As he moved backwards, his feet caught on the curb, and his arms raised in the air as he fell backwards.

_*Beep, beep!*_

No sooner had he fallen off the road than there was a loud beeping noise, and out of nowhere, there came a large black bus, careening around a corner that Mario couldn't see. It was moving incredibly fast, but came to a stop unnaturally quickly as Mario stared. It didn't look much bigger than a normal bus. On the side, the words _Tonzura Brothers _was written in large, simple white letters.

Mario tilted his head in confusion. He'd seen weird things before, but still...

As he watched, a door on the side of the bus opened, and a man jumped out. "Hey, how's it going?" he asked, spinning around. "We're the Tonzura Brothers, and bussin's our business! I'm Lucky Tonzura! How can I help you?"

Mario stared. The man was tall and dressed a green suit over a white shirt. He had a pair of sunglasses (tinted green) on, and he had a hat on top of his head that was... wait for it... green. Aside from the intense green, the other feature catching Mario's eye was his thick moustache.

"...Bussin'?" Mario asked.

"Sure am!" Lucky said, smiling and doing another spin. "You name the location, and we'll getcha there as soon as we can! Don't you know this? You're the one who flagged us down, right? That's what it says here, at least!" Here, he reached into his suit and pulled out a random clipboard that had almost certainly not been there before. "Young man, 'round thirteen years old, dressed in red and overalls...' that you?"

"I... I guess..." Mario said, slowly getting to his feet. "Um... where can you take me? Any sort of limits?"

"Anywhere on this planet," Lucky said. "Sorry, but we don't do planet-hopping. 'Side from that, you just about got it!"

Somewhat distracted, Mario glanced around the bus, looking for the form of the creature that had startled him to begin with. However, he couldn't see anything, and the headlights of the bus were filling up the whole area with light.

"You lookin' for something?" Lucky asked, taking a look for himself.

"Oh... nothing," Mario said quickly. "Um... how much would a trip to Twisted Lane cost?"

"Twisted Lane?" Lucky asked, stroking his moustache. "Well, that counts as a trip to good old Telma's Bar, and that would be... that'll run you four red coins!"

Mario reached into his suitcase and pulled out his money bag. Peering inside, he pulled out four round disks and handed them over to Lucky.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Lucky said, raising his hands with a chuckle. "You can't just toss money around and just _demand _to come on to our bus!"

"But you just said-"

"I know, I know! But the fact is, you need a reservation first! Just flagging us down ain't good enough!" Still chuckling, he beckoned to Mario. "Come on the bus, we'll give you the lowdown."

Still confused, Mario hopped aboard the bus. Looking around, his jaw dropped. This bus was _much _bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. There was a gigantic room on the inside with seats and beds all around it, along with windows all along the walls. At periodic points along this room, there were stairs... meaning this place had _upper levels_.

His jaw dropped, Mario turned back to Lucky, who produced a card from his pocket. "Here," he said as Mario uncertainly took it. "Call up the number, make a reservation, then we'll see what we can do for you."

Mario stared at the number. "I don't have a phone..."

"Oh, that's an easy fix," Lucky said, reaching into his pocket. "You can borrow mine!"

Mario stared at the phone for a second (green) then slid a finger across the screen to unlock it and dialed the number.

The sound of a phone ringing filled the room, and Lucky turned to a random rotary phone sitting nearby. Picking it up, he said, "Tonzura Brothers Bussin' Business! How may I help you?"

Mario stared at him, speaking into the phone nonetheless. He could hear his voice coming out of the rotary phone. "Um... I'd like to make a reservation."

"Well, we can swing that for you!" Lucky said, adjusting his suit slightly. "What name should I put this under?"

Mario quickly cast his mind around. Well, if he _was _currently being hunted by the Government, as he suspected he might be, he didn't want to make it _too _easy. "Um... Luigi... Luigi."

"Right on, Mr. Luigi!" Lucky said, smiling as he took the name down on his clipboard. "We'll see you soon!"

Here, he hung up the rotary phone. Mario hung up on Lucky's cell phone, and with a quick 'Thanks,' returned it to its owner.

Lucky tipped his hat as he took his phone back. Looking around for a moment, he gave a false jump as his eyes fell back on Mario. "Oh, sir, do you have a reservation?"

Feeling a little off-put, Mario said, "Yes, yes I do!"

"Your name?"

"Luigi Luigi."

"Luigi... Luigi..." Lucky muttered, examining his clipboard. "Ah! I _do _have a reservation under that name! Welcome aboard! I'll just grab your luggage! You find a seat!"

Mario, deciding he didn't want to go too far in, simply took a seat up near the front. Looking to the side, he saw a window, on the other side of which was a man who looked a lot like Lucky, except shorter, squatter, clean-shaven, and with a red color scheme rather than green. "Hey, new guy! What's up, name's Magic Tonzura! Welcome aboard!" Smile disappearing, he added, "Hope Lucky didn't go through the whole 'reservation' thing with you."

"Is there something... up... with him?" Mario asked uncertainly, not wanting to offend him.

Magic sighed. "We just got the whole 'reservation' system. He's getting _really _into it."

"And here's your stuff!" Lucky said happily as he brought up Mario's suitcase, putting it down next to Mario's seat. "Hey, sitting up front, are you? Rockin! Let's take off, Magic!"

"Right on!" Magic said, smile returning, as he turned around to grab the steering wheel. A second later, they'd suddenly jumped up to 150 mph, easy. Mario looked out of a window to see the world tearing by.

"How do you go this fast without running into anything?" he asked.

"Easy!" Lucky said, pulling out a microphone. "Everything is achievable through the power of rock!" Suddenly, he began singing. "Everybody! Needs somebody! Somebody to love!"

"Somebody to love!" Magic added, singing into a microphone that had randomly descended from the ceiling.

"Somebody to love!"

"Somebody to love!"

As they continued singing, Mario's eyes fell on a nearby newspaper. Seeing a headline that caught his eye, he picked it up. The picture was of a tall man in blue armor. He wore a cape that was blue on the back and orange on the inside. He had a mop of red hair hanging in front of his face, and he was wearing a blue headband. In the picture, he was laughing wildly.

"I need you, you, you!"

"I need you, you, you!"

Mario looked up. "Hey, Lucky!"

"Somebody to love!"

"Lucky?"

"Somebody to love!"

"LUCKY!"

"Hey, calm down!" Lucky said, looking down. "What's going on?"

"Who's this man?"

"WHO'S-" Lucky started. He stopped himself, then, more calmly, he said, "What, you're never been hearing about Roy Aluvia?"

"Aluvia?" Mario asked.

"That's right, Roy Aluvia. He's only one of the most famous- well, infamous- smashers of all time!"

"I heard his name last chapter, but I could have sworn his last name was 'Eliwood...'"

"Nope," Lucky said simply.

"No, I'm pretty sure it was."

"Nah, brah, not this story, man," Lucky affirmed. "Aluvia all the way."

Mario stared for a second, then simply said, "Alright, I heard he escaped from prison-"

"Not just any prison!" Lucky said. "Smasher prison! Not just any smasher prison, that guy broke out of Subspace! No one's ever done that before! It's kind of a big deal, you know."

"What did he do?"

"He was a murderer! Bumped off twelve muggles and a couple of smashers while he was at it! A lot of people think he was... You-Know-Who's right hand man! I sure hope you've heard of that guy!"

Mario's thoughts strayed to the monstrosity that was Tabuu. "Yeah, I think I've heard the name somewhere..." he muttered.

"Lost everything when Tabuu fell, did old Roy," Lucky continued. "Way I heard it, took a good twelve Government officials to bring him in. Word on the wind says the famous prosecutor, Manfred von Karma, got involved, even. And he didn't come out for just any two-bit criminal, keep in mind. If _that _guy's on a case, the defendant's guilty, no question about it."

"And... no one knows how he did it?" Mario asked. "I mean, how he got out?"

"Nope," Lucky shook his head. "Makes the Government even more eager to catch him. They want to know if there's a leak in security. If there's a hole, they want to patch it up. Of course, the idea of a mass murderer on the loose doesn't exactly sound good, either."

"I'd imagine..." Mario muttered, looking down at Roy's face. For some reason, he thought this guy looked familiar...

Mario spent the remainder of the trip in silence, staring out of the window, and occasionally tuning in to the Tonzura Brothers' little live show. Every now and again, the bus would abruptly stop, leading to Mario slamming his face into the window due to inertia, and someone would get off. Finally, Lucky announced, "Next stop, Telma's Bar! Repeat, next stop, Telma's Bar!"

Mario's head snapped up. He paid more attention as the bus took off again. Once more, Lucky pulled up his microphone. "Friends, here's a story 'bout Minnie the Moocher..."

Finally, the bus came to another screeching halt. "Your stop!" Lucky said cheerfully. "Please consider Tonzura Brothers Bussin' for all your future Bussin' needs!"

Mario took a look outside the window. He recognized this place from a couple years back. It was a strip mall- a series of small cafes and shops together in one building, though never connecting. Each one was numbered. Number 16 looked different from all the others, being made entirely out of polished wood. Mario was just about to turn around and grab his luggage when he heard a voice. "Ah, Mario! Just who I was hoping to see!"

Mario violently spun around to see a short man with a big nose in a space suit standing just outside. He recognized him as Olimar Tate, the President of Smashing. "Ah..."

"Hey, is that you, Mr. President?" Lucky said, sounding excited. "Didn't realize you'd be flagging us down, tonight! Sorry, but you're gonna haveta get yourself a reservation, I mean, we can't bend the rules, even for you!" As he spoke, he took out his clipboard.

"Relax!" Olimar said, jumping. "I- I won't be needing a ride, today. I'm just here to pick up Mario!"

"Mario?" Lucky asked, looking nonplused. "Mario who?"

"Mario Mario!" Olimar said, pointing at Mario. "The boy in red you just picked up!"

"Mario... Mario..." Lucky said, looking through his clipboard. "Sorry, sir, it doesn't seem we've picked up any Mario here! That boy's Luigi! Luigi Luigi!"

Olimar sighed, and pulled Mario's hair back to reveal the scar. "See? It's Mario!"

Lucky leaned forward, examining the M on Mario's forehead. "Wow, there, Luigi! Looks like you're a big fan of Mario Mario, aintcha? Can't blame you, he _is _the one who took You-Know-Who down, after all!"

"We're done here," Olimar said, sounding a little agitated. "His luggage?"

"Oh, right on!" Lucky said, retreating back onto the bus. A moment later, he appeared once more, carrying Mario's suitcase. "See you 'round, Weegee!" he said happily as he jumped back onto the bus. A moment later, there was another beeping noise, and with a honking of the horn, the bus had taken off.

Olimar, sighing, turned to look at Mario. "Well, Mario, there's a lot we need to talk about, but it's cold out here- how about we head inside?"

Mario wordlessly nodded. Caught at last.

Olimar led Mario inside. On the inside, the bar itself was empty except for the African woman behind the bar, currently cleaning a glass. Looking over the counter, she smiled warmly. "You need a room, Mr. President?" she asked.

"That would be great, Telma," Olimar nodded. "Anything free?"

After a moment of contemplation, Telma said, "Room 203 ought to be free right now."

"Thanks," Olimar said, nodding. "If you could bring up something to drink, that would be great- on my tab."

"Right away, sir," Telma nodded.

Olimar led Mario up the stairs and to the room Telma had indicated. Mario took a seat on the inside, and Olimar pulled up a chair in front of him.

"So... Mario," Olimar said, looking at him. "You'll be glad to know that I got some people down to your Aunt and Uncle's house, and they've taken care of the whole... situation. We've managed to deflate your Aunt Megan, and her memory is being dealt with as we speak. Your Aunt Kate and Uncle John were a little more difficult to deal with, but they eventually agreed to take you back next Summer." Mario would have expressed his displeasure at this, but he was still waiting for the final blow to fall. "So, that all said, what we really need to focus on now-" Mario closed his eyes, waiting for it... "-is what you're going to be doing until school starts back up again. Now, if you want my personal recommendation-"

"Wait," Mario said, holding up his hands. "Wait a second. Wait."

"Yes, Mario?" Olimar asked, raising his eyebrows.

"What about... you know... my punishment?"

"Punishment?" Olimar asked, looking surprised. Next to them, the door opened, and Telma came in with a tray of drinks. She paused, sounding interested. "Why, I don't imagine that any is necessary in this situation..."

"But... I blew up my Aunt!" Mario said, confused.

"Accidental lashing-outs of young smashers' powers are very common when a smasher is young," Olimar said, giving a smile that seemed to be attempting to be understanding. "I mean, what, did you expect to go to Subspace for a little thing like that?"

Mario stared.

Olimar shrugged. "Really, the worst thing you did tonight was to run off into the night like that. Very dangerous, you know, what with Roy Piazzolla on the loose."

"Yeah, I heard about-" Mario looked up, confusion in his eyes again. "Wait, Roy _Piazzolla?_"

"Of course. What did you think his last name was?"

"Well, last chapter, it was Eliwood, and then Lucky said it was Aluvia..."

"No, no, I'm 100% certain it's 'Piazzolla,'" Olimar said. "I should know, I'm following this case very closely. I mean, my term of office is up a year from now, I don't want to go out as the President who let Roy Piazzolla escape."

Mario shrugged. "But what does Roy... um... _Piazzolla _have to do with me?"

Olimar turned white. "Oh, nothing, nothing!" he said, waving his arms. "Really, nothing! Forget I said anything!"

"Okay..." Mario said, staring. "I just thought it was a little weird that you're not punishing me."

"Well, do you _want _to be punished?" Olimar asked, his eyebrows raising again. "Um... Telma, what do you think?"

"I think this room is next to Giygas, so he's got enough punishment already," Telma said, her eyes narrowing in distaste.

Mario's mind fell on the twisted red spirit he'd met two years before. Inwardly, he shuddered, but at least he'd be able to go back to the Smash Bros.

"Well, there you go," Olimar said, turning back to him. "Now, as I was saying, we need to talk about what you're going to do for the rest of your Summer! Like I said, if you want my personal recommendation, you could just stay here. I'd be more than happy to foot the bill, and you'd have free access to Twisted Lane!"

Mario thought it over for a brief second, then simply said, "Yeah, that sounds good to me, Mr. President."

"Okay!" Olimar said, sounding thoroughly relieved. "Well, I must be getting back to the Government! Just send me the bill at a later time, Telma!" he added on the way out.

Telma smiled. "By the way," she said to Mario, "I've got something to show you."

She left the room for a moment, then returned with an albatross in a cage.

"Parakarry?" Mario asked, gaping.

"Smart bird you have here," she said. "Got here just a moment or two before you did. Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to give me a shout."

With this, she turned and headed down the stairs. Parakarry took a leap from her arm and settled on the bedside table. For a moment, Mario sat next to him, stroking him absentmindedly, thinking of all the strange things that had occurred that night. Leaving the Smiths, angry, then becoming afraid, then being picked up by what was apparently a traveling rock-and-roll band, caught by the president, more fear, then being let go...

He shook his head. "I need a freaking Dew," he muttered, standing. He headed over to the door and out into the hall. His ultimate destination? The bar.

_XXXX_

And... success! They said I couldn't do it! I sure showed _them_! (I don't know who 'they' are, granted, but whatever.) I am so glad to not be going on hiatuses here! I'm so happy that I'm going to skip right to signing off! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism or any questions (the Q&amp;A system is still in effect) perfectly welcome, flames will not be used, because it's already pretty hot around here, Gamer4 out!


	4. Twisted Lane Episode 2

Gamer4 in. Alright, if I'm sticking to my new update schedule, this chapter should be up on... Monday. Here's hoping!

Disclaimer: I own the box of Cinnamon Life that I happened to look over and see as I wrote out this disclaimer.

Chapter IV

Twisted Lane Episode II: Electric Boogaloo

It wasn't until a week after Mario's arrival in Twisted Lane that he met up with Zelda and Link. By then, he'd already managed to do just about all his shopping, a few highlights of which will be discussed now.

The first place Mario went, the morning after his strange arrival, was to Hoarder's Book Store. He first headed into a small courtyard behind Telma's Bar, taking care to head out early to avoid crowds, only to realize that he still wasn't entirely sure which brick he was supposed to tap to get into Twisted Lane from there. The previous year, he'd used a warp pipe to get to Twisted Lane- granted, that was via a detour through Lavender Lane, but the point still stands. The year before that, well... the Crazy Hand had told him not to talk about that. His salvation came from an... unexpected source.

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... f...r...i...e...n...d..." came a voice from behind him. Mario turned to see a twisted red spirit.

"Oh, hey, Giygas," he said, recognizing the strange, ethereal being from a couple years ago. "You wouldn't happen to know which brick opens up Twisted Lane, would you?"

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... go... back..."

Mario sighed. From what he'd heard, Giygas was always this unmanageable. Pointing to one of the bricks, he said, "Is it this one?"

"It's not right, not right... Mario..."

"Yeah, I know, it's me, Mario," Mario sighed. "How about this one?"

"I... feel... good..."

Mario, taking this as a good sign, pressed against the brick. The brick withdrew into the wall, and the wall split apart like double doors, swinging wide open for him. "Awesome," he said, smiling. "Thanks, Giygas!"

"Mario, Mario, Mario, Mario... friend... I'm... h...a...p...p...y..."

"Again, great," Mario muttered, before turning to Twisted Lane itself.

It wasn't a distant hike up the road to get to Hoarder's Book Store. As Mario turned into the store, he saw a strange structure of the type that one doesn't commonly associate with bookstores: a large, glass tank of some kind. He stared at it. It was full of books that were shooting dark magic all over the place. The cover looked oddly familiar...

He stepped into the store. The store owner, a short man with insanely long hair, including his eyebrows, moustache, and beard, turned to him. The hair was all white, he was dressed in flowing green robes, and he carried a large wooden staff. "Hello?" Mario said. "Any other customers? Do I need to... I don't know... take a number or something?" He wasn't really used to this- this was his first time shopping there alone.

"No, no, business hasn't started swelling up yet," the old man said, waving his hand dismissively. "Alright, school and year?"

"Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing... third year," Mario said.

"Ah," the owner said, turning around and stepping out from behind the counter. "Then I'd say you'd need at least the _Super Smash Bros. Melee Instruction Book, Part Two, _by Anolis Anomore, right?"

"That's the one," Mario nodded. "Also, would you happen to have a copy of _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban by J. K. Rowling?_"

"Yeah, I think we- wait," the owner said, turning to him in surprise. "Why would you want that?"

"I'm getting tired about finding everything out too late," Mario shrugged. "I mean, I'm not planning on spoiling everything for myself, I just want... you know, a point of reference." The old man stared.

"Alright, we can get that for you... what electives you takin' this year, young'n?"

"Oh, uh... well, I have Smashing Creatures..." Mario said, looking at his letter.

The store owner, who had just lifted the _Super Smash Bros. Melee Instruction Book, Part Two _from the shelf made an odd sort of choking noise as he heard this. Spinning around, he said, "Wait, are you serious?"

"Yeah, pretty serious," Mario said, nonplused.

The old man suddenly began grumbling. "Great, now I gotta get one of those dang books out..." he said as he crossed the room towards the tank. Suddenly understanding something, Mario reached into his bag and looked at the book he'd belted shut back at the Smiths'. "Hold it!" he shouted, causing the words to appear in a gigantic stamp in front of him, hanging in the air for a brief second before vanishing. He ignored this, he'd seen it enough the previous year. The old man, however, turned.

"What is it?"

"Isn't that just this book?"

The old man leaned forward to examine it. "Why, so it is," he agreed, sounding relieved. "Sorry, my boy, I'm a little on edge, stocking these things. This is the required book for Smashing Creatures this year. I hate these things, someone else can stock 'em next year. Breaking out into duels every five minutes, and it's horrible trying to get them out of that tank... so, any other electives?"

Mario looked back at his letter and said, "Oh, yeah, I'm starting off in Psychic Powers this year."

"Psychic powers, psychic powers," the old man muttered, stroking his beard for a brief moment. Finally, he snapped his fingers. "Then you'll be wanting _Seizing Your Destiny, _by Dunban Uzuki, right?"

Mario glanced at his booklist. Sure enough, right under the two other required books, it said _Seizing Your Destiny, by Dunban Uzuki._

The old man chuckled lightly as he beckoned Mario to a separate wing of the store. "First year of Psychic Powers is always about the future. Funny thing, Dunban wasn't even a psychic, he just knew how to interpret the future- and he knew quite a bit about changing it 'round, some, I'll tell you that!"

However, he had lost Mario's attention. Mario's eyes had fallen on another book, right next to the one the shop owner was pulling down. On the spine was printed the picture of a large creature of some sort. He could only recognize the pinpricks serving as the creature's eyes, but there was something about the outline at large that was familiar. "Excuse me," he said. "What's that book?"

The shop owner turned to examine the book Mario was indicating. Smiling softly, he shook his head. "Oh, you won't be needing that one for a few years, sonny. That's the grimmest parts of Psychic Powers, right there, seeing signs of death. Oh, no, you stick with Dunban here for this year, trust me."

Mario mutely paid the store owner for his new books and left the shop.

XXXX

As Mario made his way back down Twisted Lane, with no real goal in mind, he happened upon a group of students clustered around the outside of a store named _Dick's Smash-Up Goods Store_. As he approached, he recognized one of the students, a tall boy dressed in green with blue overalls, as the real Luigi Luigi. "Hey, Lu," he said as he drew near. "What's everyone looking at?"

Luigi turned to beam at the arrival of his old friend. "Oh, Mario!" he said happily. "It's the newest model of kart- the Wild Wing! Supposed to be able to jump from 0- 100-"

"Interesting," Mario nodded, "but the Flame Runner can manage-"

"-in .33 nanoseconds," Luigi finished.

Mario's jaw dropped. "Are you for real?" he asked, staring.

"Yeah, it's amazing," Luigi said, grabbing onto his hat as he stood on tiptoe to peer over. "Even _looks _pretty awesome, and the word is, it customizes itself depending on the driver, but never changes what it looks like, so you always can find it if it gets stolen or something. And it's got the hottest new feature in karts everywhere!"

"What's that?"

"It's tied to the keys- it stays in hammerspace, safe, until you turn the keys in midair to summon it up! Much easier to transport that way."

"Now that you mention it, how have we been transporting karts up until now?"

Luigi thought about it for a moment. "Meh, not important. And I guess the Wild Wing isn't, really, either. I mean, it would be nice to have, but they only give out the price on request- so you can imagine what that means."

Mario could indeed. However, as he had been thinking before, he already had a great kart in his Flame Runner- no sense emptying all the money out of his bank account just to buy something as expensive as the Wild Wing when he had a great kart already.

Saying his good-bye to Luigi, Mario headed over to an ice cream parlor. It was shaping up to be a hot day, so he decided to stop in and get a sundae. And then, because the author asked him to because it would make a decent transition, he decided to head outside and sit on one of those picnic tables to eat it.

XXXX

And how convenient that he did, because that actually makes a great transition to how we started this chapter!

It was about a week after Mario had arrived that he was sitting at the exact same picnic-style bench outside the ice cream parlor, finishing off his last summer essay with his tongue frozen due to the sundae he was finishing off at the same time. It was the last bit of school-related stuff he had to do there, having done all his shopping and finished off the rest of his homework beforehand. He was just rounding out the conclusion when a stranger approached him.

"Hey, man," said the newcomer in an extremely thick accent. "You want a watch?"

Mario dropped his spoon, closing his eyes as this cliche fell upon his ears. Looking up, he saw a young man with short blond hair dressed in some sort of ninja clothing sitting across the table from him. He was leaning forward in the chair, fingers folded. "A... watch," Mario said, deadpanning for all he was worth.

"Watch good value," the young man shrugged. "Perhaps a gift for your... lady friend?"

Mario choked on his ice cream. "I... don't have a lady friend right now..." he stammered, reaching up and running a hand through his hair.

"What, handsome boy like you? No lady friend?"

Mario stuttered some more. Distractedly, he grabbed a book from his bag to hide behind. It happened to be _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. _He opened it to a random page and buried his head in it. Suddenly, he looked up. "Wait a second..."

"What, you have problem?" the young man asked.

"I just looked up where we are in the book right now... and... you're... _not in the source material!_" Mario declared, pointing his finger dramatically.

"Oh, am I not?" the young man asked, standing. He raised his arms over his head and began to spin around incredibly fast. As he did, he was encompassed by a blinding blue light, which, when it died down, revealed a young woman in the man's place, with long blond hair, pointed ears, and dressed in... a dress. "That's hurtful, Mario!" Zelda said with mock-reproach in her voice. "After all this time?"

Mario turned as red as his clothing when he heard a laugh from behind him. "You, my friend, have been punked!" said a new voice. Mario turned to see a different blond young man approaching from behind him. Unlike the previous one, he recognized this one- with those green clothes, blue eyes, and floppy hat, this could be none other than Link Faron himself.

Mario sighed, putting his head down on the table. "I hate you both," he muttered with his face still on the tabletop.

"No you don't!" Link said in a singsong voice as he approached. "What, did you forget that Zelda could do that?"

"Well, after knowing her for a year and a half without that ability, it kind of threw me off, yeah," Mario muttered.

This probably bears some explaining. Long story short (again, the full story is only a couple clicks away...) (Shameless self-promotion), the previous year, Zelda had made a transforming power-up for the group that had gone horribly awry and given her the ability to shapeshift into a young man that she'd dubbed 'Sheik' at will.

"It was Link's idea," Zelda said, cheeks a little red even as she laughed with Link. "We saw you sitting there, and he whispered to me, 'Hey, let's see if he remembers Sheik, shall we?' I think Kirby and Meta are rubbing off on him."

Link wiped a tear from his eye. "Hey, I could never have put on that performance you just put on. Bravo, really, bravo!"

Raising his head, Mario said, "Speaking of Kirby and Meta, where are they?"

"Huh?" Link asked, turning to him.

"Well, I'm assuming you're here with your family. Where are they?"

"Oh, we're staying at Telma's Bar for the last couple weeks of Summer," Link said.

"I'm staying with them," Zelda said, turning to him. "Mom and Dad dropped me off at the Strip Mall."

"So, you guys just headed out on a shopping trip?" Mario asked.

"Well, we had a couple goals in mind," Link shrugged. "Get all restocked for next year, the usual, you know. We just had to stop by and say 'Hi,' when we saw you here. How're you doing?"

"Oh, I'm staying at Telma's Bar, too," Mario said, finishing off the last sentence of his essay as he spoke. "And I just finished my homework."

"Sweet!" Link said. "What say we take a walk?"

"Sounds good to me," Mario shrugged, standing.

Behind them, Zelda quickly rounded off Mario's sundae, then quickly fell in with them.

As they walked, Mario noticed that the color of the hilt sticking out of the sheath behind Link's back had changed. "I see you got a new power controller," he noted.

"You're not going to deny he needed one, are you?" Zelda said, smirking.

"Shut up, you two," Link said, with anger not really evident in his voice. "Yeah, stopped by Game-and-Watch's place first thing we got the money- before heading off to visit Linebeck, even. Couldn't exactly go around with my old sword, you know..."

Mario would have taken the time to recall the situation in which a giant flower had destroyed Link's sword, but the previous story, _Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets _is a real steal at the grand price of 0 dollars and 0 cents, (shameful, yet shameless self-promotion) so he neglected to remember any sort of context for that statement. He did, however, remember to make a mental note to murder the author the next time he promoted his previous stories. This caused the author to back off.

"So, where are we going?" Mario wondered out loud.

"Well," Zelda shrugged, looking around, "I got some money from my parents for my birthday... would you believe that muggle money is actually pretty good in the smasher world? Anyways, I was thinking of using it to get myself something..."

"Wait, wait, wait, let me guess," Link said, a smirk on his face. "_Bill Nye, the Science Guy, the Complete Series, _right?"

"Actually, I was more of a _Magic School Bus _fan," Zelda shrugged. "And no, what I actually want is an albatross. I mean, I'm kind of the odd one out here, between Parakarry-" here, she nodded at Mario, "-and Bootler..."

"Hey, Bootler's not my albatross, he's the family albatross," Link pointed out.

"Well, even so," Zelda said, "I just think it would be nice."

"Sounds good," Mario said. "Now, where does one buy an albatross?"

"At the Pokemart," Zelda said.

"Right," Mario nodded. "At the Poke-" suddenly, he turned to Zelda. "Why would they have albatrosses at the Pokemart?"

"Didn't you know? Albatrosses are pokemon!"

"No, I did not know this," Mario said, staring. "Any other creatures I should be aware of that are secretly pokemon?"

"...Duck-billed Platypuses... platypi... just a second." Zelda reached into her dress and pulled out a dictionary. After thumbing through it for a second, she said, "Platypuses."

Mario stared. "That explains so much, yet so little..."

"Meh, it fits in with my schedule anyways," Link said. "I needed to stop by a pokemart anyways."

"Link, we've been through this," Zelda said, smirking, "there are other ways to level up besides rare candies!"

"Not for me!" Link objected. "It's for Oreo! He's been looking a little sick ever since we got back from Egypt. Weirdly enough, I think it was after that day I caught him reading the newspaper! Anyways, I was going to stop by the pokemart and see what they had for him..."

"I just noticed Oreo is on your shoulder," Mario said, looking over and seeing the very sick-looking indeed cucoo perched there.

"Yeah, that is weird," Link nodded, looking over. "I think even the narrator's failed to mention it up 'til now."

"Can we appeal for a new author?" Mario asked, rolling his eyes. "You know, one that doesn't have to make big scenes out of little corrections like this?"

"No, I think we're pretty much stuck with Gamer4," Zelda sighed.

While he was busy grumbling about this, Mario suddenly realized something. "Wait, Link, why do you think the pokemart will have something for Oreo? Are cucoos pokemon, too?"

"Oh, no, but I think pokemon potions work on just about every animal," Link explained.

This was about when they arrived in front of the building itself.

XXXX

The inside was brightly lit. Behind a counter was a young man dressed in a blue jacket and jeans. He turned around as they entered. A bright, almost insane smile crossed his face. "Hello!" he said in a much-too-cheery voice. "I'm the Pokemon Professor! Thanks for coming in today! How can I help you?!"

"Um..." Link and Zelda both said, looking at each other uncertainly.

"Minion!" said another voice from behind a door. Everyone turned to look at it. Out from it emerged a young man with black hair, dressed in a white shirt with a red coat. On his head was a red hat with a white arch on the front. "Are you scaring away customers again?"

"I told you, I'm not your minion!" the man in blue said.

"That's only because you're so low-ranked that you're not allowed to know that you're a minion!" the man in red retorted.

"Shut up, Nurse!" the man in blue shouted back. "I'm the Pokemon Professor! I know what's best!"

"Right. You're the Pokemon Professor... and I'm the assistant who actually knows what he's doing."

As the man in blue fumbled around for a moment, the man in red turned to the three sitting, stupefied, behind the counter. "Sorry about him. He's been like that ever since he went through the ceremony."

"Wait, what ceremony?" Zelda asked, staring.

"Meh, not important," the man in red said quickly. "Anyways, just call him Blue. And I'm Red. And... I'm the real Pokemon Professional here."

"But not the Professor?" Link asked, his eyebrow raised.

"No, _I'm _the Pokemon Professor!" Blue shouted.

"Yeah, he's the Professor, and I'm the one who's actually professional," Red whispered.

"No, _I'm _Dirty Dan!" Blue shouted.

Everyone was silent for a brief moment.

"Anyways," Red finally spoke, "How can I help you?"

"You first," Zelda whispered as she pushed Link forward. He threw a brief resentful look backward before stepping up to the desk.

Clearing his throat, Link said, "I have a cucoo, I think he's sick, can you take a look for me?"

"I'll see what I can see," Red said, gently lifting Oreo off Link's shoulder and laying him on the table. "Hm... yes, I see..."

"Whatcha got there?" Blue asked, peering over Red's shoulder. Snorting, he said, "Meh, it's got nothing on a Zubat."

Red sighed. "Enough with the freaking Zubats," he muttered. Looking up at Link, he said, "This cucoo doesn't look good. Looks like you dragged him through a minefield before you brought him here. I'm not certain how long it'll last- a week at best, end of the year at most, maybe four years if you give it a metal wing or something like that."

"I... don't want it to have a metal wing," Link said, looking somewhat awkward at the thought.

"Yeah, most don't," Red shrugged. "I can get you a new pokemon, if you like. How does that sound? I mean, I've only got starters..."

"I've got three starters!" Blue interrupted. "Here! You've got a Zubat, a Zubat, and a Zubat! They're all level 55!"

"Then why haven't they evolved by now?" Red asked, glaring at his partner. "You have that weird... I don't know, I really don't know what it is with you and Zubats! Especially when you can have an Eevee!" Sighing, he turned back to Link. "So, I've got three starter pokemon for you, how does that sound?"

Link, looking uncertain, said, "Wouldn't that basically be a Bulbasaur, a Charmander, or a Squirtle?"

"Actually, no!" Red said, smiling. "I've got 'em all evolved up already! Comin' at you with your choice of a Venusaur, a Charizard, or a Blastoise!"

"Or you could always take a Zubat..." Blue muttered in the background.

Red closed his eyes for brief moment before turning on his partner. "Look, if it came down to a contest between your team of three unevolved freakin' Zubats and my team of every possible evolution of Eevee, Eevee would be the clear winner, alright? So for once, can you _shut up _about the dang _Zubats?!_"

"Shun he who does not believe in Zubats!" Blue shouted, pointing dramatically.

"I think I'd like to stick with my own cucoo," Link interrupted.

Ignoring Blue slinking off into the back room, Red turned to Link and said, "Okay, well, in that case, what you'll want is some potions. Mostly effective on pokemon, but hey, just about the best we can do for that cucoo of yours, so..."

"Alright," Link said, reaching into his money bag. "Here, I've got... four rupees."

"That oughta cover it!" Red said with a smile. "Thank you for doing business at-"

"_ZUBATS FOREVER!_" came a cry from the back room, and Blue appeared, pokeball in hand. He tossed it, shouting, "ZUBAT! I CHOOSE YOU!"

The ball landed on the table and opened up. A beam of light shot out of it, forming into a cat-like pokemon that was most definitely _not _a Zubat, which tackled Link head on. Oreo panicked, and, with a flurry of feathers and buck-_awks_! he shot out of the store, running down the lane. Link finally managed to pry the strange cat creature off his face, at which point he noticed Oreo's absence, and, with a cry, ran out after his pet. Mario, after one more second of laughing at the whole situation, set out after him.

Working together, it took the boys quite a few minutes to track down Oreo and finally restore him to his resting place on Link's shoulder.

"Well... that wasn't a Zubat," Mario said lamely, unable to think of anything else.

"Well... now we have a firm grasp... of the obvious..." Link panted through a stitch in his side.

However, they hadn't managed to return to the pokemart yet when Zelda came out of it, a cat-like creature curled up on her shoulder.

"What," Link said, staring.

"Hey, guys!" Zelda said cheerfully. "I got myself a pet! Meet Simba! He's a Meowth!"

"What, what," Link said, still staring.

"You... actually bought that thing?" Mario asked, staring.

"Why not? It's not like it was his fault," Zelda pointed out. "Blue scared him by tossing him in the pokeball."

"What, what, what."

"Oh, come on, Link," Zelda said, sighing. "Let's just... get back to Telma's Bar." As they moved along, she produced a bag. "Oh, by the way, I got your potions. You left so quickly, you forgot to pick them up."

"What, what, what, what."

XXXX

Outside of Telma's bar, the three found the rest of the Farons waiting to greet them.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kirby said, excitedly jumping forward as he saw the newcomer. "Guess who Link picked up!"

"Ah, the allure of the wild Mario," Meta Knight said in a terrible British accent. "The wild Mario prospers mainly with his own kind."

"Oh, Mario!" said Uli Faron, moving forward to hug him. "We were hoping we'd see you before you headed out to the Smash Mansion!"

"Indeed we were," agreed Rusl Faron, leaning in the background. Mario couldn't help but think his smile was somewhat forced. Though, maybe that was just his paranoia talking.

"Ah, Mario, my good man, how wonderful to see you," said Rob the robot, moving forward to shake Mario's hand. Mario could hardly keep back from laughing at Rob's typical demeanor, only made funnier by Rob's traditional monotone. "I trust the world has been treating you well?"

"Yes, Mario, good sir, how _has _the world been treating you this fine day?!" Kirby asked, nudging Rob aside.

"I find it to be rather humid, myself," Meta stepped in, pushing his brother to the side. "Would you like to discuss the difference between humidity and dry heat?"

"Alright, back off, everyone," Uli said firmly.

"Yeah, I'm here too, you know," Link muttered, though with a flicker of good humor in his eyes.

XXXX

It's somewhat unnecessary to cover the rest of the vacation, so let's skip right to the final dinner that the group had before heading out the next day to the Smash Bros. Mario had quietly joined up with the Farons for the remainder of the time, and they, of course, were only too happy to have him. So, naturally, he was eating with them on the final night. The story picks up again as Rusl clears his throat to make an announcement. "Farons!" he declares. "Tomorrow, as you all know, we'll be heading to SeaTac Airport so you can all catch the Great Fox to the Smash Bros.!"

There was some applause at this, mainly from Kirby and Meta Knight.

"Now, it's quite a distance from here to SeaTac, so I've spoken with Mr. Tate, and he's agreed to lend us some Government-Issue cars."

"G.I. Cars!" Kirby and Meta chorused. "Rise of Toyota!"

"Stop it!" Rob cried in monotone. "You are going to get us sued!"

XXXX

Later on, Mario was laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling blankly. Suddenly, he heard raised voices from beside him. Standing curiously, he headed out into the hall and into the room next to his (not Giygas's, obviously.) In this room, Link and Rob were bunkmates- much to the dismay of each.

"Something up?" Mario asked sleepily.

"It's the bag of potions I bought last week- you know, for Oreo," Link said, looking around. "I think I left it back at the dinner table..."

"And he has also lost my Head Boy badge!" Rob said, sounding as hysterical as one can in a monotone. "How am I supposed to assume my authority without that?!"

"Well, I don't know," Link said, turning to look sarcastically at his brother. "But I'll tell you what I _do _know- I didn't lose your dang badge!"

"You must have! It is the only explanation!"

"Or maybe _you _misplaced it?"

"Me? That is impossible! I am perfect in every way!"

This statement was met with a pillow to Rob's non-existant kisser. "How's _that _for perfect in every way?" Link said, a smirk across his face.

"I'll just go grab the potions, is that alright?" Mario asked, glancing out at the hallway.

"That oughtta cut it, ye-" Link started, only to be cut off as another pillow smacked him in the face.

"You realize of course that this means war, brother!" Rob snarled- or as close as a robot could get to it.

"Alright, we'll see once and for all who is triumphant!" Link shouted, turning to his brother. "The brain- or the silicon!"

Mario ducked out of the room and into the hallway, heading down towards the dining room, when another force ten argument met his ears. He would have just gone ahead, doing his best to ignore it, but the mention of his name caused him to freeze.

"-the fact is, he _is _after Mario!" said a voice that sounded very much like Rusl's.

"Oh, how can anyone really be certain of what a madman like that is really after?" retorted a voice that sounded like Uli. "After all, Roy's been locked up in Subspace for thirteen years now, it's not like he's thinking rationally."

"I know that's what they _say,_ Uli, but it would take someone at least _somewhat _rational to break out of Subspace, as Roy Pherae has done! And it would also take a goal- a reason to break out. And we all know-"

"Wait, Pherae?"

"Yes, what about it?"

"Wasn't his name Piazzolla last chapter?"

"No, it was definitely Pherae."

"...Okay, continue."

"Right... as I was saying, we all know Roy was fanatically devoted to You-Know-Who! Who else would he hate but the one who brought You-Know-Who down? And on top of that, the guards of Subspace reported that he's been shouting about Mario! Always the same words- 'He's at the Smash Bros.! He's at the Smash Bros.!' The signs are much too clear-"

"And you want to just _tell _Mario about it? Imagine what that could do to the poor boy!" Uli interrupted.

Mario had heard enough at this point. Ignoring the continued argument, he began making his way upstairs again.

"Hey, Mario!" came a pair of voices as he climbed. Beckoning him into their room was Kirby and Meta Knight, who were chortling as they showed him a round piece of metal. "Rob's badge," Kirby explained.

"We've improved it," Meta said, struggling to hold his laughter back.

The badge had shifted to read _Mythical RPS Badge. _"What does RPS stand for?" Mario asked.

"Rock, paper, scissors!" Kirby and Meta said, throwing their hands out against each other.

"Dang it, why do you always pick rock?" Kirby said.

"Me? It's _you _who always picks rock!"

"Have you two seen Link's potions anywhere?" Mario interrupted.

"Huh?" Kirby asked, distracted. "Oh, yeah, we borrowed that, too. Nothing better for redesigning badges. Here you go," he added, handing Mario a bag.

Mario nodded, thanking them, then headed out into the hallway, leaving the bag in front of Rob and Link's doors as he passed, not eager to enter on the war that sounded like it was going on in there.

With that, Mario moved quietly into his room. Well, this explained everything. Roy was actually out to get him. It certainly explained Olimar's leniency- he was so relieved that Mario was even alive after having been out in Roy's mercy that he was willing to give some allowances.

Mario sighed. He wasn't sure what disturbed him more- the idea that this meant he wouldn't be able to find any other way to get into Kurain Village, or the fact that he was dwelling more on that idea than the idea that Roy, a psychotic lunatic who worked for the most feared smasher of all time, was after him. Then again, maybe he was just kind of used to this from his previous years. Sensing another opportunity for Gamer4 to self-endorse, he summoned a threatening handful of fire. Once it became clear Gamer4 wasn't going to self-endorse, he sighed and put the fire out. Sometimes he wondered if he was going crazy.

With this in mind, he went to his window and peered out down Twisted Lane. He could see dark magic spawning from the books in Hoarder's Book Store's tank, and he could distantly hear screams of "Zubat!" "Eevee!" "Zubat!" "Eevee!" accompanied by other sounds. He sighed. What _was _normal, anyways?

_XXXX_

Well... wasn't that a long chapter? Seriously, I need to check, but I think this might be the longest chapter I've ever written. I need to take a nap! Anyways, I have a confession to make: while Red and Blue bear the names and appearance of the heroes of Pokemon Red and Blue respectively, their personalities are modeled off a couple of friends of mine that I recently met up with for the last time in a while, possibly for the last time, period. Wow, way to make that sound depressing, me. I want to stress, they are both still alive and healthy, just not in any position where I'm likely to see them for a while- or possibly ever again. Trying to make this sound less depressing, I just wanted to note that fact. Some of their dialogue is quoted verbatim from actual conversations between those two.

Anyways, one question to answer this chapter from Vinepetal: the whole thing with Roy's surname is a bit of an inside joke because, long story short, I had a lot of trouble deciding what Roy's surname should be. Don't worry, I have decided, and it will actually be revealed next chapter- which, assuming I continue to follow this update schedule, should be posted... um... Friday! See you then! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions always welcomed, flames will be used to forge the Legendary H&amp;S Badge, Gamer4 out.


	5. It

Gamer4 in! I'll be honest, I'm a little nervous here, because there's a lot going on over here, and I might not get this up as soon as I'd like it... alright, let's jump right in!

Disclaimer: Last horror story title, I promise. Probably.

Chapter V

It

When Mario awoke the next morning, it was to find the Farons running rapidly around the bar, observing their usual pre-Smash Bros. tradition of realizing just how much they'd left for the last minute. Mario had seen an example of this tradition the previous year, when he'd been staying with them for the summer, so was able to recognize it pretty well. The thing that actually awoke him was a shouting match next door between Link and Rob. Link, it seemed, had accidentally left a bottle of water sitting on top of a seemingly innocent piece of paper that had turned out to be a picture of a female red robot. Specifically, Juana Itoi, Rob's girlfriend. Rob was now raging at him for leaving a ring of water on said photograph, leading to a certain amount of tension between them. More than there usually was, that is.

Mario had to hand it to the Government employees who were driving them to Seatac Airport, they were pretty patient. Even as early as all the Farons arose, it was a quick scramble to get all their luggage together. Mario had packed the night before, and Zelda had hardly unpacked to begin with, so they were largely left to run around helping the others where they could. Finally, they had their things together, including a carrier for Zelda's new Meowth, and had gotten into the cars.

Everyone was tense on the ride there, as they had left a little late, and the time for the Great Fox, the ship that would take them to the Smash Mansion, to leave was ticking closer and closer. The cars the Government had lent them seemed pretty normal, especially compared to the bus the Tonzura Brothers drove, but Mario couldn't help but notice that they were getting through the traffic pretty well for how... bumper to bumper it was.

Finally, they arrived at the airport and rushed over to the gate to the legendary Platform Q, taking the form of a water park advertisement, wherein the water would move if anyone touched it. As they approached it, Rusl abruptly brought everyone to a halt. "Okay," he said, "I know we're running short on time, but it would be kind of awkward if everyone went through all at once, so I'm thinking we should go through two at a time. Everyone agree?" After a general muttering of agreement, Rusl nodded and grabbed Mario's shoulder. "Alright, shall we go, Mario?"

Mario didn't raise any objections as he and Rusl started forward. They ran directly at the wall, and, the next second, looked up to find themselves standing in front of a gigantic, sci-fi style ship. "Ah, that wasn't so difficult, was it?" Rusl smiled, looking up.

Mario gave a mute nod and started forward, but Rusl put out his hand, dropping it on Mario's shoulder. "Ah, Mario, before you go, a thought just occurred to me. Mind if we have a word?"

Mario, feeling he should have expected this after the previous night, nodded and allowed himself once more to be steered off to the side, just as the twins leapt through.

Once Rusl had led him what he seemed to feel was a sufficient distance away, he dropped his cheery manner as he turned to Mario. "Now," he said. "Mario, we need to have a talk."

"I already know, Mr. Faron," Mario said quickly, turning red. "When a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"Not that talk. And didn't you use that joke already?"

"Yeah..."

"Don't reuse jokes. It's undignified."

"I thought it was okay to reuse jokes, as long as we don't run them into the ground?"

"Well," Rusl said, putting his hand up to his chin in thought, "I suppose that that's okay, yes, but everyone has a different interpretation of how far a joke can go before it's run into the ground, and-"

"Rusl!" came Uli's voice. "The Fox!"

"Just a second, Uli!" Rusl said quickly. Turning back to Mario, he shook his head quickly. "That's not the point! There's something I need to tell you. It's about Roy Pherae."

Now Mario realized what he was talking about. "Don't worry, Mr. Faron, I already know," he said quickly.

"You... you know?" Rusl said, looking slightly taken aback.

"Yeah, Roy broke out to get me. I'm guessing it has something to do with how I got this..." Mario briefly ran a finger over his scar. "Sorry. I was coming back down to the bar last night, and I kind of overheard you and Mrs. Faron talking about it."

Rusl sighed. "Well, that's not the way I'd planned on telling you..."

"Hey, it's alright," Mario said. "Now I know, and you haven't technically told me anything."

"Perhaps that _is _better," Rusl mused. "So, now that you know that, I bet you know what I'm going to say next, don't you?"

Mario's turn to sigh. "Yeah. I should be a good boy and stay in the Mansion, right?"

"Not exactly," Rusl said. "I know what you three are like, always off and trying to solve the mystery of the year, but what I really want to do is... well, put you on your guard."

"I was... going to be on my guard anyways..." Mario said, not certain why Rusl felt the need to elaborate on that.

"No, that's not what I mean!" Rusl said, shaking his head in slight agitation. "I mean... what I'm trying to say is... Mario, I don't want you to _look_ for Roy."

Now Mario was really confused. "Mr. Faron... I don't follow. I know I've done some weird stuff before, but why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?"

Rusl now looked really uncomfortable. "Well... the thing is... Roy was your-"

"Rusl!" Uli cried out. They turned to see that the Great Fox was preparing for takeoff. Mario gave a small gasp and ran towards the door (one of those doors that opened out from the front to create stairs up to the ship.) As he ran, he didn't have time to look back and see the look on Rusl's face.

"Sorry... I took too long..." he muttered. "You'll find out, I suppose..."

Mario rushed towards the stairs as quick as he could. Kirby, Meta Knight, and Link were standing just inside. "Quick, toss us your suitcase!" the twins said, holding out their arms. Mario raised his case over his head and tossed it to them as hard as he could, then jumped up just as the ship lifted off the ground. He fell slightly short, but Link reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling him the rest of the way in. Finally, as they stood in the entrance, watching the ground fall away, the stair-door pulled up, closing them in.

Mario turned to see Zelda looking questioningly at the door. "Seems a little strange that they waited that long to close the door, doesn't it?" she wondered out loud. "I mean, you'd think it would be more efficient to close the door, _then _take off, wouldn't you?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad they didn't," Mario grumbled. "Thanks, guys."

"Hey, no problem!" Kirby said.

"We noticed you hadn't gotten on yet, thought we'd stay back and make sure you did," Meta added.

"Anyways, can't hang around here all day!" Kirby put in.

"We're heading up to meet Teddy! He said he's got something to show us!"

Mario watched as the twin puffballs rushed away and up into the heart of the ship.

"What was Dad keeping you back for, anyways?" Link asked, looking at his friend.

"I'll tell you when we find a seat," Mario said.

"Might be more difficult than you think," Zelda put in. "We left finding a seat kind of late, it might be more difficult than you think to find an empty one."

XXXX

As it turned out, she was right. As Zelda is wont to be. Every compartment on the vast ship had at least one person in it. Unable to find a truly empty compartment, they instead chose the next best thing- a compartment where the only other occupant was asleep. They couldn't see a single feature on this particular occupant, as his entire body was covered in a large coat. They could hear the sound of gentle, sleep-sounding breathing coming from beneath it. Slowly, they stepped in and took their seats, careful not to disturb him.

"So, who is this guy?" Link asked, looking at their neighbor.

"Well, I don't know who he is, but I can tell you he's one of our teachers, and I can give you his initials," Zelda said, looking up in the general direction of the ceiling.

"What, you're a mind reader, all of a sudden?" Link asked, looking at her in exasperation.

Zelda's reply met him with equal exasperation. "No, I just saw his suitcase," she said, pointing upwards. Mario and Link both looked up to see a suitcase labeled _Professor F. J. M. _

"Oh," Link said sheepishly.

Moving slowly, so they wouldn't disturb the new teacher, the three put their trunks up with his suitcase, along with Link's cucoo and Zelda's Meowth, both in either a cage or carrier. As they did, Zelda wondered out loud, "I wonder what he's going to be teaching."

"Well, that's obvious," Mario said, following her example in keeping his voice down. "There's only one job that's open every year, on the year, isn't there?"

"Ah, of course," Zelda nodded. "Protection from the Evils."

Link shrugged this off. "Well, that's all well and good," he said, "but what did you want to tell us that had to wait until we had our seats?"

"It wasn't the seats," Mario said, sliding the door shut. "It was the privacy."

"Okay, what's this big secret that no one else can hear?" Zelda asked.

Mario took a breath. "Last night, when I went down to the bar to find your potions, Link, I heard your parents talking about something."

Link looked downwards. "And suddenly, I'm not certain I want to hear this..."

Mario sighed. "No, not like that! They were talking about Roy whatever-the-heck-his-last-name-is-supposed-to-be."

"Oh," Link said.

"Look, can we just decide what his last name is, right here, in this chapter?" Zelda asked, looking slightly agitated. "That joke's getting old, quick."

"Link, what do you think?" Mario asked, looking over at the boy in green.

"Just a second," Link said, taking out his cell phone that he only has for this scene. He connected to the internet, went to , and looked up the chapter they were currently on. Finally, he said, "It looks like the sleeping guy will tell us what Roy's real last name is when he wakes up." With this, he turned his phone off and slid it into his pocket.

"All right, then," Zelda sighed. "Anyways, Mario, what were they saying about Roy?"

"Oh, right," Mario said, having gotten off track along with the other two. "It turns out, Roy broke out of Subspace for one reason- he wants to kill me for what happened with Tabuu."

After both Link and Zelda had winced at the name, Zelda was the first to respond. "Oh, Mario!" she said. "He's after you?"

"Honestly, I kind of half-suspected that," Link muttered. "I mean, it always seems to be you, doesn't it?"

Mario tilted his head slightly before returning it to its regular position. "You have a point."

"Aren't you scared?" Zelda asked, looking at him in surprise.

"Not really," Mario shrugged. "I mean, how bad can he really be, compared to Mewtwo or the Giga Koopa? Really, I'm more curious about something else Mr. Faron said..."

"What's that?" Link asked.

"He told me that he didn't want me to go looking for Roy."

Link and Zelda stared at him for a second. "He had to elaborate... that you shouldn't go looking for someone who wants to murder you," Link asked, deadpan.

"Yeah, I thought it was weird, too," Mario nodded. "I think there was something else, but the Great Fox was taking off, so I kind of had to run. Literally."

"I wonder what that was?" Zelda thought out loud, fingers on her chin.

"Meh, probably not important," Mario shrugged.

XXXX

Asleep as he was, the new teacher was useful in some situations that arose. Well, two. The first was a few hours after they'd taken off, just after Mario had bought some snacks from the lady who sold them. Zelda was quietly snacking on some sugar-free snacks of her own, while Link and Mario were in the middle of trading some cards (chocolate birds come with trading cards based on famous smashers.) It was as they were doing this that random music met their ears. Listening more closely, they realized it was 'Bad,' from West Side Story, accompanied by snapping that didn't seem to be part of the actual soundtrack.

They were just looking up for an answer to this when their door slid open, revealing their longtime rivals, Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario. Each had a pair of sunglasses on, and was snapping in time with the music coming from a boombox over Ganondorf's shoulder.

"Well, well, well, boys," Bowser said, lowering his sunglasses. "Lookee what we have here."

"Where did you get the sunglasses?" Zelda asked, looking up from the book she was in the middle of reading.

"They enhance our image," Bowser said, still snapping in time with the music. "Only the highest-class smashers wear these."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure those are for sale in any random drugstore," Mario pointed out. "And what's with the music? Is that to 'enhance your image,' too?"

"Of course," Bowser said. "What kind of gang doesn't have a big guy carrying a boombox?"

"That's the first time I've heard _that _cliche," Link muttered.

"And considering who's writing this, I'm pretty sure that if that was a cliche, we'd have seen it by now," Mario commented drily.

"And what is it with you, anyways?" Zelda asked. "You're like our stalker- can we go anywhere without you showing up?"

Turning red, Bowser snapped, "Don't be talkin' about things you don't understand, wollywog!"

Mario and Link jumped up in anger- wollywog being a highly offensive word for a smasher born to muggle parents- but Zelda just leaned back enough to reveal the fourth occupant of the compartment.

"What the- who's this punk?" Bowser asked, eyes falling on the sleeper.

Mario, catching on, said, "New Protection from the Evils teacher. His trunk's up there if you don't believe us." As he spoke, his eyes flicked upwards, demonstrating. "Now, what were you saying about Zelda?"

Bowser gave a small growling noise, but he wasn't enough of an idiot to pull his usual shenanigans with a teacher right there, asleep or otherwise. "Come on, homies," he growled, beckoning to his lackeys. They turned around and headed off down the hallway outside, snapping once more.

The other time that the sleeper turned out useful is much more noteworthy. It began a few hours after Bowser and company had stopped by. The sun was beginning to sink, casting an eerie twilight over them, even as high up as they were. Mario and Link were discussing Link's latest game on the 3DS, with the occasional comment from Zelda, when there was a loud cracking noise, a jolt, and everything in the compartment went dark.

"The heck?" Mario asked, looking around, surprised. "What's going on here? The engines can't have stopped, right? I mean, we'd be falling, wouldn't we?"

"Hard telling, the smasher world being what it is," Link shrugged. "Any input, Zelda?"

"I think the Great Fox has an emergency field that prevents it from falling in the event of the engines shutting down," came Zelda's voice- for it was too dark to tell, exactly. "It runs off a different power source, I believe."

There was a noise from the side, and the door slid open. They turned to see a girl and a boy making their way in. With their limited vision, they could recognize the girl as Peach and the boy as Luigi.

"So, you guys know what's going on here?" Luigi asked, taking off his hat. "I... I kind of freaked out... when the lights went out."

"And by that, he means he had a full panic attack," came Peach's voice, in the form of an impressive monotone. "I had to help him to get into this compartment."

Mario, looking closer, saw that Luigi did indeed seem a little twitchy, but he seemed to have gotten over it. "Well, he looks fine now."

"Mario!" came Peach's voice, sounding startled. "Y-you're in here?"

"And us," came Link and Zelda's voice.

"Awesome!" came Luigi's voice, still sounding a little shaky. "Mind if we sit in with you guys?"

"Not there!" said Zelda's voice. "There's a teacher in here with us!"

"A teacher?" Peach asked. "You mean, the new Protection from the Evils teacher?"

"That's what we figure," Mario put in. "No, not here either! I'm sitting here!"

"Yeouch!"

"Sorry, Luigi... shouldn't have put my sword there, I guess."

"Quiet!" came a new voice. It sounded a little husky. Everyone fell silent. After a second, the new voice spoke again. "Does anyone have the power to summon fire?"

Mario looked down... why hadn't he thought of that before. "Me," he said, together with Zelda.

"Good. Want to light up the room a bit?"

There was the sound of two people snapping their fingers at once, together with Zelda muttering, "Din's Fire." The next second, the room was illuminated by two handfuls of fire- as was the new voice.

It seemed their sleeping teacher had finally awoken. For a wild moment, Mario thought it was Wolf, but closer examination proved this wrong- while it was, no doubt, an anthro wearing a uniform and headset, this particular anthro seemed slightly smaller, and the fur was orange, not gray. The biggest clue, of course, was that this anthro wasn't looking at him with pure hatred in his eyes.

"Hello," he said. "Didn't realize I had visitors. I suppose I should introduce myself here. I'm Fox Mccloud, your new Protection from the Evils teacher. Now that we have that out of the way, I'd like to ask you all to remain calm. There's nothing to worry about. If you'd be good enough to make some room for me, I'll get up and head to the front of the ship and talk with the driver- he and I know each other. Just keep calm and stay here until I get back, okay?"

The others all nodded mutely.

"Good," Fox nodded, standing up. However, no sooner had he done this than the door slid open. Everyone spun around to see the new arrival. As soon as they did, Mario's blood went cold.

There was a creature standing in the threshold unlike anything he'd seen before. It stood tall, taller than anyone he'd ever seen before, but that wasn't the most terrifying thing about it- it didn't seem to have any noticeable features. It was as if the thing was made out of strips of darkness- or rather, it was as if it was a creature of darkness itself, wrapped up in strips that were also made of darkness. It seemed like the vague outline of a human being, but its limbs- the legs and arms- seemed more like tentacles, tapering off as they went further along, and not culminating in either hands or feet. There was no face. It floated before them, as if it was looking around. As the door opened, Mario felt a strange cold washing over him, drilling into him. He could barely see or hear anything else. He thought he heard Fox saying something, but his voice was drowned out by the sound of someone far away screaming. He leaned back, feeling darkness overtake him...

XXXX

And then, as suddenly as it had begun, he found himself waking up. He was leaning against the back of the seat he was sitting in. Looking around, he saw everyone who'd been there before with him. Link and Zelda looked fine, but shaken. Peach was curled up in her seat, a look of abject horror on her face, and Luigi looked as though he'd just finished being sick- in fact, Mario thought he could smell some of it, though he couldn't see it anywhere. Looking around, he also noted that the ship was moving again, and the compartment was brightly lit once more.

"What... what happened?"

Link and Zelda looked at him, surprised. "Oh, you're awake!"

"Please don't tell me I've been out for days."

"Oh- no, just a couple minutes, actually," Zelda said.

"You kind of passed out, there," Link explained. "Just after that... thing came in."

"What happened?"

"Well, just as you were passing out, Fox stood up and said, 'Leave, Floow, you don't belong on this flight.' The thing just kept floating there, tilted its head, but it didn't leave. So he- I mean, Fox- pulled out a blaster- his power controller, I'm guessing- and he raised it up- it was awesome, it was like he summoned a small tank! He pointed it at the... thing... and it was like, 'Screw this, I'm out of here,' and flew out." Having said all this, Link collapsed against his seat, gasping for air.

"Floow," came another voice. Everyone jumped and turned to see Fox sitting in his seat, breaking apart a bar of Hershey's chocolate. "That 'thing' was a floow. They're Subspace's guards. That one was here looking for Roy Alluvia."

"Aha!" said Link, jumping up.

"Yes?" Fox asked, turning to look at him.

"My phone was right! You _are _giving us Roy's real last name!"

"Your... phone?" Fox asked, blinking in confusion. "What about Roy's last name?"

"No one's been consistent with his name since this story started," Mario explained. "It's been all over the place- Eliwood, Piazzolla, you name it. Link looked it up on his phone, and it said you would be giving us his real last name this chapter."

"I see," Fox nodded. "Yep, that explains everything perfectly. Well, don't worry, his last name is definitely Alluvia." As he finished speaking, he held out a rectangle of the bar. "Here, take this."

Mario mutely accepted it, and watched as Fox handed out some chocolate to all the others. None of them ate them right away.

"Obviously, of course," Fox said, continuing like there hadn't been an interruption, "Roy isn't anywhere on this particular flight. Now, I really do need to go up and talk with the driver. Eat the chocolate," he repeated as he headed over to the door. "It'll help."

Mario leaned back as the door shut behind Fox. "So... did any of you... you know... pass out?"

"No," Zelda said. "Peach and Luigi were close to it, though- Fox took the time to vanish Luigi's sick."

"And... did anyone hear any screaming?"

"Screaming?" Link asked, looking confused. "No, no one screamed. What I want to know... did any of you feel it?"

Everyone turned to look at him, awaiting elaboration. "That feeling," Link explained. "It was like this cold in my chest... and a feeling like I was never really happy... and never would be... like everything good had gone from the world... in other words, the same feeling you get when you read the Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes."

"It's been a while since we made _that _reference," Mario commented. "But yeah... I felt that."

"Same here," said Zelda, Peach, and Luigi.

Mario examined his chocolate rectangle for a second, then, shrugging, helped himself to it. Everyone else also took theirs. To Mario's surprise, he instantly felt much better, warmth overtaking a cold he hadn't realized had been affecting him until it went away. Looking at the others, he saw that it seemed to have a similar effect on them. Luigi smiled, Peach was able to sit up again, and Link and Zelda both looked pleasantly surprised.

Mario, however, had something else on his mind- why had he passed out? He silently moved over to the window, tuning out the others' conversation about what had happened, staring out at the clouds as they passed by. However, as his eyes rose up, he saw something else that dispelled this worry just as effectively as the chocolate had dispelled the cold- up ahead in the distance was the vague outline of what seemed like a small house from this distance, but which he knew, up close, was among the largest buildings he'd ever seen- a mansion so grand it dwarfed most castles.

The Smash Mansion was just up ahead.

XXXX

As they touched down, Mario, Link, and Zelda all hopped off the ship. They had arrived in the station in Kurain village. There was much less secrecy required here, as Kurain was, of course, a village made up entirely of smashers. As the three walked out, Mario heard a cry of "Noobies be comin' over here! All da first years follow me!"

Smiling, he looked over and saw a gigantic left hand dressed in a glove, floating over the crowd's head and carrying a gigantic lantern. However, seeing him made Mario realize something. "So... Zelda... what do we do?"

"What?" Zelda asked. "What do you mean? We head over to the carriages, same as last year."

"Link and I weren't here last year," Mario pointed out.

"What? Why weren't you- oh, yeah..." Zelda smacked her forehead as she recalled. "I forgot..."

"Lucky you," Link muttered.

"We head over to a group of carriages, and they take us up to the mansion through the front doors."

As she spoke, she began to lead them towards said carriages. The three of them jumped in one that seemed empty, and they began making their way up to the mansion. Mario, seeing that nothing was pulling them, assumed that invisible horses or something were involved. After all the time he'd spent in the world of the smashers, it wouldn't surprise him.

As Mario looked up ahead, he saw that more floows were standing in front of the gates of the mansion grounds. "Ah... what are they doing here?" he asked, trying not to let his voice falter.

Link and Zelda turned to see them, and turned green. "Ah..." Link muttered. "Those things."

Mario quietly recoiled into his seat, refusing to look out of the windows as they passed by. He didn't know if it was a placebo effect or what, but he didn't feel nearly as bad as he had on the flight, though he still felt a chill.

Eventually, Zelda said, "Alright, we're here," and the three of them disembarked, heading up to the mansion itself. Mario smiled as he looked up at the gigantic building. No place like home...

As they entered, they were only able to make it a few steps in before they heard a shout. "Mario! Hyrule!" They spun around to see another teacher, Samus Aran, making her way across the hall. She taught Transformation during her normal classes, but she was also the head of Nintendo, and thus taught everyone in her group in their homeroom, where they learned about their individual special powers. Mario couldn't think, for the life of him, what he could possibly have done this time, but experience had taught him that when Samus was stalking across the hall towards him, it was rarely because she was happy with him.

"Yes, Ms. Aran?" he said quickly.

"Oh, don't look so nervous, you're not in trouble," she said. With a small smile that looked surprisingly mischievous, she added, "For once." Returning to her normal demeanor, she said, "No, I just need to have a word with you two. If you'd follow me- not you, Faron," she added, turning on Link. "They'll be right back."

Mario gave Link a little wave as Samus led Zelda and him away, up the main staircase, and up a few more stairs to her office. As they entered, Mario saw another woman in the corner- Nurse Tessie. Understanding, he sighed.

"Now, Mario, Fox contacted us from the Great Fox, and according to him, you passed out on the way here," Samus explained.

"What did he do this time?" Nurse Tessie asked, jumping up and heading over. "He's setting a new record already."

"It wasn't his fault this time," Samus said. "The floows decided to inspect the ship."

Nurse Tessie made a disapproving noise in the back of her throat. "Ah, that explains it. Floows. I don't care for those things. I don't think there's anyone who does."

"I'm fine," Mario muttered.

"You're fine when I say you're fine," Nurse Tessie said, inspecting his eyes and ears. "Okay, you're fine. Though I would still recommend some chocolate."

"Oh, I've already had some," Mario said quickly. "Fox gave us all some Hershey's after the floow left."

Nurse Tessie straightened up, smiling. "Well, he knows what he's doing. Maybe the Master Hand isn't completely insane after all."

"Well, that's good," Samus said, standing. "Mario, if you'd wait in the hall, there's something I need to talk to Zelda about in private. After that, we'll head back down to the feast."

Mario nodded and mutely headed out. Nurse Tessie headed down the stairs, making her own way to the feast.

After a few moments, Samus and Zelda reappeared, and the three of them began heading downstairs. Mario couldn't help but notice that Zelda seemed happy about something, and seemed to fiddling with something around her neck a little more than usual. Shrugging it off, figuring it was nothing important, he simply followed Samus down, back into the entrance hall, and, eventually, into the dining hall.

Inside, Samus headed up to the staff table, while Mario and Zelda headed around to the Nintendo table. "Oh, no!" Zelda said, looking up the hall. "We missed the Sorting!"

Looking up, Mario also saw the stool and strange backpack/water pump hybrid that was the Sorting F.L.U.D.D. being taken away. Every year, new students sat on that stool and strapped the FLUDD to their back, and it would announce the group they were most suited to.

Finally, the three found their way to Link, who had already gotten started on the feast.

"Anything good tonight?" Mario asked as he and Zelda sat down next to him.

"It's all good," Link said, taking a small break from tearing into it to comment. Mario, sighing, began helping himself to some of his favorites as well.

A little later, the desserts appeared in place of the main course, and a while after that, the desserts disappeared as well. As the desserts vanished, Mario allowed his eyes to wander up the hall, eventually focusing on the staff table. His eyes passed over all the teachers, eventually arriving at the immense floating right hand in the center of it all. This hand was almost exactly like the Crazy Hand, except it was right, and much more sane-looking. However, Mario knew that this hand was just as kind as the left one, and, looking up, he felt really calm for the first time since the floow had appeared.

Everyone turned to look at the Master Hand as he floated up from his seat and headed over to a podium that he used to address the hall. "Welcome!" he announced dramatically. "Welcome, one and all, to another year at the Smash Mansion!"

"Is it just me, or does he seem... different?" Mario asked, leaning over to Link.

"Nope, I don't see anything."

"No, he really seems different... I don't know, maybe he has more energy?"

"I really don't see what you're talking about."

"I don't know, I feel like he's suddenly been opened up to a lot of unreasonable hate..."*

"Mario, will you quit babbling, I'm trying to listen to him!"

Up at the head of the hall, the Master Hand continued speaking. "I have a couple start-of-year notices to give out! First off, I have two new members of staff to announce! Firstly, we have Fox Mccloud, who has generously agreed to take on the post of our new Protection from the Evils teacher!"

There was some mild, largely unenthusiastic applause as Fox stood, looking around the hall. Mario's eyes fell on Wolf. He was actually... shocked. He knew that Wolf didn't really like anyone to begin with, and he would obviously have particular animosity towards anyone who took the Protection from the Evils position that he personally desired, but... there was something different in Wolf's eyes when he looked at Fox. It went beyond jealousy... it seemed more... personal.

The Master Hand didn't notice this, however. As Fox sat down, he continued. "As for the other post, as many of you will know, our old Smashing Creatures teacher, Professor Oak, retired last year, in order to spend more time with Blue, his child." This turned a few heads who knew Blue off the top of their head. "To replace him, we now have none other than our own Wildlife Manager, Crazy M. Hand!"

There was a wild cheering here, particularly from the Nintendoes, but scattered across all the groups, as Crazy rose up. Mario, Link, and Zelda looked at each other, joy in their eyes. They all knew how much Crazy loved the Smash Bros., and just how much this would mean to the old hand.

As the applause died down, the Master Hand said, "Well, I am afraid that my remaining news is much less enjoyable. You see, this year, our school will be the host of an emissary of floows from Subspace Prison. They have been placed here at the discretion of the Government of Smashing, in order to protect us all from the evil that is the escaped Roy Alluvia. However, I am afraid that floows are not the kind of guards that distinguish at all between their prey, and those that get in their way. If you give them the slightest reason to harm you, they will do so, and I implore all of you not to give them that reason." Mario couldn't help but notice a slight tone of bitterness in his voice, and suspected that the Master Hand didn't like the floows much more than Samus did. His voice brightening, the Master Hand continued. "But, you know... I believe that happiness can be found, even in the darkest times... just as long as you remember to turn on the light."

XXXX

It was later on that Mario, Zelda, and Link found themselves heading upstairs, along with a platoon of Nintendoes, with Rob at the head of them. As the prefect- well, head boy now- it was his duty to lead the first years up to the Nintendo hub and give the other students the new password. After a journey consisting of several hidden doors and moving staircases, they finally approached a tall painting of a tall woman in a pink dress, a wand in one hand, a small crown, and long blond hair that covered one eye.

"Password?" she asked, looking out of the painting at them. Her name was Rosalina, and her job was to guard the Nintendo hub, opening only for students with the password.

"Gusty Gardens!" Rob said, loudly and clearly.

"I'm not deaf, you know," Rosalina said, her eye half-closed, as she swung open for the group of Nintendoes.

They all filed in. "Hey, want to play some chess, Mario?" Link asked, heading over to a chair by the fire.

"No... sorry, I'm really tired," Mario said quickly, heading up the staircase. As he went up, he vaguely heard Link challenge Zelda, but he didn't have the time to hear her response before he had found himself in his old dorm.

He sighed, relief flooding him. He looked around at the five familiar beds- one each for him, Link, Luigi, and their roommates, Ness Adler and Diddy Kong. His emotions had been on something of a thrill ride tonight since the floow appeared, but as he looked around the familiar room, he felt he could finally rest in peace- no, not like that.

_XXXX_

* I feel like Sir Michael Gambon gets a lot of undeserved hate. I mean, yeah, no one was ever going to top Richard Harris, but to hear some people talk, you'd think Gambon plotted Harris's death. I think he did a pretty good job! (Ocelot gesture.) Or maybe that's just the part of me that doesn't like to hear people hate talking.

Okay, I'm putting this up a day later than I was planning (or two days, since I guess most people will be reading this on Sunday, due to how late it is right now,) but hey! At least it was just a one-day (or two-day) delay this time, instead of... you know... five months. Ah. Anyways, yes, let it be known that Roy's official surname is now Alluvia! Interesting story, I was originally going to have it as Alluvia, but then it occurred to me that he might have a canon surname, so when I looked it up, I saw that his father's name was Eliwood. I mistook this for the family name and put it in the chapter that introduced the character. However, a review kindly alerted me that Eliwood was his father's _first _name, not surname (yet another fine example of constructive criticism helping out!) leading me to have an egg on my face, so to speak. So, I changed it back to Alluvia, but also decided to make fun of my own fickleness along the way. Hopefully that didn't annoy anyone too much. Anyways, this is dragging out a little long, so... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism fully welcome, flames are not (it's just too hot around here) Gamer4 out.


	6. The One-Faced Psychic

Gamer4 in. Okay, I'll admit it, I owe you guys an apology. I was originally intending to update last week, but I was getting _really _close to the end of my other story, so I wound up kind of neglecting this one in favor of finishing that one. And then, my computer wouldn't work. Then my cat got sick, and needed to go to the vet. But, I'm back now, and, since the other story is finished, now I can focus more on this one! Let's dive in, shall we?

Disclaimer: I own the right to make references to my previous stories in the chapter titles.

Chapter VI

The One-Faced Psychic

The surest sign, Mario would later decide, that things were returning to normal (or as normal as things could be at the Smash Mansion) was the welcome he got passing by the Sierra table in the Dining Hall the following day. A large, anthro turtle turned and began excitedly pointing in his direction, and then began imitating a fit of fainting. A large group of the Sierras around him broke down laughing.

"Gee, wonder what's on their mind?" Mario wondered out loud, scratching the back of his head.

"Oh, forget them, they're just jealous," Zelda muttered, as they turned their back on them and headed towards the Nintendo table. "I mean, how many of us actually get to leave this story in favor of making cameos in others?"*

"I guess so," Mario shrugged. "It wasn't all that enthralling, to tell you the truth. Just this random orange woman walked up to me, handed me a movie, and told me to watch it. I do, then she starts asking me questions about it."

"How _was_ the movie?" Link asked, looking over.

"Eh, pretty good," Mario shrugged again. "Not terrible, nothing to write home about, either."

As they spoke, they approached Kirby and Meta Knight, who were already at the Nintendo tables. "Hey, guys!" Kirby said cheerfully. "We've got some schedule for you!"

"'Some schedule'?" Link asked.

"Yep!" Meta said, pulling out a few pieces of paper from who-knows-where. "Samus stopped by to give us our schedules, thought she'd give us yours while she was at it! Welcome, my friends, to your third year!"

"Thanks," Mario, Link, and Zelda said in unison as they accepted their schedules.

"Something up, there, Mario?" Kirby asked, noticing that he seemed a little off-put by something.

"Bowser," Mario muttered dismissively, throwing a hand over his shoulder at the turtle as he spoke. Bowser was doing yet another fainting impression.

"Little squit," Meta said, narrowing his eyes. "Little punk wasn't nearly as confident when the floow was coming down our floor, was he?"

"Nope," Kirby agreed, shaking his head- which basically amounted to shaking his whole body. "Just about had a repeat of the shoehorn incident, didn't we?"

Mario choked as he remembered what the twins were talking about. "_That _bad?" he asked, snorting.

"That bad," the Faron twins agreed, nodding in unison.

"Of course, I wasn't particularly over the moon about it, either," Meta put in. "Floows- you never want to mess with those things. Remember that time Dad drew Subspace inspection duty, Kirb?"

"Oh, yeah," Kirby nodded. "Came back all shivering and weak- took a few doses of Mom's pumpkin soup to fix him up."

"But none of you have ever passed out, have you?" Mario pointed out.

"Oh, cool your jets, Mario," Meta said, leaning back as he buttered some toast. "I doubt you're the first. Those things are demons out of the darkest pits of the Underwhere. Now this toast," he added, "comes directly from the Overthere. Why don't you have some?"

"Yeah," Kirby put in, agreeing. "I mean, we need our seeker to be ready for the Smash-Up tournament this year! Forget Bowser, just focus on how badly you'll whip him on the Smash-Up field."

Strangely enough, Mario did find this though comforting. He grabbed a couple slices of toast and began preparing them for consumption.

"So, watcha guys got for your first day?" Kirby asked, appealing to Link and Zelda as Mario ate.

"Well, we're starting up on our new subjects already," Zelda commented. "Psychic Powers... Smashing Creatures... Robot Engineering..."

Mario and Link both did a spit take as the image of Zelda in a Robot Engineering class crossed their mind. "Robot Engineering?" Link said, turning to her and grabbing her schedule. "What kind of schedule do you have, here?"

"Well, I signed up for everything, remember?" Zelda pointed out. "Give me back my schedule!"

"What the-" Link gasped as he looked at the schedule itself. "Oh, come on- Mario, look at this!" he pushed it under Mario's nose, and Mario did another spit take as he examined the schedule.

"Great," he muttered, "Now I need to get some more milk..."

Putting this aside for the moment, both he and Link turned on Zelda. "What the heck is this?" Link asked, pointing at the schedule. "You _do _realize that, according to this, you have to take three classes at once... three times today? The heck are you thinking?"

"Relax," Zelda mutters, grabbing the schedule back from him. "I've got it all worked out, Samus and I had a talk before the feast!"

"Zelda, I figured you'd have a packed schedule this year, but this..." Mario started, but he was interrupted by a sudden voice behind them.

"Schedule? Y'all be talkin' 'bout schedules? Mez gotsa schedie dis year, guys!"

They turned to see a familiar looking twitchy left hand in a glove floating there.

"Hey, Crazy!" Mario said, eagerly jumping to his feet. "It's been a while. Congratulations on getting the spot!"

"Me knows!" Crazy said, sounding overjoyed. "Ta Matter Hand lose two teachers from da last year, yous know. Oak be retirin', n' dat udder guy... what his name be? Twitchy... Tinkle... sometin' like dat. Anyways, Brudda be tinkin', what we do? Well, Foxies come in at a good time, but Oak still no get replacement, so Brudda decide, he know who ta call! He come on down to my house, he da next contestant on Teh Price ish Right! He offers me da job, I say, I be right on it!"

"So, you're all ready, then?" Zelda asked, looking up.

"Oh, me be ready? Me _more _dan ready! Me be sharp, me on it! Iz been up since dawn, gettin' da critters ready to showz ya!"

"We're looking forward to it," Mario smiled. "We've got you... just after lunch, it looks like."

"Rockin!" Crazy said, doing a little loop-the-loop. "Me be so happy! Seez you den!" With that, he rushed out of the door.

"I think he's happy," Link noted.

"I wonder what he's got planned..." Zelda said, sounding nervous.

"Oh, come on, he wouldn't intentionally give us a creature that could really hurt us, would he?" Mario said.

For a while, they all remained silent. They all knew how dumb what Mario had just said was. No, of course not, Crazy wouldn't intentionally bring in a creature that could seriously hurt them- _intentionally _being the key word. Crazy didn't exactly have a normal view of what was or wasn't dangerous- heck, the fact that he'd assigned a book that spat dark magic whenever it was opened was proof enough of that.

"Well... it's looking like it's time to head off to our first class..." Zelda noted.

Mario and Link simply nodded, largely because they didn't know what else to do at this point, and the three stood and began making their way out of the Dining Hall.

On the outside, Mario wondered out loud, "So, anyone actually know where..." he quickly checked his schedule- "Psychic Powers class is?"

"I think it's in the attic," Zelda said. "Come on..."

The three began climbing the stairs. And they climbed. And they climbed. And they climbed.

XXXX

And so it came to be that... they were still climbing. And climbing. And climbing. And climbing. And then they went through a hallway or two. And then down some stairs, because that was the only way forward. And then they climbed. And then they climbed. A couple more hallways... and then more climbing.

XXXX

And climbing... and climbing... and I'm going to keep doing this until you can't hear the word 'climbing' without wanting to tear out your own hair... and climbing... and climbing...

XXXX

And so it came to be that Link finally brought everyone to a stop. "Okay," he said, panting, "that's three transitions, now. I think it's safe to say we're lost."

"We're not lost!" Zelda said, sounding slightly offended.

"Oh, okay, then where are we?" Link challenged.

"We're... on a landing... somewhere in the Mansion..."

Mario ignored them, slumping against the wall. His kingdom for some sort of map that could actually show them around this place. Slowly, his eyes rose up, and fell on a strange sight that made him do a double take. And then a triple take. And then, just because, a quadruple take.

He'd been absently gazing at a picture on the wall. As you may have already guessed, the pictures in the Smash Mansion- and really, in the smasher world in general- weren't normal. The occupants could move around, and even leave their paintings to visit others, if they so desired. In the picture he'd been gazing at, a figure had come into view, leaning against what looked like a palm tree. This figure looked startlingly familiar... blond hair, green tunic, floppy green hat... but he was so... cartoony...

"Link, look at this."

"-and furthermore, as you can clearly see," Link continued his argument with Zelda, ignoring Mario as he tapped on a file he'd pulled out of nowhere, "Lake Delfino is visible out of that window, meaning we've actually been going in the _opposite _direction of the entrance to the attic! TAKE THAT!"

As the words formed in a stamp that nearly blew Zelda away, Mario stood, saying, "Link, over here."

"What is it?" Link asked, turning around. Suddenly, he reeled back as though he'd been punched in the stomach. "What... the heck... is this?"

Suddenly, the figure in the portrait snapped to attention. Previously, it had been asleep with its hat pulled down over its face, but as Link caught on to it, it suddenly sprung up, reaching up to its shoulder for a sword- though with the hat still attached to its face. "Who goes there?!" the figure asked, jumping around. "Ah, I see, making everything dark on me, huh? Well, sorry to ruin the party, but I've got a lantern! Hah!" Abandoning the sword, the figure reached into what seemed to be hammerspace and pulled out a lantern, whereupon he began swinging it around like a madman. After a moment, he gasped. "Oh, no! The lantern is useless! ABANDON SHIP!" Here, the figure leapt forward in a spectacular dive, whereupon he slammed into the frame of the painting and fell backwards. The hat came off his face and came to rest on his chest.

"So... who's you twos's new friend?" Zelda asked, approaching. Looking at the figure in the painting, she gasped.

"Who the heck painted a cartoon picture of me?" Link asked, staring at the figure. And, sure enough, with the hat off the face, it was undeniable- the figure in the painting was near identical to Link, except he looked like he'd jumped out of a Saturday-morning cartoon.

"Hey, um... Toon," Mario said, referencing the toon-figure. "Um... do you have a name?"

"Blasphemy!" the toon figure shouted, jumping up, taking out his sword, and beginning to swing it around. "The great Toon Link does not dispense his name to rogues like you!"

"But... you kind of just did..." Mario pointed out.

"...You must be punished for your trickery!" Toon Link cried, brandishing his sword even more wildly.

"Who the heck painted you?" Link asked.

Toon Link jumped as his eyes fell on his real-life counterpart. "Oh no! It's the original! Must be cautious... I... I was painted by a young woman... she was saying something about... the 'incident of shoehorn...'"

Link closed his eyes in exasperation. "Ah. Now I see. Did Mario get a picture painted, too?"

"As a matter of fact, he did!" Toon Link said cheerily. "But Dr. Mario's over by the medical department..."

Zelda moved forward. "So... do you know this place well?"

Toon Link jumped again, his eyes suddenly turning into hearts. "Whoah! You're like Tetra- only prettier!"

Zelda blushed. "Who's Tet- oh, never mind, do you know this place well?"

Toon Link took off his hat and bowed dramatically. "For you, milady, I'd navigate the darkest labyrinths! You need only speak the location to me, and I will take you there, no matter the horrors we must undertake together!"

"Um... yeah..." Zelda said, rubbing the back of her head. "So... what are the chances of going to the attic for Psychic Powers class?"

"Absolute!" Toon Link cheered, jumping up in the air. "A horde of wild moblins couldn't deter me! Follow close behind!"

And with that, their new guide rushed off the edge of his painting, streaking into another painting nearby. Quickly, the three students rushed off after him, which would have led to another segment of nothing but 'and climbing's, but Toon Link was so entertaining on the way up that we don't feel the need.

"Come, brave comrades!" Toon Link cheered as he rushed ahead of them. "To learn the sacred arts of Psychic Powers, you must first brave the depths of various fiery mountains, and plunge into the dankest tombs to restore the sparkle to your weapons! We must discover the pearls of Power, Wisdom, and Courage! Why, I'm so excited, I could sing!"

And before anyone could stop him, he broke out into song, as well as a weird little dance. "We be pirates who love to sail the seven seas! Just a bunch of scallywags who are as free as free can be! We swim through storms and waves all because, you see: grand treasure and adventure's waiting just for me!"

"What... the heck... was that?" Link asked, panting as he and the others struggled to keep up.

"You like it? Tetra taught it to me! One more time! We be pirates-"

As if in objection, there was a sudden screech, and a gigantic bird covered in thick bluish-grey feathers and wearing a helmet swooped down and attempted to pick him up. "Oh, no you don't!" Toon Link cried, ducking to the side and pulling out a grappling hook. He used the grappling hook to grab onto the bird's incredibly long tail and proceeded to climb up the rope. "Get up on the Helmaroc King's back!" he cheered as he succeeded in that very task. "Now, onwards! Mush! Mush!"

From there on, the paintings that the toon rushed through tended to duck and scream as he came tearing through them on top of a large, angry-looking bird. "He's crazy!" several of them cried.

"Of course I am!" Toon Link cried, his eyes most certainly showing it. "What the heck did I ever do to make any of you think I was sane?!"

Finally, they rounded a last corner to see what seemed to be the rest of their class waiting beneath a trapdoor. Toon Link cheered as they arrived. "Success! Triumph! Other things that mean we won! I have to go tell Tetra about this! We be pirates who love to sail the seven seas!" And with that, the deranged toon headed back off down the hall of paintings, still singing and doing his weird dance on top of the bird.

"Hey, Link, what was-" asked Ness, one of the boys in their class, as the entire class watched the cartoon flying away.

"Don't ask," Link grumbled. "Seriously, don't."

Ness raised his hands in surrender.

"Huh," Mario said. "Should have known you'd be taking this class, Ness." Ness's special power, after all, _was _Psi, a form of psychic energy.

"Yep," Ness nodded. "I've even been studying up already. I mean, anyone else messes up in there, they just weren't ready, but if a Psi-user messes up in a Psychic Powers class, it's just sad."

"So, anyone know how we're supposed to get up there?" Zelda asked, looking up at the trapdoor above them.

Abruptly, the door opened and a ladder lowered down for them. "Apparently, you ask how you're supposed to go up," Link shrugged, as the class began their climb.

Mario stared as they reached the top. This was a strange classroom- and coming from a student at the Smash Mansion, that was saying something. It really did look like an attic, just with a scattering of desks. Only one of the 'chairs' was actually a chair- the rest were all beanbags sitting around these desks. The actual chair seemed to belong to the teacher, so Mario, Link, and Zelda took their place around a large, round table and waited.

Finally, everyone seemed to hear a voice at the same time. _Good afternoon, class_, it said. Everyone spun around to face the front, where a strange creature was lurking. It looked somewhat like a dog... except anthropomorphic... purple and darker purple... spikes came out of the back of its hands... and some sort of purple aura surrounded the hands. His eyes lit up as he looked around. _Welcome,_ it seemed to say, _to your first Psychic Powers class. I am Lucario, your teacher. As you may have guessed by now, I am a Pokemon. I can speak to you only through my thoughts, so forgive my brief invasion of your minds. It is my duty to, within these walls, guide you all on a journey that will take you into the very depths of your own imaginations. You may discover things about yourselves in this class that you never knew. You may contact your Id, Ego, and Superegos, all at once. Though, if you do speak with your Id, be aware that Ids are often very violent fellows. I was obliged, at the start of this year, to assign you books to assist with your education here- something I admit that I find strange, as books are very little help when dealing with something as complex as a mind. Though people may try to box it up and categorize it, the mind will always eschew such things. So, while we may use your books, do not place too much faith in them._

Everyone stared at this very long speech- not least because it was given without the speech-giver ever moving his mouth. _Now_... said the voice in their minds, _Today, we are going to begin with the study of how the various beings of the world affect the world around them. By touching the world around you, you leave proof of your encounter there, and to those who know how to read the signs, they may divine more about you from that proof. For example, when you have drunk from a glass, signs of your past, present, and future are left behind, ready for those sufficiently powerful to read you. Thus... when in Rome, let them drink milk!_

Everyone stared. Lucario narrowed his eyes at them. _That isn't a joke. I would like you all to go to that cupboard over there_\- as he spoke, he blinked, and the cupboard he'd been indicating opened- _and fill it with milk from my fridge._ Another blink, and a fridge at the back of the class opened. _Work with a partner. You must each fill your glass with pure, cold, cow's milk, and leave proof of your existence upon the glass by drinking from it until only a little remains- that little bit that sits at the bottom of the glass and taunts you because you know you'll never be able to actually drink it. Once you've done that, give it to your partner and use page 16 of Dunban Uzuki's text to see what your partner's milk says about them. I will be standing by, ready to assist you. Proceed._

Mario, Link, and Zelda looked awkwardly at each other. "Well, after that speech, I kind of want to work with Mario," Link admitted.

"Yeah... I'll work with... hey, Ness, want to work together?" Zelda asked, standing.

Ness nodded, with a quick, "Okay," and the four of them rose, headed over to get their glasses, then to the back of the room to fill them up. Finally, when they returned to their own seats, they began to drink.

"I always did love nice, cold milk," Mario said, leaning back and chugging his. Link still stood, putting a hand on his hip and practically throwing his milk back into his throat. Mario stared. "Why'd you drink it like that?"

"Oh, I always drink it like that," Link shrugged. "Anyways, let's get going."

The two of them handed their cups to each other. Mario decided to make the first move. "Okay, what am I looking at, here? Um... I see some sort of wolf here... nah, that can't be right. I don't know what you'd have to do with wolves... but I'll look you up anyways... apparently, according to this, you're going to be turned into a wolf, go through a bunch of dungeons, be tortured by a random imp with the creepiest smile I've ever seen, and have to hunt down a bunch of little bugs made out of light- and you're going to enjoy every second of it. I... I'll be up front with you, I don't know what I'm looking at here..."

"I don't know, it sounds familiar to me," Link shrugged. "Anyways, let's see what you've got... apparently, you're going to be eaten by Bowser, then you're going to go on this big adventure where you two unite against a star that gives off dark light, and he's going to be the hero, and you're just kind of a supporting character."

"Okay, this milk is just messing with us, now," Mario muttered as Link, no longer able to hold his straight face, broke down laughing. "Let me see... no, that looks like a wolf, too... um... Lucario?"

Lucario happened to be passing by, and he stopped as he heard. _Yes, my boy? _

"I think our milk is spoiled or something. Can you take a look?"

Lucario shrugged and bent down over Mario's cup. Suddenly, he gave a yelp- not in his mind, in real life- and jumped back. Everyone spun around. "What's going on?" asked Saria Kokiri, another girl in Nintendo.

_No!_ Lucario said, making motions as if to keep the cup away from himself. _No, don't ask me to say it! No, no, no, no! No one would want to-_

"Please, Mr. Lucario?" asked Ilia, another Nintendo girl, kneeling down next to their teacher. "What did you see?"

Lucario, trembling, rose to his feet- well, kind of, he floated. _My boy... you have the mark of... the Blue-Eyed Beast!_

Reactions to this declaration were varied. Some people (read: Link, Saria, and Ilia) panicked, looks of horror on their faces, but others (read: Ness, Zelda, and Mario himself) just seemed confused.

"Um..." said Duster Osohe, a Hal who was sharing the same class as them, "Anyone want to tell me what the heck a 'Blue-Eyed Beast' is?"

Suddenly, a loud noise filled the room. Looking at the subtitles, Mario was able to deduce that it was the sound of a high-powered motor. Everyone spun around to see a random African man with a heavy black beard, moustache, and wearing a sailor's uniform being elevated above the ground. "Yaar, the legend of the Blue-Eyed Beast echoes down through even pirate lore!" he announced. "It's one of the most horrifying omens known to the world! It's an omen... of death! But you didn't hear that from me! Yaar, har har har..." And with that, the high-powered motor started up again and took the random sailor back down into the ground. For a moment, everyone stared at the spot where he disappeared.

"...Who was that guy?" Zelda asked. But no one else seemed to take notice.

"Oh, Mario!" said Saria, leaping forward. "I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry!"

"My friend, we hardly knew ye," said Duster, shaking his head and putting a hand on his shoulder. "If it makes you feel better, I won't forget that you saved my life last year."

"Meh," Ness said, picking up Mario's glass, "Doesn't really look like any sort of beast to me. Looks more like a turtle, really- and we all know about the Giga Koopa, so maybe that's all this milk is talking about."

"Seriously, is no one concerned about the random sailor that just popped out of the ground?" Zelda asked, sounding exasperated.

Mario raised his hand. "Anyone just want to change the topic here? I really would."

Finally, they managed to get everyone away from him and back to their seats. For the most part, everyone worked in silence until the bell to go to the next class rang.

As it happened, the next class was Transformation, taught with Samus. Everyone packed up and silently headed down the stairs. Mario couldn't help but notice that some people seemed to be trying to avoid him.

Finally, they arrived in Samus's classroom. People were extremely unfocused, which was unfortunate, because it was a pretty interesting lesson. It was about sliders- smashers who, in addition to their usual powers, had the ability to 'slide' into animal forms- the particular form that they could take being determined by their personality. Hardly anyone seemed to be paying attention as Samus stepped forward, shifting into a strange creature with the head and claws of a bird, but the body of a human. When she shifted back, she looked surprised that no one had noticed. "You know, I knew you were distracted," she commented, "but that's the first time in thirteen years that no one's asked me why I turn into a chozo when it was a cat in the first chapter of the first story!"

Everyone jumped. Samus tilted her head. "So, is there something bothering all of you?"

Slowly, Ilia raised her hand. "Um... Ms. Aran, the thing is... we all just got out of Lucario's class, and-"

"Ah, enough said," Samus said, raising her hand. "Alright, who's dying this year?"

Everyone looked surprised, but they all generally pointed to Mario. "I see," Samus said, her hand raising to her face in her famous nose-bridge-pinching maneuver. "Well, Mario, before you get too worried, I should tell you that Lucario's been working here for twelve years. He took a year off a couple years back, and Mewtwo filled the post while he was gone, but aside from that, he's been here for thirteen years straight. And each year, he always picks a student and decides that their fate is to die a horrible, grisly death. Not one of them has died yet, and some of them have even gone on into successful careers."

Mario slowly started to smile. Yeah... he knew he was being silly. In a way, it wasn't unlike reading a creepypasta in the dark- it's scary at the time, but once you get away from the dark room you were reading it in, and really think it over, you start to realize how silly it was to be scared.

Samus smiled, as if she knew what he was thinking. "That said, I hope you won't think I'm unfair for not letting you off of homework. Though, if you die, I won't be going to you to pick it up. I just can't let you take up my time like that."

Mario found himself able to relax at this, and Zelda seemed satisfied, too. Ness, who hadn't really seen the beast to begin with, shrugged. Link, Ilia, and Saria, however, still seemed none too confident.

XXXX

"So, Mario, have you been seeing a big beast with blue eyes around lately?" Link asked Mario urgently, once they were out and heading to their next class- Smashing Creatures.

"Well, once," Mario shrugged. "That night I left Peach Creek, just before the Tonzura Brothers picked me up, I saw something like that."

Link nearly had a seizure at this news. "Oh... oh, crud..." he said. "Not good... not good at all..."

"Relax, Link," Zelda said, pushing past them. "It's not like there's any such thing as a 'Blue-Eyed Beast' to begin with. You heard Samus, it's just Lucario pulling things out of his-"

"This isn't a laughing matter!" said Link, his eyes darting nervously from side to side. "I had an uncle who saw that sign, and he died just a couple days later!"

"Coincidence," Zelda said, waving her hand to the side.

"Not! Laughing! Matter!" Link repeated, pulling on his hat in frustration. "This is serious! Most smashers get the living daylights scared out of them by this thing!"

"Morons," Zelda says simply. "Not everyone sees what they think is an omen and decides to just lay down and die."

"Well, I appreciate the implications about the death of my _favorite uncle,_" Link mutters, daggers almost flying out of his eyes, "but don't you think that you're just angry because you won't be able to rely on books like you usually do?"

Zelda jumped up, flames bursting from her eyes. "Don't insult the books!" she cried, dramatically brandishing a finger. "That class was a load of bubkiss, especially when I compare it to my Robot Engineering class!"

With this, she rushed ahead. Link frowned at her back. "What's she talking about?" he wondered out loud. "It's physically impossible for her to have been to a Robot Engineering class..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that they all arrived down at Crazy's at relatively separate times. Mario's mood wasn't improved when he saw the shell, dark armor, and yellow clothing that indicated this class was with Sierra. Bowser glanced over at them and eagerly began his fainting routine again. Ganondorf and Wario still chuckled like they'd never seen it before.

They only even began to slow down when Crazy came out of his house. "Oh, yous all be here!" he said happily, floating there. He was dressed in his usual white glove. "Superspecialmegachocolatesaucecoatedawesome! And here be comin' da rest of da class!"

Everyone looked behind them to see the last few people coming down the hill to Crazy's. Crazy himself took a look around, seemingly taking attendance. "Soz, we all bein' here? Good! Everyone be followin' me, a'ight? We gotsa great treat for yous today! Follows!"

Mario felt a slight jolt as he realized where Crazy was leading them- into the Lost woods. Looking around, he saw that Link, Zelda, Bowser, and Luigi, all in the same class, didn't look particularly eager about going in there. "Um... Crazy?" he asked, raising his voice. "Should we really be going in there?"

"Oh, you be relxin!" Crazy said. "We not be goin in all da way! Just little! We not even be leavin' da maze!"

"Maze? What maze?" someone in the crowd asked out loud.

"Oh, mes gotta splain! Da outer edge da Lost Woods be kinda maze! Crud hit fan, you run into maze, keep runnin til you take da wrong tunnel, you ends up back out heresies! Nuttin' bad! Alrights, let's be goin'!"

Bracing himself, Mario followed. The Lost Woods, it seemed, hadn't changed all that much. Crazy led them through a tangle of tunnels formed by twisted tree branches up above. Mario was familiar with this place by now, but he noticed that Crazy seemed to be leading them on an alternate path to the one they usually followed. Eventually, they came out in a larger clearing than normal. Crazy turned to the class.

"Alrights, here we be! Outs wit da books!"

"How?" came Bowser's voice.

"Wat u mean, how?" Crazy asked, turning to the turtle. "Youz gotta know how a book open, right?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant was, how do we open them without dark magic coming out to tear our faces off?" Bowser said, clarifying in the most condescending tone he knew how.

"Well, yous gotta stroke da spine, of course! All bad books be not bad when you run finger down da spine! Howyou not know this... I be goin' to get da smashing creatures!"

With that, the insane Hand shot off into the woods. Everyone watched as Bowser took out his book and ran an experimental claw down the spine. He opened it up- and no dark magic came out. "Oh, well, excuse me for not knowing how to do that..." the turtle grumbled as everyone else followed suit. "Man, this place is really turning into a dog house. That moron at the head of a class? I tell you, homies, this place oughta be condemned."

"Oh, can it, Bowser," Mario said, moving forward. "Do you have anything good to say about anything? Ever? I mean, what are you, the headscratchers page for Harry Potter on tvtropes?"

"Hey!" Bowser said, holding out a finger. "That... was really below the belt. I mean, even I don't need to be compared to... that place."

"He's got a point, you know," Zelda agreed, moving forward. "I mean, I hate to agree with Bowser, but come on, he's not _nearly _that bad."

Mario shrugged. They were probably right.

Before anyone could say anything else, Crazy came floating back into the clearing, holding a rope of some kind. "Wingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwingwing-" he was chanting. Finally, he came out into the clearing, calling out, "Dadadada!"

Everyone turned to look at the creature that he'd brought in. It was a large bird with crimson feathers on top, white on the bottom, stripes of blue and yellow along its wings, and piercing golden eyes. "Classies!" Crazy said, motioning at the bird, "Lets me introduce youz to- Epona- da- Loftwing! She b-e-a-utiful, in't she?"

Mario tilted his head. Crazy had a point. This large bird was certainly the nicest thing that he'd ever seen Crazy affiliated with- gigantic two-bodied mechs and giant scorpion/spiders came to mind. A few of the class members behind them had their jaws on the ground. Ness was smiling. "Well, I doubted him, but now I think I gotta take it back!" Luigi nodded wordlessly next to him. As for Epona herself, she tilted her head as she gazed around at them all, observing them through her golden eyes, but not doing much besides blinking.

"Now, me gotsta tell you how you come up to a Loftwing!" Crazy said, still sounding cheerful. "Firsties, you gotsta know someting! Loftwings be proud! Me mean, really proud. Youz not insult Loftwings- dey get even if you do. Me say dat again- nice and slowly- me even go sane to say it- do... not... insult... Loftwings. Let's all say it togetha!"

Everyone in the class joined in except- Mario noticed- Bowser and his gang, who were back to reproducing the floow incident. "Never... insult... a... Loftwing."

"Goods!" Crazy said, nodding. "Nows, Iz gotta few release forms here, saying dat you no insult Loftwings! If youz sign dat now..."

Everyone quickly took out a pen to put their names down on these release forms, including Bowser and the crew, who just threw their names down without actually reading said forms.

"Goods! Now, who wantsta go first?"

Maybe it was the effect of the release forms, but no one seemed particularly keen on actually going forward and making contact with the Loftwing- at least, everyone except Mario stepped back a couple paces.

Crazy turned to look at his class, and saw Mario standing a bit ahead of everyone else. Sounding like he was tearing up, he said, "Ah, Marios, me knew Iz could count on you. Come on up!"

Mario looked behind him in shock, and then, grumbling a bit, made to move forward. Epona turned her eyes on him, tilting her head to the side as if to examine him closer.

"Nows, me explain whats you gotta do. First, you gotta just come closer... not too close! First ting you gotsta keep in mind- besides NOT INSULTING DA LOFTWING, just say dat again- first ting you gotsta keep in mind, is, don't break eye contact. Keep lookin' in da eyes. Don' t blink, not even blink! Loftwings fast, faster dan you can believe! You no turn back, no look away, and no blink. Good luck."

Mario's eyes started watering. "Not... blinking?" he muttered. "Have you ever tried... not blinking?"

"Not really- I be just a hand. Alrights, once you close enough, you bow, n' see if she take it. If she take it, you gets closer- if not... well... gets away."

Mario nervously bowed, doing what he could to bend his spine while still keeping his eyes on Epona. Then he rose back up. Epona tilted her head again, examining him closely. But she didn't bow.

"Ah... yeah, da ting 'bout dat is..." Crazy said, sounding nervous.

But he needn't have been. The next thing Epona did was to bend her head forward and spread out her wings in what was, unmistakably, a return bow.

"Ah... good job, Marios!" Crazy said, sounding happy. "Nows, you getsta ride her!"

"Wait, what?" Mario asked, turning. He didn't get very far before Crazy had picked him up and placed him directly on the bird's back.

"Hold on tight, but don't be taken off no feathas for nuttin'! She like her feathas!"

Mario quickly looked around for a mount before grabbing onto Epona's neck as the great bird took flight.

Now, what happened next depends on if you're reading the book or watching the movie. For the book-readers, Mario found this a massively uncomfortable ride, but that's not as fun, so let's go with the movie version.

Mario slowly left his fear behind as the bird swooped up and down and around. It slowly occurred to him that he'd done this before- this was no more dangerous than riding his kart in the more dangerous Smash-Up stadiums! Glancing up at the picture to the story, he suddenly noticed they were taking off over Lake Delfino. Looking down, he could see the water... and looking up, he could see the coins depicted in the story's picture. Cheering, he stood up on Epona's back and held out his arms. The coins slammed into him, but rather than knocking him off Epona's back, they randomly disappeared and reappeared- as he could tell from the shift in weight- in his pockets. He didn't know who'd left coins floating out over the lake, but he wasn't going to question it.

Finally, Epona made her return, swooping down into the clearing in the Lost Woods. Mario jumped off as they landed. The entire class was cheering, and Crazy was pumping himself in the air. "Youz be doin' it, buddy! Youz be doin' it! Great job, Marios! Great jobs, Epona!" As Mario drew closer, his voice grew both quieter and more anxious. "Hows me be doin' for day 1?"

"Great... Mr. Hand," Mario said, smiling.

Crazy made a strange motion that Mario had come to recognize as the Hands' version of shrugging.

This wonderful moment was swiftly ruined, as all great moments seemed to be, by Bowser. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me!" he growled, stepping forward and heading for Epona. "This must be easy if the plumber can do it! You're not dangerous at all, are you, you pathetic excuse for a mule?"

"Bowser, nos!" Crazy cried, but it was too late: Epona, fury in her eyes, brought herself into the air, leaving herself free to swipe at Bowser with her talons. Bowser held up a scaly arm to defend himself, but it still left a scratch there. He reeled backwards, landing on the ground, moaning.

Crazy rushed forwards, getting between Bowser and Epona. "Nos- nos- Epona!" he said firmly, pushing the large bird back. Eventually, he was able to calm her down, and, that done, turn on Bowser. "Whats me be sayin' bout insultin' Loftwings?"

"Oh, I'm dying!" Bowser was moaning, grabbing onto his wound. "That bird's killed me!"

"It's... it just be a scratch..." Crazy said, looking near panicked nonetheless.

"Crazy!" Zelda interjected. "He should be taken to Nurse Tessie."

"R-rights. Iz be da teacher, I do it. Everyone heads out of da Woods- early end of da lesson... gotsta get him to da Nurse..."

Mario, Link, and Zelda stared blankly after the rest of the class as they headed off into the maze.

XXXX

The next time the three of them saw Bowser again was that night in the Dining Hall as everyone was eating. Bowser was over at the Sierra table, his arm covered in bandages and a sling. "Does it hurt, Bowser?" asked Maria, one of the Sierra girls.

"Not as much as it did," Bowser said gruffly. "According to Nurse Tessie, it's lucky I got back when I did. I was just a minute or two from losing my arm."

"That prick..." Link muttered as he, Mario, and Zelda passed by. "Do you really think it was that serious?"

"Heck no," Mario said. "A little scratch like that, with Nurse Tessie? No way."

"Not that that'll matter to Ghirahim," Zelda pointed out. "You know what he's like. Trust me, we haven't heard the end of this."

Suddenly, a new voice rang out through the hall at the Nintendo table- it was Diddy Kong, the monkey member of Nintendo. "He's been seen! They've seen him!"

"Who's been seen?" Mario asked, rushing towards him.

"It's Roy Alluvia!" Diddy said, pulling out his copy of the _Fourside Tribune_, the local newspaper. "He's been sighted!"

"Where?" asked Ness, coming over and bending over the paper.

"Viridian City..." Zelda read out. "That's... that's not far from where we are!"

Link looked unnerved, but he tried to deny it. "Ah, come on, we're safe! I mean, we've even got those floows patrolling around the mansion..."

"Floows," scoffed Diddy. "What do the floows mean to Roy? He's already gotten past them once, hasn't he?"

Suddenly, the hall was filled with the sound of grinding gears, and everyone turned to see the African sailor from earlier rising up on that same platform. "Yaar, you all be right!" he said in his stereotypical sailor accent. "Trying to catch Roy Alluvia be like trying to catch smoke- and have any of you tried catching smoke with your bare hands? Yar har har har!"

Mario turned to stare at the person. "Seriously, who are you? Do you just sit in the background, waiting for someone to make an ominous statement of some sort?"

"That be my little secret!" the sailor said, and he began laughing again as the platform sunk down and disappeared altogether.

"No, really, who _is _that guy?" Zelda wondered out loud.

_XXXX_

*That story that I was finishing while I was away? One of the chapters featured this particular version of Mario in a cameo. Nothing else to say about that.

I think this is an easy victory for the longest chapter I've ever written. Seriously, it comes to 18 pages on my writing program, when these chapters usually come to about 10. Hopefully the extra content makes up for the 1-week hiatus- though I at least had an excuse this time. Alright, see you guys next time, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions entirely welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	7. The Fox, the Tane-Tane, and the Wardrobe

Gamer4 in. Coming at you not exactly live with the next chapter of _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace! _

Disclaimer: I already have a legitimate one I'll have to type next update, let's not bother with one here.

Chapter VII

The Fox, the Tane-Tane, and the Wardrobe

The upshot of this was that Mario got a couple Bowser-free days before the turtle made his comeback. This comeback came, conveniently or otherwise, during a power-ups class- first of the year. So Mario was having a rough time anyways, trying to figure out the ingredients of a lightning bolt (no, seriously, have you ever tried _making _a freaking _lightning bolt? _Let alone one whose intended purpose is to _protect _you from lightning? The world of smashers truly is wondrous...) with Link and Zelda working alongside him when Bowser came into the dungeon, limping dramatically. Mario couldn't really see the point of limping- wasn't it supposed to be an arm injury?- but Bowser apparently felt it was necessary. He made his way over to a desk roughly between Ganondorf and Wario's and Mario, Link, and Zelda's. This didn't make sense at the time, but all became clear eventually.

"Oh, Bowser, you're back!" came Maria's shriek- she was sitting with Ganondorf and Wario in lieu of Bowser himself. "Does it still hurt?"

"Not anymore... I can take it..." Bowser 'choked out,' putting on the stereotypical show of 'working through the pain.' He was even still wearing the sling and cast. Mario sighed- there was no conceivable way that scratch still existed after three days with Nurse Tessie.

"Quiet," Wolf muttered calmly. Mario felt a stirring of anger in his stomach- if anyone besides Bowser had dared to walk into his class late, it would have meant a few weeks of detention. However, he was so used to it by now that it didn't really escalate beyond a stirring.

Bowser reached into his bag, careful to keep it one-clawed, and pulled out his ingredients. Having done this, he looked up to the front of the room and called out, "Mr. O'Donnell, I need a bit of help with my ingredients... I hate to ask, but... my arm..."

Not even looking up from the books he was poring over, Wolf muttered, "Faron, Mario, help Bowser with his ingredients. Any sabotage," he added as an afterthought, "will result in you handing your own ingredients over to him."

Mario and Link both furiously accepted the ingredients a grinning Bowser slid over to them. "There's nothing wrong with your arm, Bowser," Mario growled. "Even if I thought so before, that crud-eating grin of yours is enough to prove it."

"What, scared of cursin', homy?" Bowser taunted. "Scared to boost the story's rating?"

"We're supposed to keep it K+ unless we do another story, you know that," Mario snarled back. "If you're so eager to get it to T, why not do it yourself?"

"I could," Bowser said, leaning back with a finer and thumb to his chin, "but I don't think I will. I don't boost stories' ratings, I have people who do that for me."

"I'd imagine," Link retorted. "Seems like you've got people who breath for you, too."

Hearing this, Bowser grimaced and shooed off the random servant who'd been pumping air into his lungs for the past few seconds. "I don't know what you're talking about, dog," he growled. "Just shut up and chop my ingredients up, will you?"

Link grudgingly did so, and Mario followed suit. Bowser leaned over and muttered, "So, just... you know, out of curiosity, how's that moron of a hand been doing?"

"Bowser," Mario muttered, "unless you want to go through the shoehorn incident all over again, shut up and just let us deal with these stupid ingredients."

It was no use- Bowser was on such a role that even bringing up the shoehorn incident didn't stop him. "Yeah, my old man's pretty hacked about the whole situation. Appealing to the school board as he speak."

"Funny, I thought he was kicked off the school board after they realized he was blackmailing them all," Link muttered spitefully. Bowser grimaced again, but still didn't stop.

"_Any_ways," he roughly continued, "he's looking into dishing out sweet, sweet justice to both that hand and his dang turkey."

"Bowser," Mario interrupted, "if this Universe had any form of justice, your father would have sent you to school at Ouran High School, negating you possibly being in this story on the grounds that you aren't from a video game." As he continued mumbling, a sudden thought occurred to him. "Wait a second... is _that _why you're doing all this? Trying to get Crazy fired?"

"Well, that's certainly the main benefit," Bowser commented, "but getting you two so angry you start coming up with stupid lines like that helps."

"Settle down," Wolf repeated, standing and preparing to start up his usual rounds. Bowser ended off their conversation with a grin and returned to his power-up. When they'd finished, Mario and Link reluctantly handed over the completed ingredients before turning to focus on their own. For a blessed few moments, everything was silent, until Wolf happened upon Luigi and his power-up, which was undoubtably...

"A Mistake," Wolf commented. That isn't just a generic way of saying it, either- Luigi had quite literally somehow managed to convert his power-up into an actual power-up called a Mistake- it healed only the smallest of injuries- and we're just talking paper cuts, here- and restored the very smallest amount of stamina. So, if you just used up a bit of stamina walking to get a snack from the fridge before getting a paper cut from reading a book, a Mistake will fix you right up. Anything more strenuous than that... sorry, buddy, you're on your own.

Wolf sighed. "What must I do, Luigi, to get anything through that thick skull of yours? What must I do to get my information to penetrate? _Why did you put in a shroom shake? _Didn't I explicitly say that _no _healing power-ups are involved? Just how much hardened amber did you add? Didn't I say that you only needed one unit's worth?"

Luigi looked down, muttering to his kneecaps.

Wolf faceclawed. "I don't _care,_ Luigi. But, you know what I think? I think you need a proper incentive. Did you bring that accursed Saturn to class today?"

Luigi looked up uncertainly, then earnestly shook his head from side to side. Unfortunately, said Saturn chose that moment to appear over his shoulder, saying, "WhAt Go On WiTh ThAt ScArY gUy, BoInG bOiNg?"

Wolf grimaced, then reached out and snatched Mr. Saturn the Saturn off of Luigi's shoulder. "At the end of this class, we will test your power-up on this wretched creature. I hope, for your sake, you don't mess it up, because afterwards, I'm going to throw a lightning bolt at it, and if your power-up didn't immunize it, its heart will most likely stop."

Luigi turned white. Zelda called out, "But, you can't do that, experimenting on students' pets is forbidden!"

"Nothing is forbidden to the teachers," Wolf snarled.

"Students' handbook, page 346, paragraph 2: A student's pet will never be put at risk in the name of the learning experience," Zelda recited.

"Zelda Hyrule, shut your mouth! This does not concern you, this concerns me and Luigi!"

Zelda recoiled. Wolf turned to the class at large and announced, "Continue work as normal. When this class is complete, we will run our little test."

Mario growled to himself. As soon as Wolf's back was turned, Zelda jumped over to Luigi's desk and began helping him to fix up his power-up. Bowser turned, and seemed ready to spill the beans, but Mario made a timely intervention by muttering, "So, Bowser, tell us- how the heck do you and Wolf get away with stuff like this?"

"Stuff like what?" Bowser asked, turning around. "Dishing out sweet, sweet justice?"

"Don't make me give you the justice spiel again..." Mario muttered. "No, I was talking about putting everyone under your heel. I mean, even some of the fans take your side- completely ignore your bad sides and angelize you-"

"Hey, what can I say?" Bowser shrugged. "In the world of fanfiction, the characters with the leather pants are kings- and homies, you should see me in a crown."* Apparently growing bored of the conversation, he turned and began to call to Wolf again.

Mario, rapidly thinking on his feet, spat out the next thing that popped into his mind: "So, did you hear about how Roy is apparently in Viridian City? People are starting to think he's making his way up here..."

Bowser spun around again, interest lighting up in his eyes. "Well, well, well... I was wondering if you'd be taking an interest in old Roy, homy."

"What... what do you mean?" Mario asked, lightly thrown off.

Bowser laughed. "I mean, you can't stop yourself from meddling in everything anyways, and when it's something as personal as Roy Alluvia... well, I'm just surprised you haven't gone off to fight him personally already."

"Why would I?" Mario asked blankly. After all, he knew Roy had broken out to get to him, but why would _he _have a beef with Roy?

"Oh, right, I forgot," Bowser said, leaning back. "You don't like to do anything unless you're sure the Master Hand's there to cover your butt. But if it were me- well, then things would be different. I'd be out there right now, hunting that guy down. I wouldn't rest until I had his head on a silver platter..."

"Oh, don't pretend like you'd hunt him yourself," Link snarled- he was in a bad mood already, and wasn't really in the mood for putting up with more from Bowser. "You'd just sic one of your servants on him, no matter what he'd done to you..."

"But would I?" Bowser retorted mysteriously.

Mario dropped the tools he was currently holding. "Bowser, either explain what the heck you're talking about, or take those leather pants of yours and shove them up your-"

"Time's up!" Wolf interrupted. "Everybody put their tools down! We are going to test Luigi's power-up!"

Mario threw a nervous glance across the room- under Zelda's instruction, the power-up had at least come to resemble a lightning bolt- the question was, would it work? Zelda quietly moved back to her own seat, and everyone stared up, waiting on tenterhooks for this final verdict.

"WhAt GoInG oN nOw, Lu?" the Saturn asked as he was produced and placed on the table at the front of the room. "SoMeThInG sPeCiAl?"

"It's going to be alright, Mr. Saturn!" Luigi called, tears rolling down his face. "It's going to be alright!"

"Oh, GoOdIe, ZoOm ZoOm!" the Saturn said as Wolf handed it the power-up. "Oh, YoU gIvE tHiNgS aT mE, dInG dInG? I eAt RiGhT aWaY!" And with that, he jumped forward and ate the power-up whole. His whole body started crackling with electricity. "Oh, Mr. SaTuRn FeEl TiNgLy, BoInG!"

Wolf snarled, and brought around some sort of machine that Mario was fairly certain hadn't been there before. He flicked a switch, and a lightning bolt fired from the machine, striking Mr. Saturn dead on. Mr. Saturn jumped, then let out a strange noise that sounded like laughter. "HeH, hEh, ThAt TiCkLe! Do AgAiN!"

Wolf looked even angrier than usual as he snatched up Mr. Saturn and brought him around to drop on Luigi's desk. "Mario, twenty points from Nintendo for making Hyrule so arrogant as to assume she can go against my direct orders not to help Luigi!"

"Actually, you never issued any such orders..." Mario pointed out.

"Another twenty points from Nintendo for talking back!" Wolf raged. "Everyone dismissed!"

Mario and Link glared daggers at Wolf as they packed up and headed out of the room, Luigi at their side, looking torn between joy at getting his Saturn back and sorrow that he'd cost them those points.

"I can't believe that scuzzball," Link muttered, stomping ahead of them. "Luigi gets it right, and Wolf takes points away because he didn't get to kill his pet..."

"I don't really think of him as my pet..." Luigi muttered, Mr. Saturn sitting on top of his head.

"I know," Link muttered, "but still. You know, Zelda, why didn't you try to lie? Say you didn't help him?"

No answer. Mario and Link both stopped and turned, looking around for their friend. "...Zelda?" Link asked. "Wasn't she just right behind us?"

"I thought she was," Mario shrugged.

"What are you two waiting for?" Zelda asked, and they spun around to see her at the top of the staircase, arms crossed and tapping her foot. "I'm waiting!"

"Wh- wa- wh- huh?" Link asked, his arms waving around as he looked between the door to the Power-Ups class and where Zelda was currently standing. "How did- when- you didn't pass us! Mario, did she pass us?"

"If she did, I didn't notice it," Mario said, looking just as bewildered.

"I... uh..." Mario could have sworn he heard Zelda say, "Well, crud," before she said, "I passed you when you were talking to Lu! Yeah, that's it... so hurry up! We have Protection from the Evils next!" Here, she turned and ran off.

Mario and Link turned to stare at each other. "Is it just me, or is Zelda a bit strange... er?" Link asked, adding the last part when Mario threw him a raised eyebrow.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the first Protection from the Evils class headed by Fox McCloud commenced. He wasn't there when everyone entered the room. Thankfully, Mario thought, this particular Protection from the Evils teacher wasn't an author who'd written seven or eight books about himself (all bubkiss, on top of that) and then assigned them all as required reading for his students. They had this particular class with Hal, meaning that Lucas and Duster were sitting nearby. Everyone took their seats, chatting with each other, not stopping until the door to Fox's office opened and the anthro himself came out, coming down the stairs. Mario noticed that Fox didn't seem to be in the best of condition. Thinking back, he realized he'd looked even worse off back on the Great Fox- the uniform was still torn and tattered, and he still looked like he'd aged rapidly in a very short timespan, but now, he at least looked like he'd been eating semi-healthily.

"Good afternoon, class," the anthro said. Everyone gave a vague response. "Welcome to Protection from the Evils. You can keep your books and papers in your bags- I believe in learning on the job. If you would, take your power controllers and follow me- you can leave your things in here, I'll lock the room."

Everyone threw glances at each other- this lesson was already promising to be at least fairly interesting. Slowly, everyone stood. Mario reached up and touched his hat, while Link fingered his sword for a second before dropping his hand to his side. They then glanced at Zelda, who was rubbing the gloves on her arms.

"Wait, your gloves are your power controller?" Mario asked.

"Yep," Zelda nodded. "Hard to believe it's taken until the third story for Gamer4 to finally mention that, huh?"

Mario grumbled something, and the three of them followed the rest of the class out of the room. Fox led them down a few hallways before they found themselves being cut off by a strange being.

A brief word of explanation- while regular ghosts existed in the world of the smashers, there was a certain other, more infamous breed of ghost- the Boos. Most likely, you've heard of the Boos without even realizing it. Let's put it this way- you ever heard a ghost story? Any story of possession, haunting, cursed houses or video tapes... yeah, basically, if you've ever seen a horror movie, or heard a ghost story around the campfire, you've witnessed Boos at work, or at least heard about them. Boos are a highly wicked race of ghosts, characterized, in their base form, by a white sphere with small arms, a tail, with red eyes and a red mouth complete with fangs. However, they delight in scaring the living daylights out of humans- muggles and smashers alike. Most had individual names, but thankfully, there was only one at the Smash Mansion, so the students and staff alike simply called him 'The Boo.' Also thankfully, he was slightly more benevolent than most Boos are- he never killed, and usually stuck to more petty mischief than anything that was genuinely threatening- but that didn't mean the residents of the Mansion had to like him.

The Boo bounced around the hallway for a bit before his eyes landed on Fox. Instantly, his evil little eyes lit up. "Ohoho!" he said, grinning. "What have we here? If it isn't the crazy old Fox! Didn't think even the Smash Bros. would touch _you _with a 39 ½ foot pole!"

Everyone stared. The Boo was, of course, rude and jerkish by nature (though, as the old Smash Bros. saying went: Better to be locked in a room with the Boo than to read through the Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes,) but he usually at least showed respect to the teachers. The class turned to look at Fox: was he going to take that?

To their surprise, Fox remained calm. Heck, he was even smiling. "Hello, Boo. I didn't expect the Smash Bros. to be able to get rid of you, whether they wanted to or not. You really are persistent, aren't you?"

"Truly so," the Boo said, sweeping into a bowing motion. "But, Mr. Teacher, sir, I had a question, and I think you're the one who can answer!" Suddenly, a boombox appeared next to the Boo and started pumping out a song. Everyone gasped as they realized what the Boo was planning. Mario put his hand over his face. _He wouldn't, would he?_

"Dog goes woof, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet, and mouse goes squeak..."

_He would. _

Everyone stared as the Boo approached the chorus: "But there's one sound, nobody knows-"

"And what would that be?" Fox asked.

"What does the Fox say?" the Boo cried, and burst into the dance.

"Well, I'll tell you what the Fox says," Fox said, nodding. He reached into his pocket, and when he withdrew it, there was a handful of coins in it. "Storm..." he started, tossing the coins into the air, "Waltz!" Within a second, he had his gun out and was firing up into the cloud of coins. As the beam from his blaster hit the coins, it reflected off of them, seeming to multiply with each coin it hit, until there seemed to be thousands of beams reflecting all around the Boo- though not one of them hit him. Finally, the coins hit the ground, where they mysteriously vanished.**

Fox smiled up at the Boo. "I didn't have to miss, you know. Mind if I try again?"

The Boo smiled in very nervous way. "No... no... not necessary, Mr. McCloud, sir... see you around..." And with that, he took off through the nearest wall.

Everyone stared in awe and newfound respect at their new teacher. Fox, on the other hand, shrugged it off like it was nothing. "Come along," he said, waving his hand for them to follow. They continued on until they entered a room that was empty except for a wardrobe at the end... and Wolf.

"Ah, Wolf, long time, no see," Fox said, his smile becoming somewhat more forced.

"Fox," the other anthro nodded curtly. Slowly, the Wolf stood and began making his way out of the room.

"Sure you don't want to stay and watch?" Fox asked.

"Watch a practical Protection from the Evils class with Luigi in it? No, we're lucky if that imbecile doesn't burn the whole mansion down. I pass."

"Well, I certainly hope he doesn't," Fox said, raising his eyebrows. "I was hoping he'd help me with the demonstration today."

Wolf sneered, but said nothing more as he turned and left the room.

Fox turned to the rest of the class and beckoned a couple stragglers in. When everyone was present and accounted for, he turned and crossed the room to the wardrobe. As he did, it began rattling, causing more than one person to jump. "Relax, everyone, don't panic, it's just a Tane-Tane."

This only caused a sizable portion of the class to become _more _nervous, and even a few of the people who hadn't been nervous before now were. "I suppose I can assume a few of you know what Tane-Tanes are," Fox nodded. Turning to Zelda, whose hand instantly flew up at these words, he said, "Alright, Ms. Hyrule, what do you have?"

"A Tane-Tane is a shape-shifter that specializes in scanning the minds of its victims and taking a form that represents their basic phobias- in other words, what they fear," Zelda rattled off. "No one knows what they look like when they're alone, because the mind-scanning and shape-shifting takes place so quickly that it appears instantaneous."

"Well done," Fox nods. "Ten points to Nintendo. Tane-Tanes do indeed feed off fear in their victims, hence their habit. Naturally, they tend towards places that are dark and foreboding. If a Boo isn't the perpetrator of a horror story, it's generally a Tane-Tane. Also hence why splitting up is an even worse idea than you ever thought before- want to tell me why... Mario?"

Mario jumped as his name was called. "Me?" he asked, blinking. Fox nodded. Mario racked through his brains. "Well... if you have more people, the Tane-Tane will get confused about the exact shape it should take?"

"Exactly," Fox said, his eyes lighting up- was Mario imagining it, or were those eyes lighting up with... pride? "So, of course, we already have a great advantage going into this. The more company you have when fighting a Tane-Tane, the better. I once knew a fun couple- the man had a fear of deep water, the woman had a fear of cows. They met a Tane-Tane, it tried to scare them both at once, and turned into a manatee. Needless to say, they dispatched it with relative ease."

"Today, we'll send one person up to fight it at a time, and have everyone stand by in case things get out of hand. Now, about how you fight Tane-Tanes- basically, a Tane-Tane is the essence of horror. You must fight back with a force even more powerful- the power of humor. Your job, when fighting a Tane-Tane, is to face your fear and attempt to remake the Tane-Tane into something you find funny. To do this, you focus on a way to make whatever you fear humorous, and follow up... with a bad one-liner."

"What?" said the class collectively.

"It's true!" Fox said earnestly. "Nothing ruins a scary situation more than a bad one-liner followed by the horror itself being radically defanged. The worse your one-liner is, the more effective your counter to the Tane-Tane will be. Once the horror has been defanged, turned into something you find amusing, it's time to move in for the kill- what really finishes Tane-Tanes is laughter.

"Now, Luigi, if you'd come up here, please?"

Luigi looked horrified at being the first to be called. Nevertheless, he stepped up. "Now, Luigi, what would you say you fear the most?"

Luigi mumbled something to his kneecaps.

"Sorry, what was that?"

"... Mr. O'Donnell."

There was a small wave of laughter that went through the room. Even Fox gave a good-natured chuckle. "Ah, Wolf, hm? Yeah... frightens everyone. Now, you live with your Grandmother, right?"

"Yeah, but... well, I don't really want the Tane-Tane to turn into her either..."

"Don't worry- it won't," Fox said. "Now, here's what I want you to do-" Here, he moved closer and whispered a few quick phrases into Luigi's ear. Standing back, he said, "Can you do that?"

Luigi gave a weak nod. Smiling, Fox backed up. He approached the wardrobe. "Alright, we will begin in a few minutes. Take this time to think what the Tane-Tane will turn into when it sees you, and begin planning your worst one-liners- we need to make the readers groan!"

Mario cast his eyes around. Link was gripping his sword as hard as he could. He was muttering... "Random movie reference... random movie reference..." Somewhat entertaining, but he had to think of his own Tane-Tane and one-liner.

Well, the first and most obvious thing that came to mind was Tabuu- Tabuu as he'd be if he was ever restored to full power. But then a thought crossed his mind... a hulking figure that seemed to be made out of strips of darkness...

Before he could focus, he heard Fox at the head of the room. "Everyone ready?" Mario was ready to deny it- how the heck did one go about making a _floow _not scary?- but everyone else seemed to be ready, so Fox gave a nod and pulled the door of the wardrobe open.

Luigi was standing at the front, and everyone watched as a claw came out of the darkness of the wardrobe. It was followed by the arm and body of Wolf O'Donnell. For a moment, Luigi stood there, petrified, as Wolf advanced on him. Suddenly, Mr. Saturn appeared over his shoulder and began chattering away. "WhAt ThE bUzZ, wHaT hApPeNiNg, ZoOm?"

Wolf's eyes flicked onto the Saturn, and began bearing down on it. This seemed to spark something in Luigi: he put up his hands and stuttered, "C...come on... Wolf... you're... all dressed up... with nowhere to go...?" It was more of a question than a one-liner, but it seemed to do the trick- Wolf suddenly stumbled backwards, and everyone suddenly broke into laughter at the eighty-year old dress he was suddenly wearing.

"There you go, Lu!" Fox cheered from the sidelines. He was bringing out a boombox, and began playing music that sounded suspiciously like the song from the chase scene in _The Emperor's New Groove_. "Next! Saria!"

Luigi, smiling slightly, moved back into the crowd, high-fiving Saria Kokiri as she passed by to take the helm. Wolf looked at her, and a second later, there were screams as he disappeared to be replaced by a hulking skeleton with a hostile light in its eye sockets- a stalfos.

Saria seemed nervous, but she didn't stutter as she said, "Stay together, don't fall apart on me, now!" The stalfos staggered, then fell apart into a heap of bones. A groan from the class later, and she'd traded off with Duster.

Duster advanced on the stalfos, which swiftly became a large, purple snake that began slithering towards the young man, who quickly called out, "Sorry for bothering you, you seem all tied up!" The snake suddenly found itself in a knot, and hissing angrily as it began trying to undo itself.

Duster slid over and handed the torch over to Link. Link stepped out and approached the snake, which quickly became a large spider with spindly legs and the pattern of a skull on its back: a skulltula. Link stuttered and stammered, before finally choking out, "Ready to get hammered?"

The next thing anyone knew, the skulltula had been smacked across the room by a giant hand carrying a hammer. It hit the far wall, where it slowly skidded down... right in front of Maya Fey. As she stepped forward, it suddenly turned into an evil-looking samurai character, complete with a belt with a skull for a buckle. "The Evil Magistrate!" she gasped. But then, she smiled. "I always thought you were a really cheesy villain."

A gigantic fountain of melted cheese appeared above the samurai's head, and he was soaked in the stuff. He hopped up and down on the spot, trying to rub it out of his eyes, as Lucas stepped up to the plate, pulling out his power controller- a stick. The samurai quickly turned into a menacing figure... dressed in a pig outfit. Lucas waved his stick around. "Stop clowning around!" he called, prompting it to turn into a large jack-in-the-box clown that, as far as Mario was concerned, was more disturbing than anything they'd seen yet. Shrugging, seeing that nobody else was stepping up, he decided to take a few steps forward.

However, before the Tane-Tane could see him and change again, Fox looked up. A look of panic crossed his face, and he jumped in front of Mario, leading the Tane-Tane to become, not a floow, but a strange sort of glowing orb, hovering over them. Fox called out, "You're beginning to bug me!" The Tane-Tane fell to the ground, now in the form of a praying mantis. "Alright, Luigi, finish it off!" Fox cried, ducking to the side.

Luigi, noticing nothing strange, stepped forward, and Wolf was back. Looking more enraged than ever, he reached for his blaster, but not before Luigi called out, "Mind if I sock it to ya?!" A giant sock suddenly fell around Wolf, binding him and causing him to hop about with rage. Luigi broke down in laughter at the sight, and the Tane-Tane disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Fox approached the boombox and turned it off. "Alright... alright, well done everyone... way to go... ten points to everyone who fought the Tane-Tane, and ten points each to Zelda and Mario for answering my questions at the beginning..."

As he spoke, Fox regained his composure. Smiling, he said, "As for homework, head to the library and check out a book on Tane-Tanes from the library- I'm sure Ruto, the librarian, will help you- and give a basic summation on how to handle them. Due next lesson. Dismissed."

And so it came to be that everyone was chattering excitedly as they left. Mario found himself unable to join them- he felt somewhat off-put by not being allowed to fight the Tane-Tane. A horrible thought occurred- could it be that, after seeing his performance against the floow on the Great Fox, Fox didn't think he could handle it?

Well, at least no one else seemed to be thinking along those lines. They were too enraptured by the lesson they'd just had to notice anything strange. Even Link seemed excited.

"Who knew one-liners could be so useful? All I'm wondering... why the heck is Fox apparently afraid of crystal balls?"

"Mysterious indeed," Zelda said, her hand at her chin. "I wish I could have had a shot..."

"Oh, what, and have Samus say you got one question wrong on the last test?"

_XXXX_

_* _I very much subscribe to the part of the internet that agrees the ultimate test of toughness is, "I've waited for the next season of my favorite show to air. It was Sherlock."

** No offense meant to anyone, I actually really like that song. Also, Fox's move here is from Xenosaga.

Okay, now I have to explain. This is an obscure enough reference that I feel the need to elaborate: In Mother 3, the party wipes out on Tane-Tane Island, where a certain event occurs that causes them to hallucinate that they're being attacked by their worst fears. There's no creature explicitly _called _a Tane-Tane, but that's where the name comes from.

Hope you enjoy the chapter- next update might not be _quite _what you were expecting, but it'll still be enjoyable- please R&amp;R, constructive criticism always welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	8. Random Quicky: Where's the Guardian?

Gamer4 in. Coming at you with a new concept I haven't tried before. A brief word of explanation before we begin: this is actually a concept that I had in mind as early as _Hylian Stone_, but for reasons that even I can't comprehend, I never thought to actually implement it until now. Basically, this idea amounts to: when I'm having trouble doing normal chapters, or when I feel it would be appropriate to the story to do so, or sometimes just because, I'd throw in a chapter much shorter than normal, with a loose connection to the main story (if a connection exists at all) and is mostly just to have a few laughs. Just a quick little mid-story oneshot. I'd consider this one sort of a test run to see how well you guys like the idea- let me know in reviews if you'd like this kind of thing to continue! Of course, it'd never override the main story- it's just for fun. Alright, let's get to it.

Disclaimer: I'd like to thank Markiplier and Lixian, two Youtubers who are both to thank for the animated shorts this little quicky is based on.

Random Quicky

Where's the Guardian?

Outside of the Smash Mansion, a panting, red-haired figure stood, looking up at the building he'd been working towards for so long. "Ah... it's about time I got here..." he said to himself, feeling triumph. He'd long since learned to live with the fact that he was randomly talking to himself. "Now, to break in and-" he was cut off as a random wave of cold broke over him, and he ducked behind a nearby tree. Looking out, he saw a hulking floow floating by. "What the- _floows? _They actually put floows around a _school?_"

Sighing, he put his hand to his head and brushed his hair in an exasperated fashion. "Well... this is just fantastic. I'm already a little nervous here, because they've got these floating freaks of nature around this place... I really don't like this at all..." Suddenly perking up, he said, "So, let's dive right in, shall we?"

XXXX

A few moments later, using special methods that will not be discussed because they are subject to spoilers, he had managed to get into the Mansion itself. After skulking around a bit, he found himself in the kitchens among a whole tone of yoshis. (Technically, this shouldn't be discussed until the next story, but what the heck.) "Seems pretty much the same as when I went here..." he muttered aloud from the doorway, alerting the yoshis to his presence. "Nice fireplace!" he added, eyes falling on an ornate fireplace at the end of the kitchens. Whipping out a random false moustache, he quipped, "I can see the budget was just astronomical when they were designing this place!"

"Who are you, sir?" said one of the yoshis, approaching him slowly.

"Don't mind me, I just came down because I need to borrow... a knife. Don't ask why, I just need one."

"We isn't supposed to lend knives out!" another yoshi objects.

"So, I can't take this one with me?" the red-haired stranger asked, pointing to a nearby one that had to be at least a foot long. "Why can't I take it with me? I would like that. Wait, what is that?" he suddenly asked dramatically, approaching an object that looked really out of place in the kitchen-like area.

One of the yoshis approached, looking just as confused as the man himself did. "It is a typewriter that says 'racoon' on it..."

"Huh, that's weird," the man shrugged. "Anyways, it's clear that I'm not getting any knives down here... unless-"

"BOO!" came a sudden cry, and the man jumped back in surprise as the Boo suddenly appeared in front of him, wearing a Halloween mask- well, that's being pretty generous, it was just the stereotypical glasses, big nose, and moustache.

"Wow... they still haven't gotten rid of y-" the man started, looking through half-closed eyes before his eyes abruptly widened. "Whaaaaat?" he sounded off, staring at something behind the yoshis and the Boo alike. "_What _is _that_?" As they all spun around to look at whatever he was indicating, he turned and rushed out of the door- knife in tow.

XXXX

Not long afterwards, he was tiptoeing through the Mansion, slowly climbing the stairs. Strangely enough, he had yet to run into anyone else, which struck him as a little strange, though he wasn't about to curse his luck. He sighed as, for roughly the fourteenth time, he heard a random musical note blow into his ear from the only other being in the hallway- who didn't seem keen on alerting anyone else. "Well, _that's _one thing that's changed," he remarked. "No background music anymore, just this stupid ghost playing a sousaphone in my ear." As he spoke, the Boo rushed right next to him, put said instrument right in his face, and blasted it as hard as he could. Knitting his eyebrows in anger, he growled, "STOP IT, sousaphone ghost!"

"Oh, that's how it is, is it?" the Boo said, floating upwards in mock-indignation. "Well, you know what? _I'm _tired of working for _you!_"

"You weren't working for me..."

"Well, I already know I'm smarter than you," the Boo smirked. "Isn't the fact that you eat meat and I don't proof enough?"

"WHAT?!" the man asked, suddenly enraged. "Just because _I don't eat meat?!_ How dare you, sir?! I _love _meat! I love to put meat in my mouth! I'm serious, white meat, dark meat, sausage, ham, steak, bacon- I really, really love meat!" As he continued ranting, the Boo smirked, his work done, and quietly scooted off down the corridor.

"Actually," the man said, putting his finger and thumb up to his chin, "that puts me in the mood for a nice, juicy sausage. Oh, now I'm looking forward to it... I'd love the flavor from a nice sausage to just explode in my mouth... mmmm..."

XXXX

At this point, a transition came in to move things along. The next time anything noteworthy happened when the man came to a staircase with a large gap in the middle. "Ah, I remember this kind of thing from when I came here," he muttered, ignoring the painting watching him from the top of the stairs who instantly recognized him, but seemed to be paralyzed in fear. "These stairs with big gaps in them, you need to find some secret way to go up... hmmm..."

After spending about an hour mulling over every possible solution, he finally took a deep breath and leapt forward, managing to clear the gap with relative ease. "WEEELLLLL!" he shouted, looking back on the gap in anger, "I'M JUST THE BIGGEST IDIOT THAT EVER WAS! I AM SO STUPID- I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO TRY AND JUMP! WHAT KIND OF MORON AM I?!" Finally calming himself, he turned and muttered, "Forget it, I'm moving on to Nintendo tower..."

XXXX

Hearing this, the painting that had been watching him turned around and rushed off up the hallways. Finally, he arrived in the same painting as two women in the middle of a discussion. "Yeah, seriously," said one of them, a blond in a teal dress, "It took him three stories to get the color of my dress right. Dang colorblind authors..."*

"Rosalina!" said the painting, panting.

"Oh, hey, Polari," Rosalina said, turning to see him. "What's going on?"

"Roy Alluvia! Roy Alluvia! He's in the Mansion! And he's heading up to the Nintendo Hub!"

Rosalina's eyes widened, but the other woman suddenly raised her hand, saying, "Quiet! He's right over there!"

A large number of lumas began to gather to watch as Roy stomped down the corridor. Their eyes immediately fell on the knife in his hand.

"I don't know," he was muttering to himself. "Maybe I _am _the maniac. I mean, I'm just stomping up to this door, with a bunch of kids behind it, carrying this big ol' knife muttering..."

Up to this point, his words had been unintelligible to the painting, but his next words reached them. "WHEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!" he suddenly cried, freezing as he saw the portrait guarding Nintendo's hub.

"Wh- why does he want to know where you are, mommy?" one of the lumas asked, peering up at Rosalina. Rosalina desperately motioned for silence.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!"

"Mommy, he's scary, make him go away!"

"Don't worry, he's going away," Rosalina said, pointing. But this didn't help much- a few moments later, he returned with a ladder and a crazed look in his eyes.

"I HAVE COME TOO FAR TO FAIL NOW!" he shouted, looking beyond any sort of reason. "So, if I just use this knife on the ladder..."

"Why is he using the ladder to try and get in?!" the lumas cried, looking even more afraid than before.

"No, huh?" Roy asked, heaving. "Don't worry, I've got plenty of tricks up my sleeve... like this RAKE! I can use this rake to get in! But how?" Looking down at the fallen ladder, he said, "Ah, I see..."

"Why is he using the rake on the ladder?!" the lumas cried. "We don't know!"

"No?" Roy asked, glaring at the empty painting. "Well, how about... THESE ASHES! I'LL TAKE THESE ASHES!" As he spoke, he pulled a handful of ashes out of his pocket. Who knows where he got them.

"WHY?!" the lumas cried. "What does he need them for?"

"I'LL TAKE THESE ASHES... AND PUT THEM ON MY FACE!" as he spoke, he threw the ashes backwards to cover his face.

"Mommy... please help us!" the lumas cried, dancing around Rosalina. Seeing how afraid they were, she suddenly put on a game face.

"Don't worry, my children... I'll go out and... take care of him," Rosalina said, stomping through the portraits.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?!" Roy asked again, jumping up and down with rage.

"Stop this and go home!" came a sudden shout- he turned to see Rosalina standing there, wand out and pointing threateningly at him. "You've been tormenting the lumas too much!"

Suddenly, the Boo appeared over their heads and, seeing what was going on, cackled. "You do know that you're just a painting, right? You can't affect the real world..."

Rosalina's eyes widened. "Oh... right..."

Roy's eyes looked even wilder than normal under the veil of ashes. "I WILL MURDER YOUR FACE!" he cried, and he jumped at her with the knife. As he tore the painting to shreds, Rosalina suddenly dashed from it, running as fast as she could. The Boo cackled, then flew through a nearby wall.

"WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN!" Roy cried out again. Suddenly, he stopped, seeing the painting all torn up. "Ah..." he looked around, trying to see if he'd hurt Rosalina herself. "And now she's dead. Or maybe she's just run away? I don't know, she might be dead..." Suddenly, he dropped the knife as the full thought slammed into him. "Oh, crud, _she might be dead!" _Without another word, he reached down and grabbed the knife and tore through the Mansion, sprinting until he made it out.

Next time he tried to get in, he vowed, he'd watch a little less Markiplier first.

_XXXX_

* I don't think I've ever actually noted this in the author's notes, but it is true, I am colorblind. If I ever get any of the colors wrong, feel free to alert me in reviews, as usual.

And this is our first random quicky! I don't know, how do you guys feel about the concept? I'd be perfectly willing to do some more of these if you guys enjoy them- heck, I've even got a few in mind! Some might be longer or shorter than this one is. It won't be an every-other-chapter thing- just whenever I feel like really deviating from the story.

Credits- most of this is inspired by some Markiplier Animated shorts- specifically, in order, Psychosis, Outlast Whistleblower Highlights, Wilfred Warfstache, 1,000,000 Subscriber Special, and, of course, Where's the Blacksmith.

Well, that chapter was different! But I'd like to hear how you guys feel about it! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions all welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	9. The Outsider

Gamer4 in. Hello, people, and welcome back after multiple months of silence! I am so sorry, but crud hit the fan really quick over here- both my parents had to go to the hospital (don't worry, they're okay,) my computer began to consistently fail on me to the point that it couldn't even turn on, I wrote half of this chapter multiple times, only to have the computer die and delete it all again and again, my house flooded, and to top it all off, I've begun hunting for a job. It's really great that there's not a dang person over here that's hiring. They all want a worker with experience, so allow me to ask a perfectly legitimate question: HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO GET EXPERIENCE WHEN NO ONE WILL HIRE SOMEBODY WITHOUT IT?! Not that I'm bitter... (he said bitterly with a bitter expression.) Anyways, aside from the job issue, everything's been cooling down lately, leaving me with some more time to write, so much to the point that I'm back to running two stories at once: if you're a fan of large-scale crossovers, go ahead and check out _What Lies Beneath, _which features the introduction of a new fandom every chapter! (Shameless self-promotion.) But, of course, that doesn't change that I've been neglecting my other large-scale crossover series, Mario Mario. I mean, how long has it been? I don't care to actually calculate the time. Dang it, I was supposed to be getting past this! At least it wasn't _entirely _my fault this time... that counts for something... right? Anyways, you didn't come here to listen to my apologies, you came to read the next chapter, so let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: I would like to make a quick note here that the idea of showing the scene where Roy attacked Rosalina was a suggestion by OracleOfAges, and- wait, does that mean Nayru herself gave me the idea?! Wow, that's awesome. Also, I happen to be breaking my promise of not incorporating horror titles into chapter names- this chapter is named after a short story by noted horror author Howard Philip Lovecraft. How I love his craft...

Chapter VIII

The Outsider

And so it came to be that protection from the Evils rapidly became everyone's favorite subject. (Yes, we're ignoring the previous chapter for the moment.) The only smashers in the whole mansion who seemed to have anything bad to say about Fox were- wait for it- Bowser and Wolf. But, given that Bowser's complaints about Fox were just as petty and well-founded as most of the criticisms on the Harry Potter headscratchers page on TvTropes, no one really listened to him.

The first lesson had been interesting enough, but they just kept getting even more so. Later lessons found Fox showing them wels, nasty little creatures that thrived on bloodshed- again, much like the Harry Potter headscratchers page, though most students agreed they'd rather deal with the wels. From there, they moved along to koopas, which Mario had some personal experience with, but he hadn't realized how many varieties there were- green, red, blue, yellow shells, spiked shells, and paratroopas, which came with wings and the ability to fly.

In fact, Mario frequently found himself thinking that if all his classes were going as well as Protection from the Evils was, he'd have it made. But, of course, nothing could ever be that simple. Apparently there was a law against it or something. Right off the bat, the class he hated most of all was, as you would probably expect, Power-Ups. A popular theory among students was that Wolf was born with a solid grimace on his face that had never really gone away, and Mario had never seen anything to discredit this idea, but nowadays, he was particularly nasty. The fact was, however, that Mario didn't even have that much room to be complaining: while Wolf _was _treating him a little worse than usual, the student taking the brunt of the new worse-than-usual attitude was Luigi, leading many people to theorize that the cause of said attitude was because he'd heard about Luigi's encounter with the Tane-Tane. The end result of this was that there was hardly a Power-Ups class that went by without poor Luigi breaking down in tears.

While it wasn't nearly as bad, Mario was beginning to rate Psychic Powers class as being at _least _as low as History of Smashing. Oh, wait, we haven't talked about that class yet? Alright, well, History of Smashing was the only class taught by a ghost- Professor Andonuts. It was rumored that Professor Andonuts had actually led a pretty exciting life, having been the inspiration for James Bond, Indiana Jones, _and _John Mclane all in one person. But if this was true, all traces of it had left him when he'd died, and the most exciting thing he did anymore was enter the class without opening the door, sometimes through the ceiling. Even this, however, was a semi-common appearance at the Smash Mansion, and it was all downhill from there. But, no matter how boring it got, Mario thought, at _least _Professor Andonuts didn't keep looking at him with tears in his eyes, or as though worrying that he was going to drop dead at any second, as both Lucario and half of the Psychic Powers class did.

Mario had thought, in a fit of foolish optimism, that Smashing Creatures would have been a little better, being taught by the Crazy Hand and all, but Crazy seemed to have lost his nerve where teaching said class was concerned. He was devoting every class they had nowadays to teaching them how to take care of Caterpiles, probably the most boring creatures in existence- even having been raised by muggles previously didn't spare Mario the sheer boredom of having to deal with these creatures. In fact, we can probably sum up everything you would ever need to know about Caterpiles right here, right now: they're giant caterpillars. That's it. Sure, there are some different varieties of them, but these aren't any koopas- one kind of caterpile looks exactly the same as any other- at least, unless you felt like getting much closer than anyone ever would, and even if you did, there's no real purpose.

"Why would anyone bother keeping these pathetic little things as pets?" Bowser said loudly in one class, and while Mario, Link, and Zelda had initially reprimanded him on principle, they had been forced to admit that he had a point- after he was out of earshot, of course.

However, as they got deeper into October, something wonderful happened. No, Jupiter didn't turn into a second sun, (all the cookies I currently have made in Cookie Clicker if you actually got _that _reference,) but, for Mario, it was even better. It was a routine Phys Ed class, and Mario was in the middle of waiting for his turn to kick in a game of kickball, when a Nintendo from a different year came in with a note for him, informing him that Smash-Up season had begun, and the Nintendo team captain, Douglas Falcon, was holding the first team meeting in two days.

Quick, research department, have we described Smash-Up yet? Huh, turns out we've made quite a few references to it, but never actually explained it. I blame Gandora. Anyways, Smash-Up is the most popular sport in the world of smashers. It is played by two teams, seven people to a team, in stadiums that utilize hard light to shift and make different styles of arenas for more intrigue. On each team, there were three members of the offense, which handles the Smash-Up ball, trying to put it through four hoops arranged in a diamond shape at the opposite end of the field. The higher the hoop is, the more it scores, either 10, 20, or 30 points. On their offense, the Nintendo team had Ana Lee, Paula Polestar, and Kumatora Jones. The Defense... well, defends the hoops. This is the purpose that Captain Falcon himself served. In addition, there were two nasty gigantic steel balls called chain chomps rolling around, trying to wreak as much havoc as possible, and it was the job of the brawlers to utilize special guns called super scopes to direct these chomps away from their team and towards the other. Nintendo had Kirby and Meta Knight for their brawlers, and they were like a pair of chain chomps given flesh. Finally, the seeker was tasked with finding the smash ball, a little orb of multicolored light that dashes around the arena at random. The seeker catching the ball wins their team an extra 50 points and ends the game- in fact, this is the only way to end a game of Smash-Up, meaning that Smash-Up matches can last anywhere from a few seconds to several months. This, of course, was Mario's job.

Anyways, when Mario entered the Nintendo dressing room, it was to find the normally wildly enthusiastic Captain Falcon looking uncharacteristically dejected. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it," he said as they all entered. "This... is the final year that I have at the Smash Bros. After this year, I'll be leaving, and not coming back. I'll never have another chance at getting the Smash-Up trophy. We lose this year, and I'm finished.

"I spent all my time at this school building the perfect team, and ever since two years ago, I thought I'd found it. Three offense members who rarely drop the ball," he said, nodding at Ana, Paula, and Kumatora, "two brawlers that hardly ever let the chomps even _look _at our team-" a nod for the Faron twins, "- and two years ago, we got a seeker that has yet to lose us a match! ... And me."

"Hey, don't be counting yourself out so quick, man," Kirby said, jumping up.

"Yeah, you're pretty good, too," Kumatora put in, making some sort of gesture with her hands.

"I mean, how many times have you really let that ball into your hole?" Meta said, grinning.

Captain Falcon pointed at him. "Save that kind of humor for next story, when we actually start getting rated T."

"But aren't you not in the next story?" Kirby asked, scratching his head.

"Exactly," Captain Falcon said. "Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, we should be moving towards our third straight year of having that cup by now, but due to... unfortunate circumstances..." A look passed Captain Falcon's face as though he were being forced to relive the most painful memory of his life- which, for him, was a very real possibility. Two years ago, the Nintendo team had been forced to forfeit the final match of the season due to Mario being in a coma, and the year after, the whole tournament had been cancelled due to a giant electric monster of death roaming the school's halls. Had Captain Falcon had his way, neither would have had any effect at all.

The pain on Captain Falcon's face, however, was enough for even Kirby and Meta Knight to empathize. "Come on, cheer up, Captain!" Mario said, standing up. "We're gonna _take _that cup this year!"

"D*** straight," Kumatora said, slamming her elbow into her hand, only slightly upset that she wouldn't be allowed to curse uncensored unless there was another story.

"This year's our year, boyo," Kirby said, grinning.

"Boyo?" Ana asked, raising her eyebrows.

"It's our own language- Faronese," Meta Knight put in.

Paula clapped her hands together. "How about we go in for a group hug?"

Kirby and Meta Knight turned to her with dead serious expressions on their faces. "Paula, we'll be honest with you..." Kirby said.

"That... is the best idea we've ever heard," Meta finished. "Come here, we love you guys..."

And so it came to be that every member of the team was forced into the group hug whether they wanted to be in it or not. Finally, Captain Falcon broke them apart. "Alright, alright, enough of this mushy stuff, we have to get to training!"

And so it came to be that the author used this phrase twice in as many paragraphs, and in addition, the Nintendo team began practicing four times a week. The original plan had been for three, but they (and by 'they,' I mean 'Captain Falcon and Kumatora,') figured, why have three, when you can have four? Everyone was performing excellently, increasing their morale, which in turn made them play even better, increasing their morale even more... don't you just love positive feedback loops?

The bottom line was that, when Mario came back into the mansion and climbed up to the Nintendo hub one night towards the end of October, he was in very good spirits. He gave the password to Rosalina (who, you'll remember, is still just fine because the last chapter hasn't happened yet,) and entered to find all the students third year and above closely scrutinizing the billboard. Finding his two blond friends, he made his way over to them and asked, "So, how long do you think it will take for people to get angry about the narrator referring to you as my 'two blond friends?'"

"Depends," Zelda shrugged. "I mean, neither of us are exactly stereotypical... but aren't you supposed to be following the script?"

"Holy crud, we have a script?" Mario asked, his eyebrow raising.

"What, you've never read it?" Zelda asked.

"I've never heard of it either," Link put in.

"Oh, a thousand-year puzzle just fell into place," Zelda muttered, placing her hand in her palm.

"Does that mean I have to go into the Thousand-Year door and fight the Shadow Queen, now?" Mario asked. "Because I really don't want to."

"Well, if you had been reading the _script," _Zelda said, hands on hips, "you'd know that this is the part where we tell you that the first Kurain Village visit of the year is coming up soon!"

"Oh, _that's _what we're supposed to be talking about?" Link asked.

"What did you think we were talking about? Pumpkins?" Zelda asked derisively.

"Oh... no, that's ridiculous..." Link said, quickly throwing the pumpkin he'd just been carving out of the nearby window, which was open because... reasons.

Mario sighed. "You see? Why bother having a script when the whole story is basically just a series of increasingly obscure references?"

"Blasphemy!" Zelda cried, pointing her finger dramatically. "Without the script, we wouldn't know where we were going with this story!"

Mario stared for a couple minutes, then simply said, "There are so many jokes I could make with that sentence that it just feels like cheating." Clapping his hands together, he said, "So, you were talking about Kurain?"

"Ah, yes, Kurain," Link said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his fingers together. "Did you know that it's got the greatest candy shop known to smashers? Yup, Toad's candy shop, where dwells the world-famous honey mushrooms, toasted wafers in the shape of a bunch of different shadows..."

"I don't even want to know what he means by that," Zelda muttered. "But it's a fascinating historical spot, too! Did you know that it was initially founded as a village specifically for smashers who had spirit channeling as their special power?"

"And then there's the world-famous Mach Pizza- you can't eat there, but you can get their number, and they deliver the greatest pizza-"

"Wait, I thought you didn't know how to use a phone properly?" Mario pointed out. "Remember the Smith incident?"

"Oh, yeah, well... I think Gamer4 just wanted to make an Earthbound reference..." Link said, scratching the back of his head.

"That guy is really starting to get on my nerves," Mario grumbled. "I mean, it's not like I'm going anyways..."

"Oh, right!" Zelda said. "Your- your aunt and uncle didn't sign your form, did they?"

"We had a deal," Mario explained. "I behaved myself while my aunt was over, they sign my form. I guess blowing her up was kind of a deal-breaker."

"I'd imagine," Link said, snorting. "I'm sorry, but that's still the best thing I've heard all year, _including _when Dad came home and said we'd won the lottery. Anyways, you know what I think? I say you go to Samus, and talk to her about it. I mean, come on, it's Kurain! Everyone's going, you can't be the only third year left behind because your family are a bunch of-"

"Link!" Zelda said, her hand at her chest.

"What?" Link asked. "I was _going _to say that they're a bunch of W-"

"Link!"

"...Winnicots*. There, happy?"

Zelda opened and closed her mouth for a few seconds, before saying, "Well, that's still a potential spoiler!"

"I don't know, that reference is pretty obscure..." Mario pointed out.

"It's a cult classic!" Zelda retorted. "I mean, not as much as its sequel, but _still_!"

"Why are we talking about this?" Mario asked. "You know what, I just want to end this scene right now, before Gamer4 gets the opportunity to make any more references, so let's get to a transition- you know what? I think I will talk to Samus." He then crossed his fingers, muttering, "Please have a transition, please have a transition..."

Abruptly, Simba the Meowth appeared and leapt into Zelda's lap, carrying a dead wood thrush in his mouth. "DANGIT!" Mario shouted.

Simba paid no heed to Mario's sudden misery, casually tossing the bird up in the air and into its mouth before beginning to casually crunch on its bones.

"Does that... _thing_... really have to do that in front of us?" Link asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"He's a _cat,_ Link, what do you expect?"

"Well, technically, he's a pokemon..." Mario put in, earning himself a death glare from Zelda.

"_Cat-type _pokemon," she hissed, sounding for all the world like an Arbok.

"Okay, okay, _cat-type _pokemon," Mario said, raising his hands in surrender.

"Okay, fine," Link muttered, leaning back in his seat and indicating a bag on the table next to him. "Just keep him away from Oreo, Oreo needs his beauty rest, okay?"

Sidenote, I just want to thank Jim Carry for always pronouncing beautiful as 'b-e-a-utiful' in Bruce Almighty, because there is no doubt in my mind that otherwise, I'd be consistently misspelling it.

Mario stretched. It was nice to have a plan relating to Kurain, but he was still feeling really tired and worn out after practice. Looking around, he tried to determine what he had to do to get the scene to transition. Nothing immediately popped out at him, so, grumbling, he reached into his bag to pull out some homework for Psychic Powers class.

"Oh, stop grumbling, it won't kill you," Zelda said, looking over and seeing what he was doing.

"Well, come on, the readers don't want to hear about my homework..." Mario grumbled.

"Oh, doing homework in a story about a school, what a novel concept," Zelda snarked.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Mario muttered.

As they were speaking, Ness happened to walk by, hear that they were talking, and saunter over, asking, "What are you guys talking about? Pumpkins?"

Mario bent over, looking like he'd been physically injured, before turning to Ness, very slowly. And then, he pounced, coincidentally at the exact time that Simba leapt at Oreo. Chaos broke out as Zelda leapt up to pull Mario off of Ness, and Kirby and Meta joined Link in grabbing hold of Simba. Eventually, once Zelda successfully pulled Mario off of Ness, (who, thankfully, was mostly uninjured, and simply used lifeup alpha to heal the minor injuries he _had _sustained,) and Mario joined in the effort to keep Simba away from Oreo, a sentence that you hear all the time in my house.

Finally, they succeeded, and, after handing the Meowth to Zelda, their next order of business was to dig Oreo himself out of the pile of dirty laundry that he'd been buried in. None of them could quite work out _why _there was a random pile of dirty laundry up in the Hub, but they were all so used to the Smash Mansion being weird by now that they just kind of went with it.

"What... the heck... is wrong with you?!" Link asked, heaving as he turned on Zelda.

"Are you kidding me?!" Zelda asked. "Mario attacks Ness out of nowhere-"

"That pumpkin-lover had it coming," Mario interjected, still not sounding altogether recovered.

"Well, that sounded like a euphemism," Ness commented.

"It wasn't!"

"_Anyway..._ Mario attacks Ness out of nowhere, and you're getting on me for my cat attacking your bird?"

"I like my bird! I vant my bird! I want to hold him, and I want to please him! And your dang Meowth isn't going to try any tenderness, that's for sure!"

"If you're done waxing lyrical," Zelda said, on the verge of snarling, "maybe I could point out that he's a _cat- _chasing birds is what he _does!"_

"Pokemon," Mario quietly added.

"_Cat Pokemon!" _Zelda threw back, on the verge of shouting.

"That Meowth has it in for Oreo!" Link retorted. "It's hunting him! Oreo was here first, he's sick, and it's not like he's ever going to be able to do anything back!"

"Ah, foreshadowing," Ness said, his pointer finger raised in the air. "Your guide to quality literature."

"Will you get out of here?!" Mario shouted, turning on him.

XXXX

So, in the end, Mario finally got his transition, cutting from that particular night to the Phys Ed class of the next day. Despite being on the same bowling team (yes, bowling apparently counts as Phys Ed, and I've now alienated anyone who had bowling as part of said curriculum,) (and yes, the Smash Mansion has a bowling alley, the Smash Mansion has everything,) Link was almost entirely refusing to speak to Zelda. Mario bridged the silence with grumbling about how ridiculous it was that even the Smash Mansion's bowling ally required the students to wear special shoes to roll the magic ball that couldn't be rolled by anyone wearing their own shoes- it's against the laws of nature or something- and eventually Zelda got so tired of it that she actually made an attempt to talk to Link- which, incidentally, is exactly what Mario had been aiming for.

"So, how's Oreo doing?" Zelda asked, turning back after throwing her ball down the ally and getting her fifth consecutive gutter ball.

"Hiding under my bed, shivering like he's going featherless in the middle of winter," Link said sharply. The Farons always did pride themselves on the ability to turn a phrase. He threw his ball, and, to everyone presents' amazement, got a strike. The problem was, it wasn't actually in his lane.

Later on, they had transformation, where they were continuing their study into sliders. Samus was saying something about it being pretty important for later or something, but who actually listens to their teachers?

Mario had resolved to talk to Samus about potential future Kurain trips, so he was planning to linger behind when the bell rang, but before they even entered the class, they were distracted by Ilia crying just outside of the classroom, with her friend Saria next to her. "I-is something wrong?" he asked, approaching.

"It's her pet cat, Whitestorm,"** Saria explained, looking up while rubbing Ilia's shoulder. "She just got a letter this morning- he's been hit by a car, and... well..."

Mario cringed in sympathy. From beside him, he heard Zelda give a small gasp as well. "I- I'm sorry... that's terrible..."

"I should have known!" Ilia cried out. "Don't you know what day it is today?!"

"Um... I want to give a day of the week, but every time we do that in this series, it always turns out to be wildly inaccurate..." Mario said, trying his best to not sound insensitive.

"Not the day of the week! The date! It's October 23rd! Don't you remember what Lucario said?! He told me that the thing I was dreading would happen today!"

"I... I don't actually remember that..." Mario muttered. "I think that oh greatest of Winnicots, Gamer4, forgot to mention it..."

For a moment, there was silence, then Zelda slowly said, "So... you were dreading Whitestorm being hit by a car?"

"Well, not necessarily... but I _was _dreading his death!"

Zelda was putting on her 'thinking things over' face, a face that Mario personally felt couldn't have been more inappropriate for the situation. Finally, she asked, "So... Whitestorm was old?"

"No!" Ilia cried, getting even more hysterical. "He was just old enough to not be a kitten anymore!"

"Then... well, why would you be so afraid of him dying?" Zelda asked.

Half the crowd turned to glare at her, and the other half, Mario included, was simply staring at her with incredulity. "Um... Zelda, now might not be the best time to be pushing your 'Lucario's-a-fraud' theory..." Mario muttered.

"Oh, come on, Mario," Zelda interjected. "Whitestorm was young, correct? Logically, she'd have no reason to be fearing his death to the point of it being part of a prediction, and it's come as a shock anyways, further evidence that she's just taking the sadness of what's happened and applying it so that her faulty superstition works- no offence. On top of that, Whitestorm didn't even die _today, _she just _got the news _today..."

"Actually, it happened early this morning," Saria interjected, giving Zelda her best death glare and on the point of grinding her teeth. "She didn't find out from a letter, it was an email."

It was at this point that Link stepped in. "Don't listen to Zelda," he growled. "She doesn't think other people's pets actually matter..."

"I'm just trying to point out a logical fallacy, Link!" Zelda threw back.

"By using someone else's trauma and grief and throwing your own logic into it to further your own agenda of proving yourself right and everyone else idiots?" Link asked, snarling. "You know what _that _sounds like, don't you?"

"No!" Zelda gasped. "Don't say it!"

"I'm saying it!" Link said, raising his voice. "That sounds like-" here, he suddenly pulled out a microphone connected to random loudspeakers all over the hall, "_THE HARRY POTTER HEADSCRATCHERS PAGE ON TVTROPES!"_

Needless to say, it was another silent period between Link and Zelda. Mario wasn't particularly impressed with either- Zelda _had _been incredibly insensitive towards another's misfortunes, but Link had made that Harry Potter headscratchers page reference for the third time in the chapter, which wasn't something he could easily forgive either. So, when he eventually did get up to talk to Samus about Kurain, he did his best to ignore both Link's encouragement _and _Zelda's attempts to dissuade him.

But I'm getting ahead of myself- because, as it happened, _Samus _was actually the first one to mention Kurain village. As the class was drawing to a close, Samus announced, "Hals, you may go to your next class, but Nintendos, I need to have a word with you before you leave!"

So, as the Hals were filing out, Samus addressed the Nintendos. "Now, I'm aware that this Halloween will be, for many of you, your first trip to Kurain. You're all in my group, so those of you with permission forms should hand them in to me before then."

Luigi meekly raised his hand. "Um... Ms. Aran, I think I lost-"

"Relax, Luigi," Samus said, waving her hand. "Your grandmother sent yours to me directly. Anyways, remember that there is no visiting the village unless you have your form. In addition, I'd like to go over the ground rules for the trips, the usual stuff, you know... your conduct will reflect on the Smash Bros. itself, so behave, and all that... Well, I think that's everything for now, so now you're dismissed."

"Judgement day, pal," Link said, patting Mario on the back.

"Don't do it, Mario," Zelda said, looking at him sternly. Mario, however, was, as mentioned above, not paying attention to either of them, only to the mass of commas that had infiltrated this sentence. Brushing that aside for the moment, he got up and approached Samus herself.

"Um... Ms. Aran?" he asked, catching her attention.

"Yes, Mario?" Samus asked, turning from where she was wiping the whiteboard.

"Well... the thing is..." Mario said, suddenly feeling very wrong-footed, "there were some difficulties with my Aunt and Uncle, and... well, long story short, they forgot to sign the form."

"Yeah, I heard about that," Samus said, fingers raising to her face as though she were adjusting an invisible pair of glasses. "Quite the difficulties, if I do say so myself..."

"Then..." Mario said, not knowing whether or not to draw hope from the fact that Samus hadn't rejected him yet, "is it okay if... you know, can I go if you give me permission?"

Samus looked up. She spoke surprisingly gently. "I'm afraid that's not how it works," she said. "Only a parent or a guardian can sign the form, and I'm not either of them. Unless I was _really _drunk for nine straight months thirteen years ago, which would have been quite an accomplishment considering I don't drink... anyways, no, I can't give you permission. I was already bending enough rules making that joke in a K+ story."

"Well... _technically_, you're kind of like a guardian to all the Nintendoes..."

This one actually caused Samus to smile slightly- though this amounted to just a little twitch at the corner of her lips. "I'm afraid that's not close enough for the purposes of the form," she said. Her face took on a new look, one that Mario couldn't exactly identify- was she pitying him? "Really," she commented, "it might be best that you don' t go, Mario... for... reasons." Mario thought he knew what those reasons were, but didn't comment. "Anyways, that's the final word. You'd... you should probably hurry, or you'll be late for your next class."

XXXX

Mario found himself the center of a little ring of pity in the hub that night. Link and Zelda had a negative-feedback-loop going where Link would throw out a lot of not-exactly-complimentary words in regards to Samus, which would annoy Zelda and further prompt her to push her 'all-for-the-best' look, which infuriated Link, causing him to come up with worse words to describe Samus, prompting Zelda to push her 'all-for-the-best' look even harder, infuriating Link even more, leading to- yeah, you get the picture.

Eventually, the loop was broken through sheer tiredness, causing Link to try to offer up some comforting words. "Well, hey, at least there's the Halloween feast, right?"

"Of course," Mario said, forcing a smile. "Always that." The Halloween feast _was _always a thing to look forward to, but A) it would taste better after having been in Kurain Village for the day, and B) the previous two years had consistently featured Bad Things (TM) happening on Halloween, and he was already trying to formulate theories about what it would be this year.

Ness, who was good at handwriting, had offered to put Uncle John's signature on the form for him, but Mario pointed out that Samus already knew the form had been signed, and would be able to see through it immediately. Diddy suggested using a wooden jetpack made out of barrels to fly to Kurain, but that had just earned him a lot of weird looks. Link, though he already suspected it was worthless, tried suggesting the invisibility blanket, until Zelda pointed out that the blanket had no effect on floows. But of all the things people attempted to tell him to help him or cheer him up, Mario could rate none of them as low as Rob's words of wisdom: "Oh, sure, they all talk about Kurain like some big, historical tourist attraction, and, I guess, it kind of _is,_ in a way, but really, if you take out the big candy store, the world-famous pizza shop, that one house that's been haunted ever since a spirit medium was murdered there, the couple of bars they've got over there, the joke shop, the historical museum, the post office, and a few other shops, you're not missing anything."

Mario could have retorted, but, once again, it was simply too easy.

XXXX

On Halloween morning, Mario still felt depressed over being left out, but he did his best to not show it. Link and Zelda, however, picked up on subtle signs, and they felt for him enough to forget their personal war. "I'll be sure to send some pizza over to you," Link said.

"I'll see if I can pick up some sweets from Toad's candy shop," Zelda put in.

Mario could tell that they were both sincere, especially Zelda- if she was offering sweets, the situation was serious. He quietly thanked them, told them he'd see them at the feast that night, then quietly started heading back up the stairs.

He vaguely wandered through the halls, thinking distantly of paying a visit to Parakarry, but he was stopped as he heard a voice speaking out of an empty room. "Mario?" it asked.

Mario spun around to see Fox in his office, a bottle of something in his hand. (You now have a few paragraphs to guess what this something was.) "What are you doing here? Where are Link and Zelda?"

"Oh, um... Kurain," Mario said awkwardly. "I had some... difficulties... with my Aunt and Uncle, so I can't go."

"I see," Fox said, stroking his muzzle. "How about you come in? Have some... well, I have some soda."

Mario shrugged, and, bereft of anything better to do, decided he might as well. As he entered, he noticed a tank that seemed to be empty at first, but when he looked closer, he saw that there was actually a bizarre sort of creature inside- a strange sort of creature resembling a floating manta ray, except largely transparent to the point that the only reason Mario could see it was some vague shimmering in the sunlight. "What's that thing?" he asked.

"That's a gnosis," Fox said, taking a swig from his bottle of (wait for it,) Mountain Dew. "Interesting creatures, gnosis. They blink between different planes of existence, and to this day, even though we've figured out ways to deal with them, we've never really worked out what, exactly, they actually _are._ When we first met them, they were pretty disastrous, because they can only be fought when they're drawn fully into our plain of existence, which typically requires special tools. But the most interesting thing about them is what they're made of. Care to take a guess?"

Slowly, Mario said, "We're not in class right now."

Fox gave a small laugh. "The world is nothing but a particularly large classroom, Mario," he said. "Never pass up an opportunity to learn new things."

"And now we sound like a motivational poster," Mario muttered. Shrugging, he said, "Um... 80% water?"

"Not at all," Fox said, waving his hand. "Sodium chloride- common table salt. No one knows what causes something as simple as salt to become so dangerous... but there's something beautiful in them, too, wouldn't you say?"

Mario looked at the gnosis, sitting in its tank, complacently shifting in and out of existence. There _was _something somewhat appealing to the eye here...

Fox cleared his throat. "Ah, yes, soda," he said, turning to a cabinet which, when opened, revealed a stockpile of Mountain Dew. "That's about all I have, I'm afraid, but hey, better than milk, isn't it?"

Mario quietly accepted a Livewire. "To corporate advertising," he said, raising his bottle in a toast before taking a swig. As he did, he suddenly did a spit take as something clicked in his head. "Wait a second, you heard about the milk?"

"Samus told me," Fox said. "Death by milk certainly would be one of the less dignified ways to go, wouldn't it?"

"I- I'd say so," Mario muttered, taking another drink. "I mean, I've seen some dangerous stuff before, but _milk_, man..."

Fox seemed to detect something wrong in Mario's voice, because his next words were, "Is something wrong, Mario?"

"No!" Mario said too quickly. Fox gazed at him scrutinizingly for a second, then shrugged and returned to his soda, prompting Mario to give in. "Yes," he sighed. "There's kind of something on my mind..."

"By all means, share it with the class," Fox said, waving his hand at the empty room. "I mean, it has to be easier to talk to the whole class when 'the whole class' is just me and Dilbert over there."

"Dilbert?"

"The gnosis. His name is Dilbert because I said so."

"Ah. Anyways, yeah, something's wrong. Why..." Mario pondered for a moment on how to voice his concern without sounding whiny. Finally, he decided on the straight path. "Why didn't you let me fight the Tane-Tane?"

His previous experience with teachers being somewhat lackluster, he fully expected Fox to deny having done any such thing. In reality, however, he did the opposite: he gazed directly at Mario over his soda and said, "Well, isn't it obvious?"

Mario stared blankly at Fox, not comprehending. Fox, not sighing or making any effort to sound condescending, said, "I stopped you because I thought it would become Tabuu. Maybe I was wrong on that one..."

Mario gaped for a moment or two. Not only had this thought not occurred to him, but Fox had done something that very few smashers ever did- drink Mountain Dew with anything other than a smile. Yeah, just kidding, what he'd actually done was to talk about Tabuu by name. (Or, you know, his more widely-used nickname, since his actual name was, you know, not that. Have I used the words 'you know' enough here?)

"But how does that explain the movie, where it already transformed before you jumped out?"

"You know, Mario, there's an entire discussion on that over at the Harry Potter headscratchers page on Tvtropes, it's one of the few times someone's asked a legitimate question," Fox said.

"Oh, did you have to use that comparison?" Mario asked, rubbing his forehead. "That's four times this chapter, it's getting old!"

"Alright," Fox said, rubbing his muzzle again. "Anyways, common logic dictates that there might be something in the way of a panic if the most evil being that ever lived were to suddenly appear in a classroom."

"Well," Mario admitted, "I _did _think of Tabuu... first. But then, I remembered that thing on the Great Fox... the floow."

"Hmmm... interesting," Fox said, causing Mario to look up in surprise. Fox was examining the bottle. "This went out of date a few months ago. Then again, smasher scientists have discovered that, as the perfect drink, Mountain Dew never spoils..."

"Um, sir, I think we've heaped enough praise on Mountain Dew in the past two–and-a -third stories," Mario pointed out.

"Oh, right," Fox said, setting the soda aside. "The floow. It is interesting that you accept this as your Tane-Tane. Fearing a thing that causes fear would imply that what you fear most is fear itself. Very interesting indeed."

Mario, unsure of how to reply, did what everyone does when they've hit a dead end- he drank some more Dew.

"So, I'd imagine that you were worried I thought you didn't have the nerve," Fox said, setting his bottle down.

"Yeah... to be honest, I kind of was..." Mario couldn't explain it, but he felt like some sort of weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Before either of them could speak, however, the door suddenly opened, and they both turned to see a young woman with blue hair and dressed in a red apron standing there holding what resembled a pizza box. "Who are you?" Fox asked.

"Aika Nakamura, pizza delivery girl for Mach Pizza," the young woman said in a very bored voice, the expression on her face not shifting at all.

"I'm sorry, I didn't order any pizza," Fox said, looking confused.

"No, you didn't," Aika nodded. "We received an order from someone named 'Link Faron,' who told us to deliver a pizza to a Mr. Mario Mario. That's you, right?" she asked, looking at Mario.

"You deliver up here?" Mario asked, bemused.

"We deliver anywhere. Mansions, castles, under sea, in space, alternate dimensions..."

"Okay, I get the picture," Mario said. "But, wow, you sure got here fast..."

"Under ten minutes, or it's free," Aika said. "But yours is already paid for, so hurry and eat it before it gets cold." With that, she handed the pizza to him and jumped on a random scooter which she rode away.

Both Fox and Mario simply stared at the pizza for a second, as if not quite believing what they were seeing. "So, let me get this straight," Mario said. "Gamer4 put that whole scene in here for no reason other than to make a Persona 4 reference?"

"That's what it looks like," Fox said. "Well, you'd best eat up."

"Do you want some?" Mario offered. "I mean, I wasn't expecting to get pizza all of a sudden, but as long as it's here..."

"Oh, no, none for me, thanks," Fox said, waving his hand. "I can't eat anything else today except for-"

The door opened again, and someone much less welcome that Aika entered- Wolf, carrying a plastic jar filled with some sort of meat in his claws. "Ah, Fox, I see you have a visitor," Wolf snarled.

"Ah, speak of the Devil, and he shall appear," Fox said, smiling slightly. He reached up and accepted the jar. "The power-up is prepared properly?"

"Naturally. I have some extra, should it be required," Wolf growled.

"Probably tomorrow," Fox said, touching the top of his head. "Thank you, Wolf."

Wolf threw one last glare at Mario, then made his exit. Mario slowly looked up at Fox, who opened the jar and dumped a lump of raw-looking meat onto a plate. "Whazzat?" Mario asked, wrestling with a sudden urge to stop him at all costs.

"Oh, this?" Fox asked. "Yes, well, I suffer from a... unique illness, you see, and Wolf happens to be one of the few power-up makers in the world who is fully capable of making something that helps. Unfortunately, they have yet to make it even vaguely appetizing," he added with a grimace, sticking the fork in and begrudgingly taking a bite.

"Ah," Mario said, still wrestling with the desire to keep the meat away. "You know... Wolf is very fascinated with the Evils. He's wanted the Protection from the Evils job ever since he first came here."

"Oh, really?" Fox asked, looking at him. "Not that surprising, really. I knew him, you see, when we came here. We all knew him. I had a few... friends, and then there was that one guy who was always following us, so fascinated in the Evils-"

"In fact," Mario cut him off, "some people say that he'd do anything to get the job."

"Well, I certainly hope not," Fox said, another slight smile forming as he took a very reluctant-looking bite of meat. "Anyways, when I'm done with this, I should get back to work, and you've got a very fine pizza to eat there, so... I suppose this should conclude this meeting..."

"Right," Mario said, still eyeing the meat suspiciously as he stood to leave. "Goodbye..."

XXXX

"Mail time, mail time, _maaaail tiiiiime!_" cheered Link, Kirby, and Meta as Mario entered the hub that night. They were dancing around wearing freakishly large grins. Kirby took up the lead singing part with Link and Meta as his backup dancers. "Here's the mail, it never fails, makes me want to wag my tail, when it comes I want to wail: MAAAAAAIL!"

This was concluded with a showering of sweets and souvenirs into a laughing Mario's lap. "Wow, you guys sure go above and beyond the call of duty," he said, trying to hide his laughter with his hand.

"But of course, sir!" Kirby and Meta both chanted in unison, jumping into a mock-salute. "Well, we've caused enough damage around here, we'll leave you three to it!"

As they danced away, Mario was left with Link and Zelda, who, thankfully, hadn't resurrected their war yet. They looked cold, but also overjoyed. "Nice stuff," Mario said, helping himself to a honey mushroom. "So, how was Kurain?"

"Oh, it was awesome!" Link said, looking excited. "Toad's candy shop was better than I imagined!"

"And the museum was fascinating! I never knew half the things I found out about the Kurain Channeling technique there!"

"That's great!" Mario said, actually cheered up enough by the Farons' mail dance that he genuinely meant it. "Oh, and thanks for the pizza, by the way."

"Well, I told her right where to find you," Link said. "It started as a joke, actually. I asked if she could deliver some pizza to my friend up in the Smash Mansion, and she said right away, so I told her, up in the Nintendo hub."

"Well, I'm even more impressed now," Mario said. "I actually wasn't up here when she delivered it."

"Huh?" Link asked. "Where were you?"

And so it came to be that Mario regaled them with the whole story of his trip into Fox's office, all the way up to Wolf's unexpected arrival.

"And Fox actually _ate _that stuff?" Link asked bewilderedly. "When he knows what Wolf's like?"

"Sure did," Mario said. "I mean, he didn't look happy about it, but it _was _raw meat, so..."

"Well, hey, he wouldn't have done anything bad if Mario had been there, would he?" Zelda asked.

"I wonder," Link said, stroking his chin. "Anyways, the Halloween feast is starting up soon. We should get going."

"Yeah," Mario agreed. "Time to find out what's going to go wrong _this _year..."

"Always the optimist, aren't you?" Zelda commented.

As they climbed out of the hub, past Rosalina's portrait, she bid them farewell, little knowing that her own fate had already been decided... (evil laughter in the background.)

XXXX

However, despite Mario's paranoia, nothing particularly bad happened... during the feast. He kept looking up at Fox, expecting something bad to happen to him, but he looked as happy as ever. He half-expected one of the teachers to rush in, saying that the gnosis had somehow gotten loose, say, or that he had to go to one of the ghost's Halloween parties again. But this last was actually reversed- perhaps remembering the disaster that was their Halloween party the previous year, the Smash Bros. ghosts actually put on a show for the living ones this year, and it was pretty entertaining. All was right with the world... until everyone, tired and full, left the Dining hall to go to their own hubs.

Mario, Link, and Zelda were climbing up the stairs to the Nintendo hub when they suddenly ran into a gigantic crowd. "Oh, no," Link muttered, still looking lazily content. "Looks like Luigi forgot the password again."

"Oh, come on, I don't actually forget it _that _often!" came a sad-sounding voice to their left- they turned to see Luigi standing there, looking pained.

"Oh, sorry," Link quickly apologized.

"Then what _is _going on up there?" Zelda asked, putting her hand over her forehead and peering up and over the crowd.

A pink shape pushed her way through the crowd, and they eventually recognized her as Peach. "Peach?" Mario asked. "Is something going on?"

"Rosalina!" Peach said, looking slightly scared. "She's gone missing! Rob's gone to get the Master Hand!"

"Wait, what?" Mario asked flatly.

Sure enough, at the head of the crowd, he could see a gigantic right hand floating over the group, making its way to the front. Eventually, Mario, Link, and Zelda managed to fight their way up as well, though not as fast, because, you know, floating.

"Holy-" Zelda started, only very closely stopping herself from going further.

Rosalina's portrait wasn't just ruined- it was destroyed, demolished, beaten down, shaken up, kicked in the butt, and made to wet its pants. It looked like it had been visited by an army of crazed Wolverines- and I _am _talking about Hugh Jackman here, not the animal. Rosalina, as Peach had said, was nowhere to be seen.

The Master Hand spoke slowly but urgently. "We must find her as soon as possible. Someone find Mido, tell him to search every painting in the mansion for Rosalina. Get all the other paintings in on it, the ghosts as well."

A sudden cackling came from overhead. "Oh, that won't be necessary," said an evil-sounding voice. "For, of course, the great Boo saw the whole thing!"

"What do you mean?" the Master Hand asked, looking up at the floating menace.

"Oh, she took some nasty slashings from him, alright," the Boo said, seeming like he was trying to drum up suspense. "He wasn't amused that she wouldn't let him in, you see. Got very cross with her."

"Who did?"

"Oh, eyes like ice and hair like fire!" the Boo cackled. "And no more mercy now than thirteen years ago! But the prodigal son has returned! Roy Alluvia is home again!"

_XXXX_

*I now use this word in place of other insults. It's something I picked up on from a friend. You can look up why, but beware of potential spoilers.

**Because I'm depressing, Whitestorm is named after a cat my sister found foraging for scraps on the road and took in. Yes, my sister is a Warrior Cats fan, how'd you guess? And yes, the real-life Whitestorm shares the fate of his Mario Mario counterpart. He has been laid to rest in our backyard, complete with a tombstone that my sister designed herself. R.I.P.

On a less depressing note, _yes, _I finally updated! (Pops some party poppers.) Hopefully, this will usher in a new age of me actually keeping a semi-decent update schedule, though between still job-hunting and a new project that I'm working on (Due to my insanely sporadic work schedule, I don't want to give too many details, but I call it 'Project Solaris,') I wouldn't hold out hope for more than once a week, though hey, maybe we'll get lucky and I'll finish this before the turn of the century!

Okay, Q&amp;A time! A couple different questions today, all from longtime reviewer riverraiden! Now, granted, these questions were asked a while ago, so she (I'm guessing she, apologies if I'm wrong) may have already figured them out, but here we go:

Q: What is the Legendary H&amp;S badge? A: That whole passage is one big reference to the 3 badges that make up a big sidequest in Xenogears: The Mythical RPS (Rock-Paper-Scissors) Badge, the Legendary H&amp;S (Hide and Seek) badge, and the Tag Badge that even the Elders Are Crazy About! (It's been a while since I played that game, I may be wrong about that last one.) You got each badge by talking to some obscure NPC and playing a minigame based on the titular badge to win it, and then turned them all in to _another _obscure NPC. Unfortunately, despite the extreme anger one is likely to acquire doing this sidequest is really not worth the reward.

Q: Who is Sir Michael Gambon? A: Sir Michael Gambon is an actor famed for such roles as Kazran Sardick, the Ebenezer Scrooge stand-in in Doctor Who's inevitable take on 'A Christmas Carol,' and for taking over the role of Albus Dumbledore from the third film onwards when the previous actor to play Dumby, Richard Harris, got too, you know, _dead _to play said role. (No disrespect intended, Richard Harris was awesome.) But, because he was replacing a previous actor who'd done a great job, Dumbledore's new face was met with a crudstorm among fans, instantly deriding him as ruining everything Dumbledore stood for simply on the basis of being Richard's replacement, and very little attention paid to his actual, you know, _acting. _Yeah, he had a couple wonky moments, but people completely ignore all his great ones in favor of endlessly nitpicking said wonky moments, _not that I have an opinion. _

Anyways, as usual, thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, and continually putting up with my atrocious update schedule. You know, I tell myself that it can wait until tomorrow, and then it can wait until the next day, and then your house is flooded and Liquid is reanimated in Ocelot's body. (Shout-out to any Metal Gear fans out there.) Things just escalated quickly. Anyways, hopefully the longer-than-normal chapter makes up for it, I intend to return to semi-regular updates, so look out for that, as well as any potential news about Project Solaris, and... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism and questions alike are welcome, (I am trying to make this the best story it can be, after all,) flames are not so much, (see above point,) Gamer4 out!


	10. Disaster in the Stadium

Gamer4 in. I'm starting this particular chapter about a day and a half after the last one went up, so let's see if I can actually be consistent here. Anyways, how are you guys doing? So far, I'm doing fine. My computer needs a little more work done on it before it's functioning fully properly, but I am, at the very least, able to write. I've been looking into a new game series- Shadow of the Colossus, by Team Ico. As a gamer, I always enjoy looking into new kinds of games, new series, and seeing what new and exciting things the gaming world has to offer, and this title recently caught my attention. Who knows, if I like it enough, maybe some of its characters will make it into this series- assuming, of course, that said series goes on long enough. Anyways, I've gotten myself off track enough, and a pretty big character is getting introduced this chapter, so let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: As a fun fact to any Yu-Gi-Oh fans out there, despite everyone deriding the main characters for preaching about the Heart of the Cards, is was actually _Kaiba,_ of all people, that coined the phrase and made it relate to the cards actually having sentience and helping you win if they liked you. Prior to this, the characters had only said the cards had 'bonded with their heart,' basically a fancy way of saying that the cards had sentimental value. Now, what does this have to do with the story, let alone this specific chapter? Nothing, but I thought random trivia would be better than telling you something you already know _again._

Chapter IX

Disaster in the Stadium

And so it came to be that the Nintendos were all herded into the Dining Hall, where they were swiftly joined by the Hals, Sierras, and Retros, none of whom seemed to have the slightest idea of what was going on. The tables had been pushed to the walls, a carpet mysteriously replaced the normally hard floor, and several sleeping bags had appeared. As everyone filtered in, the Master Hand took his normal place at the head of the hall, where he began addressing them all. First, he explained what had happened, and what the Boo had saw. "As such," he continued, "The teachers and I must perform a thorough search of the mansion. Now, we cannot be certain that Roy has left the grounds, so, for your own protection, it is best that you all spend the night here. Prefects are standing guard, and while the search is being performed, the Head Boy and girl are in charge." As he spoke, he motioned at Rob, who, despite the dire circumstances, still looked as arrogant as ever. "If anyone sees anything suspicious... well, don't keep it to yourself."

As he spoke, he began floating towards the exit. Behind him was Wolf, Samus, Daisy, and Pikachu, none of whom looked particularly thrilled with what was happening.

As all four of them exited the room, it took all of a billion... nanoseconds for the entire student body to embody the phrase, 'When the cat's away, the mice will play,' except that doesn't really fit, because none of said teachers were actually cats... in fact, one of them actually _was _a mouse... hm... whatever, moving on. Anyways, they weren't really 'playing' either, as much as they were 'talking long and incessantly about Roy's break-in.' Initially, Rob made some effort to stop them. "Silence! Cease! Desist!" he called out in his usual monotone. Nobody listened to him, and continued talking. Next, he aimed for a different tactic: "Okay, you can talk for now, I don't feel like keeping you all quiet. I could if I wanted to- I just don't feel like it at the moment, so I won't, but I could!" Nobody even looked up at him. He sighed. "Non-robots," he muttered under his breath.

Naturally, three of the students ignoring him were Mario, Link, and Zelda, who, naturally, had grabbed three sleeping bags right next to each other.

"So, do you think Roy might still be in the mansion?" Zelda asked, making a bold attempt at sounding brave, but not able to disguise the shaking in her voice.

"Well, the Master Hand seems to think it's possible," Link replied, his voice shaking just as much. "It's just lucky that he happened to choose tonight, of all times. Any other night, we would have been up there..."

"I doubt he realized it was Halloween," Mario theorized. "I guess calendars aren't something fugitives have ready access to... he just didn't realize what day it was, otherwise he would have come in here instead..."

However, none of these things were what everyone was asking each other. What everyone was asking was one simple question: "How?"

"Maybe he used a kart to drive in past the floows?" said one of the Retro students, a young woman with silver hair and wings sprouting from her head, who may or may not be a flash forward to a future character.

"Or he could just be a master of disguise," suggested a large, beefy, red-haired Hal.

"I bet he knows how to whir!" Ness contributed.

"No, no, no!" Zelda cried out, drawing everyone's attention. "Hasn't anyone else read _History of the Smash Mansion?_"

"Probably not," shrugged the aforementioned beefy Hal. "Care to enlighten us?"

"Okay, first off," Zelda said, hands on her hips, "The grounds around the Smash Mansion are under all sorts of protections- you can't just ride a kart in unless... I don't know, if you're the Master Hand. Aside from that, you'd just come out on the other side of the grounds. The floows are blind- disguises would mean nothing to them, so that's out. And as for whirring- well, honestly, I don't even know what that is."

"You don't know how to whir?" Ness asked. He suddenly jumped up, with two other students next to him- a young man wearing glasses and Paula, of all people, the former of which pulled a boombox out of nowhere and started playing some dance party music. "Everybody get up from where you were, now!" Ness started singing. "We're teleporting like a blur, now! Run real fast and whir, whir! Grab your pants, take the stance, and just whir, whir! Alright!"*

And before anybody could stop it, as if the mansion itself wanted in, a disco ball descended from the ceiling and everyone jumped up and a dance party ensued, with Rob desperately running around trying to restore order. Mario, Link, and Zelda fought their way to the edge, where Link asked, "So, is whirring feasible?"

"Well, from what I'm guessing, Ness is actually talking about teleporting, which you can't do in the mansion, so yeah, that's out," Zelda said. "What _is _this song, anyways?"

"I don't know, but I'm joining in," Link said, grinning, jumping out and beginning to dance as well.

Mario tried to resist, but found himself tapping his foot. He glared down at it for a second, only to find his other foot tapping as well. Looking up, he saw Zelda staring at him in horror. "Not you, too, Mario!"

Mario shrugged and finally gave in, jumping out into the floor and dancing... terribly. He hadn't exactly had any dance lessons before, but luckily, nobody called him out on it. Dancing is all equal when there's not even a standard on what creature you are- what's terrible dancing for one species makes you Michael Jackson in the other- minus the unfortunate implications.

Zelda stared at them for a moment, exasperated, before finally shrugging. "Well, you know what they say," she muttered. "If you can't beat them... rock out... like a ninja!" With that, she was suddenly surrounded by blue light, turning into Sheik, before joining everybody else on the dance floor.

And so it came to be that everyone kept dancing the night away until the teachers returned and finally managed to restore some semblance of order. After quite a bit of effort, everyone was back in their sleeping bags, and, under threat of an angry Samus or Wolf, most people didn't dare get up again.

XXXX

Several hours later, just about everyone had drifted off except for- wait for it- Mario. There wasn't much point in trying to reinitiate the dance party because the teachers continued checking in roughly every hour. It was insulting- it was like they didn't trust them. Mario, however, found himself unable to get to sleep. He wasn't stupid, he knew what Roy had broken into the mansion for, and while he hadn't been particularly afraid, the image of what was left of Rosalina's painting after Roy was done with it kept worming its way back into his mind, replacing it with a similar image where it was something else that had been torn up... but the story was only K+, so he didn't get any more detailed than that.

It was around 3:00, the good ol' soul's midnight, that he heard the doors open. He heard some footsteps, the quiet whirring sound that signified Rob moving, and eventually, Rob's voice. "Have you found him yet?"

"No, I'm afraid I haven't." Mario's eyebrow raised. That was the Master Hand's voice, but the Master Hand floated, he didn't walk. His question was answered as the Master Hand spoke again: "You, Wolf?"

"I have yet to find any signs of him either," came a snarl that was most certainly Wolf's.

"Hm. Well, I didn't really expect him to stick around, after what he'd done..." the Master Hand muttered quietly. "Anyways, we've located Rosalina- hiding in some concept art of Brinstar. In the meantime, I've found a substitute guardian to take over her duties while Mido restores her health."

"How do you restore a painting's health, sir?" Rob asked.

"I don't know. That's why Mido's doing it," the Master Hand pointed out.

For a brief moment, there was another low whirring noise that could only be Rob moving away. As soon as he was out of earshot (or sensorshot, I suppose I should say,) Wolf turned to the Master Hand. "So, do you have any idea how he got in to begin with?"

"I have quite a few. In fact, you might say that I have so many that they number more than a certain number featuring a nine followed by three zeroes. However, none of them are entirely likely..."

Mario tilted his head. Wolf was continuing to look just as angry as ever. "Well," he said, "wasn't it Sherlock Holmes himself that said, 'when you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?'"

"I studied smashing history, I am aware of this," the Master Hand agreed.

"Well, if you eliminate all your impossible theories, does the theory I have presented remain? I recall that I mentioned my concerns earlier-"

"It does not," the Master Hand said, still calm. "I recall your concerns, but I do not believe he had any inside help."

"You're very trusting. Perhaps too much so."

"Only to those who have earned it... such as yourself." For some reason, Wolf seemed so taken aback by this statement that he didn't reply. "Anyways, I must go and update the floows on the situation."

"Ah, yes, they're still upset that you wouldn't let them help, aren't they?"

"I'd imagine they are," the Master Hand said, a note of dislike in it that Mario had never heard before- it sounded extremely alien coming from the old hand. "However, I do not intend to ever allow a single floow to enter this house. And as long as they live under my roof, they live by my rules."

"But they aren't living under your roof."

"On my grounds, then."

"Perhaps you should tell Mario the truth, then?" Wolf suggested. "After all, this all greatly concerns him."

"Perhaps so," the Master Hand said, sounding contemplative. "But not now. For now, let him sleep, or, perchance, even dream, for in dreams, we enter a world entirely our own. Let him swim in the deepest oceans, or glide above the highest clouds..."

At which all of Michael Gambon's naysayers completely ignored this next in a series of great lines that weren't in the original book and focus on one of the few times that he messed up _which wasn't even his fault _AND IT WAS JUST IN THE SMEGGING SCRIPT, HOLY CRUD GET OFF HIS CASE-_ *crack!*_

Apologies, the author of this fanfiction has been sedated and will return to writing once he has rested and been put back on his medication.

XXXX

As you might imagine, it was a while before the students of the Smash Bros. got over this one. Everyone returned to their hubs the next day, but it was quite a while before people stopped talking about the attack. Theories about how Roy had gotten in got wilder and wilder, eventually culminating, as many things seem to, in Maya Fey speculating that he'd utilized Pandora's Box.

"Really?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow when she ran this theory past him. "I'm... not sure it works like that."

"Well, you can do anything with that box, that's why they needed such a big temple to hide it!" Maya pointed out.

Mario stared for a moment before saying, "...Wrong video game, Maya."

"But isn't this whole story a crossover anyways?"

"Wrong gaming company."

Roy's infiltration lingered longer in Nintendo's minds than anyone else's, mainly for the pretty legitimate reason that they had a new guardian, filling in for Rosalina while she was recuperating. Her replacement? Of all the paintings in the whole Mansion, Rosalina's replacement as guardian was... Toon Link. Yeah. As anyone would have guessed after spending more than a few seconds with this guy, he was off his rocker. And by that, we mean that he never had a rocker to fall off of to begin with. If he wasn't trying to fend off the 'threats' to Nintendo security, like innocent Nintendos trying to get into their hub, he was coming up with insanely long and complicated passwords, which seemed to get changed every hour, on the hour. In addition to everything else, this meant that Nintendo students saw a lot more of Rob, whose job it was to distribute the new passwords to anyone who needed to use the painting.

"_Again?_" Diddy muttered in exasperation during one transformation class as he and Ness looked up to see Rob hurrying in for the second time that class alone. "He _can't _have changed it again already!"

"Seriously, can't we get someone else?" Ness asked as Rob approached. "This guy's driving me crazy!"

"No, we can't," Rob muttered, shaking his head with the covers that served as his eyelids half closed. "After what happened to Rosalina, Toon Link was the only painting who wanted that job. Anyways... the new password is... Olly Wolly Polly Woggy Ump Bump Fizz."

Holy crud, you thought I was kidding about the passwords being ridiculous, didn't you?

"Um... could you repeat that?" Diddy asked, a look of shock on his face.

"Why bother?" Ness muttered. "By the time we need to go back in, the password will have changed five more times anyways..."

However, Mario was having problems of his own separate from Toon Link and his insane passwords. While he knew Rob had to see him more often than usual anyways, to let him know about the new passwords, he couldn't help but feel that his increased encounters with the robot was a bit much even for that. He was starting to wonder if Rob was tailing him- it wouldn't exactly be out of character for Mrs. Faron to tell him to do so, and it would be even less out of character for Rob to follow this order to the letter without question.

This is what was on Mario's mind as he watched Rob turn and leave the transformation class, which brings us to what happened afterwards, when Samus dismissed everyone, but first called out, "Mario, stay back!"

Mario did so, having a sinking feeling that he knew what this was about. Sure enough, once the rest of the class had filtered out, Samus turned to him with a grim look on her face, and said, "Well, Mario, I... don't quite know how to tell you this. Everyone's been refraining from telling you for a while, but it's time you knew the truth. You see-"

"Roy's after me?" Mario guessed.

Samus's mouth dropped- not something you'll hear often. "How did you know?"

"Well, over summer I heard Mr. Faron talking to Mrs. Faron about it- he works with the government, you know. But even if I hadn't heard that, well... I mean, it's right in the story's description, isn't it?"

Samus glanced upwards. "Depends on if the reader's on the mobile site or not."

"Granted, but still," Mario shrugged.

Samus looked at him for a second between her fingers, then spoke again. "Well, that said, I think you'll know where I'm coming from when I say that it might not be the best thing for you to go to Smash-Up practice anymore. After all, the stadium is a pretty exposed place-"

"HOLD IT!" Mario suddenly cried, the words appearing in a stamp in front of him.

"Did you really have to shout? I'm right here?" Samus asked, rubbing a finger in her ear.

"Sorry, Gamer4 likes making Ace Attorney references," Mario muttered. "Anyways, hold up! The first match of the Smash-Up season is right around the corner- we can't afford to just... not practice! And besides, there's a whole team out there, including Captain Falcon with his falcon punch, and Kumatora with her... everything!"

Samus mulled this over for a second. Mario could see a certain strain on her face- he knew that, despite everything, Samus was a very big fan of Smash-Up herself- she'd apparently been a brawler in her youth, so it would make sense**- and she wouldn't want to do anything that would hurt her team's chances overly much. He waited with bated breath, waiting for the verdict to fall.

Finally, she slowly said, "Well... you raise a good point. But still... I'd feel more comfortable if there was a staff member present. I'll speak to Coach Lakitu about presiding... I feel that's a fair compromise."

Mario, relieved, simply nodded.

XXXX

On the subject of Smash-Up news, let's talk about that, now!

The weather was starting to get worse and worse as November began to sweep over the Smash Mansion. Storm clouds began to take hold, and refused to go away- at best, the days were obscenely overcast, and at worst, there was a permanent thunderstorm raging over their heads. Mario was just glad that the Smash Mansion didn't run on conventional power, relieving fear of power outages, but it wasn't exactly good news for the Smash-Up teams that would be playing soon, and thus, needed the practice more than ever.

What, you thought that was even going to slow down the Nintendo team? With Captain Falcon and apparent First Mate Kumatora? Ha ha ha ha! You haven't been paying much attention, have you?

Sure enough, the Nintendo Smash-Up team refused to let their practice be deterred by what most schools would describe as 'inclimate weather.' The team, after hearing Mario's story, had accepted Coach Lakitu's supervision with relative open arms. They were getting better and better, and the fire starting to burn in their hearts staved off the cold. It was some serious 'chariots of fire' stuff out there... until Captain Falcon came to practice one day with some very unwelcome news.

"We're not playing Sierra!" he announced over the roaring wind. "Vaati just came to me, we're playing Hal instead!"

Everyone stared at him. Any Smash-Up player or follower (and let's face it, to be anyone at the Smash Mansion, you had to be one or the other) worth their salt knew how the season worked. As far as Nintendo was concerned, their first match was against Sierra, followed by one against Retro, and finally, the last match of the year was Nintendo against Hal. Now that Mario thought about it, due to... circumstances... this match would be the first time he was going up against Hal.

"What the heck?" Ana asked. "Why Hal? What's up with Sierra?"

"Well, according to them, it's because Bowser's arm is too badly hurt, but it's pretty obvious why they're actually doing it- this weather, it's abysmal, so instead of working through it like we are, they just figured they'd get out of having to play in it at all- not that I'm bitter," he said bitterly with a bitter expression.

"This is _bull honkey!_" Mario shouted angrily. "There's nothing wrong with Bowser's arm!"

"Well, I know that, and you know that, but we can't prove it. Our play schedule has been changed- our first match is against Hal, then Retro, and Sierra will be the last match of the year. Yeah, we're up against Hal, now, and not only do they have an _entirely _different playstyle, they've just gotten a new seeker, some guy named..." Here, he reached for a piece of paper in a pocket on his uniform, "... Donkey Kong, apparently..."

There was a burst of laughter from the team, namely, from Kirby, Meta Knight, Ana, and Paula. "Donkey Kong?" Ana choked out through tears of laughter. "That Hal muscle head?"

"You're worried about a gorilla driving a kart?" Kirby and Meta chortled. "Well, didn't think we'd be seeing that any time soon!"

Suddenly, all four received dope slaps upside the head- Kumatora for Ana and Paula, Captain Falcon for Kirby and Meta Knight. "_This isn't a laughing matter!_" Captain Falcon shouted. "Kong's put a very strong team together, and he's not half bad as a seeker himself! Sierra's trying to throw us off our game, but we can't let them! We must triumph over these odds they've set against us! _We must win!"_

"Okay, okay, we'll win for you!" Kirby and Meta said, looking terrified as they embraced each other. "Just stop looking at us like that!"

Mario, meanwhile, was stroking his chin, thinking to himself, _Kong... Kong... where have I heard that name before?_

XXXX

Tension was stretching high as the match approached. The weather was just getting worse and worse, with no signs of clearing up, which meant, of course, that the Sierra team was rubbing in the fact that they weren't playing as much as they possibly could, but the king of this was, as you may have already guessed, Bowser Dragmire. Every class he shared with Mario now featured him pointedly staring across the room at his rival, groaning incredibly dramatically, and sighing, "Dang, homy, and it's such great conditions for Smash-Up, too. I sure wish my arm was better, then I could be out there driving around through the rain..."

Luckily or otherwise, Bowser only did this when he was sufficiently placed that Mario couldn't get at him to punch him in the face. He was already on edge enough as it was- Captain Falcon had shown him Donkey Kong in the halls, so he'd know what he was up against, and... dang. Donkey Kong was, as Kirby and Meta Knight had said, a gorilla, the only piece of clothing he had being a tie around his neck with his initials on it, which was presumably also his power controller. He was more heavyset than seekers tended to be (seekers were generally in the medium weight class, to balance durability and speed,) but in this case, Donkey Kong's weight would be the advantage- the high winds were less likely to blow him off course than Mario.

On top of this, in his efforts to assist Mario to catch the Smash Ball first, no matter what, Captain Falcon kept heading Mario off in the halls, pulling him to the side to give him valuable advice that Mario would appreciate, if it didn't make him almost miss his next classes. On one occasion, Mario simply tuned him out and just kept nodding through the whole speech, not noticing as Captain Falcon said things like, "Do you want to hear my advice again?" leading to him looping the same advice over and over again because Mario, of course, was still nodding. By the time Mario tuned back in to reality, he looked at his watch to remember that it was still not working- he hadn't fixed it or gotten a new model since we last described it way back in _Hylian Stone_. Instead, he checked a clock on the wall, which showed that he was several minutes late for his next class, Protection from the Evils. "Oh, crud," he muttered. "Um, Captain, let's have this conversation later, I need to get to my next class..."

With that, he turned and dashed off through the halls, moving as fast as he could to the Protection from the Evils class. Finally, he burst in, panting, and muttering, "Sorry I'm late, Mr. Mccloud..."

"Late again, Mario?" came a voice that was very clearly _not _Fox's. "Well, I'm disappointed. I thought mine was the only class you consistently failed in- I thought I was _special. _I'm so disappointed, in fact, that I'm going to take ten points from Nintendo to represent the minutes that you were late."

Mario stared across the heads of the students turning to stare at him. Standing at the head of the room was Wolf O'Donnell. "What... the... heck..." Mario said slowly. "Where's Mr. McCloud?"

"He has found himself indisposed," Wolf snarled. "Another fifteen points from Nintendo, and sit down before I start doubling it."

Mario slowly moved across the room towards where Link and Zelda had saved him a seat.

"Now," Wolf said, "as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, Fox hasn't left a list of what you've covered yet, so-"

"Sir!" Zelda called, hand in the air, "We've done Tane-Tanes, wels, koopas, and we just finished off with gnosis, so next, we were going to talk about-"

"Silence!" Wolf growled. "I didn't ask where you were, I was just commenting on that scatter-brained vulpine's lack of organization."

"Oh, come on, he's the best teacher we've had!" Diddy objected, to quite a few agreements and nods around the room.

"Silence!" Wolf repeated again. He strode over to Diddy, walking in what may have been the most menacing fashion anyone there had ever seen, until he was looming over the monkey like a gargoyle over someone standing outside a cathedral. And then, speaking in the slowest, most threatening voice he had, he growled, "Turn to page three hundred and ninety-four."

"Huh?" a cowering Diddy asked, looking like he thought he'd misheard.

"Turn... to page three hundred and ninety-four." Spinning around, he glowered at the rest of the class. "And that goes for all of you as well!"

Everyone pulled out their books and began turning through the pages. Link, probably down to his Faron blood, was intentionally turning the pages as slowly as he could, one at a time, leading to him jumping about a mile in the air when an agitated Wolf came over and slammed the book open to the correct page for him before striding away.

Link touched his thumb to his nose behind Wolf's back before looking at the chapter, and gasping. "What the- _Werecreatures?_"

"Yes," Wolf growled. "I have noted that you are all extremely behind on dealing with the most evil type of creature ever to live in this Universe- the werecreature."

"But sir, isn't that just baseless prej-" Zelda started, raising her hand.

"Silence, Ms. Hyrule! Any more outbursts and you will be costing your group points!"

As everyone finished getting to the proper page, Wolf began drawing a picture of a human halfway through turning into some strange creature- Mario would describe the image as a whole as being a 'one-winged angel.' Turning back to the class, Wolf asked, "So, can anyone tell me the difference between a slider and a werecreature?"

Zelda raised her hand once more, but everyone else was too busy being angry at Wolf to do anything. "No one?" Wolf asked, looking around. "What a testament to Fox's teaching ability, that a class of third-year smashers can't even identify a were-"

Zelda snapped, and rebelled in the only way she knew how- she answered his question to the letter. "A slider chooses to turn into an animal, while a werecreature has the transformation forced on them every full moon. In addition, a slider retains their own mind while in their alternate form, while a werecreature becomes incredibly hostile, and might even kill their own friends if they met up. In addition, the animals that werecreatures become are much more aggressive and are typically twisted versions of other-"

"Ms. Hyrule!" Wolf growled, raising his voice. "Do you have some sort of biological compulsion to speak out of turn every time I'm trying to teach, or do you simply take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?"

Now, don't get any of them wrong, everyone in that class had most likely referred to Zelda as a know-it-all at least once, and Link made sure to let her know that she was a know-it-all at least twice a day, but none of them had ever intended genuine hurt on her, and thus, it shouldn't be to anyone's surprise that everyone glared at Wolf for this comment, and Link himself actually called out, "You winnicot! She answered your dang question, why ask a question if you're just going to chew out whoever gives it? What are you, the Harry Potter headscratchers page on tvtropes?!"

Everyone stared at him, with Diddy giving a resounding, "Ohhhhh, he went there..."

Wolf slowly turned to Link, a look of pure fury on his face. "Detention, Faron," he growled. "You will not make derogatory references towards me in my own class, least of all compare me to... _that_ place."

As you might expect, things only went downhill from there. Wolf had them taking notes on werecreatures throughout the whole class, with him walking among them and making occasional comments. It was the same method that a previous Protection from the Evils teacher, King Dedede, had used, except much worse, because while Dedede had been doing what he could to help them understand the material, Wolf's comments were always snide remarks about the students being idiots, and Fox being even more so for passing them anyways.

As the bell rang, Wolf called out, "Homework! I want a fifteen-page essay on werecreatures, and taking particular note on how you recognize them, and a conclusion involving the identification of any potential werecreatures you know!"

"Not exactly subtle, is he?" Link muttered, causing Wolf's attention to shift to him.

"Ah, yes, that reminds me," he growled. "Stay back, Faron, we need to arrange your detention."

Mario and Zelda waited outside for Link to come out, and when he did, he was in a towering temper. "That... that... that... _*beeeeeeep*_" he shouted.

"Link!" Zelda gasped. "What happened to 'winnicot?'"

"Too good for him!" Link raged. "He's making me clean up the entire hospital wing, making everything sparkle! Why couldn't it have been _Wolf _Roy attacked, instead of Rosalina, huh? At least we wouldn't be having to deal with those stupid passwords-"

"Yeah, about that..." came a monotone voice from behind them, and they turned to see Rob standing there. "He's changed the password again- it is now-"

"Yaaaaarghhhhhh!" Link shouted, jumping on his brother.

XXXX

Mario woke up early the next day. At first, he thought it was the storm raging outside that had awoken him, until he looked up and nearly had a heart attack from the troll face floating over his bed, which, on closer inspection, turned out to be a mask being worn by the Boo. "You freaking ghost!" Mario shouted as loud as he could without waking up his roommates.

"You mad, bro?" the Boo cackled before rushing out of the room.

Grumbling, Mario withdrew back into his covers and attempted to return to dreamland, but it was one of those situations where you wake up and wonder how you could have slept through certain conditions- in this case, the maelstrom that was raging outside. Finally, he gave up and just headed down to the hub to sit in front of the fire. As he headed down the stairs, he noticed Simba the Meowth trying to make his way up. He reached down and grabbed the cat pokemon by the scruff of his neck and carried him back downstairs. "I'm starting to think Link's right about you," he muttered. "Look, there are plenty of mice to chase around here, and probably a few birds outside to hunt down, go after them. If you keep going after Oreo, Link's probably going to by a pokeball and force you into it- and I don't think I'd be first in line to stop him."

Simba looked up at him, then skulked away, though Mario resolved to keep an eye out. Eventually, the sun began to rise, and Mario, his stomach grumbling, got up to head down to breakfast.

"Face me, you coward!" Toon Link called out as he headed through. "Die, monster, you don't belong in this world!"

"Oh, shut up," Mario muttered, continuing on his way.

"NOOOOOOO!" Toon Link called out. "I WANNA BE THE GUY!"

Mario ignored him and began descending through the mansion. In the dining hall, he helped himself to some cheerios and toast. As he ate, the rest of the team filtered in, none of them- even the Faron twins- looking particularly joyful about this whole situation. Captain Falcon looked like he was considering killing himself via froot loops. Paula, noticing, approached him and patted him on the shoulder. "It's alright, Captain," she said. "We'll pull through. I mean, it's just a bit of rain..."

This was a blatant lie, and everyone knew it. There was enough rain to have made an entire ocean around the mansion, and then kick it up into a hurricane. By the time the team had finished breakfast and began heading out to the stadium, the grounds had turned into dirt-and-grass soup, and Mario kept feeling ahead with his feet before taking a step, worried that he'd accidentally fall into Lake Delfino, since the grounds all looked the same anyways.

Finally, they all arrived in the changing rooms, and proceeded to... well, change. They all slid into their Smash-Up clothes, and waited anxiously for the call to head out onto the field. When it finally arrived, Captain Falcon stood and made a brave attempt at giving his usual pre-match pep talk, but the sounds that came out of his mouth were all strange and unintelligible, so the team eventually headed out without it.

The stadium was a giant tower made out of steel, with walls made of glass. Peering in, Mario could see that the insides resembled a parking garage. It had to run over fifty feet high, and on the roof was the usual safety precautions. A giant, empty ring ran through the middle. Everyone's karts were already parked outside, and Mario headed over to his Flame Runner, casually sitting in the puddle of water that had formed in his seat, and started it up. Coach Lakitu came out into the field sitting in his cloud, neither of whom looked particularly thrilled to be there. At his bidding, Captain Falcon and Donkey Kong approached each other, shook hands, and returned to their karts- Donkey's seemed to be made out of a giant barrel. Mario looked around- the audience was obscured, visually and audibly, by rain and thunder. He shook his head- finding the Smash Ball was going to be gangs and gangs of fun. Fun in gangs.

Coach Lakitu floated up into the center of the stadium, and swung a traffic light on a fishing pole out of his cloud. The red light lit up... then the yellow... and... the green!

Everyone slammed on their accelerators. Captain Falcon drove towards the goals, and everyone else drove into the tower.

At the very least, Mario thought as he climbed through the tower, the walls offered some resistance against the wind, though the fact that the roof was just a ring meant that rain was still falling hard and fast. He was chilled to the bone within seconds. All the other players were a blur as he steadily climbed up and up, trying to get to a good vantage point from which to scan around the stadium for the Smash Ball. Every now and again, he'd look and see Donkey Kong on a similar path- whether he was following Mario or just had a similar strategy, he didn't know. Every now and again, a chain chomp would roll past, typically with either Kirby or Meta on its tail. He was losing track of time, with everything molding into just one long period of cold, roaring winds and rolling thunder. Every now and again, he'd hear the bell that signified one of the teams had scored, but he couldn't hear the commentary (performed by the Faron twins' friend, Teddy Ellay,) and thus couldn't tell if it was Nintendo or Hal that was in the lead. Straining his eyes, he found himself peering into the audience. Perhaps he could tell by the faces of the people in the crowd...

Suddenly, he pulled back, his heart jumping. In the crowd, high up in the seating, sitting away from anyone else, he could see a large, bearlike wolf, staring at him with piercing blue eyes. In the storm, the words from that random sailor in Psychic Powers class came back to him, full force: "Yaar, the legend of the blue-eyed beast echoes down through even pirate lore! It's one of the most horrifying omens known to the world! It's an omen... of death!"

He stared, silent, still, and transfixed for a moment or two, before being distracted by the Smash Ball pelting by his face, causing him to spin around and pursue it, curving around corners at insane speeds, and ultimately finding himself in a race with Donkey Kong for the ball. The two found themselves descending through the tower, putting all the force their bodies had into making their karts go as fast as they could, with the Smash Ball glinting tantalizingly in front of them. Slowly, they began to reach out for it... they needed only for one of them to catch it, and they could go back inside, where it was warm...

But then, something strange happened. The chill in the surrounding air deepened, going through Mario's bones and into his very soul. The adrenaline in his body seemed to be sapped out of him, and he also noticed that someone seemed to have hit a mute button on the world- the wind was blowing as fiercely as ever, and he could see flashes of lightning, but he couldn't hear the wind or thunder. As they reached the bottom of the tower, Mario looked out and saw, to his horror, what looked like an entire army of floows swarming into the stadium. Instantly, all thoughts of the match forgotten, Mario went into full retreat mode, steering the flame runner around and beginning to ascend the tower again, no longer in pursuit, but rather being pursued himself...

The tower was being overrun by the creatures, swarming in and beginning to follow after the players. Mario increased his speed by as much as he could, darkness beginning to form at the edge of his vision... he could, once again, hear someone screaming off in the distance, but this time, he could make out the words: "Not Mario! No, please, not Mario!"

"Move it," another voice sneered- a terrible voice that he'd heard before... "Stand aside, foolish woman. I have no interest in you, only the boy. You need not die tonight..."

"No, not Mario! Take me instead!"

And, abruptly, Mario collapsed entirely, head hitting the edge of his wheel, losing consciousness just as the kart burst through the glass of the tower and began flying away...

XXXX

And... as he would later remember... he wanted to wake up. He could hear voices around him, muttering... "Dang, that was a nasty fall."

"Well, he _was _almost at the top of the tower."

"Yeah, by the time he hit the ground, he must have been going, like, 9001 miles an hour!"

"That's... not possible. Terminal velocity, and all that..."

"Ah. Stupid terminal velocity, always making everything less exciting."

"...Anyways... lucky the Master Hand did whatever he did, when he did it."

"And the ground was pretty soft to begin with, after all."

"He still looks pretty bad to me..."

"Well, let's take you up to a tower's roof, throw you off, see how well you look when we pick you up."

Feeling the opportunity for snark, Mario forced himself into full consciousness to mutter, "Probably a heck of a lot better than he usually does..."

There were a few gasps, and a couple people said, "Mario!" or "He's awake!"

Mario finally forced his eyes open to find himself surrounded by Kirby, Meta Knight, Ana, Paula, Kumatora, Link, and Zelda, all of whom were looking at him with extreme concern. They all looked like they'd been out for a swim in their clothes- which, to an extent, they kind of had. Looking around, he identified the room he was in as the hospital wing.

"Mario!" Kirby said, bending over him and placing a hand on his forehead. "You feeling alright, brah?" Despite an attempt at sounding like his usual cheerful self, he looked uncharacteristically unnerved.

"Well... I don't feel any major injuries... why, what happened?"

"You fell out of your kart- at the top of the tower," Ana explained. "Well, I say fell off... it's more like your kart came bursting through the glass, you fell off in midair, and the kart just kept flying off into the distance... cleared the top of the stadium and went off into the grounds..."

Mario shook his head. "I mean about the match... what happened with the match? Are we having a rematch?"

Everyone stared around the room awkwardly. Mario had a sinking feeling in his stomach. "We... we didn't lose, did we?"

Zelda spoke up. "No one blames you, Mario. Really. The floows aren't supposed to come in the grounds, just guard the entrances... the Master Hand was furious... it was scary..."

"He was firing giant bullets from his fingers, along with lasers, and... well... _punching _them..." Link recalled.

"But... we can't technically call for a rematch," Kumatora put in, shifting the topic back to the game. "Donkey Kong caught the Smash Ball a few seconds before you passed out, so it all works out... for Hal. Even Captain Falcon admits that they won, fair and square..."

"Now that you mention it... Where is Captain Falcon?" Mario asked, noticing that said kart-racer wasn't present.

"He's trying to drown himself in froot loops," Meta muttered. "I _wish _that was one of my jokes..."

Mario found himself just as rattled as everyone else present. He was uncomfortably aware of how close he'd just come to dying... again. Trying to divert from this fact, he asked, "So, did anybody get my Flame Runner?"

A renewed wave of cold seemed to sweep through the room. Everyone was looking awkwardly at each other, and Link reached up to rub his arm. "Um... yeah... about that..." Link said. "When you fell off, your kart kept going... it headed off into the grounds, and... well... it eventually ran into the...er... the... well, it ran into the Flaaghra..."

Mario's heart sank. The Flaaghra was a notoriously vicious monster that grew out of a giant flower, with a large body and multiple arms culminating in scythes, and a long body that culminated in a twisted, deformed head... and it didn't exactly appreciate it when things slammed into it.

"Where is it?" he asked.

Shaking, Zelda reached under the bed and produced a grocery bag, placing it on Mario's lap. His hands trembling, he reached into it and pulled out a metal cylinder- the exhaust pipe that was all that remained of his beloved, faithful, and now defeated kart.

_XXXX_

*Quick reference to _Whir Jam_, from Fobbies are Borange, here. I really like that song, but be warned, it does contain some lyrics that some may find offensive, so be warned.  
** A reference to the movies themselves, where a blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of an old Quidditch award shows that Professor McGonnagal was on a Quidditch team in her youth, as well. Unfortunately, it doesn't say what position she played, but it was the same team as James Potter, so seeker's out.

Wow, way to end on a downer. Well, here's the next real chapter, as promised. Honestly, I expected this to be up tomorrow, not a few hours after that last random quicky, but hey, I don't think anyone's complaining. Anyways, we have one question today, returning to riverraiden: What's up with the pumpkins? Well, that's an obscure reference to a show I used to watch, Fairly Oddparents- you may have heard of it. Anyways, it was something of a running gag that someone would listen to a song, for example, with a clear meaning, and mistake that meaning for being... pumpkins. Not much more to it than that. Anyways, I'll be up front with you, next up is another random quicky, the one that I actually had planned when I wrote _Where's the Guardian,_ so that ought to be up soon, and then after that, I'll get to work on the next real chapter! In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, not so with flames, Gamer4 out!


	11. Random Quicky: The Wels in the Walls

Gamer4 in. Wow, it suddenly got really cold over here. I just woke up one morning to find a blanket of snow surrounding my house. Anyways, I'm kind of snowed in over here, and I'm extremely sleepy right now, so what better time to write a chapter? This is one of the first ideas for a random quicky that I had, along with _Where's the Guardian? _This one's based on an actual level from the _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban _game, which happens to be my favorite of the games, as wild and random as the levels may be. Anyways, let's jump right in!

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, I know, the Harry Potter games are made by EA games... Also, another Lovecraft chapter title.

Random Quicky

The Wels in the Walls

Night had descended on the Smash Mansion, and Link Faron was alone as he slunk through the halls, shiftily glancing behind him and in front of him as he made his way towards the hospital wing. He was walking very slowly, sticking to the shadows, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that he jumped about a mile in the air when a voice behind him said, "Link? What are you doing?"

He spun around to face his 'assailant': a robot rolling its way down the hall. "Oh, I... I was just going to see... my pal Mario!" Link said, a freakishly wide grin spreading across his face. "You know, it's terrible that he crashed... and all that..." strangely enough, these words were punctuated by a look that suggested he was forcing back laughter, "so I thought I should pay him a visit... say hello, and all that... ha... bwahahaha..."

"Are you okay, Link?" Rob asked, his eyes zooming in in concern. "According to my voice sensors, you sound 66% more untrustworthy than usual..."

"Oh, I... I'm just coming down with a cold... bwaha..." Link said, casually reaching into a pocket of his tunic and pulling out a small piece of candy. Looking closer, Rob recognized it as a lump of what seemed to be laffy taffy.

"Is that laffy taffy?" Rob asked, eyes zooming in on the candy.

"Oh... yeah... laffy taffy... that's what it is, alright!" Link said quickly, taking a bite of it. "Green apple flavor- want some?"

"Oh... no, thank you," Rob said, shaking his head. "I prefer cherry, thank you very much."

"Then quit holding me up!" Link said before quickly spinning around and rushing down the hall, leaving Rob to scratch his head (metaphorically.)

"What is up with him? Pardon my English..." Rob wondered out loud before turning and beginning to move in the opposite direction.

XXXX

Mario wasn't sleeping well- he was twisting and turning in his sleep, having a strange dream where Ness took a baseball bat to the Sky Runner, a flying vehicle built into a tall blue phone box by Rusl Faron. Suddenly, the Flaaghra came out of nowhere and threw a large pot of cottage cheese at said baseball-bat-wielding boy, causing the two of them to get into a melee where Ness primarily attacked by shooting psychedelic diamonds at the Flaaghra, while the Flaaghra attacked with the scythes that served as its arms. Suddenly, an elderly gentleman in a top hat and carrying an old-fashioned camera came spinning down out of the sky and demanded that they both pose for a photo, and snapped a picture as a strange man wearing a bow tie and waving a screwdriver around stole the Sky Runner and flew away.

He was trying to put all these puzzle pieces together when he found himself being shaken roughly awake. "Whazzamattagonnan?" he muttered, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Looking around, he saw Link standing over his bed. "L-Link?" he asked, stretching widely. "What's going on? It's the middle... of... the night..." Even as he spoke, his eyes drooped closed and he began breathing deeply again, until Link shook him violently awake.

"Come on, wake up, wake up!" Link muttered roughly. "I've got big news!"

"Congratulations..." Mario muttered. "You've found an instant revitalizing device, and no longer have to sleep. Unfortunately, everyone else does, so if you could just-"

"Not that," Link said impatiently. "I've seen Roy Alluvia!"

"You what?" Mario asked flatly, suddenly wide awake. "You mean here, in the Mansion?"

"No, somewhere in Texas- _of course, _here in the Mansion!" Link said, crossing his arms and tapping his foot. "Come on, we've got to go and catch him!"

"Or... just a thought here... we could just go to the Master Hand and let him know."

"Oh, come on, since when have we ever done that?"

"Well, we would have done it the last two years if he'd been available..."

"Come on, he's going to get away!"

And before Mario could object again, Link had left the hospital wing. Mario, not about to let his friend face such a threat alone, jumped out as well, grabbed a bathrobe, and followed him out into the hallway.

XXXX

As it turned out, Link had moved a little faster than Mario had anticipated- by the time he'd gotten to the hallway, Link had already gone down a couple floors. As he ran after him, taking the best route he knew, he heard a taunting, singsong voice, accompanied by another voice shouting abuse at the previous voice, like so:

"Faron, Faron, are you going to cry?" sang the taunting voice. "You're starting to panic, I think I know why!"

"Oh, leave me alone, you dang moron!" shouted Link's voice, sounding very much unlike Link.

"Your secret's not safe now, Boo's in on the joke!" cackled the other voice. "And he's eager to see your plans up in smoke!"

At this point, Mario entered the hall that both voices were coming from- sure enough, the voices were the Boo and Link. The Boo was flying around throwing vases at Link, who seemed to be fastened to the floor by some strange goo. Turning as Mario entered the hallway, Link, looking furious, pointed up at the Boo and yelled, "Get him!"

Mario was confused- since when did Link act like that- but, then again, the Boo did have a way of getting on one's nerves.

"Faron, Faron, you've made a mistake, but Boo's having fun, this really is great!"

Mario sighed, hand covering his face. Case in point.

"What are you waiting for?" Link shouted angrily. "Get him!"

"Faron, Faron, you'll never break free, and little Mr. Mario will never catch me!"

Mario, having had enough of that song, snapped and threw a fireball at the ghost, who cackled and dodged to the side. "Faron, Faron, what can you do? Caught in the middle of-"

Before he could finish this verse, Mario actually succeeded in smacking the spirit with a fireball. The ghost froze in the air, struggling to reach his face with his short little arms, and slowly turning to Mario. "You- you... you've fired me!"

"Go home, Boo, just go home."

The Boo's eyes lit up wickedly. "Well, maybe you won't be so confident when I tell you-"

"Shut up," Mario said, throwing another fireball. "I got woken up in the middle of the night for this quicky, I'm not in the mood!"

The Boo, sputtering with rage, shrunk away from the fire and shot away down the hall, still muttering mixed yells and oaths.

"_Dang, _that song was annoying," Mario grumbled. Turning towards Link, he said, "Look, Link, about Roy-"

Link cut him off by saying, "He's in the dungeons, come on!" and, the goo mysteriously vanishing with the Boo, he strode off down the hall once more. Mario shook his head, but reluctantly followed.

XXXX

And so it came to be that, as the two made their way into the dungeons, Mario tried again. "Look, Link, why don't we just go to the Master Hand?"

"Because by then it will be too late!" Link hissed back. "Now, look over there! In the corner! He's over there!"

"Oh, boy," Mario muttered, looking up in the corner of the chamber they were in. He strained his eyes, but it seemed that, aside from them, the room was entirely empty. "There's no one there, Link."

"Look closer!"

Mario sighed, standing and moving into the middle of the room. "There's nothing-" suddenly, he cut himself off as something caught his eye. In the corner of the room... it wasn't human, but he could see some sort of dark shape on the ground... he moved a little closer, raising his hand and summoning some fire so he could see. It was a large hole in the ground, like the floor had been broken through to reveal a secret room beneath the room they were in. "Is this where you saw-" he started to say, only to feel a pair of hands on his back suddenly push him forward. He stumbled, briefly struggling to maintain his balance, and then fell forward into the pit. He gave a grunt as the wind was knocked out of him, and turned to see Link cackling evilly over him.

"Hahahaha! You fell for it! What a moron! What a fail!" he laughed wildly.

Mario shook his head, trying to clear out the haziness that the sheer earliness of the day had left in him. Looking closer, he saw Link suddenly start transforming, growing a snout and large teeth, horns growing from his head...

Finally, Bowser Dragmire stood at the top of the hole, grinning down at him. "Bowser?" Mario asked, trying to shake of his confusion. "How the heck-"

"Transformo-candy!" Bowser laughed, throwing down a piece of the laffy-taffy-like substance he'd been chewing earlier. "I guess we're even now!"

"Wait, how did you even know about that?" Mario asked, bemused. It was true, he and Link had used transformo-candy to trick Bowser the previous year, but Bowser shouldn't know about that...

"Doesn't matter," Bowser said, laughing.

"And for that matter, how did you make this stuff anyways? It's so complicated _Zelda _had trouble with it, let alone making it yourself-"

"Shut up, my plan is perfect!" Bowser cut him off, his eyes temporarily blazing.

"Oh, come on, now that I think about it, your act was terrible!" Mario shouted back. "You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to- oh, yeah. That's why."

"You see, I thought everything through!" Bowser cackled. "And before I go, I guess I should mention... I saw Roy Alluvia dragging you off into the night!"

"...The _heck _does that mean?" Mario asked, an eyebrow raising. "I mean, I'm clearly just sitting right here, Roy's not even anywhere near me..."

"It's a great line, shut up!" Bowser shouted, before returning to his calm demeanor. "Now, to make my awesome exit! Good night, Mar-"

He was cut off as a piece of flat metal struck him over the head, and he collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Behind him was none other than the real Link Faron, holding his sword like a baseball bat. "You're lucky I'm good with a sword, Dragmire," Link snarled. "I might have accidentally cut you..."

"You the real Link?" Mario called up from the hole.

"Yeah."

"Prove it."

Link froze for a moment, then sighed and said, "Do you have bread?"

Mario's lip curled upwards slightly before he said, "Alright, I believe you. But how did you know the two of us were down here?"

"The Boo told me!" Link called back. "He couldn't wait to bust Bowser after what happened in the hall!"

Mario stared for a moment, but shook it off and said, "Whatever. Now, throw me a-" he was cut off as Link simply jumped down into the hole with him.

"You say something, Mario?" Link asked.

Mario simply stared at him. "You realize you could have just thrown me a rope or something, right?"

"Yeah, but this chapter's based off the game, and there wouldn't be a level if I did that, would there?"

Mario shook his head. "Whatever. So, _now_ how are we going to get out of here?"

"Relax, I'm a Faron, remember? Finding hidden passageways runs in the family!"

"If you say so..."

Mario watched as Link approached the far end of the hole and ran a hand over part of the wall. The part of the wall he touched suddenly spun around like a revolving door, causing Link to faceplant on the other side. His eyes half-closed, Mario followed after him. "Brilliant find, there, Link," he muttered.

"Not my best, trust me," Link muttered, brushing himself off as he stood up again.

Suddenly, the two of them heard weird screeching noises and turned to see a staircase leading downwards covered with strange goblin-like creatures. "Oh, good," Mario muttered. "We're just having so much fun tonight that some wels felt the need to join in, too."

A great battle ensued, so epic that we'll just cut ahead to when the two had fought their way to the bottom of the stairs and into another long room with a tree growing at the opposite end. They quickly shut the door and barred it, keeping the rest of the wels away.

"You know, for having their names in the chapter title, they didn't really have much to do," Link commented.

"I'm not all that worried about it, to be honest," Mario muttered. "Anyways, what are we supposed to do in here?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"You got us into this mess, Mr. Video Game Expert!"

"Well... I guess that's true..." Link followed the hall up to the tree. It was completely bare of leaves, but had some strong limbs. "Hmmm... I've got it! You're supposed to call Parakarry here!"

"Call Parakarry?" Mario repeated, completely deadpan. "You want me to call my albatross from the aviary- which, I should note, is one of the highest floor in the mansion- down to the basement?"

"Yep!" Link said cheerfully.

Mario would have gone on muttering, but instead, he reluctantly approached the tree, but his hand to his mouth, and called out, "Parakarry!"

Almost instantly, the albatross came swooping down through a hole in the ceiling, and perched on one of the tree's branches, looking down expectantly.

"Wow, that actually worked!" Mario noted in surprise.

"Here, feed him this!" Link said, handing over an albatross treat.

"Where did you even get this?"

"I found it behind a fake brick in the wall."

Mario opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds before shaking his head and turning to give the treat to Parakarry, who grabbed it with his beak, ate it, and flew up through the hole again.

"So, what now?" Mario wondered.

"Oh, now we have to wait for him to get Zelda."

"Zelda?"

"Yep."

"So we have to fight our way back through the wels to get to the hole, and Zelda will throw us a rope?"

"No, of course not, that would be ridiculous!" Link said, his eyes wide. "No, she's going to fight _her _way through the wels, and we're going to raise a gate just high enough for her to get through, she'll go through, find a new spell that will let her raise the gate for us, too, and then we'll have a gigantic battle against all sorts of monsters like wels, koopas, and gnosis to make our way back up into the main dungeons!"

Mario stared. Finally, he said, "I _really _think it would be more efficient to just have her throw us a rope."

But before they could do anything else, the doors opened up again and Zelda came rushing through, barring it behind her. "Dang wels," she muttered. "Who keeps an army of wels in a mansion anyways?"

"Hey, Zelda, you're here!" Link said happily. "Now to get on with the rest of the level!"

"Zelda, come on, I think something's wrong with Link tonight, but why didn't _you _think to just throw down a rope or something?"

"Hey, _I _didn't know what the problem was," Zelda said, raising her hands. "I just woke up to Parakarry over my bed, and he led me down to the hole!"

"That was fast," Mario noted, "but couldn't you have at least lowered a rope or something before jumping in the hole?"

"Quit living in the past, Mario," Zelda brushed him off. "Anyways, let's get to the rest of the level!"

XXXX

And so it came to be that the rest of the prediction came true, with the three solving all sorts of puzzles and fighting all sorts of monsters to get back up to the mansion proper. Finally, they emerged in the foyer, panting. "Who... the heck... designed this place?" Mario gasped.

"Chuggaaconroy, NintendoCapriSun, Josh Jepson, and Proton Jon, weren't you paying attention last story?" Zelda reminded him.

"Whatever, I'm going back up to the hospital wing to get some sleep," Mario muttered.

"Oh, no!" Zelda suddenly cried out, causing Mario to spin around on the staircase.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I just remembered that we don't have any Red Essence for power-ups class tomorrow!"

"Seriously?" Mario asked, bewildered. "_That's _what you're worried about? Has everybody else in the mansion lost their minds?"

"Oh, don't worry, I grabbed some off of Bowser when I knocked him out," Link said, producing some red liquid in a beaker from a pouch around his waist. "Probably from when he was making the transformo-candy..."

There were so many things Mario could have commented on here that he almost passed out. Finally, he rubbed his forehead, muttering, "Whatever. You know what? I'm just going back to bed. My dreams make more sense than what's going on out here." And with that, he headed back up, resolving along the way to barricade himself in the Nintendo hub next time a random quicky came up.

_XXXX_

This turned out to be not that quick of a random quicky. In terms of page length, it's almost as long as a main chapter. And yes, the levels in the Harry Potter games are incredibly random. You're exploring Hogwarts one moment, and the next you're suddenly in a big, Zelda-style dungeon, fighting all sorts of weird monsters that have no right to be there, solving weird puzzles, and... it's just... what? Not to mention all the points that the levels could be avoided altogether. I still like the games, mind- they're still fun to play- but I could resist poking fun and the sheer strangeness inherent in them once you actually sit down and think about what's actually going on. Anyways, next time is a real chapter, so... thanks for reading, please R&amp;R, (yay for redundancy!), constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	12. The Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion

Gamer4 in. A few interesting characters coming in this chapter, so let's dive right in! Me and my beloved dragon-ring! Yeah, I forgot to mention, my dad gave me a cool ring with dragons around it. I like dragons. Mmmm... dragons. Anyways, let's get right to it!

Disclaimer: This may crush some of your beliefs, but I did not invent the legend of dragons.

Chapter X

The Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion

As you may have guessed from the previous chapter, Mario was still in the hospital wing. Nurse Tessie insisted on keeping him there until she was 100% confident in his abilities to function outside. Mario could understand, to an extent- he _had _fallen roughly fifty feet, after all- but at the same time, it was somewhat agitating that she didn't listen to him at all when he tried to tell her that he felt just fine.

The biggest point of disagreement between the two, however, was not whether he was healthy or not, but what to do about the remains of his Flame Runner. Now, Mario knew it was stupid, but he simply couldn't bring himself to throw away the pipe that served as his only reminder of the old kart. He knew that an exhaust pipe wasn't exactly useful when the kart it had served had been reduced to mulch, but... he couldn't explain it... it had... bonded with his heart. Oh, I've got it, are you ready for the worst pun you'll ever hear? He had the heart of the karts!

...I'll leave now.

Anyways, if you haven't already broken whatever electronic device you're reading this on, (I hope that didn't prompt anyone to throw their cell phones across the room...) we'll just go ahead with the story.

Anyways, Mario was far from alone in his recovery. He had a steady stream of visitors, from the Crazy Hand, who showed up offering to grow some special crops for his recovery, (which Mario had politely declined, recalling what had happened the previous year with those crops,) to Captain Falcon, who was brought in by the rest of the Smash-Up team, who told him that he indeed didn't blame Mario at all. Sure enough, as he entered the hospital wing, he'd shown signs of having recently been crushed beneath a large pile of fruity, multicolored breakfast cereal. And, of course, Link and Zelda stayed by him throughout the entire weekend, doing all they could to reassure them, and while Mario appreciated it, don't get him wrong, they only knew part of what was eating him.

Another part was, of course, what would happen if another random quicky came up- he'd barely survived the last one- but the final thing was even more serious. The dreams that Bowser had woken him up from that night hadn't been the greatest dreams ever, putting it lightly. Aside from the ridiculous dream about Ness and the Flaaghra, they'd been some dark dreams about the night his story had begun... the night his parents had died...

After he'd awoken, he'd managed to piece it together. And now he knew. He knew whose scream he was hearing when the floows got too close to him, he knew _what _he was really hearing. Every time those abominations of nature drew near to him, he was being forced to relive the last moments of his mother, Sarah Mario, as she pleaded with the monster who'd invaded their house to spare her son, at least, and Tabuu's cold, merciless laughter as he grew those butterfly wings to strike her down...

XXXX

All things said, Mario was pretty glad when he finally got out of the hospital wing and could return to the main school. With all the students around, and the noise they created, it forced him to not dwell as much on his dreams, as opposed to the silence of the hospital wing. Though, of course, everything good had a price, and in this case, the price came through, loud and clear, with the name of 'Bowser Dragmire.'

Bowser was, putting it simply, ecstatic about Nintendo's defeat in the previous Smash-Up match. He seemed to be only very slightly put off about his failure in the previous chapter to trap Mario in the dungeons, but come Monday, his joy about the match returned, full force. He was so happy he even finally stopped his ridiculous charade about having been severely injured by Epona- he removed the bandages, and, having finally graduated from petty jokes about Mario fainting when confronted with the floow on the train, began making petty jokes about Mario crashing his kart and falling when he'd been confronted with the floows in the stadium, complete with more stupid impressions.

At least Mario had his friends backing him up when this all happened, even if it ultimately didn't actually help much. Link, for instance, got so agitated at Bowser's antics one power-ups class that he threw a large space pirate heart across the room, smacking Bowser in the face. Mario appreciated the gesture, but, unfortunately, Link's timing had been a little off, and he'd lost twenty points for Nintendo and received yet another detention. Needless to say, Link was in a really nasty mood afterwards.

As they approached their Protection from the Evils class, Link turned to Zelda. "Alright, Zelda, check in there and see who's teaching. If it's that stupid anthro again, I'm just going back to the hub."

Zelda, eyes rolling, opened the door and peered in. "Well, it's an anthro, alright..."

It was Link's turn to roll his eyes. "Fox anthro or wolf anthro?"

"Oh, it's a fox, don't worry."

Sure enough, Fox had returned at last. He'd apparently been sick, and, looking at him that day, Mario could certainly believe it. He looked very much the worse for wear as he looked around at them all, but he was smiling and looked glad to be back. As everyone gathered around, seeing that he was back, they all suddenly burst out with complaints about Wolf's teaching methods.

"I mean, come on, what the heck was that, going right to the back of the book, there's no way we'd be on werecreatures yet!" Link called out agitatedly.

"And then he gives us this gigantic essay to write on something we've never even heard of before? It's total bubkiss!" Diddy joined in.

"And they're not kidding!" Ness added. "When we say gigantic essay, we're talking fifteen pages!"

Over the general din, (unfortunate lack of Nayru or Farore,) Fox seemed to have only actually grasped a single word. "Werecreatures?" he asked, his eyebrows raising. "Didn't you tell him that we were set to get started on chimaeras?"

"We tried to, but he wouldn't listen," Zelda muttered bitterly.

"He didn't want to hear anything we had to say!" Lucas called out.

"_Fifteen freaking pages!" _Ness repeated.

Fox motioned for silence. "Okay, okay, I get the picture!" he called out. As the noise died down, he allowed himself a smile. "Well, I certainly wasn't planning on getting around to werecreatures for a while," he said. "I'll have a talk with Wolf. You don't have to do the essay."

While there was a general sigh of relief, there was a gasp from (you guessed it) Zelda, who quietly muttered, "Crud, I already finished it!"

"Yeah, so what, so did I," Link pointed out.

"You?" Zelda asked, eyeing him skeptically. "_You _finished the _fifteen-page _essay?"

"Well, it was more or less just fifteen pages of me verbally abusing Wolf, so it was actually probably the easiest essay I've ever written," Link shrugged.*

Zelda stared at him for a moment, then simply shook her head.

What followed was a very interesting class on chimaeras. Chimaeras, named after an ancient monster of Greek Mythology, were strange, bizarre creatures that were actually two separate animals fused into one. Apparently, they'd actually originated during a war many years ago, when the madman Porky Minch had made an army of them to fight his nemesis, none other than the Master Hand, but after the Master Hand had (inevitably) triumphed, the chimeras Porky had made had been free to run wild, and, yes, even to breed. Fox had even, as per usual, brought in a few specimens for them to examine. A few of Mario's favorites included the Slitherhen, a clever reference to the Harry Potter series that took the form of a snake with a chicken's head, the road hog, a gigantic boar with wheels instead of feet, the monkalrus, a gorilla with the head and tusks of a walrus, and the ostrelephant, an elephant head with ostrich feet, and a trunk that became the neck of an ostrich, culminating in an ostrich's head. They were truly bizarre. Link's least favorite, on the other hand, was the horsantula, a horse's head with eight legs sticking out from it like a spider, except they were horse's legs, even ending in hooves.**

Eventually, the bell rang, Fox assigned them some quick homework, and everyone was on their way out until Fox called out, "Mario, if you could stay back a second, please?"

So, Mario stayed behind as everyone filed out. Fox turned to him when they were alone at last. "So, Mario," he started. "I heard about what happened. The floows, and the Flaaghra. Is there any chance of fixing the kart?"

"No, there's just an exhaust pipe and scrap metal left," Mario said forlornly.

Fox shook his head lightly. "Ah, that Flaaghra," he muttered. "You know, they planted that thing the same year I started coming here. Everyone used to think it was great fun, trying to see how close they could get without getting sliced open by that thing's arms. You can imagine how that went, and eventually, it took official school rules to get people to stop. Flaaghras are truly vicious plants..."

"So," Mario muttered, "you heard about the floows, too, huh?"

"I did," Fox agreed. "Wretched creatures. I don't blame the Master Hand for how he reacted. And... they're the ones that caused your fall?"

"They are," Mario nodded. For a moment, he tried to hold back, but finally, he simply broke. "_Why?" _he asked. "Why do those things affect me like that- so much more than everybody else?"

Fox looked at him as though he understood all too well. "Floows," he explained, "are some of the most foul creatures ever to be born into this universe. Many consider them little more than demons. They are the personification of all our terrible experiences throughout our life, all our anger, all our fear, and, most of all, all of our sorrow. You're not weak, Mario. In fact, you've got it the other way around- they affect you most of all because there are terrors in your past that the others don't have. All the suffering you've gone through in the past is most certainly enough to knock any sane smasher off a kart."

Mario felt a stirring of rage in his chest. "Why did those... those... those _things _turn up at the match? And after the Master Hand told them not to?"

"The Master Hand's been keeping them back because they feed on emotion. The reason they leave us feeling lost, depressed and confused is because they take all the joy for themselves- they flourish on it. One would imagine that would be somewhat disruptive to the learning environment, but that Smash-Up match, with everyone pumped full of adrenaline, all those students and teachers rooting for their team- it was so much of a feast that they seem to have decided it was worth the risk."

Mario gazed at the tank that had previously held the gnosis. "Subspace must be terrible," he muttered.

"Subspace," Fox muttered. "Indeed. Far off in the ocean, there's a floating island, completely barren of any life. Prison Island, a floating rock full of high mountains and crags, and at the top, the fortress of Subspace, a desolate old building run by floows. Many call it nothing less than Hell on earth. There are cells, of course, but they're almost not necessary- not when most of the inmates have lost their minds within days of entering that accursed place."

"But Roy somehow managed to escape?"

"So it seems..."

Mario hesitated for a second. Finally, he spoke. "Mr. Mccloud... I'm scared."

Fox gave a light chuckle. "Well, I'd say you were an idiot if you weren't!"

Mario was turning something over in his mind. "You... you made that floow on the Great Fox back off, didn't you?"

Fox looked back at Mario, suddenly looking guarded. "I did..." he said. "Floows are very powerful creatures, but smashers possess certain... abilities within themselves that are powerful enough even to force those things to back off..."

"Can you teach me?" Mario asked eagerly.

Fox's eyes darted from side to side. "Well..." he said slowly, "it's very high-level smashing- most smashers wouldn't have a chance of learning until fifth year, at least- and even then, it would take quite a bit of effort... but, on the other hand, it _does _seem like the floows have taken an unhealthy interest in you..." he seemed like he was trying to talk himself into something. Finally, he said, "Alright, I'll teach you. But... well, sorry, but it'll have to wait until after Christmas. I've only recovered enough for a few classes, you see. I'm expected to have another relapse over the holidays..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario's mood took a definite upswing. Between Fox's promise to teach him how to fend off floows, improving weather, and the fact that Retro annihilated Hal in their Smash-Up match, placing Nintendo back in the running so long as they didn't lose another match, Mario was feeling much better. This was good, because Captain Falcon, perking up at the news that they still had a shot, was working his team harder than ever. Gone was the broken captain who'd tried to kill himself via breakfast deliciousness, and returned was the manic, victory-obsessed Falcon they all knew and loved. As for the floows, it seems that none of them dared come into the grounds anymore, not after what the Master Hand had done to them for coming to the match. Mario heard that the Master Hand had threatened to spank them if they tried such a stunt again- a threat that would make even the most hardened criminal tremble.

On top of all this, Christmas break was steadily drawing nearer. The rain was replaced with snow that began to gently fall around the mansion, the grounds covered with fluffy white powder. The various students began to celebrate their various holidays, from Christmas to Hanukkah to Kwanza and a bunch of other different holidays from every corner of the star-strewn universe. You think we have a lot of holiday traditions now? Imagine holiday traditions from every part of the Universe, and the Smash Mansion celebrated each and every one of them. Samus came around and took names of any students who would be staying at the Smash Mansion for the break, and Mario, as usual, signed up immediately. Just as the previous year, Link and Zelda signed up as well, and while they both offered up certain excuses, Mario knew the truth- they wanted to make sure he had somebody to be with for Christmas, and he was grateful.

He was all the more grateful, in fact, because as the break drew near, his mood took a downturn as a message was posted on the bulletin boards- another visit to Kurain was coming up, to celebrate the grandest of traditions- holiday shopping. While Link and Zelda made plans for the kinds of things they'd be buying in Kurain, Mario, resigned to being left behind, borrowed a catalogue of karts from the library (magazines were updated daily) and began browsing. He really needed a new kart- he'd been using one of the school's Standard Karts (so standard they didn't even get an interesting name), and it was probably the worst kart he'd ever used in his life. He definitely needed a new one by the time the next match rolled around.

This is what he was doing on the day of the Kurain trip- he'd said goodbye to his friends at the doors to the mansion, then returned to the library and continued browsing through catalogues. That was what he was doing, at least, until he heard a whisper. "Mario! Hey, Mario! Hey, hey, Mario!"

Mario looked up from the catalogue and turned to the shelf beside him. On the other side, he could see the eyes of a pink puffball looking through at him. "Kirby?" he asked, setting the catalogue aside. "What's going on?"

"Me and Meta stayed back a little- we've got a whopper of an early Christmas present for you!"

Curiosity aroused, Mario stood and made his way around the shelf to where Kirby and Meta awaited him. Meta was holding something behind his back with a wide grin on his face.

"So, what's this about?" Mario asked.

Kirby gave a cough, clearing his throat. "Dear Mr. Mario, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Faron's school of mischief-and-troublemaking! Please approach the vice-headmaster to receive your welcoming present!"

"Hey, I though _you _were the vice-headmaster!" Meta objected.

"Nope, totally you."

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You infinity."

"Gah!" Meta turned back towards Mario. "Alright, approach the _vice _headmaster..."

Mario, not entirely sure what he was in for, approached Meta. As he did, Kirby randomly pulled out a set of speakers playing _Pomp and Circumstance_. Mario finally got up to Meta, who used one hand to give a piece of paper to him, and used the other to shake his hand. As soon as they broke apart, Kirby put the speakers away. "Isn't that for _graduation_?" Mario asked.

"Meh, tradition, tradition, tradition," Kirby waved his criticism aside.

Mario shook his head and turned his attention to the paper. It was completely blank. "Uh... okay... are you two punking me again?"

"Us? Punk you? Never!" both twins chorused, random halos appearing over their heads. "No, no, no, no, this is the secret to our success!"

"This?" Mario asked, looking at it. "A piece of old paper that looks like it might be elephant skin?"

"Our greatest teacher!" Kirby objected. "We stole it from Mido way back in our first year, and it's definitely a better teacher than Tingle, King Dedede, and Wolf combined!"

"Oh, yeah, great achievement," Mario muttered. "But... what is it?"

"Meta, if you would kindly demonstrate?" Kirby asked, stepping back.

Meta stepped forward and laid one round hand on the paper. He spoke two simple words: "Don't panic!"

Suddenly, a series of words began to appear. _Disclaimer: _they said, _The Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion is the express property of the aforementioned Bombers. The password is the property of Douglas Adams, but the rest of this is ours, dangit! Anyways, moving along..._

_Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde_

_present to you..._

_(drumroll please...)_

_The Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion!_

As Mario read this, he looked up and held out a hand to stop Kirby, who had been creating a makeshift drumroll by beating his hands against his body. He then turned back to the paper and stared at it for a second: the words had disappeared, to be replaced with a large ink-image of the Smash Mansion. Meta motioned for Mario to return it to him, and he did, causing the three to gather around the paper as Meta began running his hands across the map. As he did, the image shifted according to what his hands did. He was dragging it around the paper, bringing it to where his hand was. He then placed both hands on the paper and drew them away from each other, prompting the image to 'zoom in,' giving them a better look at the mansion itself. It wasn't just an image- it was a map detailing every hallway, room, door, and passage in the mansion. Mario stared- it was incredible. Not only was everything detailed, but even trick doors and stairs were clearly labeled. On top of that, there were countless little red, green, blue, and yellow dots around it, and each of them was labeled with a name.

"Is this..." Mario gasped, looking at it.

"Yep!" The twins said cheerfully. "This shows everyone!"

"Everyone?"

"Everyone! Where they are-"

"-what they're doing-"

"-every minute-"

"-of every day!"

"This... this is..." Mario stammered out, staring at the magnificent paper.

"Some serious Orwell stuff, we know," Kirby agreed.

"But, hey, it's not like we'd ever _abuse _our power!" Meta said cheerfully. "Maybe a prank here or there, but nothing _too _major!"

Mario's finger, however, was drawn to the paper. Not quite touching it, to avoid changing the map, he traced several lines that seemed to be secret passageways. "And these..."

"Yep! Those lead to Kurain! There are quite a few, but only one of them's really an option- Mido knows about three of them, another's caved in, and the Flaaghra's planted right over the one on the grounds, but as far as we can tell, _this one-_" here, the twins pointed to a passageway not far from where they were, right in the library, "is completely in the clear!"

"Ah, good old Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde," Meta said, smiling nostalgically. "We owe them so much..."

"Anyways, we've got to run," the twins said. "Kurain to see, and all that."

"Oh, wait, Meta, we forgot!" Kirby said.

"Oh, right you are, Kirb!" Meta said. They both turned to him and said, in unison,

"When you're done, make sure you tap it and say, 'So long, and thanks for all the fish!' Otherwise, anyone can read it!"

With that, the two made a beeline out of the library, with Mario still staring at the miraculous paper. Could he really get around the floows with this?

Slowly, he made his way to the corner of the library, where the map showed the passage as being. He looked up- there was a bookshelf next to an old grandfather clock. He examined the clock more closely- it was strange, but while the clock was ticking, the hands didn't seem to be moving at all. Wondering what to do, he looked back at the map. Standing in front of the passage was a little red dot labeled _Mario Mario. _Mario, trying to look closer, zoomed in on the ink-images of the shelf and clock, searching for any differences from how they were in reality. Finally, he homed in on one- the clock in reality was set to 10:10, but the clock in the map was set to 3:33. It seemed like kind of a stretch, but he reached out and turned the hands around, resetting the time to 3:33. The moment the hands indicated this time, sure enough, the bookshelf suddenly slid into the floor, revealing a long, wooden passageway behind it. "Really? Behind a bookshelf?" Mario muttered. But, then again, this was his ticket to Kurain, so he wasn't complaining.

Moving slowly at first, and then faster, Mario began to make his way down the passage. Eventually, he came to a hole in the ground with a fireman's pole in the center. Only slightly foreboding. He grabbed onto the pole and allowed himself to slide down. And down. And down. Wow, it was going down quite a ways. Yep, he was still going down. And down. And down. And down. And more down.

Finally, he landed on the ground. Down here, there was no wood, only stone. Unable to see, he tucked the map into a pocket and snapped his fingers to bring up a handful of fire to see by. The tunnel only stretched out in one direction, so he didn't really need the map for this one. Glad of the fire to keep him warm in a very cold, stone hallway, he set off.

XXXX

It took a lot of walking before the path began to go up again, so, needless to say, by that time, Mario was extremely thankful. He began to climb. And climb. And climb. Finally, the upward slope was switched out for a set of stone stairs, which led to... more climbing. And climbing. And climbing.

Finally, Mario reached a stone wall. Running his hands over it, he seemed to just _happen_ to hit the exact spot- the wall pushed forward and slid to the side, revealing a room on the other side. Looking around carefully to make sure he didn't accidentally run into anyone, he entered. Behind him, the wall immediately slid back into place. Mario looked back and took a mental picture of the wall, so he'd know where to run his hands over on the return trip.

The other room had a very sweet smell. Mario thought back, trying to remember if either of the Faron twins had noted where this passage came out, but now that he thought about it, he didn't think they had. Just judging by the smell, he was guessing it was the candy shop...

Slowly, he began to climb a set of nearby stairs, heading up into the shop proper.

He stepped out into a very crowded room, full of several students from the Smash Mansion, along with people who happened to live in the village to begin with, along with various other tourists. He quietly shut the door behind him, ignoring the _Employees only _sign on it, and stepped out into the crowd. Now that he'd made it, he felt much more confident- the crowd was so great here that he didn't think there was the ghost of a chance of anyone actually recognizing him. Looking around, he set out into the shop.

This was, most definitely, a candy shop. Remembering a couple chapters earlier, he hazarded a guess that it was Toad's candy shop, the shop Link praised as having the greatest candy in the world. The employees all seemed to be toads, creatures dressed in a blue vest and white pants, but whose trademark feature was caps resembling the tops of mushrooms, white with red spots. Mario's eyes raked over all sorts of candy as he made his way through the shop. The place was- with no other words to describe it- fantastic, and he kept his eyes moving all around the shop until he suddenly saw a very familiar pair of blonds over at the edge of the shop, examining racks of... special candies.

"So, what do you think he'd like?" Link was wondering out loud, hand to his chin as he scanned the shelves. "Oh, hey, how about some every flavor star bits?"

"Not certain he'd be into that," Zelda replied, waving her hand dismissively. "Kind of a risky candy..."

"Oh, then how about we see if they've got any... grapes?"

Zelda turned to stare at Link with her eyes half-closed. "No, no, we're not getting any grapes."

"But you know what sounds good?" Mario asked, grinning evilly as he approached them. "It would make my day!" Link and Zelda froze as they heard his voice, and slowly turned towards him. "Do you think this store... do you think this store... do you think this store has any..."

"Lemonade?" both he and Link chanted, before bursting out in laughter.

"Really?" Zelda muttered, facepalming with both her hands at once. "Really, you two are going to double-team me on this one?" This only made Mario and Link laugh even harder. Finally, Link looked up, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Here's to the greatest song ever!" he laughed, placing his arm on Mario's shoulder. "But...uh... well, I think I'm speaking for Zelda, too, when I say this..."

"How did you get here?!" Zelda asked, staring at him. "I thought we already established there was no way!"

"Have I got a story for you two," Mario said, smirking.

"Well, if it's a particularly long story, how about we head off to the Colony 6 Neighborhood Grill and Bar?" Link suggested. "We were about to head there anyways, and as long as you're here, you've got to try their stuff!"

And so it came to be that the trio, talking happily, made their way out of the candy shop and across the street, to where there was a large building with a sign overhead announcing it as Link's chosen restaurant. The three entered and found some seats, and began to talk.

"So, spill it," Link said, putting his hands together on the table in front of him. "How'd you do it?"

"Well, I was just sitting there, thumbing through the classifieds in the Fourside Tribune, looking for a decent kart, when..."

And so it came to be that Mario filled them in on everything Kirby and Meta had told him. He even produced the map to demonstrate, wiping the paper clean and then summoning the map again.

"Those little weasels!" Link muttered. "They never told me about that thing! I mean, I'm only their dang _brother_!"

"The puffballs work in mysterious ways, I suppose," Mario shrugged before turning to Zelda. "So, what do you think?" he asked, a question prompted by the less-than-thrilled look on her face.

"Well..." Zelda said, looking down, "I think you should turn that thing in."

"Do what?" Mario and Link both asked simultaneously. "Are you kidding me? That thing's gotta be the greatest thing I've ever seen! He'd have to be crazy- I mean, insane- to throw it away!"

"It's helpful," Zelda agreed, "but that's the problem! Who's it helpful to?"

"I don't follow," Mario said.

Zelda looked him in the eye. "Imagine what could happen if Roy Alluvia got hold of that! Or even if he doesn't... what if he's using one of those passages to get into the mansion?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, Mido already knows about most of them," Mario said quickly.

"_Most _of them?" Zelda repeated, an eyebrow raising up.

"Well, yeah, and of the ones he doesn't know, one's caved in, another has the Flaaghra planted right over it, and he one I used..."

"Yes?" Zelda asked.

Mario nervously reached up and ran a finger along the fuzz forming on his upper lip. The truth was, he couldn't think of a counter for the passage in Toad's candy shop. However, Link came to his rescue.

"Oh, come on, Zelda," Link said, shaking his head. "Roy can't break into any of the shops at night- not only are all these businesses family-owned, those families live right over their shops, they'd hear a break-in!"

"Can we rely on that?"

Link shook his head. "I wasn't finished," he said. "Also, the Government is sending floows to search through Kurain every night! I know Roy got past them once, but something tells me he won't be so keen on trying to get through them again. And during the day, this whole village is full of smashers who are on the lookout for him- kind of hard for him to fight his way all the way to the passage, wouldn't you say?"

Zelda opened and closed her mouth a few times, clearly trying to think of a counterargument. However, before she could speak, a Hispanic-looking woman came over, a large rifle slung over her back. She had long, dark hair that came down to the middle of her back, and she wore a red bandana over her head. Looking at them, she spoke. "Ah, it's you two again. And who's your friend?"

"Sharla!" Link yelped, turning violently red.

"His name's Sharla?" the woman asked with a smirk. "Hm, interesting, same name as me!"

Zelda shook her head. "This is a friend of ours... um..." She cast her mind around. It wouldn't be particularly good if one of the teacher's found out about Mario. Finally, she said, "Al. Al E. Us."

"Huh. Well, nice to meet you, Al," Sharla smiled, reaching out and shaking his hand. "So, can I get your orders?"

Mario and Zelda, seeing that Link seemed to have been rendered temporarily mute, ordered them some soda to start with. Sharla nodded and walked off.

"Al?" Mario repeated, staring at Zelda. "Al E. freaking Us? _That's _the best fake name you could come up with?"

"I was under pressure!" Zelda objected. "What was I supposed to say? I mean, at least I didn't freeze up like _someone _did!"

They both turned towards Link, who was still pretty red. "So, who was that?" Mario asked.

"Sharla Black," Zelda said. "She owns the place, and... Well, you can guess what Link thinks about her."

"Yeah..." Mario said, staring at Link's still-inert face. Suddenly, his head snapped back to Zelda. "Wait a second- Sharla _Black_? Really?"

"Huh?" Zelda asked. Suddenly, she seemed to realize it, too. "Oh, no, no, no, no relation to _that _Black, a totally different Black!"

"How many fictional characters are there with the last name, Black?"

"Well, apparently one other, at least," Zelda said. "I don't know, apparently, it's Xenogears, or something."

The conversation was kept from getting any more awkward when Sharla returned with three tall glasses of soda for them, before asking them if they needed a little more time before picking some food.

"Well, let's see what we've got here," Mario thought out loud, looking at his soda. He'd ordered Mountain Dew, as usual, and as far as he could tell, it looked pretty much the same as any other Mountain Dew... until he took a drink of it. "Whoah!" he exclaimed. "This... this stuff is..."

"It's good, isn't it?" Link asked, finally speaking for the first time since Sharla had been over.

"This stuff... it puts even the Crazy Hand to shame!"

"Yeah, it's really-" Zelda started, but her eyes suddenly widened as she looked over Mario's shoulder. "Crud, get down!"

"Why-" Mario started, but Zelda cut him off with a quick exclamation of, "No time!" before shoving him down under the table.

From under the table, Mario heard the ringing bell that signified that the door to the restaurant was opening again. Looking, he saw several pairs of feet entering the shop- he recognized them all with a jolt of his heart: entering the bar was none other than Samus Aran and Pikachu. Between them was yet another smasher that caused Mario's hear to jump again- Olimar Tate, President of Smashing. And a spastic-sounding voice behind them signaled the arrival of the Crazy Hand as well. Mario huddled down under the table, doing his best to remain as inconspicuous as possible, while over him, Link and Zelda attempted to remain as casual as they could.

As they watched, Sharla stepped over to them and began taking their orders. "Alright, what will all of you have?" she asked them.

"I'll have a ginger ale," Samus said simply.

"Alright, and for the rest of you?"

"Mesies be goin after a Mountain Dew!" Crazy whooped.

"Pika Pika!" cheered Pikachu. This translated to, "A cherry 7-Up for me, please!"

"And I'd like some Dr. Pepper, if that's alright," Olimar said, raising his hand to his chin.

"I'll be right back," Sharla nodded. And, sure enough, it only took a minute or so for her to return with all the drinks. She quickly distributed them.

"Thank you very much," came Olimar's trembling voice. "What say you take a quick break and have a drink with us?"

"Oh, really?" Sharla asked. "Well, can't say I'd really turn that down. I'll just go get something for myself..."

Once more, she ducked out and returned with a glass of something else. She pulled up a chair and sat down with the others. "So," she asked, "I have to admit, Mr. President, I didn't expect to see you out here. What brings you here?"

"What else?" Olimar asked, sounding forlorn. "Roy Alluvia. Didn't you hear about what happened on Halloween?"

"I heard a rumor..."

"Well, Crazy, I'll say this for you," came Samus's voice. "If loose lips sink ships, you'd have the entire fleet at the bottom of the ocean!"

"Iz only be tellin' da Word on da Wind!" Crazy objected.

"The Word on the Wind?" Samus repeated exasperatedly. "No wonder everyone heard the rumor!"

Sharla intervened. "So... you think Roy's still out here?"

"Pretty certain," Olimar agreed.

"Well, it would be best if you could catch him soon," Sharla commented. "It's not exactly good for business when floows invade this village every night."

"Well, I don't particularly care for them either," Olimar muttered apologetically, "but they're the lesser of two evils, believe you me. As bad as they are, Roy Alluvia is much, much worse."

"I know," Sharla agreed, "but you know what? It's still kind of... unbelievable. That Roy went so wrong... If someone had told me, way back when, what Roy Alluvia was going out into the world to do, I'd say they were touched in the head."

"Well..." Olimar said quietly, "it actually... gets worse than that. As bad as what the public knows about Roy is, it goes much deeper- and gets worse and worse along the way."

"Worse? What could he have done that was worse? Killing all those people..."

"Well, you say you remember him, right?" Samus said, joining the conversation. "The way he was before he went bad? Back when you went to the Smash Bros.? Well, you'll remember who his best friend was, won't you?"

"Oh, of course!" Sharla said, giving a reminiscent laugh. "Those two were inseparable! If you were looking at one, chances were, the other was somewhere nearby! They were the biggest troublemakers of our year- good old Roy Alluvia and Jake Mario!"

Mario's jaw dropped to the floor- not saying much, considering how low he was crouching.

"Exactly," Samus nodded. "Those two were the leaders of that gang- I can't remember exactly what they called themselves. But you're right, a bigger pair of troublemakers, I don't think we've ever seen..."

"Mez not so sure 'bout dat," Crazy put in. "Dey might be livin' true dose to-too Faron twins."

"Chu, Pika-Pikachu!" (Translation: They were like brothers... only closer!)

"They shared a bond of trust that went beyond anything I think I've ever seen," Olimar continued. "It was quite beautiful, really. Nothing ever changed, either: when Jake got married, there was no one else who was going to be his best man. And then, when Mario was born, Jake wasted no time in naming Roy his godfather! Information, of course, that must be kept from Mario at all costs- you can imagine how he'd feel about that..."

"Because he was secretly a mole- a starman?" Sharla asked.

"Worse than that, unfortunately," Olimar muttered. "Everyone knows that You-Know-Who was after the Marios, towards the end, but what they might not know is that Jake and Sarah knew, also. There were spies on both sides, of course, and the Master Hand heard about You-Know-Who's plan almost as soon as he'd thought of it. He told them right away, and recommended they go into hiding immediately. He even came up with the best way to hide them- he advised them to utilize a Magicant defense."

"Magicant?" Sharla repeated blankly.

Pikachu stepped up to explain, and while we could repeat his exact words and then translate, we'll just go ahead and write out the translation directly. "A Magicant defense is a very complex bit of smashing, through which a building or tract of land is shifted into another dimension- Magicant. Once this has been done, the area in Magicant is sealed off forever, except for a single circumstance- as the area is shifted into Magicant, a single person is chosen- a secret-keeper, if you will, and unless that person tells somebody where that area is, nobody can enter it, or even find it- for all intents and purposes, for anybody not in on the secret, the area no longer exists. Naturally, once the Mario household had entered Magicant, You-Know-Who would never be able to get into the building, or even recognize where it was, even if he was looking directly at it!"

"I think I see where this is going," Sharla said. "Roy was the Marios' secret-keeper?"

"Who else?" Samus agreed. "Everyone thought Roy would die before he sold Jake out- according to the plan, he was going to put up a Magicant defense around his own house, with Jake as his secret-keeper- but, of course, that didn't work out..."

"We all knew there was a spy among us," Olimar rejoined the conversation. "You-Know-Who seemed a little too well informed about much of our movement. And, sure enough, only a few days after the Marios' house had gone into Magicant..."

"He told You-Know-Who?"

"Of course. We think he was tired of being a double-agent. You-Know-Who was dealing a heavy blow with the murder of the Marios, and we think Roy intended for that to be the moment he finally showed his true colors. But... well, things didn't exactly go according to plan. You-Know-Who met his end in baby Mario, leaving Roy exposed, so to speak."

"Yeah, I'd say that was a nasty shock to him," Sharla noted. "And that's when you came down on him, right? Caught him and brought him into Subspace?"

"I wish," Olimar said forlornly. "It wasn't the Government that got to Roy first- it was another smasher- that poor Louie Garfield."

"Wasn't he one of those boys that was always following Jake and Roy around?" Sharla noted. "Louie, and that other guy... what was his name? Mumtin? Mumkhaten? Something like that?"

"He was one of them, yes," Samus said, shaking her head. "Those two worshiped the ground Roy and Jake walked on. Never quite as skilled as they were, unfortunately- otherwise, maybe they'd..." her voice broke.

"Well, if there's one thing I can say, it's that they died heroes' deaths," Olimar noted. "There were a number of muggles in the street that saw Louie confront Roy. He was sobbing, he didn't understand why he'd done something so terrible, he asked Roy why he'd done it, he just wanted to understand... and..."

"Roy killed them?"

"'Kill' doesn't cover it," Olimar noted sadly. "He _destroyed _them. Of both of those poor smashers, all that was left was one of Louie's fingers. It was terrible... I still get nightmares... it took twenty smashers from the government to finally bring Roy in. The only comfort we could offer was to deliver a medal of honor to Louie's poor family, and Roy's been in Subspace ever since."

"Good riddance," Sharla spat. After another moment, she spoke again. "Is it true that he lost it in there?"

"One would think, after thirteen years of close contact with floows," Olimar said, "but... well, looking back on the very first chapter, it's really... disturbing. I was inspecting Subspace, and he seemed... just fine. Completely normal. It's not like the floows leave him alone, either- he's a maximum security prisoner. They _never _leave him alone, but there he was, calmly just leaning against the cell wall. Asked me for the paper, and he was pretty rational about taking it and flipping through, even started doing the crossword."

"So, why'd he break out?" Sharla asked. "Do you think... do you think he's trying to find You-Know-Who?"

"Who knows," Olimar shook his head. "If he is, that puts even more pressure on me to find him. My term as president ends this summer- I think the last thing I'll be doing as president is refereeing the Smash-Up Grand Prix. I don't want to go out as the President who let Roy Alluvia walk free..."

Suddenly, Samus gasped. "Oh, crud, Mr. President! You're dining with the Master Hand soon, aren't you?"

"Oh, right, so I am!" Olimar said. Both he and Samus suddenly stood up and rushed out the door. Crazy seemed to finish his soda with a small burp, and with a quick farewell, he followed them out. Pikachu, meanwhile, took one last drink, then hopped down, thanked Sharla for the soda, and left.

Sharla stared after them for a while, then rose and turned to their table. "Hey, where's Al?" she asked of Link and Zelda.

Mario slowly rose from beneath the table, startling everyone there- Sharla, Link, and Zelda alike- with the look on his face.

_XXXX_

*Inspired by a real-life story involving my Personal Relations substitute teacher setting my class a fifteen-page essay on our results from online _personality surveys. _Ridiculous, I know, and that's what my entire essay was about- the ridiculousness of the assignment. Luckily, I never actually had to hand it in because the actual teacher agreed with me.

**Three guesses what game series I've been playing lately. The first two don't count.

Kind of a dramatic chapter. Hope there were a few reveals in there for you. Also, no, I'm not a bomber, that group name is from Majora's Mask. Anyways, see you next time for another Smash Bros. Christmas! In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	13. Random Quicky: Dear Mario

Gamer4 in! And, as you may have guessed, we have something of a Christmas special here! I wasn't actually planning on putting up another random quicky so soon, but everything was just too perfect- we're coming up on the Christmas season just as the characters in the story are coming up on Christmas as well, so what better time? This chapter's not likely to be very long, it's just a random scene that I thought of the other day, and just had to write down. Very much on the 'quick' end of the 'random quicky' spectrum. Anything else? Well, today's chapter might be a little serious for my standards- we're going to be a little light on the jokes today. Anyways, let's dive in, shall we?

Disclaimer: Oh, real quick, as a sidenote- this chapter is intended to be read purely by those who are fully aware of the twists of the original story. So, if you don't want spoilers for the plot of a book that's fifteen years old by now, and which you've probably read and/or seen the movie of more than once, you should probably just skip this chapter.

Random Quicky

Dear Mario

_Four months earlier..._

_A man with red hair, dressed in blue armor and a cape made his way up the hill to the town of Gem Heights. He had many fond memories of this town, and, despite the coldness of the day, the memories stayed in him like a talisman, keeping him warm, as they had been for thirteen years..._

_He had a mission to complete, but he had a stop to make first. The place he hadn't seen since that fateful night. So intent was he on his goal that he completely ignored all the strange looks he was getting, dressed as he was. _

_Finally, he came upon his goal- an old house sitting among all the others. It was old and falling apart, having received no repairs since the disaster that struck it all those years ago. It very much resembled a house torn down by a fire. Slowly, he made his way towards it and stepped across the threshold. _

_There wasn't much left of the old house- it was probably risky enough to be in the old building, without going too deep into it. His eyes raked around the insides, remembering it as it had been just before he'd left. Tears welled in the corner of his eyes, but he brushed them aside. As he did, his eyes fell on an old chest of drawers sitting in what had formerly been the living room. _

_He made his way in, walking carefully, and, hand trembling, reached out to pull the drawer open. Inside was a small stack of paper. Recognizing the handwriting, his hands shaking more than ever, he reached out and pulled the papers out, handling them gently. He didn't know how the people who'd cleared the house out had missed these, but he wasn't going to complain._

_Examining them, he recognized them as a set of letters. Looking closer, he began to read. _

_Dear Mario,_

_You don't know me yet- well, you're not exactly old enough to know anybody yet. You were just born today, after all. I don't feel the need to introduce myself- by the time you _do _read this, you'll know who I am anyways. _

_Yes, this is from the day you were born. I consider myself to be extremely lucky for being one of the few that got to witness this momentous occasion. Me and Jake- your father- got called into the hospital as soon as your mother felt you coming, and we wasted no time in rushing over. Finally, the healers came out with this ugly loaf in blankets, looking out at the world with blue eyes that he'd borrowed from his mother. I remember your eyes looking around so fast that they were almost blurred. You were so eager to take in the whole world, to see everything it had to offer. Your parents were so proud. _

_So, you're wondering why I'm writing this? Well, your mother thought it would be nice if everyone started keeping a little log of letters to you until you're old enough to read them. And, of course, if your mother thinks something is a good idea, it pretty much means Jake and I think so, too. I told her it wasn't a good idea, really, I tried to put her off. I'm not much of a wordsmith- as you can tell- but she wouldn't hear of it. She said I could throw anything down on this paper I wanted, it would still be special. Well, we'll leave that verdict up to you, shall we?_

_Your Loving Godfather,_

_Roy Alluvia_

XXXX

_Dear Mario,_

_It was your first Halloween yesterday. I didn't really see what was special- your parents and I just sat in the living room watching some cheap old Halloween specials, after all. Well, I suppose you were there, too, but you just kind of sat there, slack-jawed and not even focused the whole time. But, your parents thought it was special enough for us to write another few letters to you, so here I am. _

_You've grown quite a bit since I last wrote to you- only a few months out in the world and you've already got this thick head of hair. Your parents are willing to bet you'll be the first student of your year to grow a moustache. I chipped in, saying that moustaches are overrated, but your father sure didn't think so- he's got a nice big one, himself. _

_Things are getting a little... complicated nowadays. You aren't old enough to understand, yet, but there are some bad people doing some very bad things. Me and your parents are part of a group trying to stop them, but things are getting pretty... heated. But we've got one of the greatest smashers in the world on our side- he's a good man. Or hand, rather. I'm certain that victory is only a little bit away, and when we're done, maybe things can wind down a bit, and we can actually go out as a family every now and again- your father doesn't do well when he's cooped up all the time. Here's looking forward to the day we can take you to Disneyland or something, huh? You certainly seem to like Mickey Mouse enough. _

_Your Godfather,_

_Roy Alluvia_

XXXX

_Dear Mario,_

_It's Christmastime. I'm looking across the room at you as I write this, and it's funny. I don't know exactly how to say it. You're just... so excited. Even though it's your first Christmas, you just seem to _know _something special is coming up. It's funny that, despite all the things they disagree on, just about every religion and culture around the Universe seems to agree that there's something special about this time of year. They don't disagree on how to celebrate it, of course, but it seems like everyone just senses something _special _going on when the snow starts coming down. _

_Ah, snow. It's your first snow, today. That's why me and your parents are writing yet more letters. I'm starting to wonder when the heck you're going to find time to read all these dang letters. But, then again, it _is _your first snowfall, and your first Christmas is right around the corner. Not to boast, but I think my present will be a nice addition to your first Christmas morning. Me and Jake are always talking about how you'll be a great Smash-Up player when you get older. Who knows, maybe I'll even stop by a couple of your matches?_

_As far as those bad people I was talking about before, things are getting really tight. We have to stay inside more often than before, and you can imagine how your father feels about that. We're still looking forward to the day we can finally walk free and live like a normal family again. Well, as normal as smasher families get, at least. _

_Wishing you a very Happy Christmas,_

_Your Loving Godfather,_

_Roy_

XXXX

Present Day

Roy was looking over the letters once more. From the outside, he could hear the hustle and bustle of the nearby Kurain Village. He didn't worry about anyone finding him- no one came in here, not anymore. If he was careful, he could even head out into the village to pick up certain items.

Suddenly, he looked up as he heard a mewling at the door. Opening it very slowly, he smiled as his one real visitor entered. The small cat entered and looked up at him plaintively. "You want something?" Roy asked.

The cat flicked his tail towards the outside. Looking out, Roy saw... Kurain. Nothing special. "What of it?"

The cat rolled his eyes. Roy mentally added that one to his resume`: getting eyerolled by a cat. The cat stepped outside again and batted at the snow on the ground. Roy stared for a moment. "Ah, I see," he finally said. "It's _that_ time of year, is that what you're saying?"

A nod.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm not exactly ideally placed to be going around, handing out presents."

The cat stepped to the side, then stepped back in, dragging a book of some sort in with his teeth. Roy bent down and picked it up. Smiling, he said, "Ah, I get what you're driving at." Setting it aside, he said, "Well, it might be tricky, but I'll see what I can do..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that, on Christmas Eve, Roy found himself sneaking into the Smash Mansion once more. He'd made sure to sneak in on the right day, even filching a calendarto ensure he got it right. He had three items on his person.

This time, he had everything planned out. He slowly made his way up through the mansion, heading directly to Nintendo's hub. When he got there, he blinked in surprise. "Where's the other guardian?" he asked, looking at the new painting there.

Instead of Rosalina, the picture now depicted a young green warrior sitting in a chair next to a young pirate girl, both of whom resembled Saturday-morning cartoons. They both looked like they'd been celebrating Christmas pretty hard

"Hey, man!" the male cartoon said, waving and chuckling, certainly sounding very tipsy. "Wassup?"

"I need to get into the hub."

"Yaddo?" the cartoon warrior responded, laughing like it was the funniest thing he'd heard all day. "Well, ya got da password?"

Roy froze. "Um... 'Hang the mistletoe, full speed ahead?'"

He was just pulling random words up, but miraculously, the cartoon warrior said, "You got it! Come on in, man!"

Roy, wondering vaguely whether that was actually the password or if the toon was just too drunk to tell the difference, stepped through.

On the other side, he spent a few moments looking around the hub as he crossed it to the staircase that led up to the boy's dorms. He ascended it, and finally, entered into the room marked, 'Third Years.'

There were five beds around the room, but he made his way towards the one opposite the door. Looking down at the bed, he could see a young man with black hair sawing logs. He had a layer of darkening fuzz across his upper lip, and a scar across his forehead in the shape of a red M. Slowly, Roy stepped back and reached towards the knife he was carrying with him...

And moved right past it, grabbing instead at a small package. He laid it at the foot of Mario's bed, then turned around and left.

XXXX

Back in the old house in Kurain, Roy found himself writing one final letter.

_Dear Mario..._

_It's been years since I've written one of these letters, and now I doubt you'll ever read any of them. The bad people lost- except for one, at least. You still don't know me- or if you do, you only know me as the monster the rest of the world knows me as- and for that, I admit that I have only myself to blame._

_It's your thirteenth Christmas, I suppose. I can't pretend to know what the last years of your life have been like. I hope that, whatever your new guardians are like, they treat you as well as you deserve. I only wish that I could have stood by you as you first entered the Smash Mansion. But, unfortunately, things didn't work out like that._

_The snow is beautiful out here. I have a mission I need to fulfil, and I'm afraid that, once I do it, they still won't let me see you ever again. You might never know the truth about what happened, all those years ago. But if you're happier that way, then I'm willing to remain the villain you undoubtedly still think I am. _

_I just delivered my first present to you in thirteen years. Kind of a larger version of what I sent you all that time ago. I know it can't make up for all that I've done, and intend to do, but it's hopefully at least a start. I'd like to give you so much more, but for now, it's all I can do._

_Merry Christmas, Mario Mario._

_Your Loving Godfather,_

_Roy Alluvia._

He looked up as he heard some scratching at the door. Once again, he opened it to see the cat looking plaintively up at him.

"Hey," Roy said. "You come to keep me some company?"

The cat nodded. Roy smiled slightly, sitting back down in a nearby chair. The cat leapt up and began rubbing its head against his chin. Smiling, he reached down and began stroking the cat gently. "Thank you," he muttered quietly. At least, despite everything else, he was, for the first time in a while, not alone for Christmas.

_XXXX_

And thus ends the next random quicky. Actually an entirely different ending from what I had planned, but hey, what you gonna do? Maybe not all that Christmas-themed either. Anyways, I'm going away on a Christmas vacation, so It'll probably be a bit before the next chapter is up. Best case scenario, it'll be up the day after Christmas, but I can't guarantee that. Worst case scenario, it'll be 2015 by the time I update next, and I'll have already downloaded and played through Mother 4. (Yeah, that game got delayed again. But hey, at least it's right around the corner!) Middle-case scenario, it'll be 2015, but pretty early on in the year. Either way, it'll be a couple weeks. So, until then, keep those you love close, and have yourselves some merry little Christmases! Or Hanukkahs! Or Kwanzas! Or anything else you happen to celebrate! Just have yourselves some happy holidays. Until next time, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism will be like a present underneath my tree, flames would be more like coal in my socks (an impressive achievement in that I don't wear socks...) and... Gamer4 out.


	14. The Wild Wing

Gamer4 in, and hot _dang, _is it good to be back! I like vacation all well and good, but really, when they said in the Wizard of Oz that there's no place like home, they weren't just whistling dixie! Anyways, it's great to be back to writing, so let's just dive right in!

Disclaimer: I am the proud owner of a brand new bag of Twix!

Chapter XI

The Wild Wing

Dinner that night was pretty tense, especially considering that it was the last dinner before Christmas break. Link and Zelda kept throwing nervous looks at Mario, who had a very dirty look on his face, currently being directed at his usual favorite meal of spaghetti. While they didn't attempt to speak with him, due to Rob being very nearby, they knew, for a change, exactly what was wrong with him.

Mario was in shock. It felt like a large piece of the puzzle had suddenly clunked into place, and he really didn't like the picture it made. Even when he'd known about Roy being after him, it always seemed like they were keeping something else from him...

He remembered back when he'd been talking with Rusl, all the way back at Platform Q. Well, now he knew what he'd been trying to tell him just before the ship took off. But why hadn't anyone else tried to tell him? Samus, Crazy, Olimar, _anyone, _why hadn't they bothered to tell him the truth about Roy- that he'd been his father's best friend, then stabbed him in the back in favor of the most evil smasher of all time?

When the three of them headed back up to the hub, it was to find that Kirby and Meta Knight, as they tended to, had lit off several of their favorite Andonuts-brand bottle rockets to celebrate the upcoming winter break. Mario wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, and thusly used the chaos ensuing from this to sneak up to the dorm.

Once he was up, he rushed to the large case containing most of his belongings. He began quickly digging through, moving aside several books and other random objects, until he got to the very bottom. He was seeking an item he hadn't even thought about, much less looked at, since the very first story. Well, he'd spent the first couple seconds of the film examining it in the second _movie, _but still. Finally, he pulled out a large book and began flicking through it. This book was special- it had been given to him by the Crazy Hand at the end of his first year as sort of a 'happy end-of-your-first-story' present. The old hand had gone around to all his parents' old friends, collecting photos of the two from back when they were alive.

It didn't take long for Mario to find the particular picture he was looking for: this one was of his parents on their wedding day. There was his father, Jake Mario, with a large black moustache and messy black hair that had randomly turned ginger for one chapter back in _Hylian Stone. _He had pale green eyes and was dressed in a sharp tuxedo. At his side was his mother, Sarah Mario, with her dirty blond hair and deep blue eyes, dressed in white. And at Jake's side... yes, that had to be him...

If Mario hadn't known that it was Roy, he wouldn't have made the connection. The pictures from the paper showed a deranged man likely to swipe at a portrait with a rake at the slightest provocation, but this man was young, handsome, and, by smasher standards at least, seemed pretty sane. He was dressed in blue armor, including a blue cape that seemed to be orange on the reverse side. His hair was a messy mop on his head, colored a deep shade of red, and beneath it was a blue headband. At his side he carried a longsword, presumably his power controller. He looked just as happy as his friends that were at the altar, ready to get married.

Mario stared at him for a while. This man was the reason he'd been condemned to live with the Smiths for thirteen years and counting. He was the reason Tabuu had known where to find his parents, and kill them for his own inscrutable reasons. Usually, Mario found looking at pictures of people with hardships ahead of them somewhat difficult, looking at faces perfectly happy, not knowing of the horrors that awaited them. But for this one, he reveled in it. There wasn't the slightest inkling on Roy's face of the thirteen years of virtual Hell on earth that awaited him...

But then something occurred to Mario. Words from the conversation he'd overheard came back to him. The floows didn't affect Roy the same way they affected the other prisoners. It was still something of a punishment, of course, having to stay in the same cell for all that time, but it wasn't a punishment in the way it was meant to be. That... that traitorous _scum _would never have to hear the voices of Jake and Sarah Mario screaming as death came for them, as they realized they'd placed their faith in the wrong man...

Mario shook his head, trying to clear it. He shut the book and returned it to his trunk before turning over in his bed, pulling the covers completely over him and doing what he could to shut out the rest of the world.

This is the position that he remained in, even as the door to the dorm opened and a tentative voice spoke into the darkness: "Mario?" That was Link. Mario remained motionless, feigning sleep. Finally, the door shut again.

Mario tried to get to sleep, but found that he couldn't. A hatred of the like he'd never known before was coursing through him, consuming him. Roy, who'd betrayed his parents, who'd trusted him so much in return. Roy, who hadn't hesitated to sell out his friends to the most evil smasher of all time. Roy, who had then proceeded to kill two innocent smashers whose only crime had been to desperately ask him why, _why _he'd done those terrible things...

XXXX

The end result of all this was that Mario didn't manage to get to sleep until it was starting to get light out- and keep in mind, this was during winter. As a result, even the short amount of sleep he got left him getting up pretty late the next day. He got out of bed, not feeling rested at all, and simply headed down to the hub, where Link and Zelda were sitting by the fireside. They looked up as he entered. "Oh, Mario!" Zelda exclaimed, putting a hand to her mouth. "You don't look so good!"

"He looks like Simba dragged him out of bed, that's for sure," Link observed, looking just as concerned. "Are you... feeling alright?"

Not bothering to dignify that last question with a response, Mario took a look around the rest of the hub. Despite the lateness of the hour, the three seemed to be pretty much alone. "Where is everyone?" he asked.

"Gone," Zelda said. "It's the first day of winter break, remember?" Leaning a little closer, she repeated, "You really do look under the weather. Are you feeling alright?"

"Fine," Mario muttered, taking a seat in a chair next to the other two.

For a moment, Link and Zelda glanced at each other, then Zelda spoke again. "Look, Mario... we know you can't be feeling good about what happened yesterday, but... we wanted to make sure you wouldn't do anything... er..."

"Stupid," Link finished for her.

"Like what?" Mario asked, staring at the fire in the fireplace.

"Well, you promised Dad you wouldn't go looking for Roy, right?" Link pointed out. "Just... just stick to that, okay?"

"Because Roy's not worth dying for," Zelda put in.

"Right," Link said, waving a hand at her. "He's hardly even worth a fireball, let alone your life."

Mario slowly turned to look at them. Perhaps they didn't quite understand after all. "You remember all those chapters ago, when I passed out in front of the floow? I thought I'd heard a scream? Well... that was my memory of my Mom dying. Tabuu coming into the room where she was trying to protect me, her begging him to kill her and leave me alive, and he just... blasted her away without a thought. And they were supposed to be safe. _We _were supposed to be safe, he shouldn't have been able to find us. But he did, and it's because of Roy. Because he decided being a decent person wasn't worth the effort. Because he decided being evil was cooler than trying to be good, and handed _my parents _over to him as a prize... can you imagine how it feels to know all that?"

"Mario..." Link said, a note of caution in his voice, "...could you put that out, please?"

Mario glanced down and saw that in his quiet anger, he'd accidentally summoned a couple handfuls of fire. Struggling to calm himself, he closed his hands, extinguishing them.

Zelda spoke up. "There's nothing you can do, Mario. The government is doing everything they can to hunt him down. They'll find him, catch him, and send him right back to subspace for the rest of his life- and he'll have deserved every second of it."

"But you heard what Olimar said, didn't you?" Mario objected. "The floows don't work on him, for some reason. They don't affect him the way they should, it's not a punishment for him the way it should be..."

"What are you saying?" Link spoke up. "Are you saying that you _are _going to hunt him down? Find him, walk up to him, and say something like, 'Hello, my name is Mario Mario, you killed my parents, prepare to die?'"

"I don't know," Mario muttered, shaking his head. "Maybe."

"What are you saying?!" Zelda asked, a look of horror crossing her face. "You... you couldn't kill anyone, right? You're a good guy, you- you'd never..."

Her voice trailed off into silence. Mario continued to stare at the flickering flames, turning everything over in his head. Finally, he spoke again. "Bowser knows," he said. "Remember a few chapters ago? He was saying something about Roy having done something so terrible that he'd have hunted him down personally..."

Link's face changed from cautious to furious. "Okay, if you want to hunt down Roy on your own, I'd try to talk you out of it, of course, but if you're doing it because that freaking turtle told you to, _that's _where I draw the line! Are you really going to listen to him instead of us?!"

Mario was only half listening at this point. "He would know, of course, his Dad was in with Tabuu, he'd have known pretty soon after it happened..."

"And Bowser wants to see you demolished!" Link interrupted exasperatedly. "Listen, Bowser's not the only one who has a Dad who hears things. Dad was just joining up with the Government back when it happened, he heard about the whole Louie-other guy case! You know what was left of those two? A finger each, that's what. Louie's index finger, and the other guy's pinky. You get what I'm saying? You get what I'm driving at?"

"Please, Mario!" Zelda joined in. "I know what Roy is, I understand what he's done, and I don't blame you for hating him! But to just go out and try to hunt him down yourself- can't you see that you'd just be playing into his hands? It's what he'd want you to do! And your parents- they wouldn't want you hunting him down, putting yourself at his mercy- they wouldn't want that!"

"Maybe they wouldn't," Mario agreed, "but thanks to Roy, we'll never know for certain, will we?"

For a while, Link and Zelda simply stared at him, their mouths opening and closing a few times. Finally, Link spoke. "You know what? We can talk about this later. It's the holidays! We're finally free! Aside from Zelda, we should be celebrating!"

"Hey!" Zelda objected.

Ignoring her, Link continued. "You know what would be an awesome way to celebrate break coming up? Let's go visit Crazy! We haven't done that in forever!"

Abruptly, Mario stood up. "You know what? That's a good idea. Go over and ask him why he never brought up Roy when he was telling me about my parents."

The look on Link's face clearly noted that this wasn't what he'd had in mind. "Or-" he said quickly, thinking fast, "we could stay in here and have a Monopoly tournament or something, I think I've got the Nintendo edition, it ought to be fun-"

"No, you were right the first time," Mario brushed him off. "Let's go visit Crazy."

And so it came to be that the three of them, some more reluctantly than others, got dressed for the outside weather and headed out of the hub. Ignoring the usual calls to battle from Toon Link, they continued down through the mansion and out onto the grounds, following the familiar path down to Crazy's cabin by the woods. (Not _in _the woods, thank chaos.)

However, as they approached it, they couldn't help but notice that the usual tell-tale signs of life from the cabin seemed to be absent. No smoke rising from the chimney, no immediately obvious noises... nothing that usually signified Crazy's presence in the wooden building.

"Crazy?" Mario called out, hand to his mouth. "Crazy! Are you in there? Crazy? CRAAAAZYYYYYY!"

"Kind of early to be making that reference, don't you think?" Zelda asked, rubbing her hands together and blowing them to warm them up in the cold.

"DIE, RADIAN!" Link suddenly burst out.

"The heck was that?" Mario asked, staring at Link.

"I was feeling left out on the reference front, I wanted to join in," Link shrugged.

Zelda was on the point of facepalming when the door finally opened to reveal a gigantic left hand in a glove. "Youz be hearin'?" Crazy asked. The three of them stared- for being a hand, Crazy was typically pretty good at expressing emotion, and right now, despair was radiating off of him like heat from a fire.

"Um... Crazy..." Mario asked, trying to keep his voice gentle, "did... did something happen?"

For a moment, Crazy floated there, silent, and then he suddenly burst into loud, tearless sobs. "It be Epona!" he cried. "She be... she be..."

"How about we come in, and you explain it to us inside?" Zelda suggested. Link threw her a look, but Crazy, nodding his body, moved aside for the three of them to enter. On the inside, Crazy shut the door and gestured towards a message of some sort on the coffee table in the one-roomed building's center.

Mario approached it, opened it up, and, with one last glance at Crazy, began to read.

"'Dear Crazy,'" he read out, "'In regards to the incident in the sixth chapter of this story, we have concluded that you bear no responsibility in the injury of one Bowser Dragmire.'"

"Well, isn't that a good thing?" Link asked, looking confused. Crazy, unable or unwilling to speak, simply gave another sob and motioned for Mario to continue.

Mario exchanged a shrug with the others, and read on. "'However, in regards to the Loftwing in question, we are not nearly as confident. In particular regards to complaints and questions of student safety raised by one Ghirahim Dragmire, we are forced to call the sanity of said Loftwing into question. A hearing to this purpose is therefore scheduled for April 20th, to be held at the Government of Smashing in Fourside. Until then, the Loftwing should be isolated- any further accidents, and we will have no choice but to find you liable. Until that date, Miles Edgeworth, High Prosecutors' office, Justice Department, Government of Smashing."

"Ah," Zelda spoke after a moment. "I see. But... but Epona's clearly innocent in this situation, right?"

"You no be noin' dose people over at da Government! Any creature be 2 interestin, dey gotsta go! No collect 200 dollas!"

There was a snapping noise, and the three turned towards its source. As they did, Mario and Zelda let out a yelp, while Link called out, "Hey, buddy, how's it going?!" in a panicked-sounding voice, but all three of them leapt backwards. Not because what they'd seen was particularly frightening, but because it was somewhat startling- Epona was sitting right next to them, feasting on some rodents. She wasn't exactly innocuous, and they found themselves wondering how they could possibly have missed her before.

"Me knows me gotsts be keepin him way from uddas!" Crazy sobbed. "But me cant do dat to him! Not now, not so cold, not when Christmas be comin up!"

For a while, Mario, Link, and Zelda sat there, looking at each other with no small amount of discomfort in their eyes. This was probably the first time they'd really seen eye-to-nonexistent-eye with Crazy on what animals really counted as interesting. Need they remember Duon or Gohma. Well, there was Zoey, Crazy's dog, but she was... well, a dog. Not a species known for being overly vicious. By nature, at least.

Finally, Zelda was the one to break the awkward silence. "Listen, Crazy," she said, "all you need to do is put up a half-decent defense. All the evidence shows that it was Bowser's fault."

"It no help!" Crazy wailed. "All dose people at da Gov'ment be right where Ghirahim want dem! Truth not matter!"

"What about the Master Hand?" Mario suggested. "Can't he help you get Epona off?"

"He be busy! He gotsta deal wit da usual Headmaster stuff, n' da floows be gettin' outta hand- pun no intended- n' Roy himself be around somewhere-"

As Crazy continued, Link and Zelda winced and threw glances at Mario. Mario, however, couldn't do it. He'd meant to chew Crazy out for not telling him the truth sooner, but he hadn't anticipated that Crazy might already be broken when they arrived. Seeing the hand so desperate, scared, and sad, he simply couldn't do it.

"Look, Crazy," he began, and Link and Zelda took in their breath... "We'll help you. We'll do some research, try to get you what you'll need to win, you can even call us as witnesses, if you want."

Link and Zelda let their breath out. Eager to join in, Zelda said, "And I know quite a bit about legal processes- I've read about them, always found them interesting. I'll see what sort of evidence we can put in the court record to support you."

"And I'll just... do whatever I can, I guess," Link awkwardly shrugged.

Crazy let out a wail of gratitude, and made to pull them all into a group hug. After a brief struggle for survival, the three were let free. Link, standing, rubbed the back of his neck and said, "Okay, how about I make the soda today?"

After some more words of encouragement, followed by some Mountain Dew courtesy of Link, (it was okay, though not as good as Crazy's,) Crazy was beginning to calm himself. "Youz all be right, 'course. Me gotsta get self togetha! No broken hand gonna get Epona off at dis trial, me gotsta be sharp, on it, toppa my game!" Speaking more quietly, he added, "Now me tink 'bout it, my udda half-brudda from anudda mudda got some legal trainin... maybe he help?" Returning to his usual voice, he continued, "Still, either way, hope no bein lost!"

It was here that Zoey arrived, and began nuzzling up against Crazy, who absentmindedly stroked her as he took some swigs of Link's soda. "Me be up on da fronts wit y'all," Crazy continued, "me be a little in da rut lately. Not know if you notice, but mize classes take a dive after da Loftwing incident..."

Struggling to keep a straight face, Link asked, "And how are the caterpiles lately?"

Crazy seemed like a blow had been dealt to him. "Dey all be dead," he said. "Shoulda let 'em go, suppose. Gonna hafta find new critters 4 da next semester..."

The three visitors struggled to seem upset about this predicament, but, again, simply couldn't.

"Da floows be really good fur help, 'course," Crazy continued, seemingly giving sarcasm his best effort. "Gotsta go by dem I ever wanna head to Kurain... it almost like bein' back in Subspace..."

"Is... is that place terrible, Crazy?" Zelda asked tentatively.

"Youz got no idea," Crazy shuddered. "You hears people say it be a bad place, da opposite of Disneyland, unhappiest place on Earth... but no one really know 'less dey go dere n' stay da night demselves. Da only word for dat place be 'Hell.' Youz trapped in da cell, nowhere to goez, n' den... dose floows..." He was beginning to shudder at this point. "Dey bring back all your worst memories... day Daddies die... day me realize me hava different mommies from Mattey n' Nick... day half-sis die... day me gets kicked outta da mansion... day Steve had ta go..."

Link opened his mouth to comment here, but Zelda kicked his leg under the table.

"I come out, it be like born again! Happiness, good, all come rushing back! I gotta new hope! Like dat one Star Trek movie! Or Wars? Whatever. Only ting- da floows no be wantin' me ta go. Me could feel dem, dey wantsed me..."

"But you were innocent!" Zelda objected.

"You mistake be tinkin' dey giva crud, Zeddies," Crazy said, waving himself. "Dey no care who be in da right or who be wrong, long as dey have plenty of people to torment. Kinda like da-"

"Headscratchers page for Harry Potter on TvTropes?" Mario guessed.

"Dat exactly what I gonna say! Howyou know?"

"Wild guess."

After another moment of silence, Crazy spoke again. "Mez be tinkin every now n' again, me just let Epona go. She innocent, right? I no be in da wrong. But dey not see it dat way, n'... dey might send me back... tare..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the group got an unexpected pile of winter homework. It wasn't what they'd expected, but it at least had one positive effect- being so engrossed in helping Crazy with his troubles, Mario couldn't really focus on Roy Alluvia anymore. The group headed to the library, checked out books on legal procedure and history, took it all up to the Nintendo hub, and began reading through them, and, in Zelda's case, taking any notes she found that might be even vaguely helpful. Unfortunately, as things stood, they weren't really finding much.

Around the rest of the mansion, Christmas was coming in, full swing. It didn't matter that there were hardly any students left in the mansion to enjoy them, the staff were going just as all-out as they always did. Mario had seen two holiday seasons at the mansion before, but he was still just as blown away by it as ever. Christmas decorations all over the place, even inside the paintings- speaking of whom, they were singing Christmas carols- and the usual gigantic twelve Christmas trees in the Dining hall. And, just to top it off, on Christmas eve, the smell of the next day's feast began floating through the hallways, enticing enough to make everyone's mouth water.

XXXX

Insert previous chapter here.

XXXX

Mario woke early on Christmas day to the sound of Link already tearing his presents open. "It's about time you woke up," Link said, looking up to see him awake. "Got your usual pumpkins for you!"

"Oh, shut up," Mario said, smiling as he turned to the small pile of packages at the foot of his bed. "How's the sweater this year?"

"Green, as per the us," Link said casually. "You've probably got one, too."

He did indeed- the first present Mario opened was a crimson sweater along with some cake, and what looked like a tin of peanut brittle that opened up to reveal hundreds of coiled-up snakes that sprung out as soon as it was opened. To nobody presents' (hardy har) surprise, this tin had been added to the package by Kirby and Meta Knight.

Other presents included some every-flavor star bits from Link, some thumbprint cookies from the Crazy Hand, and fiber bars from Zelda. Lots of food. And, of course, there was the traditional _present from the Smiths, _(TM), and empty shampoo bottle. Mario wondered if they were trying to hint at something.

As he set these aside, his eyes fell on the final package. It was small, only a very tiny object could fit inside it. Bending down, he picked it up and tore the wrapping open. On the inside was a single key and a bundled up letter. Mario turned to the letter first. It wasn't handwritten- the letters seemed to have been cut out from a magazine, and pasted onto the paper. It read,

_Dear Mario,_

_I give to you the key to a new kart. It's one of those hammerspace models- turn the key in the air, and the kart will be called to you. It's the least I could give you. _

_A Secret Admirer._

"Watcha got there?" Link asked, looking over.

"Apparently, they're the keys to a kart," Mario shrugged. "One of those hammerspace models. Well, I won't deny that I need a new kart. Let's see what we've got here..."

He pushed the key into an imaginary ignition and turned. There was a roar, and a flash of light, and suddenly, a kart had appeared in the center of the dorm, with Mario at the wheel.

Link, seeing what it was, gasped, dropped the present he was holding, and began approaching, slowly. "It... it can't be! But it is!"

"What? What is it?" Mario asked, clambering out.

Mario gasped. It was a Wild Wing. It very much resembled the kart he'd seen way back in Twisted Lane, except not quite- it was red and black, and on each door on the side was a white circle with a red M imprinted therein. A raised bar sat on the back, with wings on each side. The headlights had yellow streaks on the sides, and the kart as a whole seemed incredibly aerodynamic.

"Who- who could've sent this?" Mario stuttered.

"What did the letter say?" Link asked, his eyes wide.

"Nothing- it was one of those cut-and-paste letters, and it was just signed, 'A Secret Admirer.'"

"Well, then... who?"

"Well, not the Smiths, I can tell you that much- I already opened their present."

"Hmm..." Link put a hand to his chin, and seemed to be trying to imitate Zelda's 'thinking deeply' face. "What about... the Master Hand? I mean, he sent you the blanket, didn't he?"

"Well, yeah, but that was technically mine already. He was just passing it along. As far as I know, none of my family members ever owned a Wild Wing- I mean, these things were just released this year."

"Well, it would explain why he didn't put his name on it," Link countered. "Wouldn't want some punk like Bowser saying he was showing favor-" he cut himself off midword. "Bowser!" he gasped. "Holy Farore, imagine what Bowser will think when he sees you've got one of these! I mean, these karts are the stuff _professionals _play on!"

Link collapsed onto his bed, laughing himself silly at the thought of the look on Bowser's face. Mario allowed the corners of his mouth to twitch, but then continued to delve into the mystery at hand. "But still," he mused, "who-"

"Oh, hey, I got it!" Link said, raising his hand like they were in class. "It must've been... Fox!"

"_Fox?_" Mario asked, allowing himself the smallest of chuckles. "Now I _know _you're joking."

"No, seriously!" Link objected. "I mean, he really likes you, and he was away around the time the Flame Runner got trashed by the Flaaghra, so-"

"Link, listen, if Fox really had this much money, he could afford to buy his own starship, instead of having to hitch a ride on the Great Fox. And also- wait, what do you mean, he was away? He was out sick, wasn't he?"

"Not from what I know," Link shrugged. "I had detention to do for comparing Wolf to the Harry Potter Headscratchers page, remember? He had me cleaning out the medical ward, and I can tell you, Fox wasn't there."

"What's going on?" came another voice. They turned to see Zelda standing at the entrance, a very unhappy-looking Simba on her shoulder. The reason for his unhappiness? Probably the antlers tied to his head. Zelda frowned. "That's _my _'deep thinking' face you're using, I'll have you know you owe me a rupee every time you use it."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Link cried. "Negatory! Negatory! Get that creature out of our dorm!" As he spoke, he dove across the room to cover the still-sleeping Oreo. His words were lost on Zelda, however, who had just noticed the Wild Wing.

"Wow!" she gasped, running her hand along it. Mario inwardly smiled- if Zelda, the person at the Smash Mansion who knew the least about Smash-Up and karts, thought the Wild Wing was awesome, that sealed the deal. "Who sent this?"

"That's why we had the 'deep thinking' face on," Mario said. "We have no idea. There was a letter, but it was cut-and-paste, and it was just signed, 'A Secret Admirer.'"

To Mario's surprise, Zelda's frown suddenly returned, full force. "Something wrong?" Link asked, having relocated Oreo to a safer place.

"Sort of," Zelda said quietly, biting her thumb. "The thing is... this is supposed to be a really good kart, right?"

"The best of the best!" Link said proudly. "Just imagine the look on-"

"So it would cost quite a bit of money, yes?"

"Well, way back when I first heard about it, the price was on request, so you can imagine-" Mario started.

Zelda interrupted again. "So, whoever got this for you went to quite a bit of effort to get it, it seems, and then they just... don't tell you? They don't want any credit for it?"

"Pretty weird, yeah," Link shrugged. "But hey, who cares, free Wild Wing! Mind if I have a ride on it, Mario? After you, of course!"

"Hold it!" Zelda called out, the words appearing in their customary stamp before disappearing. "No one's going out on that kart yet!" Standing down a bit, she added, "Well, they shouldn't, at least!"

"I don't suppose you want to-" Link started, but he was cut off as Simba suddenly leapt from Zelda's shoulder towards where Oreo was hiding. "THAT FREAKING MEOWTH!" he shouted, jumping towards the feline pokemon. Simba managed to get several swipes in on Oreo, but Oreo managed to flap his wings enough to get away, and streak on down to the hub. Link, seeing Simba preparing to pursue, lashed out with his leg, only to slam it into the Wild Wing, causing him to jump up and down in pain. Zelda dove forward and wrapped her arms around Simba, attempting to calm him via gentle strokes, while glaring reproachfully at Link.

"Can't you keep that... that _thing _under control?!" Link yelled, leaning back on his bed.

Mario helped Link to stand, and the two went down to the hub to find Oreo. As Link finally picked him out from under one of the beds, Mario winced. "He's, uh... not looking overly healthy, is he?" And he wasn't. Feathers were missing in several places, and several more seemed to fall out as Mario watched. The cucoo, once very fat, had the unhealthy appearance of someone who'd lost a lot of weight in a very short timespan. His eyes had an equally unhealthy, haunted sort of look.

"It's stress!" Link said angrily. "If that freaking pokemon would just leave him alone-"

A rant followed, but Mario tuned it out. He couldn't help but remember what Red had said, way back at the pokemart- lots of throwbacks to that chapter today. What had it been? _I don't know what it is with you and Zubats..._ no, wrong memory... _He's been like that ever since he went through the ceremony... _no, wrong memory again... _I'm not certain how long it'll last- a week at best, end of the year at most, maybe four years if you gave it a metal wing or something..._

Mario glanced at Oreo again. No presence of a metal wing. Or face. No subtle hinting here. Mario felt a trace of sorrow cross him. It was starting to look like Oreo was approaching that great cucoo field in the sky. And, all jokes aside, Mario was fairly certain that Link would be pretty sad if Oreo were to die.

And so it came to be that the Nintendo hub saw one of its less merry Christmases. There were only three Nintendoes still at the mansion, two of whom refused to speak to each other. Link was furious at Zelda's flippancy in regards to cucoo security, and Zelda was furious that Link had tried to kick Simba. When trying to communicate with Zelda failed, Mario retrieved the keys from the Wild Wing and used them to bring the kart downstairs, where he and Link set to admiring it from every angle- it really was nigh perfect. Zelda didn't seem to think so, however, and seemed to be doing all she could to give the kart the cold shoulder as well.

Lunchtime rolled around, and the three headed down to the dining hall. As it transpired, the five tables that usually sat in the hall, belonging to the staff, Nintendo, Hal, Retro, and Sierra, had been dispensed with in favor of a single table. Everyone else was already present: the two Hands, Samus, Wolf, Daisy, Pikachu, alongside two first years, a scared-looking Retro and an excited-looking Hal, and, finally, a tall Sierra third year, with extremely long legs, a pointed nose and chin, a jagged moustache, and dressed in a purple shirt, purple overalls, and a purple hat with an upside-down L on the front.

The Master Hand rose to greet them as they entered. "Welcome!" he called. "Given our diminished numbers, it seemed ridiculous to divide everyone up today! Come, enjoy the feast!"

As the three Nintendoes took their seats, the Master Hand picked up a large object and offered one end to Wolf. "Cracker?" he asked. Wolf reluctantly raised a claw and helped the giant hand to pull it. It erupted in the usual gigantic mushroom cloud of smoke, and left in its wake a gigantic white woolen sock. Wolf's face soured, while Mario and Link snorted into their Christmas feast, remembering Luigi's battle against the Tane-Tane. Wolf snarled and threw it to the Sierra.

"Waluigi has gotten a sock!" the Sierra gasped, grabbing it. "Mr. O'Donnell threw it, and Waluigi caught it, and... and... Waluigi is free! Oh, yeah! Waluigi number 1! No, Waluigi better! Waluigi number I!"*

As the student- presumably Waluigi- continued to rant, everyone else casually returned to their feast.

As this was going on, the doors to the hall suddenly thrust themselves open dramatically, and Lucario came floating in, gazing around at them all with his piercing eyes.

"Ah, Lucario!" the Master Hand greeted him, rising up as the dog-like pokemon entered. "Didn't expect to see you here!"

_Truth be told, I didn't expect this either,_ Lucario thought. _I was meditating in my room, when I suddenly received the most abnormal vision of myself descending through the mansion and joining you all. Far be it from me to fly in the face of destiny, so I found myself rising from my chair and beginning the long trek down the stairs. And here I am. _

"Excellent!" the Master Hand said, a smile in his voice. "Well, let's just get you a chair..."

He rose into the air, and snapped his fingers with a deafening _crack. _A chair appeared for Lucario to sit in. Lucario made his way over, but suddenly leapt backwards, fear entering his eyes.

_No! _he thought. _If I sit, Mr. Hand, there will be thirteen dining here tonight! And you know what that means!_

"Well, first off, it's midday," Samus muttered, "and second, no, we don't know what that means."

_Ah, Ms. Aran, when thirteen people dine together, the first to rise will inevitably be the first to die!_

"It's a risk we're willing to take," Samus said, her eyes rolling. "Take your seat, if you would."

Lucario, looking strained to the point of constipation, took the seat and slowly began helping himself to some ham.

Gazing around, Lucario allowed some more thoughts to cross his mind. _And where's Fox? Isn't he joining us today?_

"He's out sick," Wolf snarled, not sounding particularly broken up about it. "As he has been surprisingly often this year."

"Shouldn't you already know that, Lucario?" Samus pointed out. "You are psychic after all, aren't you supposed to know all and see all?"

_Ah, questioning my power again, hm, Samus? For your information, it has long been the findings of the psychic world that, despite our vast pools of knowledge, we must often pretend we do not know all that we do, in order to avoid persecution._

"And suddenly an ancient puzzle falls into place," Samus commented drily.

Lucario's eyes lit up in agitation. _For your further information, _Lucario thought, _I have examined Fox closely since he arrived, and I am afraid he is doomed to linger at this mansion no longer than the end of this year. His termination is approaching on swift wings, and even he seems to be aware of it. He fled when I offered to read his palm..._

"Not overly unique, I think I'd have fled myself," Samus retorted.

Lucario sighed. _Cutting me off at every pass, what are you, the Har-_

"Enough!" the Master Hand cut them off, raising himself to do so. He still sounded as jolly as ever, but a note of warning entered his voice as well. "I am sure Fox is fine. You made the power-up for him as usual, Wolf?" A curt nod from said anthro. "Good. All should be well."

"Yeah, the last thing we need is to bring that reference up again," Mario muttered.

And so it came to be that Lucario remained mostly quiet for the rest of the feast. He only raised his thoughts again when Mario and Link, both stuffed full, stood up. He turned to them, and, panic in his mind, thought,_ Which one of you stood up first, my boys? Which one of you!?_

"Oh, relax, Lucario," Samus said, waving her hand as she helped herself to some pumpkin pie. "They're both alive, aren't they? I think it'll only really matter if there's some sort of Kaizo trap waiting for them in the entrance hall. You know, one of those bottomless pits that you run into just as you were at the goal. You know what, you two?" she added, tossing something over to them. "Just in case there _is _a Kaizo trap, take that with you. Merry Christmas."

Mario laughed as he picked up whatever it was. It was a P-Switch. The two smiled and turned to Zelda. "Coming?" Mario asked.

"Not quite," Zelda muttered, still eating some potatoes. "I have something to talk over with Samus, first."

Mario and Link shrugged and turned to the door. On the other side, the floor had suddenly been replaced with a bunch of coins floating in midair over a bottomless pit. Mario and Link threw surprised looks at each other, culminating in Mario shrugging and hitting the P-Switch, turning all the coins into solid blocks that the two made their way over to the staircase, and they began climbing back up to the hub.

"I wonder what Zelda wants?" Mario wondered out loud.

"Meh, probably wants to see if she can take classes over Winter Break, too," Link guessed unconcernedly as he stretched.

Finally, the two made it back up, and returned to examining the Wild Wing. Mario tried to find some fault with it, but no matter how hard he scrutinized it, it remained perfect in every way. The two continued this close examination until the portrait suddenly opened.

"Stand and fight, coward!" came Toon Link's voice.

"Oh, shut up," said the person crossing in, pinching the bridge of her nose.

Mario and Link stared. It wasn't often that Samus came into the hub. Behind her was Zelda, who quickly crossed the room to a chair by the fire, picked up a book, and began pretending to read. Mario and Link could tell that it was pretend by the fact that the book was upside down.

"So, Ms. Hyrule has told me about your kart," Samus said, looking at Mario and Link. "Is this it?" she asked, her eyes falling on the Wild Wing.

"Y-yes," Mario said, sounding somewhat nervous.

"Hm, I see," she said, bending over it and examining it closely. "Very interesting." As she spoke, she reached for the keys and pulled them out, returning the kart to hammerspace. "Well, I'm afraid, Mario, that I'm going to have to take it."

"What?" Mario asked, shock hitting him.

"Yes, just for a little while," Samus said. "Pikachu and I are going to run a few tests on it- we'll return it to you once we're sure it's safe. See you around." And without further adieu, she climbed back out of the hub.

For a moment, Mario and Link simply stared after her, mouths open. Link was the first to recover. He turned on Zelda. "Zelda, the heck did you do that for?"

Zelda lowered the book to reveal that she'd suddenly shifted into Sheik. "Zelda? Who's Zelda?" he asked.

"Zelda, we were there when you got that ability, we know it's you," Mario said. "Why did you talk to Samus?"

Zelda sighed, shifting back to her normal form. "Because," she said, "the thought crossed my mind- and Samus agrees- that that kart came from Roy Alluvia!"

_XXXX_

*I admit that it's an abomination that it took me this long to bring in Waluigi.

4...3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR! (This feels strangely familiar...) Yes, it is now 3 years to the day since I began _Mario Mario and the Dungeon of Secrets! _And yes, I was originally planning to update on the day after Christmas, but as that day approached, it became increasingly clear to me that it simply wasn't going to happen, so I decided the best thing to do would be to make this Christmas special a New Year's special! I had a great Christmas, I'll say that right up front. So, how was you guys' holidays?

And for the first Q&amp;A of the year, we have several questions coming to us from... Anon! Here we go!

Q: Will all the smashers make an appearance? A: Well, certainly as many as I can fit in. Lots of factors here. How long the story goes on for, how far into the series we go... I'll certainly try to include as many as possible.

Q: Will more Random Quickies show up? A: Well, certainly, as long as people don't find them overly annoying. If you guys stop enjoying them, feel free to let me know, and I'll stop with them. But as long as you guys enjoy them, I'll include them every few chapters or so. (I know it's been more along the lines of 'every other chapter' lately, but that wasn't my intention, it just kind of worked out like that.)

Q: Will the Master Core appear? A: No idea. I actually just got the new Smash Bros. games, and I haven't met this core yet. As with the other characters, I'll certainly keep an eye out for a place to include it.

Q: Will any other gaming companies be in the story? A:... Er... moving on!

Q: Will it be a complete crossover of many fictional universes in one parody of Harry Potter? A: Well, these stories are intended to be video game-related, so if those fictional universes are from video games, than sure, I suppose so. Again, depending on how long the story goes on, and subject to spoilers. There might be some references to TV shows, comics, anime, movies, etc. every now and again, but they won't be playing large parts in the story.

And that's it for today! Have a good new year, all! A new chapter for the new year, so to celebrate, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!

P.S.: I just realized as I was uploading this that this ends this story's reign of having exactly 70,000 words. Such a nice, even number, gone. Ah well, sacrifices must be made! This time for real, Gamer4 out.


	15. Ring of Fire

Gamer4 in, and I'm proud to announce that Project Solaris is now officially go! Of course, it'll be a while before anything really comes of it, but still! To celebrate, another chapter of _Mario Mario and the Prisoner of Subspace!_

Disclaimer: I'll tell you who I _do _own: Vanessa Paisley, Jack Baker, Tom Dillon, Lana Smith, and Michael/Michelle. Among others, and none of whom are in this story.

Chapter XII

Ring of Fire

And so it came to be that Zelda fell even more out of favor with the other two. Mario was a little better about it- he knew that she'd meant well, and all- but even he couldn't stop himself from being at least somewhat cross with her. Link, who'd already been pretty angry with her to begin with because of the whole 'Simba-trying-to-kill-Oreo' thing, basically just had more fuel thrown on the fire. Zelda, meanwhile, was maintaining that she'd done the right thing, and refused to see it any other way. In addition, rather than making any effort to talk to them, she started avoiding the hub altogether, retreating more and more into the library. All this added up to the main reason Mario was supremely glad when the break ended and the hub filled up again.

The best part, Mario would later decide, was trying to explain everything to Captain Falcon, who, sure enough, sought him out first thing after getting back to the mansion. "Look, Mario," he said, a dead serious look on his face, "I know that nothing's ever going to top the Flame Runner, but you can't exactly play Smash-Up on just your two feet. It would really be best if you just let it go- and no, I'm not going to sing- and got another kart. It's really about time."

"Well, good news and bad news on that front," Mario said heavily. "Which do you want first?"

"Hmm... bad news."

"Well, too bad, I actually have to give you the good news first. Good news I got a Wild Wing over Winter Break.

Captain Falcon's jaw dropped. "R- really? A... a Wild Wing? You're not pulling my leg, are you?"

"No," Mario shook his head. "But... that brings me to the bad news. You see, it was sent anonymously, so Samus took it and is running a bunch of tests on it before I'm allowed to actually ride it."

"No way!" Captain Falcon gasped, recoiling slightly. "A Wild Wing, on _our _team, and she took it? She wouldn't!"

"She clearly would," Mario shrugged. "That's certainly how the situation stands right now."

"You've got to be kidding me!" Captain Falcon gasped. "Oh, don't you worry, Mario, I'll go talk to her, I'll make her see reason. A Wild Wing- it'd be a crime _not _to use it..."

As Captain Falcon turned and headed off, still ranting, Link turned to Mario. "So, what're the chances of him actually convincing her?"

"The same chances of there ever being a bad flavor of Mountain Dew," Mario shrugged.

XXXX

A few days later, classes began. The Nintendoes and Sierras headed back out and across the grounds for the first Smashing Creatures lesson. The grounds being frozen, nobody was particularly looking forward to it, but Crazy surprised them- he'd dug up some creatures called Dodongos, who thrived in fire, allowing the class to be centered around said element- definitely much better than one harsh winter where Wolf had taught his class how to make ice flowers. Things were going swimmingly- until Link started trying to bomb them. It was definitely a much better lesson than the one before it, where Lucario had wasted no time in praising him for surviving the old year, and got right to work on predicting how long he would last in the new one. (Not very long, according to the aura pokemon.)

But the thing Mario was looking forward to most about the new year was, of course, the lessons that Fox had promised him about how to repel floows, which he wasted no time in reminding Fox of in the first Protection from the Evils class of the year.

"Oh, that's right!" Fox said, smacking his forehead, as Mario spoke to him about it. "Alright, hm... meet me this Tuesday, this classroom... how does... 8:00 sound?"

Mario agreed. He wasn't certain how they'd go about practicing, but had faith Fox would figure something out.

"Something still looks off about him, don't you think?" Link said quietly as he and Mario headed out and back towards their hub. "I mean, he still looks better than back on the ship, but he still looks pretty sick... I wonder what's wrong..."

XXXX

Naturally, Mario wasted no time in heading to the Protection from the Evils classroom on Tuesday night, ready to finally learn what Fox had to teach him. Fox was sitting in the middle of the class, right next to a large case that would probably be big enough to fit Mario, if he cared to actually test it.

"Whatcha got there?" Mario asked, somewhat nervously.

"It's a Tane-Tane," Fox explained. "I managed to find another one up in the attic. In theory, it'll turn into a floow when it sees you, allowing us to practice. Of course, it's not exactly the same, but it's the closest we should be able to get without bringing a real floow in."

Mario gulped, but tried to hide his nervousness. "So, what's this high-level smashing you're talking about?" he asked, cursing himself mentally as his voice cracked two or three times in that one sentence.

Fox, however, either didn't notice it or didn't pay it any mind. "It is a very powerful area of smashing, the ultimate attack in any smasher's arsenal. Note, however, that not only is it very powerful, it's also very draining on one's energy, so most use it only as a last resort, thus why they are referred to... as final smashes."

"Final... smashes?" Mario repeated.

"Yes. Each is, as usual, unique to the smasher who uses it, and they all work in different ways. They aren't exclusively for fighting floows, but it's one of the few attacks in the smasher world that's effective enough to protect one from them."

"How does it work?"

"That's the tricky part. It becomes easier, once you get used to it, but it requires a great deal of power- and the only way most smashers can summon that power from within is to focus on a happy thought."

"Any happy little thought?" Mario asked, resorting to references to try and calm himself.

"We're not doing that, Team Starkid beat us to it," Fox said. "Besides, it has to be a very powerful thought- a powerful, happy memory- the kind that fills you with determination, that when you think of it, it feels as though a bonfire's been lit in your stomach, and you can't help but release all the energy within you somehow- and you release it as a final smash."

"Where do the smash balls come in?"

"In this story? Nowhere."

"Huh. That's weird."

"What's even weirder is that _that's _where you draw the line."

"Granted."

"So, can you think of a happy memory?"

Mario fell silent, casting his mind around for a happy memory. Right off the bat, nothing from the first ten years of his life would qualify. Freaking Smiths, always making everything difficult. What about... Smash-Up? The first time he drove a kart? That tended to fill him with fire... not quite literally, given his powers, but still.

"I think I've got something."

"Alright... I'll release the floow... in three... two... one... NOW!"

Mario had very little time to brace himself before Fox swung the top of the case open and out came a monstrous, hulking silhouette, wrapped in and made of darkness itself, sucking light and happiness as it came...

Mario focused on his memories of the very first time he ever drove a kart- way back in the first story, he'd been racing Bowser for a blue stone, or something like that... it had been a wonderful feeling... he raised his hands, trying to bring form to the feeling he'd felt in his guts, but at the same time, he could hear his mother's screams filling his ears once more...

XXXX

The next thing Mario knew, he was picking himself up off the floor. "What happened?" he asked.

"You passed out again," Fox said. Mario turned to see the anthro kneeling next to him, looking concerned. "Here... have some chocolate."

Mario absentmindedly accepted the chocolate that Fox was offering him. Fox continued to gaze at him as he ate. "Are you certain you can do this?" he asked, and Mario could hear the concern in his voice as well.

"I don't think it's a question of whether I can or can't," Mario replied, finishing off the chocolate. "I don't really have a choice- if the floows show up at the next Smash-Up match, this is something I'll need to know."

"I see..." Fox said, musing. "Out of curiosity, what was your thought?"

"The first time I drove a kart."

"Really?" Fox asked, looking surprised. "Your father being who he was, I guess I'm not really _that _surprised, but surely there has to be something that inspires you more than that."

"Just how powerful does it have to be?"

"The longer you practice, the less inspirational it will have to be- you might get to a point where that memory _will _work. But your first few times are different- it has to be something that inspires you, makes you so happy that you feel like you're going to burst- and then burst."

Mario sat there, racking his brain for the most happy, inspirational, feel-good memory he could think of. Suddenly, it came to him- a memory so great that he couldn't _not _feel fantastic just by thinking of it- the moment that the Crazy Hand had broken down his door, told him the truth about his heritage, and taken him away from the Smiths! If that wasn't a great memory, then nothing would ever qualify.

"I've got it," he said, standing.

"Are you certain?" Fox asked. "You're absolutely sure that you've got it this time? Prolonged exposure to floows might have some undesirable effects on your health..."

"Just do it," Mario said, making sure his hat was on his head, focusing on his memory with all his might, and focusing on the case containing the Tane-Tane.

"Alright," Fox said, a slight grimace on his face that showed he was doing this somewhat against his better judgement. He bent down and opened the case again.

And the floow was back, towering over the room, all the lights flickering, darkness forming.

Mario focused on his memory, concentrating as hard as he could on the sheer joy he felt at being freed from the Smiths- leaving Peach Creek, the local Middle School, going to another world, the world of the smashers-

As he held out his hands, a small flame appeared at the tip of his finger- only a candle flame, much less than he'd summoned even without trying a final smash. But it was more than he'd mustered before...

It felt like a battle of wills between him and the creature bearing down on him. Screams began to fill Mario's ears, the screams of his fallen mother...

And then a new voice joined in. "Sarah!" it cried. "Take Mario and run! It's him! He's coming! I'll hold him off, protect Mario!"

Mario shook his head, focusing with all his might on that burning feeling, the desire to finally belong somewhere, to be free of the Smiths...

The candle flame began to expand, first covering his hand, then spreading across his arm and torso, eventually leaving his entire body covered with fire. It began to burn hotter and hotter, and though Mario could still hear the screams, they were beginning to rise and fall, like someone was messing around with the volume. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Fox looking awed, but he didn't pay any mind to that. He could feel the joy building inside of him, and finally, he released it, in a wave of fire rolling off of his body, slamming into the floow and causing it to stagger backwards.

Immediately, Mario felt his limbs go weak- he collapsed to the ground again, though he was at least still conscious this time. Above him, he could hear Fox jumping in front of him. He said some brief words, and the Tane-Tane was once more forced into its case. This done, Fox turned and collapsed next to Mario. "Well," he said, panting, "that... was... something."

"That really did... take a bit out of me," Mario panted.

"Here," Fox said, producing the rest of the chocolate bar. "Eat it. It'll help."

Mario took it. "Sorry if I got a bit of fire in your office."

"Oh, don't worry, I fireproofed everything before you got here," Fox said, waving the apology aside. "I _was _teaching a _pyromancer _after all."

"Of course," Mario shrugged. "How about... another try?"

"No," Fox said immediately. "You need rest, first. That was more than most smashers achieve in a lifetime, forget one night. But... it was a great first attempt, I will say. What were you thinking of that time?"

Mario momentarily stopped chewing. It seemed like it would raise more questions than it was worth to try and explain the whole thing to Fox. "It was a memory that I think I have... but I'm not sure," he said, inventing on the fly. "It's... I'm lying down, and my parents are over me, talking to me. I can't hear what they're saying, they're just... talking."

"Really?" Fox asked, an eyebrow raised. "Hm."

"You talked about my Dad earlier," Mario recalled. "Did you know him?"

"Did _I _know him?" Fox asked, a slight laugh entering his voice. "Yes, I'd say I knew him. He and your mother were there for me at a time that nobody else was. They had a talent for seeing beauty where nobody else could, even if your father also possessed... well, putting it lightly, a talent for trouble."

Mario remained silent for another moment or two. Suddenly, something occurred to him. "Mr. Mccloud!" he said, turning to his teacher. "If... you knew my Dad... you must have known Roy, too, right?"

"What gives you that idea?" Fox asked, eyebrows going back up.

"Oh, nothing!" Mario said quickly. "I just heard a rumor from the Word on the Wind that the two of them were friends."

"Oh, really?" Fox asked. "The Word on the Wind never _did _know when to keep quiet. Anyways, yes, I knew him. Or... well, I thought I did."

A lengthy silence later, Fox bid Mario farewell, and Mario began the ascent to the Nintendo hub. As he climbed, he thought to himself. The truth was, as unpleasant as it was to hear his parents over and over again, it wasn't the most unappealing idea he'd ever been presented with- after all, it was the only time since he was a baby that he'd been able to hear their voices.

He shook his head, trying to get rid of such thoughts. Turning, he saw a mirror. "They're dead," he said to his reflection. "What, do you think that hearing echoes is going to somehow bring them back?" He took off one of his gloves and slapped his reflection with it. "Get a hold of yourself, you need to be at top form if you want to win the Smash-Up Cup."

With that, he continued up the stairs, with his reflection resentfully rubbing its cheek.

XXXX

Speaking of Smash-Up, let's have an update on that, now!

Things were looking up for the Nintendo team. Despite the disastrous first match of the season, the later matches were beginning to turn things in their favor: Retro played against Sierra and Hal each, losing the first match by a narrow margin, but winning the second match by so much it wasn't even funny. Well, kind of. According to Captain Falcon, this was all great news, meaning that if they played a flawless season from here on out, they still stood a chance of clawing their way to the top. This in mind, they were now practicing five nights a week. Between this and continuing to meet up with Fox once a week for anti-floow lessons, and increasing amounts of homework on top of that, Mario was beginning to feel the strain. Ain't it a shame? Give me the beat, boys, and free my- (crack!)*

And so it came to be that the old author was shot dead and they had to hire a new one.

Anyways, as much strain as Mario was showing, he was nothing compared to Zelda. She was really beginning to lose it. It started with the involuntary twitching in her left eye, and then the intermittent tremoring of her hands, and then snapping altogether and shouting down anyone who dared to breath in her general vicinity whenever she was studying.

Even Link, angry as he was, was showing some signs of being concerned for her. "I don't get it," he muttered quietly as Zelda passed them by in the library one day, a gigantic tower of books in her arms. Certainly better than a _**tower**_ of leaves. "How's she doing it?"

"Doing what?" Mario asked, looking up from the book on poisonous mushrooms he was examining.

"Her classes! How's she doing all her classes! I've been asking around- I talked to Lucas, and according to him, she's never missed a Dead Languages class, and I even talked to Adam- remember Adam? I mean, this is a story about Adam- anyways, Adam says she hasn't missed any of her Robotic Engineering classes either, but those classes are at the same times as Smashing Creatures and Psychic Powers, and I know for a fact she's never missed any of them! I mean, what, has she found a way to clone herself or something?"

"Well, hopefully, it's no Les Enfants Terrible if she is," Mario muttered. "Look, I'll help you figure this out later, I need to finish this essay, or else Wolf'll kill-"

"Mario!" came another voice.

"Dangit!" Mario cursed. He turned to see Captain Falcon approaching him. "Alright, what is it?"

"Well, I talked to Samus."

Mario waited for a moment, but Captain Falcon remained silent. And then another moment. And then another. Finally, waving his hand a bit, Mario said, "You talked to Samus...?"

Captain Falcon gave a jerk like he'd just broken out of a reverie. "Oh, right. I talked to Samus, and she... well... she got a little angry at me."

"For asking?" Mario asked, eyes widening a bit.

"Not per se," Captain Falcon said, scratching the back of his head. "Well, she was getting on me about 'not caring about your safety,'-" as he spoke he made large, obvious air quotes, "-just because I 'said you could crash and burn,' as long as you 'got the smash ball first.' She accused me of not caring properly for my team! Can you believe that?!"

"Slightly," Mario said, one eyebrow high up in the air.

"Anyways, I asked her how much longer she'll need to keep the dang thing, and she just gave me one of those vague not-answers. I'm starting to think it would be better to just bite the bullet and get a new kart- I don't know, how about an Offroader? They're supposed to be pretty good." As he spoke, he made a hand gesture.

"No," Mario said flatly. "I'm not stepping down to Bowser's level."

XXXX

Little did Captain Falcon know, however, that Mario was already on his own campaign to retrieve his kart from Samus, and had been privy to plenty of vague not-answers of his own. His strategy usually involved sticking around after Transformation class, and approaching the teacher with the encouraging nods of Link backing him up. Zelda, for her part, ignored it entirely, giving the campaign neither her endorsement nor her derision.

Samus, for her part, was growing increasingly agitated with Mario's persistence, until one day she snapped before he even opened his mouth, "No, it's not ready. I promise you that as soon as it is, you'll be the first to know. Now STOP BADGERING ME!"

Mario, his eyes downcast, dropped the honey badger he'd found outside earlier, allowing it to run off.

Samus sighed and did her nose-bridge-pinching maneuver. "Look, Mario, I know it's agitating, but surely you understand how serious the damage could be if we fail to look it over, and it really _was _sent by Roy? We're only trying to protect you. As soon as we're sure it's safe, we'll return it immediately, alright?"

On top of this, Mario's lessons on final smashes were taking the opposite turn from the Smash-Up tournament. Where the Smash-Up tournament had started horribly and gotten much better, the final smash lessons had started out promising, then taken a turn for the worse. As hard as Mario worked, he simply couldn't repel the floow- only cause it to stagger back a bit. The wave of fire was pretty intimidating, but it simply wasn't as effective as Mario wanted it- and potentially would need it- to be.

Fox, however, didn't share this gloomy view. "Look, Mario," he said as Mario confided his worries to him, "for your age, even what you've achieved is spectacular. I didn't expect you to be able to do even what you did on your first try, let alone achieve a fully-fledged final smash. You're progressing just fine."

"I'm just a little disappointed," Mario intoned. "I thought that if I mastered it, I would be able to actually make them go away."

"Once you actually _do _master it, you _will_," Fox said. "You're just not there yet. But believe me, it's possible- I wouldn't have thought so before we got started, but you've made a believer out of me. So, to celebrate- want some Mountain Dew? I actually got this from Sharla down in Kurain, you wouldn't have tasted-"

"Sharla?" Mario gasped. "Oh, yeah, her stuff is great!"

"Sure it is," Fox said, suddenly eyeing him suspiciously, "but... how do _you_ know that?"

Mario cursed himself. "Oh, uh... Link and Zelda brought me some of her stuff a few chapters back," he explained quickly.

Fox didn't seem entirely satisfied, but he dropped the issue nonetheless. "Okay... well, I understand your next Smash-Up match is coming up soon. So, here's to a Nintendo victory!"

"Aren't you not supposed to take sides?" Mario asked. "You know, as a teacher?"

"Probably not," Fox shrugged, "but hey, it's not like any of the other teachers try to hide it- even Samus. Why bother?"

"Point taken," Mario nodded, taking a swig of soda. After another silence, he finally vocalized a question that had been on his mind. "So... what exactly _are _floows?"

"Don't you already know?" Fox asked, eyes widening. "You've certainly dealt with them enough."

"No, I mean... what exactly _are _they? Like... are they really made out of darkness? If you took away those strips that they're always under, what would be underneath?"

Fox froze, and bought himself some time by taking a drink. "Hm... well, that's a... _very _interesting question. The thing is, nobody really knows- well, I suppose some do, but they're not exactly the most reliable informants. You see, the only thing that can pull back the veil of darkness disguising a floow... is the floow that that veil is concealing. And what lies beneath... well, again, no one knows. Floows only do it when they intend to destroy the person they're dealing with entirely- when they intend to consume that smasher's soul."

Mario choked. "What- they'll kill-"

"Oh, no, much worse than that," Fox said, shaking his head. "The body can live without the soul, but the soul contains a person's entire sense of self- any memories, thoughts, perceptions, dreams, emotions, everything that makes you... _you_... and without it, your body is simply an empty shell, continuing on, but not capable of anything."

Mario shuddered. But Fox wasn't done. He put down his glass of soda and headed to the window. Looking forlornly out, he said, "Should Roy Alluvia get caught, it's the fate that awaits him."

Mario froze, staring at Fox in horror. "Oh, yeah," Fox said, turning back to him. "It was in the papers a while back- the Government has put through the paperwork for Roy's execution via floow. It doesn't matter who catches him- if it's the government, they'll hand him over for it, and if the floows catch him- well, it just shortens the process by a step."

Mario turned this new information over in his mind. The more he thought about it, the less he liked it. But at the same time, he couldn't shake that sense of fury he'd had when he first learned what Roy had done to him and his family. Finally, he said, "He deserves it."

"Hm?" Fox asked. "Didn't quite catch that."

"He deserves it," Mario repeated. "There are some crimes that... that are just so unforgivable..."

"But _that _unforgivable?" Fox asked, eyebrow raised. "I don't want to get into religion and spark a flame war over whatever afterlife may or may not exist in a fanfiction, but if there _is _a religion, theoretically, the person without their soul wouldn't even be able to move on to that- they'd just... cease to be."**

Mario opened and closed his mouth a few times. Finally, Fox shrugged. "It's not an easy question to answer," he acknowledged. "Believe you me, there have been debates about it for years. It's not like it's up to you anyways, don't worry about it. Alright, let's call it for tonight. See you next lesson."

Mario mutely nodded and left the room. His thoughts consumed him so much that he didn't notice the person outside until he slammed headlong into her.

"Whoah, watch where you're going, Mario!" the person in front of him said.

Mario leapt back and looked up to see Samus standing over him. "Sorry!" he said quickly.

Samus sighed. "Well, it's all good anyways, I was actually looking for you. Here you go-"

She reached into a pocket that Mario hadn't noticed before and produced a small package. Mario eagerly took it and tore it open to reveal a pair of keys on a ring- the keys to his Wild Wing.

"I... I can really have it back?!"

"You can," Samus said, one of her rare smiles gracing her face. "Pikachu and I have examined it for every single trap we could imagine, and... nothing. It looks like you really do have quite the secret admirer out there somewhere..."

Mario quickly thanked her and, newly heartened, almost sprinted up the stairs towards the hub. As he did, he slammed headlong into yet another person.

"Well, this is going to get old really quick," he grumbled as he picked himself up off the ground. Looking, he saw that the new person was Link.

"I heard!" Link said, without any preamble. "About the kart- she already get it back to you?"

"Yep," Mario grinned, producing the keys.

"Bawesome!" Link said, an equal grin spreading across his face. "You mind if I get that ride on it tomorrow?"

"Fine by me," Mario said. "But... you know what? Let's make up with Zelda, how about? I mean, she _was _trying to help..."

Link looked away. Finally, he said, "Yeah... you're right. She should be in the hub... she's dramatically altered her schedule- she's doing some homework for Dead Languages instead of Robotic Engineering."

However, as Mario and Link approached the door to the Nintendo hub, it was to find Luigi on the outside, having an argument of some sort with Toon Link. As much as it can really be called an argument.

"Come on, please let me in!"

"Alright, I'll let you in," Toon Link said. "Even without the password, I mean, what is it between Nintendoes, right?"

"Oh, thank you!" Luigi said, moving forward as Toon Link opened up. Suddenly, the Toon slammed the painting short and started dancing.

"Psych!" he said, then started singing to random music. "We're no strangers to love... you know the rules and so do I!"

Mario cringed. "Well, it's finally happened," he muttered to Link. "We've finally stooped... to the Rick Roll."

"I'll kill that Toon," Link muttered, rushing forward.

"What's going on?" Mario asked of Luigi.

"I had all his passwords written down for the week," Luigi tearfully explained, "I mean... you know how often he changes them... but I lost them, and now he won't let me in!"

Mario and Link turned to the Toon. "Come on, man, let him in, we can vouch for him."

"Ah, but how can I know to trust _you two_?" Toon Link cried dramatically.

Mario and Link sighed, and proceeded to give the Toon the password of the hour- every single verse of the Numa Numa song, complete with choreography. Toon Link, satisfied, finally allowed them in.

The moment the door opened, the three were surrounded, Mario in particular, by people clamoring to see the Wild Wing.

"Come on, man, show us!"

"I've heard it's awesome, is it as great as everyone's always saying?"

Finally, Mario managed to make it into the center of the room, where he motioned for everyone to back off, then inserted the keys into thin air and turned. Immediately, the Wild Wing appeared, just as gleaming and magnificent as on Christmas day. As everyone oohed and aahed, Mario and Link turned to see Zelda approaching.

"Well..." Link said, looking pretty awkward, "there... there wasn't anything wrong with it..."

"Well..." Zelda said, looking equally awkward, "there... there could have been. I mean, now we're sure."

"True," Link acknowledged. "Hey, Mario, how's about I take the keys up to the dorm?"

"Yeah, sure," Mario said.

"Alright," Link nodded eagerly. "Clear off, everyone! Show's over, you want to see it again, just show up for the Smash-Up match!"

As he spoke, he grabbed the keys from the ignition and pulled them out, the kart returning to hammerspace. He then made a quick run upstairs.

This done, Mario and Zelda made their way through the crowd over to the table Zelda had been sitting at. "Mind if I sit?" he asked her.

"Yeah, sure, pull up a seat," Zelda said, waving a hand over at a nearby chair.

Mario did so, pulling up and examining the work Zelda was going through. "Well... this looks complicated."

"It is."

"You know... I'm actually kind of starting to worry about you. I mean, I have no idea how you're getting through all this..."

"I told you, I talked it over with Samus. I've got it covered."

"Come on, why not just drop a subject or two? I mean, really, when are you ever going to have a pressing need to speak dead languages? Do you know many smashers still fluent in freaking _Ancient Latin?_"

"No..." Zelda acknowledged, "but I still wouldn't quit, I mean, it's a great class, it's pretty-"

She was raising her hands in a gesture, but before she could finish the sentence, their conversation was cut off by a long, drawn-out, bloodcurdling scream. Everyone turned, panicked, to the stairs Link had just gone up, only to see the swordsman in green storming back down, some sort of fabric over his shoulder. He stormed up to Zelda, glowering down at her, and slammed the fabric down.

"What- what?" Zelda asked, bewildered.

But it only took a couple seconds to see what Link was getting at. The blanket was torn, and around the tear were myriad feathers and a dark red stain that looked horribly like...

"BLOOD!" Link shouted, locked into caps-lock mode. "BLOOD ALL OVER MY COVERS, AND OREO'S MISSING! AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?!"

"No, what else?" Zelda asked, looking slightly frightened.

Link didn't even speak again. He simply threw down a handful of fur, clearly taken from a Meowth.

_XXXX_

*Ah, I can't resist waxing lyrical to songs I loved in my childhood. _Drift Away _is still a classic to me.

** I get very uncomfortable around religion-based flame wars, and I'm not trying to incite anything here. I apologize to anyone I offended with this line.

Dramatic chapter closure! And some more progress marked for Project Solaris! I won't be bringing that up overly often, I'll probably just drop a hint here and there. Also, a whopper of a question today, coming to us from... PrincessKatniss02!

Q: What's with the Harry Potter Headscratchers page? A: Well, this is a question I knew I'd have to answer one day. I could easily write an entire chapter-length essay on the Harry Potter Headscratchers page on TvTropes, but I'll just give you a basic sum-up. For those of you not in the know, TvTropes is a site dedicated to noticing trends in fiction, and has a section for each work called 'Headscratchers.' The normal purpose of the Headscratchers page is for people to discuss flaws they've noticed in their favorite works, and hopefully work out the reason for said flaws and, generally, walk away with a new appreciation for it. However, with the Harry Potter Headscratchers page, things went... wrong. People will find the most ridiculous flaws in it, and tear apart anyone who dares to say they have an answer that makes said flaw... not a flaw. They have no interest in further appreciation for the series, they just come up with any flaws they can think of and tear it apart, refusing to accept anything showing the series to be even decent. It's basically become nothing other than a breeding ground for trolls and flamers, and is probably the greatest concentration of such, even over Youtube. There's nothing I can say that would really communicate just how horrible it is over there, and I'd say that you should just go check it out for yourself, except no one deserves to have to read through those pages. Just suffice to say that the page reads like it's written by Megan, Wolf, Dolores Umbridge, Fassad from Mother 3, and every other scuzzball in all of fiction, all at once. It... is... terrible. Save yourself, don't even bother with that place.

And that's the _short _version of what I could say. Anyways, hopefully we can cheer up a bit by next chapter. In the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcome, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	16. Random Quicky: A Night in the Cat Scales

Gamer4 in! Okay, cards on the table- I wasn't actually intending to update this quickly after last chapter. I've got quite a bit going on lately, I thought it would be next week at least before I got a chance to sit down and write. However, the more-or-less negative tone that I left the last chapter off with kind of left a bad taste in my mouth, (as talking about that place-that-shall-not-be-named- yes, the Harry Potter Headscratchers page is Voldemort, is wont to do to me.) And then I saw a truly wonderful video on Youtube, and thought, 'Well, if this isn't Random Quicky Material (TM), nothing is!' So, here I am, with another random quicky based on a Markiplier Animated short for you. Comic relief chapter this time. Let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: Like I said, another random quicky inspired by a Markiplier Animated short- specifically, King of the Werecats. If you like this, it's over on Youtube!

Random Quicky

A Night in the Cat Scales

or

How Meta Knight Became King of the Werecats

Mario's eyes snapped open as he sat bolt upright in his bed. "Oh, no," he muttered. "It can't be!"

He leapt to his feet and ran over to Link's bed, urgently shaking him awake. "Link, Link! Come on, get up!"

"Wha... what is it?" Link muttered groggily as he awoke.

"It's another random quicky!" Mario said urgently. "We have to get out of here!"

At the mention of a random quicky, Link snapped awake. "I thought your plan was to barricade us in the dorms anyways!" he said, eyes flicking nervously from side to side.

"That _was _my plan, but it found us here!" Mario said, speaking quickly. "Come on, we're getting out of here right now! Only pack the essentials, we're getting out of this mansion and spending the night in the Lost Woods!"

"The Lost Woods?" Link asked, panic crossing his face as he stuffed a few items into his pack. "How is that any safer?!"

"We can wait in one of the clearings in the maze," Mario said, pulling on his shoes and donning his cap. "No matter what that place throws at us, it's gotta be better than whatever a random quicky will!"

Link reluctantly nodded, and the two ran down the staircase into the main hub.

As they ran, they realized that they seemed to be expected. "Hello," said one half of the twin puffballs, grinning as he turned to see them. "What are you doing up at this time of night?"

"You'll get caught, you know!" said the other half, turning in his chair.

"Quiet, you two, we're getting out of here!" Link said, waving his hand for silence.

"This chapter's a random quicky!" Mario explained. "We're hiding out in the Lost Woods!"

"Oh, sweet, we know a good place to hide!" the twins said, jumping up. "The best hiding spot in the Lost Woods, period! Come on, we'll show you!"

"Wait, I have to get Zelda," Mario said, turning and attempting to run up towards the girls' dorms.

Immediately, the stairs suddenly changed into a slide, pelting Mario back down into the hub. "The heck?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Kirby asked, looking at him with surprise.

"I think he _doesn't _know, Kirb," Meta said, approaching.

"Know what?" Link asked, trying to disguise his laughter at Mario's fail.

"Oh, boys can't get up into the girls' dorm," Kirby explained. "Apparently, the people who designed this place thought they were untrustworthy or something."

"Well, that's not sexist at all," Mario muttered, rubbing his head. "I mean, Zelda can come up into _our _dorm... alright, I guess she's not coming with us, let's just get out of here!"

As the four climbed out of the portrait and began their trip out of the mansion past the (thankfully) still sleeping Toon Link, Link spoke again. "So, how did you two know about that?" he asked them suspiciously.

"Oh, what, you think we don't know a few things ourselves?" Meta asked, a false look of pain on his face. "You wound us, brother."

"You typically don't, you usually just goof around, it's usually Zelda that exposits everything."

"Hey, we know stuff too!" Kirby objected. "Just because we know how to have fun doesn't mean we don't learn a thing or two every now and again..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the four of them quickly crossed the grounds and entered the Lost Woods. Kirby and Meta Knight guided Mario and Link through the maze in a direction they hadn't gone on before, eventually coming upon a nice, big clearing.

"Alright, we should be able to wait it out here," Kirby said, plopping down.

"Nice place," Mario observed. The four pulled some rocks up in a ring, a few logs to sit on, and a few twigs and a spark of flame from the pyromancer in the group later, they were sitting around a nice campfire.

"Hey, you know what we should do?" Link thought out loud.

"No, what?"

"Well, we're out here for the night... how about some campfire stories?"

"I'm not certain-" Mario started, but he was cut off by the twins.

"What a wonderful idea, brother-of-ours!" chanted the two puffballs, breaking into identical evil grins. Link was looking like he regretted speaking within seconds.

"I've got an idea, bro!" Kirby said.

"And what would that be, brudda?" Meta responded.

"We'll do that chain-story thing! Each of us tells a bit of the story, and we'll see what happens!"

"That... actually doesn't sound too bad..." Link said tentatively.

"Alright!" the two chanted together.

"Well, Meta Knight?" Kirby said, grinning as he made a motion with one of his hands.

"What, Kirby?" Meta asked, looking over.

"Aren't you going to get us started? Get the ball rolling?"

"What? Of course not- you get us started!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You infinity!"

"NOOOOOOO! NOT AGAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIN!" Meta cried in anguish.

"Will you just tell a dang story?" Link asked, helping himself to some red vines he'd apparently brought with him.

"Okay," Meta said, suddenly snapping to his usual cheerful self. He took some powder out of nowhere and threw it on the fire. As he did, the fire suddenly started shifting into strange colors, and eerie music played out of nowhere. "It all started..."

"What is that stuff, talcum powder?" Link butted in, cutting the music off.

"And why are we ripping off two other series at once, all of a sudden?" Mario asked. "Nickelodeon and Brian Clevinger are going to sue us."

"Silence!" Meta cried. "I kill you!"

"And Jeff Dunham," Mario muttered.

"Alright, naysayers," Meta grumbled. "Lake house home, Catskills, kind of upstate New York, sorta... Kirby, go!"

"A lake house home in upstate New York?" Kirby asked, laughing slightly. "That's... that's a whole lot you're giving me to work with here."

"It is," Meta nodded. "I've given you everything you need, now it's up to you to make it happen."

"Alright," Kirby said, leaning back and musing. "So, yeah, all of us were in upstate New York, in a lake house, in the Catscales..."

"Cat _Scales_?" Meta asked, looking at his brother in surprise.

"Yeah, that's what you said."

"No, I said Cat_skills_."

"That's what I said!"

"No, you said Cat _Scales!_"

"Aren't those the same thing?"

_*Slam!*_

Everyone spun around to see Mario having slipped off his log. Meta began laughing like a maniac, and Kirby chortled as he said, "Oh, come on, Mario, no falling apart on us now, we're trying to tell a story!"

"You go ahead and do that, I'm not getting involved, just go ahead without me." Aside to himself, he muttered, "Cat _scales, _are you for real?"

"So, is it still my turn?" Kirby asked, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Oh, yeah, continue, you were talking about the Cat Scales?"

"Okay, yeah," Kirby said, rubbing the back of his head. "Okay, we were on a hunt for the legendary Cat Scales- you know, xylophones- for cats. But the thing is, none of us had brought any cats with us- I blame Link- so when we heard the Cat Scales being played, we knew that we were in trouble... alright, over to you, Meta!"

"Me?" Meta asked. "What about Mario or Link?"

"Well, Mario is falling off of logs, I'm not sure we can really trust him, and Link's... Link."

"I'm eaffin', hea!" Link objected over a mouthful of hardboiled egg.

"Case in point," Kirby nodded.

"Alright," Meta agreed, "Well, okay, um... yeah, we didn't have any cats with us, like Kirby said, and it was him and me, and Link, he was there, too, just kind of freaking out in the corner, having a panic attack..."

"Hey!"

"You don't tell part of the story, prepare to face the consequences!" Meta grinned evilly. "Anyways, yeah, he was freaking out, and he was crying, like, 'I don't believe it! The Cat Scales actually exist, I can't handle this, I've already wet myself twice... Oh, dear brothers of mine, who are so much cooler than I am, please tell us how we're supposed to fight this! We're doomed! Game over, man, game over!' And that's when I slapped him across the face and said, 'Get a hold of yourself, man! We're _going _to live through this, because we have the one thing all cats fear the most: Cool Ranch Doritos!'"

"Cool Ranch Doritos?" Mario asked, smacking himself in the face.

"Indubitably!" Meta nodded, tipping an invisible hat. "Anyways, as we all know, Link has a special chest of his that he's always carrying around that always has like twenty bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in it, so I headed over to it- and it has a whole bunch of goofy stickers all over it, I don't know if you've ever seen it, Mario- it looks like something out of Chronicles of Narnia, actually- he has a bottle of that stuff the White Witch used to turn snow into candy."

"Now, _that's _the most believable part of this story yet," Mario nodded, his arms crossed.

"Oh, come on, not you, too, Mario!" Link objected.

"And the pyromancer comes over!" Kirby cheered.

"Awesome," Meta smiled. "So, I reached past his bottle of candy-juice, and found the Doritos, and handed them to the other two, and said, 'Alright, we spread these things over the windowsills and on our phones and the Pool Table, a few for the computer, too, and we'll be safe from the cats playing those scales!' So that's what _I _did, but those two were over there having some weird sort of Dorito party, but really, I covered all the bases, so... actually, I forget what happened next."

"Well, thankfully, _I _remember!" Kirby stepped in.

"Oh, great, thank you so much!"

The twins burst into laughter. "I... I kept waiting for you to hand it off, but you just kept rolling with it, it's really an effort, seriously, props, man!" Kirby chortled. "Anyways... alright, so we had spread the Doritos all over the house, seriously, every entrance was entirely blocked with those things, so we were pretty sure we were safe... you know, from the Cat Scales... but unfortunately, we'd made a horrible error! They weren't actually cats! They were..." He spent a second or two thinking, before finally announcing, "Werecats! That's right, werecreatures that turn into cats! _Smashers that turn into cats!_ And that's when Link dressed up like the White Witch from Chronicles of Narnia, and ran out into the night, screaming, 'For Charn! Narnia is mine!' and he was waving this big rod, and they all turned to stone, and Meta and I were fawning over Link, saying, 'Oh, Link, you're so awesome!'"

A brief silence passed, during which Link looked at them in surprise. "Really?" he asked. "No, seriously, that's it? No catch? You're actually making me the hero?"

"Well, you _did _dress up like the White Witch," Mario pointed out.

"GO!" Kirby cried.

"Okay!" Meta nodded, grinning evilly to match Kirby as he began to speak. "Now, unfortunately, that's only the way _Link _remembers it..."

"I knew it was too good to be true," Link muttered.

"Yeah, that's _Link's_ version of the story," Meta smirked, "and what _actually _happened is that he ran out in this terrible cosplay of the White Witch, and he was shouting these random things, and, of course, nothing happened, because, sorry, Link, but you aren't the White Witch. Then again, the costume _did_ fit you pretty well, and all that... and the cats just ate him. Unfortunately, Link really _thought _he was the White Witch... what you gonna do?"

"When did this stupid story become about me anyways?" a grimacing Link muttered.

"So, yeah, we lost Link," Meta continued, "and it was just Kirby and me- oh, yeah, forgot to mention that Kirby was there, but he wasn't going to be much help, because he was just over there playing _Squeak Squad _on his DS... you know, that's kind of what he does, but then he suddenly looked up and said, 'These dang Werecats!'... Over to you, Kirb!"

"Oh, really? Hm. Anyways, yeah, I looked up from my DS, and said, 'These dang Werecats,' and I would have said something more vulgar, but we're not getting up to T until next story, so that's all I said, 'These dang Werecats...' and yeah, that's a heartfelt sentiment right there. I hate werecats, they're just the worst... so I ran over to Link's little Narnia-box, and reached _waaaaay_ down in there, and way down at the bottom was this little wet bag, and... holy Farore, I don't even _know _what was in there, only that it was gross beyond all belief, so I handed it over to Meta..."

Another brief moment passed as the twins, this time accompanied by Mario, broke down laughing, while Link continued eating with a sour look on his face.

Finally, Kirby got a hold of himself, and said, "Yeah, I didn't know what it was, so I palmed it off on Meta. To make sure he kept whatever it was, I told him it was the secret to defeating the werecats. I don't know how, but he believed it, and... what happened next, MK?"

"Well, as soon as I had it, I recognized it as this cruddy armor that Link bought from some street vendor- you have to have rupees with you, or you can't really move in it, and... well, I don't think Link really thought that purchase through- and it _did _stink, I'm fairly certain it was urinated on at some point... but it was all I had, and I just happened to have a giant bag of rupees with me, so I put it on and rushed out to confront them! I looked at them all, and said, 'You know what, you guys ate Link, and... Kirby's not gonna do jack _or _squat, let alone jack squat, he's just back there updating his twitter that he just ate a hot pocket... so I ran out there and took all those werecats out single-handedly, I didn't even need my power controller, I just beat them up with my bare fists! They didn't stand a chance, and... unfortunately, Link was never heard from again. The end!"

"What?!" Link asked, a look of pure horror on his face. "That's the worst story ever!"

"I don't know, I thought it was pretty good!" Mario laughed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Oh, come on, you're supposed to be the straight man, Mario! Say something snarky!"

"Well, I'll step in and say this much," Kirby butted in. "Unfortunately, again, that's just _Meta's_ version of the story." Link turned to his other brother with hope in his eyes. "Now, what really happened, is that Meta loved that pee-armor, he loved it so much that he just ran out and started frolicking with the werecats, and the werecats smelled the urine, and recognized it- I guess Link bought it from a werecat- and they accepted Meta as one of their own. In fact, they loved him so much that they made him their King! True story."

"And... that's the story of how I became King of the Werecats!" Meta cheered. "Yeah!"

"Sounds legit," Mario said, still chortling slightly. "Oh, boy, and I dared to doubt you guys..."

"Oh, hey, the sun's rising!" Kirby noted, looking up. The group looked up and saw that, sure enough, the sun was starting to rise over the horizon.

"Huh. I don't believe it!" Mario said, eyes widening. "We got to the end of a random quicky without anything bad happening!"

"Speak for yourself," Link muttered, his arms crossed.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, dark shapes began stirring in the trees around them. They heard the sound of a xylophone playing, and a menacing, feline growl...

"Oh, crud," Kirby said, a look of actual fear crossing his face as the four of them suddenly started backing into a group.

"Who thought it'd be _Mario _of all people to tempt fate?" Meta asked, grasping for his power controller.

"Yeah, sorry guys, this is my fault," Mario muttered, summoning some fire to his fingers. "You wouldn't happen to have any pee-armor, would you, Link?"

"Oh, sorry, couldn't fit it in next to all my Cool Ranch Doritos," Link retorted, helping himself to some chips as he spoke.

_XXXX_

Well... hopefully, those four will still be alive next chapter. I guess this is kind of a bonus chapter, so happy bonus chapter! See you next time with a main chapter, and an actual continuation of the last one! In the meantime, definitely go check out the original animation, and... well... please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, I _am _trying to make this the best story it can be, flames will _not _achieve that goal, and... Gamer4 out!

P.S.: A glitch in my computer forced me to upload this chapter twice. Sorry for any confusion! Gamer4 out.


	17. Nintendo vs Retro

Gamer4 in! Why am I so excited, you ask? Because my hunt for a job is nearly over! (Hopefully!) So, let's jump in!

Disclaimer: Is it ironic that none of my disclaimers are actual disclaimers? I don't know, is it any more ironic that Bill Murray played both Garfield and Peter Venkman (one of the titular Ghostbusters) in the live action films of both franchises, and when there was an animated adaptation of each show, both characters once more shared a voice actor? I don't know, it's just a riddle for the ages.

Chapter XIII

Nintendo vs. Retro

Once, there was a time when Zelda had been a close friend of Mario and Link. But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked- er, when Simba apparently ate Oreo. Mario was the man in the middle, but it was becoming very difficult to not take sides in the escalating conflict.

In a strange turn of events, Mario actually thought Link was in the right in the conflict- all the evidence seemed to indicate that Zelda's cat pokemon had devoured Link's chicken-lookalike- and Zelda had never exactly been fussed about ensuring such never happened. This was Link's main argument- had Zelda actually given a crud about keeping Oreo safe, he'd still be alive.

Zelda, however, was taking a route Mario would never have expected her to take- the Ace Attorney witnesses route. While she couldn't debunk the evidence that it had happened, she instead maintained there was no definitive proof- all Link's evidence was circumstantial, with nothing showing, without a doubt, that the Meowth had eaten the cucoo, and tried to turn things around, making Link look like the bad guy by saying he was simply prejudiced against the pokemon due to being pounced on way back in the fourth chapter.

Mario, as mentioned, was actually fairly certain Link was correct, and that Zelda was grasping at straws to remain in the right. He actually had a discussion with her about it at one point, but upon hearing that Mario dared to think her cat capable of such an act, Zelda had furiously ended the conversation and stormed off, accusing him of believing it only because Link believed it.

Kirby and Meta's method of solving the conflict involved trying to cheer Link up about the loss of his cucoo. "I mean, he only got a quick cameo at best in the stories before this one," Kirby pointed out. "What has he ever really done for you?"

"He attacked Wario way back in the eighth chapter of the first story," Link pointed out.

"Oh, well, that's definitely an achievement for the history books," Kirby snorted.

"Achievement unlocked!" Meta joined in. "'Left a scar on Wario's knuckle!'"

"Hey, don't downplay it," Mario noted from a nearby chair, where he was doing his homework. "I mean, he worked hard for that achievement- he had to actually _wake up_."

"Dangit, you already sided with those two last chapter!" Link growled. "Can't you take my side this chapter?"

"I don't remember last chapter all that clearly," Mario shrugged. "I'm still trying to figure out how we got out of there alive."

"Oh, simple," Meta said, raising a hand. "All we had to do was-"

XXXX

And so it came to be that the author cut him off mid-sentence.

In a last-ditch effort to cheer Link up, Mario offered him a ride on the Wild Wing if they headed down to the Smash-Up field early next practice session. While Link was still clearly upset, he was also eager to ride the greatest kart ever made, so when the time for the next practice came up, the two headed down to the stadium together, Mario with his keys in hand.

As it turned out, Coach Lakitu was just as impressed as everyone else with the Wild Wing. He gave the two of them a long, rambling speech about all the fine details on it when they summoned it up down in the stadium, complimenting nearly everything about it, until Mario finally made a coughing noise to indicate that the two of them would like to get on with it.

By this time, the rest of the team had shown up, so Link headed off to the stands to wait for practice to conclude before he had his ride.

The match being the next day, Captain Falcon gathered them all around for some instructions before they actually started practicing. He gave them each a few brief lines detailing the plays he had in mind, before turning to Mario.

"And as for you," he said, "I've finally dug up their roster, and I know who'll be the Retro seeker tomorrow. Some girl named..." here, he checked said roster, "... Pauline Dama. Third year. Kind of unfortunate that she's playing, I heard she got hurt during practice..."

Mario allowed himself a second to be disturbed at how seriously Captain Falcon took Smash-Up rivalry.

"I hear she's pretty good," Captain Falcon continued, making a gesture with his hands, "but she's only riding a Pipe Frame, and next to a Wild Wing, that's going to seem like _nothing_."

And so it came to be that Mario finally got into the Wild Wing's seat and took off.

It was better than anything he could have imagined. Everything around him was a blur of color and sound, and he could feel the exhilaration of speed. He noticed that despite the speed, turning was just as easy as it had been on his old Flame Runner- no sooner had the need to turn completely formed in his mind than he was turning in the direction he needed and taking off almost fast enough to cause a sonic boom.

Distantly, he heard Captain Falcon yelling something, and the next, he saw the smash ball floating around the opposite end of the stadium. It was no contest- he was over next to it and snatching it directly out of the air in only three seconds, to great cheers. His next move was to let the ball go, allowing it to float away before tearing after it again. This time, one of the Faron twins, acting as a rival brawler, sent a chain chomp his way. He outmaneuvered it with incredible ease, and another couple seconds later, had seized the smash ball once more.

Remember that positive feedback loop we were talking about in an earlier chapter? Well, this one put that one to shame. Emboldened by the Wild Wing's presence, the team was playing at the top of their game, to the point that, by the time they called it, Captain Falcon was almost in tears. He didn't have a single criticism to make, for which Kirby and Meta both cheered.

"Good work, team!" he announced as they finally called it. "There is nothing in Heaven, Hell, or anything in between that can stop us from winning tomorrow. Nothing except- hm... Mario, have you worked out the floow issue?"

Mario felt a slight dip in his confidence as he recalled his substandard final smash. Then again, Fox had said it should be good enough to get by, and heck if he was going to be the one to break his team's confidence, so... "Yeah, they won't be a problem."

"Awesome!" Captain Falcon grinned, flashing him a thumbs-up.

"Oh, come on, those floows aren't turning up tomorrow," Kumatora put in, shaking her head. "You saw what the Master Hand was like last time- he'd flip his lid. Even those floows wouldn't dare risk that."

"Alright, well, let's all turn in early tonight," Captain Falcon said. "I want you all up bright and early tomorrow- we have a curb stomp battle to dish out."

Mario cheered with the rest of the team, but lingered behind after the rest had made their way back to the mansion, summoning his Wild Wing back from hammerspace as Link eagerly climbed down the stands past a sleeping Coach Lakitu. Is it just me, or was that last sentence a little run-on?

"Your move," Mario smiled, standing aside to allow Link entry into the kart. Link grinned widely as he sat in the kart, running his hands over the wheel and sides. He took off, driving around the stadium at his leisure until Coach Lakitu awoke, and, angry at them for allowing him to sleep through it all, shooed them back up to the mansion.

Mario and Link were heading back up, utterly and truly fanboying over the Wild Wing, when Mario's eyes fell on a pair of pinpricks in the darkness. "Whoah, whoah, what's that?!" he asked, pointing.

Link spun around, his eyes meeting the same little pricks. "Can I get some light?" the swordsman asked, approaching slowly. Mario raised his hand and snapped his fingers, summoning an illuminating handful of flames.

It was Simba the Meowth, skulking around through the tall grass. The smile that had been on Link's face before evacuated as he glowered down at the feline shape. "And she still hasn't learned anything!" he growled. "Even after she's seen _proof _that that freaking cat will kill anything it comes across if it can, she _still_ won't even _try _to hold it back!"

He looked up at Mario for validation, but Mario, not eager to fan the flames of war, simply said, "Cat _pokemon_."

Perhaps sensing the reluctance in Mario's voice to follow this line of conversation, Link dropped it, and the two continued towards the mansion.

The truth was, Mario was relieved- for a brief moment, he'd thought those eyes belonged to the increasingly dreaded Blue-Eyed Beast (TM), and the last thing he needed was an accident, with the next match so near.

Yeah, he knew it was probably stupid- Zelda certainly thought so- but he was aware that he was subconsciously beginning to associate that dark, canine shape with disaster. Every time he saw it, it prompted a near-death experience, whether almost being run over by the Tonzura Brothers or falling from the top of a fifty-foot structure. He didn't know if it was coincidence, but with such an important match so near, he didn't want to run the risk.

XXXX

Dinner was a very noisy affair that night. Word of mouth (quite possibly receiving assistance from the Word on the Wind) had spread the news of Mario's Christmas present around the entire mansion, and Mario noticed many people throwing furtive glances at him as he and Link headed to their seats, as though expecting him to be driving it by. Link, as Mario had honestly half-expected, had eyes only for the look on Bowser's face- and Mario had to admit, it really was priceless- he looked like he was reliving the shoehorn incident.

Captain Falcon couldn't seem to help it- he had Mario sit down with the rest of his team, then ordered Mario to summon his kart to him, seemingly purely for the purposes of showing off. And... well, it worked. It took only seconds for the students in the hall to begin migrating over to Nintendo to catch a glimpse of the legendary kart. Even Donkey Kong, the Hal seeker, made his way over to congratulate Mario on finding such a good replacement for his Flame Runner.

One of the Retros made her way over, and Mario recognized the tall, red, female robot as Juana Itoi, Rob's girlfriend, who asked if she could touch it, at which Rob made his way over. "Now, now, can't have any sabotage, can we?" he asked.

"You really think she'd do that?" Meta asked.

"Well, we have a bet on the outcome of the match, you see. 7 rupees to the winner! That said," he added as Juana moved away, leaning in closely towards Mario, "I... really need you to win. I... don't actually have that kind of money, you see."

"Kind of irresponsible, isn't that?" Kirby asked, approaching with a smirk on his face. "Should the head boy really be making bets he can't keep?"

"I... I have faith in Mario to win!" Rob objected. "And... I really need 7 rupees..."

"Going out on a limb like that, there may be hope for you yet!" Kirby grinned.

"What have we got here, homy?" came another voice, much less welcome than anyone who'd come before. Mario turned to see Bowser approaching. He was making an effort to disguise his shock, and Mario had to admit that it was pretty decent. You know, aside from the fact that he was trembling like he had an electric shock being perpetually pumped into him.

"Word is, it's supposed to be pretty good," the turtle continued on, making a gesture with his hands. "Hope it'll make up for the abysmal karts the rest of Nintendo is stuck with." A snap of his fingers, and Ganondorf and Wario chortled at the hilarious joke their leader had just made. "Too bad it doesn't come with a glider, though. You'll need it if those floows come back."

"Yeah, and it's too bad the Offroader doesn't support an extra arm- that way you wouldn't have to worry about your arm getting disabled for a whole month by a scratch a three-year-old could walk off."

The rest of the Nintendo team snorted. Bowser, grimacing, returned to the Sierra table.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the next day dawned bright and early. The Nintendo team met up early for breakfast, then headed out to the locker rooms to change up. Mario threw a glance out onto the field- it was in the form of a gigantic pit of sand, with a fountain in the center, and multiple strange creatures that resembled giant cacti made up of small balls moving around with _extremely _derpy looks on their faces. It was certainly in much better condition than during their match against Hal.

Captain Falcon called for attention. "Alright, I know this is the part where I usually give my pep talk, but I really have nothing to say today," he announced. "Just do as well as you did in practice yesterday, and this match is in the bag!"

Kirby and Meta whooped and cheered. The team turned to the field and walked out, whereupon the tumult from the crowd around them slammed into them, full force. As was typical, the entire mansion had emptied- nobody ever skipped out on Smash-Up matches. The Retro team was advancing from the field's other edge. Mario's eyes scanned them, finally locating Pauline. She was dressed in the same blue uniform as the rest of her team, and as he was sizing her up, he could tell she was doing the same to him. He couldn't help but notice that her long, dark hair and pale blue eyes were incredibly attractive. Not that he usually paid attention to that sort of thing, of course...

Lakitu descended from the sky on his treasured cloud, lowering a large box to the ground on his fishing pole. He lifted the lid, releasing all four balls- the regular Smash-Up ball, the chain chomps, and of course, the Smash Ball itself. He then ordered Captain Falcon to shake hands with Fiora, the Retro captain. They did so, giving each other a respectful nod. They then returned to their teams and mounted their karts, the signal for the rest of their team to do the same. Mario pushed his key into an imaginary keyhole, summoning up the Wild Wing. Time to test this thing in a real match...

Lakitu lowered the usual traffic light.

Red...

Yellow...

Green!

The players all took off, the defense going to their respective goals, the offense lunging for the Smash-Up ball, the brawlers taking off after the chain chomps, and the seekers beginning their search for the Smash Ball. As Mario took off, he tuned in to the commentary, performed by Kirby and Meta's friend, Teddy Ellay, whose name sometimes changed to Gates, depending on which name the author remembered at the time. It was _really _good to hear it, after being unable to in the previous match...

"The teams are both off, and, of course, the main draw this match is the Wild Wing being driven by the Nintendo seeker, Mario Mario!" Teddy announced. "According to the Fourside Tribune, this is the very kart that the Smash-Up team for Germany has purchased seven of for the upcoming Grand Prix match this summer-"

"Teddy, do you think you could focus on the match for once in your career?" said the bored-sounding voice of Samus Aran, closely watching him as usual.

"Just some background information!" Teddy said happily. "Interesting bit of trivia. Alright, who's got the Smash-Up ball?"

There was the sound of Samus slamming her forehead into the desk. "Take me now, Lord," she muttered.

"Oh, there it is!" Teddy announced. "Alright, Paula Polestar in possession, streaking up towards the Retro goals..."

Mario made his way around through the sand, ducking around the strange cactus-creatures and the occasional chain chomp. Every now and again, Pauline would drive in from the sidelines, cutting him off and prompting him to make a hard turn to the right or left. He couldn't see how it was helping either of them find the Smash Ball, but it was starting to get somewhat aggravating.

"Oh, come on, now, Mario!" Meta Knight called as he steered by. "Don't let her slow you down, you're on a freaking _Wild Wing! _Show some acceleration!"

Mario shrugged and put some more weight on the gas pedal than the single gram worth that he'd been applying previously. Less than a second later, Pauline was just a blur in the distance. He then quickly slowed down and swung right to avoid the cactus he almost slammed into, turning back towards the center.

Suddenly, a great gasp rose from the crowd- Mario, turning, saw why. The Smash Ball had appeared directly in the stadium's center. He turned towards it and slammed on the accelerator. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the silver shine of Pauline's kart tearing towards the glowing sphere as well, but it was really no contest- Wild Wing vs. Pipe frame?

But then, disaster struck- one of the Retro brawlers fired their super scope at a chain chomp, sending it careening at Mario. He was forced to swerve to avoid it, almost knocking both him and Pauline out of their karts, but she managed to swerve as well, just avoiding the collision. There was a groan of disappointment- in all the confusion, the Smash Ball had vanished once more.

Play continued for a while, until Teddy was announcing, "And the score is a hundred to twenty, favor Nintendo! And will you look at that Wild Wing? It's really working as advertised, nothing I've ever seen even comes close to matching it, let alone-"

"Ellay, do you have some sort of deal with the kart companies to sell more freaking Wild Wings? Well, tell them they'll just have to run their ads in the paper like everybody else and _tell us where the Smash-Up ball is!_"

As play continued, Nintendo began to lose their early lead, as Retro began to score themselves some more goals. Nintendo was still winning, but Mario was really starting to burn for that Smash Ball.

And speak of the devil- just as Mario thought this, he turned and saw the Smash Ball floating near the Nintendo goals. He turned and slammed on the accelerator. He was almost there, when- Pauline came completely out of left field, planting herself firmly between him and his prize. He slammed on his brake and spun the wheel as hard as he could, trying to avoid a collision- again.

"Dang it, Mario!" shouted Captain Falcon, streaking by on his Blue Falcon. "This is no time to be practicing chivalry! Knock her out of her kart if you have to, just get that Smash Ball!"

Mario turned red as he nervously adjusted his hat. Pauline smiled at him- she'd achieved her goal. The Smash Ball had disappeared once more.

"Alright, no more Mr. Nice Guy," Mario muttered. Raising his voice, he said, "Try that again, and I'll listen to him!"

"Not very heroic, hm?" Pauline retorted.

"There are no heroes in Smash-Up," Mario smirked, turning and taking off again.

As he did, he noticed Pauline streaking after him. Well, that was certainly one of the oldest strategies in the book- don't look for yourself, follow someone else looking for the same thing, and beat them to it when they find it. "Well, two can play at this game," he muttered to himself. He looked up, picked a target, and abruptly accelerated. Pauline, thinking he'd seen the Smash Ball, took off after him. Mario allowed her to come pretty close to him- then suddenly made a hard turn to the left, allowing Pauline to plow headlong into one of the living cacti. Pulling back around, he called out, "You mess with the bull, prepare to deal with the thorns!"

Pauline simply stared at him from the ground she'd wiped out on. "... That was terrible," she noted. Mario shrugged and turned around again. And there... he saw it. Across the stadium, hovering over the very center, was the Smash Ball, glowing tantalizingly. He took off, rushing as fast as he could. Pauline, seeing, pulled herself together and took off after him. Mario had the lead, he was going to make it...

Suddenly, Pauline shouted, "Oh, my-"

Mario looked where she was looking and felt his stomach disappear. At the edge of the stadium, in the very direction he was currently hurtling towards, were two large creatures cloaked in darkness... floows!

Mario didn't pause to think- rather than slow down, he actually accelerated, just in time for the sand fountain to burst again, sending him hurtling upwards into the sky. He allowed the excitement of what he was doing to wash over him, and let it burst out from him. A gigantic wave of fire shot away from him, larger than anything he'd ever summoned before, almost appearing like a gigantic creature of some sort, hurtling directly through the air towards the floows. This done, he reached out and snatched the Smash Ball out of the air, before bringing his Wild Wing into just the right position that he landed on its wheels. A jolt, and he brought it to a stop, holding up the glowing sphere in his hand for all the stands to see.

"FINISH!" called Lakitu.

"Nintendo leads 200 to 120!" Teddy eagerly called out. "NINTENDO WINS!"

No sooner had Mario clambered out of his kart than he found himself being dogpiled by the rest of the team. From beneath the combined crushing weight of his Captain, three psychic girls and the twin puffballs, he could hear Nintendo's supporters going wild. Looking around, he could see Link leading a large crowd down to the field.

"You _did _it!" he cried. "You won! We won! _We won!_"

"Thank goodness," came Rob's robotic voice. "Well, seven rupees richer... waste not, want not! Must find Juana..."

"Mario! Mario!" cheered Diddy Kong, sitting on Donkey Kong's shoulders. Donkey Kong himself was whooping and beating his chest.

Pauline looked like she'd eaten a sour grape, but eventually, she reworked her face into a smile. "Good match, Mario, good match," she said quietly.

"Youz be da King of da World!" Crazy cheered, pumping himself in the air.

And then, a voice softer than any of them approached. "A well-made catch," it said. Mario spun to see Fox quietly smiling next to him. "Your father couldn't have done better. And a very interesting final smash, at that."

Mario felt excited enough to almost be able to produce another final smash on the spot. "I didn't even feel those floows!" he said, grinning ear to ear. "Didn't even feel a breeze!"

"Well, I wouldn't celebrate _too_ much," Fox said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Huh?" Mario grunted, his smile shrinking slightly.

"You see, the thing is... they weren't exactly... floows. Come on, see for yourself..."

Mario confusedly broke away from the cheering supporters and followed Fox to where the floows had appeared. The little happiness that had left Mario returned, full force, with friends. Lying on the ground was Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario, still bearing some of the dark veil Ganondorf seemed to have summoned to cover them up. Wario, it seemed, had been sitting on Bowser's shoulders, and the three had been completely bowled over by the fire sent their way. Standing over them, red-faced and furious, was Samus.

"-not only was it an attempt of sabotage, it wasn't even a _good_ one!" she was raging. "If you're trying to sabotage _my _team, at least have a ruse that won't be dispelled as soon as they realize they aren't getting cold! Fifty points from Sierra, detention for all of you, and I'll be taking this to the Master Hand!" Looking up, she added, "Ah, speak of the devil!"

Mario almost bent over laughing. If anything could have made the victory even sweeter, it was this.

"Come on, Mario!" came Meta Knight's voice. "We're having a party in the hub! Get your butt over there ASAP!"

"Right away, werecat king!" Mario called back. He fell in with the rest of Team Nintendo, leading the crowd away, back up to the mansion.

XXXX

Nintendo hadn't technically won the Smash-Up tournament yet, but you wouldn't know that from the party that ensued that night. Kirby and Meta, ever the party ringleaders, had spared nothing in making it the biggest bash Mario had seen yet. They had even brought in some treats that were typically only found in Kurain.

"How did you even get your hands on these?" Kumatora asked, examining a heart container before popping it in her mouth.

"Just ask Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde!" Kirby said mysteriously.

Mario smiled, but couldn't help but notice that there was one person not joining in- Zelda was sitting next to the fireplace, her face buried in a book entitled _Ancient Latin and You. _Fighting his way over, he took a seat next to her. "Did you at least come to the match?" he asked.

"Oh, of course, and you all did really well, congratulations, but sorry, Mario, no time. I need to finish this essay by Thursday..."

"Come on, at least have something to eat," Mario encouraged.

"No time!" Zelda repeated. "Besides... Link doesn't want me to get involved."

Mario opened his mouth to object, but, unfortunately, Link chose that exact moment to call out, "Too bad Oreo couldn't be around to enjoy these Lemonade Skies! He used to really like them!"

Zelda furiously slammed her book shut and made her way out of the hub, presumably heading towards the library.

Mario sighed. He headed over to Link. "Look, I agree, she was negligent, but can't you let it go- no, I'm not singing- at least for the party?"

"If she'd just admit she was wrong, I'd let it go- and I'm not singing either- for good, but she always has to be right," Link retorted. "She'll never admit she was in the wrong. She usually isn't, of course, but this time, she really is, and she _just won't admit it_. She won't even _pretend _to be sorry, she just keeps insisting that her dang cat didn't eat Oreo, and that the proof I have doesn't really prove anything- I mean, what does she need, a picture of the stupid cat _pokemon_ in the act?" He quickly added the italicized word after Mario opened his mouth to correct him.

Mario, seeing nothing more to be gained, dropped the subject and joined back in with the party. The party itself only stopped once Samus herself came into the room and ordered them all to go to sleep, reminding them that it was a school night. She then told them to tuck in their shirts and do the dishes. Then, with a slight smile on her face, she made her way back out.

Slowly, the party died down, and people began heading up to their dorms. Mario and Link stayed up a little longer, discussing the match, before finally allowing sleep to wash over them.

XXXX

Mario awoke, not to a beam of light filtering in through the window, but to a long, drawn-out, bloodcurdling scream. He quickly jumped up, looking around, feeling around for his hat. "What is it?!" he asked, looking around wildly as his eyes adjusted to the dark. "What's going on?!"

He finally found his hat and spun it around to put it on. Snapping his fingers, he illuminated the scene with a handful of fire. Link was sitting bolt upright in his bed, eyes staring, wide and frightened, and something that only he seemed to be able to see.

"Roy!" he cried. "Roy Alluvia!"

Mario sighed. "Bowser, if that's you again-"

"No, it's me! I have bread!" Link called out frantically. "Roy! He was standing over my bed with this big frakking kitchen knife!"

"PK Flash!" came a voice from the other end of the room, and Ness appeared with a ball of light in his hand, and a finger snap signified Luigi awakening as well, with a bolt of lightning in his.

"Are you sure you weren't dreaming?" came Diddy's voice from one of the darker corners.

"Can't you see these curtains?!" Link cried. "You think I did that _myself_?! He was here!"

Looking nervous, all five boys got up and rushed down to the hub. Plenty of the other Nintendo students were already filtering down, having all heard the scream as well. "What's going on?" was the general question floating around. "Who screamed?"

"What's going on, indeed?" came Kirby's voice. "Did someone just really, _really _want to rock and roll all night? And party every day? Because I'm totally on board with that, just saying."

"Everybody back to bed!" came the robotic, monotone voice that signified Rob approaching. "Why are you all up to begin with?"

For the first time since Mario had seen him, Link looked positively thrilled to hear Rob's voice. "Rob!" he cried. "Roy! Roy Alluvia broke in here, he was standing over my bed with a knife!"

"Oh, Link," Rob muttered, performing the robotic equivalent of facepalming. "I should have known. You know sugar gives you nightmares."

"Not a nighmare! And since when?! Rob, this is important-"

"What are you all doing?!" came another voice, and everyone turned to see Samus entering the scene. "I thought you were all in bed! Rob, did you let this happen?"

"No, of course I didn't sanction this, Ms. Aran!" Rob said quickly. "I'm sorry, it's my brother, he had a nightmare-"

"_I was awake_!" Link cried, looking like it was incredibly urgent they understand. "Ms. Aran, I woke up, and Roy Alluvia was standing over me with a five-dollar foot-long knife!"

Samus performed her nose-bridge-pinching maneuver. "Faron, do you really think Roy could have gotten past the portrait?"

"Why don't you _ask _the dang Toon?!" Link cried. "Yeah, he'd have seen him!"

Samus shook her head, but climbed back out of the hub nonetheless. They heard her voice from the other side. "Toon Link, did you let a young man into the hub just now? Red hair, blue armor, cape?"

"Sure did!" whooped Toon Link.

A dead silence fell over the hub, as everyone's faces shifted from being skeptical to being horrified- a difference reflected in Samus's voice as she spoke again. "You... you did? But... the password!"

"He said it!" Toon Link said happily. "Read the whole week's passwords off a piece of paper! Eventually he got around to 'This password is ridiculous,' and that's the password, so I let him in!"

The silence became complete once more, as Samus re-entered the hub. Fire was blazing in her eyes as she looked around at the students in front of her. "Who did it?" she growled. "Which one of you thought it was a good idea to write down every password for the week- and then lose that valuable information?"

A squeak rose from the crowd: "Meep!" Everyone slowly turned to see poor Luigi Luigi raising a violently trembling hand.

_XXXX_

Poor Luigi never gets a break, does he? Anyways, it doesn't look like we have any questions today, so I'll dive right in to signing off: please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	18. Wolf and the Bombers

Gamer4 in! I am on a roll lately, so let's dive right in to the next chapter!

Disclaimer: No disclaimer's gonna slow me down today!

Chapter XIV

Wolf and the Bombers

Needless to say, nobody in the Nintendo hub slept for the rest of the night. Everybody was staying awake, keeping an eye on the darkened parts of their dorms, waiting to hear if Roy was caught. However, fate was less kind- the next morning, Samus came in and informed them that Roy had eluded them once more.

Things were crazy the next day, with the teachers all hurrying around tightening security as much as possible. Mido was going around boarding up every crack through which air molecules could conceivably fit through, Pikachu was setting up turrets around the mansion programmed to shoot on sight if they saw Roy, and Toon Link had been forcibly removed from his place as Nintendo's guardian. Samus had been furious that he'd let somebody in who very clearly had no right to be there, and had been one degree away from vaporizing him with her glare alone. Rosalina had finally returned, but on the condition that she was given extra protection- and so it came to be that the halls in front of the Nintendo hub were supplied with several guardian pokemon, including snorlaxes, onyxes, and even an Entei. They, too, were trained to attack Roy on sight. The odds of Roy breaking in again thus lowered even more.

However, what Mario was watching out for was his entrance to Kurain village- the bookshelf with the clock next to it in the library. As far as he could tell, neither Mido nor anybody else had made any moves to block it off, making him suspect that it really was an unknown to everybody except him, Link, Zelda, and the Faron twins. While he was glad he'd still be able to get to Kurain, it made him more than a little uncomfortable. At one point, he finally turned to Link for council:

"You know, we still have no idea how he's been getting in here- maybe he really _is _using that passage? Maybe we should tell somebody-"

"He's not," Link shook his head. "Can't be. He'd have to go through Toad's candy shop, and any break-ins would have been reported."

Mario still wasn't completely comfortable, but he allowed his conscience to rest somewhat with this in mind.

Link, for his part, was suddenly receiving his 'Five minutes of fame'- everybody seemed to want to know the details of how he'd been attacked. Link never shied away from regaling everybody with the narrative, though it was a relatively brief story. "I woke up in the middle of the night, with this breeze blowing across my face. At first, I thought I'd just left my curtains open, so I leaned over to adjust them, I grabbed what felt like a curtain and pulled it shut. I lay down again, and I feel the breeze, so I get back up, and this time, my eyes have adjusted, so I realize it wasn't a curtain I was grabbing- it was a cape! And I look up, and there's Roy, leaning over my bed, my cape in his hands, carrying this big ol' knife! I yell, and he turns and just tears out of there!"

"Why, though?" Mario wondered out loud after one particular retell of the story. "Why did he run?"

"I've been wondering that, too," Link admitted. "I mean, I was the only one awake, why didn't he just kill me and then head over to where you were?"

The two looked at each other awkwardly- it wasn't the most normal of conversations. But it was true- Roy had showed already that he was perfectly willing to have collateral damage, and he was currently facing five unarmed schoolboys, four of whom were asleep, and the one who was awake was still convinced that his cape was a curtain. No matter how long Mario thought about it, he couldn't figure out why Roy had left instead of going just as axe-crazy as he had thirteen years earlier.

Well, he knew he was grasping at straws, but he thought he might have an at least _somewhat _valid explanation- "I guess he thought that your scream might wake up everyone in Nintendo, and then we'd wake up everybody else in the mansion, and he'd ultimately have to fight off everyone in the whole building just to get back out?" Again, Mario would have thought that Roy would be willing to take that risk, and wasn't his goal just to kill Mario anyways? But it was the best he could think of.

Luigi, on the other hand, had gone the opposite direction from Link- he'd endured almost nothing but nonstop abuse ever since the incident. Samus had given him a detention, banned him from going to Kurain for the rest of the year, (almost for the rest of the millenia, according to her,) and told Rosalina to never let Luigi into the hub without the password, no matter what- if he wanted to get in, he had to either remember the password himself or have someone else open the door for him.

But nothing Samus could throw at him compared to what his own grandmother had in store for him- a few days after the incident, she sent him a letter courtesy of the legendary Running Mailman, who read out a letter full of fury at the top of his lungs, then dropped a package containing a bomb, leaving Luigi pitch black and covered in soot.

Mario, who'd been implicated in a letter sent by that mailman before, sympathized so much that it wasn't until Parakarry started diving down and snapping at his head that he realized he had a letter, too.

"Alright, alright, I get it, here, I'll take it!" he said quickly, taking the letter Parakarry had tied to his leg.

It turned out to be from the Crazy Hand:

_Mario n' Linksies!_

_Me love you long time, but it be while since you be comin' over! How 'bout you be pay visit later night? Dat cool wit you, I be in da foya at six- you not be able to cross da grounds at night, not wit dat Roy guy hangin' round. _

_Hopes ta see you den! _

_Crazy._

"Oh, sweet, he wants to hear the story, too!" Link grinned.

Needless to say, Mario wrote a quick 'Right on' back, and he and Link made sure to put in their appearance at six in the mansion's foyer. Crazy, as he'd said, was waiting for them, in hand form, holding a gigantic lantern. "Oh, buddies!" he said happily as he saw them. "Thank you for your coming! Letz get ta gettin'!"

As they headed out of the mansion and began their trip across the grounds, Link spoke. "So, want to hear about Roy, right?"

"Nah, Iz be hearin' 'bout dat from da Word on da Wind already."

"Oh..." Link said, looking off-put. Mario could swear he heard Link mutter, "Stupid Word on the Wind, always making everything less exciting."

As they entered Crazy's cabin, Mario noticed a couple of things- first off, Epona was still sitting in there, sleeping on a bed Crazy seemed to have made for her. On top of that, hanging nearby was a special glove that seemed to have been made to resemble a suit. "Um... what's that for?" he asked.

"Epona got her trial goin' on soon," Crazy explained. "Gotsta dress fashionable for dat, first impression be all da better, say my half-brudda!"

"You mean the Master Hand?"

"Nah, my _udda _half-brudda! Me call him Nick! He not be representin' Epona- sometin' about not be a lawer no more- but he be givin' me tips how ta win!"

Mario was trying to cover up the sudden wave of guilt he was feeling at the moment- it seemed that ever since Christmas- and the Wild Wing- he and Link had completely forgotten about helping Crazy with his case.

Crazy offered them some of his home cooking, but Mario and Link knew better than to accept anything besides soda from the crazy old hand.

Finally, Crazy took a seat across from them. "Nows, me gotsta be talkin' to you twos." Mario and Link blinked- Crazy sounded pretty serious for- well, being Crazy.

"Yeah?" Mario asked, somewhat nervously.

"Zeddies," Crazy explained. "She be comin' down lot since Christmas- be feelin' little lonely. Sometin' 'bout da kart, n' da kukoo, n da kays... her cat be-"

"Her cat ate my cucoo!" Link objected.

"Cats be cucoo chasers," Crazy pointed out. "Me knows she bring down some on herself- not admit dat she be wrong, lotsa pride steaking here... n' I tells her! But I gotsta tell yous, two- you no get back togetha neither yous try! Someone gotsta make da first move, someone gotsta be da bigga person! I know I not be a sane hand, but I know whats friendship is!"

"About time we got a reference to that in," Mario noted.

"Mez be tinkin' dat, too!" Crazy agreed. "Anyways, she be tryin' ta do too much, you ask mez. Takin' every class on dat dis school can give her- on top dat she be helpin' me put Epona's case togetha-" as he spoke, he indicated an actual traveling case clearly designed for Epona- "n' her defense fur da trial, too. Mez be tinkin' she gotta chance, now!"

"Sorry, Crazy," Mario said right away. "We should have helped-"

"Me no blame youz!" Crazy said quickly, waving his apology aside. "Youz gotta full schedie yourself! Youz try ta do too much, youz end up insane n' livin' in a cabin! No make my mistakes! I say same ta Zeddies! Mez just wantsta be sayin'- well, try n' make up wit hers, a'ight?"

Mario gave a solemn nod. Link, looking wrong-footed, was actually eating a roll that Crazy had made.

Crazy continued. "She be really upset you almost die, Linkies. Have whole emotional episode down heres. Dat when I talk her, give her same talk I be givin' you nows- friendship be worth more dan karts, or cucoos- or, yeah, even cats."

"Well, cat _pokemon_," Mario pointed out.

"Or cat pokemon," Crazy agreed.

From there on out, the visit became significantly more cheerful, as they discussed Smash-Up, how the Smash-Up Grand Prix (in other words, the world championship) was going, and, of course, Nintendo's own improved chances at winning the Smash Bros. Smash-Up tournament.

Finally, at nine, Crazy led them back up to the mansion, waving them off in the foyer.

As the two of them ascended to the Nintendo hub, they heard a buzz of excitement, the reason for which became clear when the two entered and saw the bulletin board- the next trip to Kurain was right around the corner.

"About time!" Link noted happily. Lowering his voice conspiratorially, he asked, "So, feel like coming?"

Mario was on the point of giving a hearty yes when another voice spoke: "No, he doesn't!"

The two of them turned to see an angry-looking Zelda standing there. Link, who had previously been calmed by their talk with Crazy, suddenly turned red in anger. "Don't you think Mario can speak for himself?"

"Mario, I don't know about Link, but I'm sure _you _have some common sense left," Zelda snarled, "so listen when I say- if you _do _go, I'll tell Ms. Aran about the map! I really will!"

"Dangit, Mario, don't listen to her!" Link growled, stepping forward. "You were given that map for a reason, and-"

Mario raised his hands. "Look, I get it, you two are angry with each other, but for crying out loud, don't be using whether or not I go to Kurain as a proxy for your little war!"

With that, he turned and simply walked away.

However, later on, when Link and him both went up to the dorm, he turned to him and said, "Incidentally, though, yeah, I'm in. But I think it would be best if I took the old invisibility blanket."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the author once more turned to the research department to see if we've talked about something yet- namely, said blanket of invisibility. Just a sec...

Hm... once more, we've talked about it a bit, but haven't actually described what it is. Dangit, Gandora! Anyways, two years ago, Mario had received a very special Christmas gift- and no, it wasn't a bell only he could hear. In fact, it was a blanket, mostly white, but with color splashed around on one side, and very warm and comfortable, but with one other very special feature... why am I even bothering trying to be mysterious? You already know. Yeah, it turned whoever was wearing it invisible. What else did you expect from a blanket of invisibility?

Anyways, (I should really stop using that as a transition,) the day of the Kurain trip found Mario in the Entrance Hall, pretending to see off Link and Zelda. He went out of his way to make sure Zelda saw him returning up the staircase- somewhat ridiculously, he would later decide, as she knew about the secret passage anyways, but hey, as long as she didn't see him in Kurain, what reason would she have to suspect? It was a really-well laid plan, so well-laid Mario felt as though he might have made it with a mouse. Really obscure classic literature reference. Anyways, this done, he began climbing the staircase back towards the library. Eventually, he found himself in front of the bookcase hiding the passage to Toad's Candy Store. The clock, it seemed, always reset to 12:00 after the passage had been opened, so Mario was on the point of resetting the time to 3:33, like usual, when a voice spoke up behind him and nearly made him jump out of his skin.

"Mario? Watcha doin' with that clock?"

Mario spun around to see Luigi behind him. "Oh, Lu!" he gasped, massaging his chest. "Er... the thing is..."

"And why do you look so panicked? Why are you acting so suspiciously? And what's with the backpack?"

Mario was turning red pretty quickly, but you know, that old Mario Mario was so fast and so slick, he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick. And then Dr. Seuss's lawers sued Gamer4, causing a long delay. Or at least, we can pretend such.

"Well, Lu, the thing is, I came up here to do some research for Mr. Mccloud's class," Mario improvised, "you know, on gnosis, and I happened to notice this clock was off by a bit. I was just putting it right."

"Well, that makes sense!" Luigi said happily, instantly losing all suspicion. "But, you know, I needed some help with that essay, too. I just don't understand it- how can gnosis be in our story if we're supposed to be Nintendo-related, and gnosis are from a playstation game?"

Mario sighed. "Well, I suppose the fact that that series was bought by Nintendo counts?"

"Yeah, but there weren't any gnosis in the games made for the Nintendo systems, so-" Luigi's voice gave out as another voice entered the conversation- a very snide, wolflike voice.

"You two forget the most important thing- the author of this story is a moron." Both Mario and Luigi turned to see Wolf striding across the library towards them, glaring, as ever. "What are you two doing here?"

"Wolf!" Luigi gasped, jumping almost as badly as Mario had earlier.

"You don't have a taser on you, do you?" Mario asked cautiously.

"What are you talking about, you simpleton?" Wolf growled. Glancing up, he caused Mario to have heart failure as well as he began to scrutinize the bookshelf behind them. "A very interesting place to meet up, isn't it?"

"Oh, we weren't planning to meet here!" Mario quickly observed. "We just... kind of met up here. You see, I was up in the hub, thumbing through the want ads in the Fourside County Tribune, when this classified advertisement caught my eye. It said, 'Take immediate delivery-'"

"Enough with the incredibly obscure references nobody is going to understand!" Wolf snarled, eyes flaring up. "If you were up in your hub, then return there! NOW!"

Mario and Luigi, not daring to disobey, turned and dashed out of the library, heading up the stairs. It was only on the sixteenth floor that Mario finally halted his flight, gave a vague excuse about having forgotten his essay back in the library, and turned back, heading down the stairs, stopping only to consult the Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that Wolf had headed back down towards his office.

This in mind, he quickly descended the steps, made his way back into the library, and finished his turning of the clock hands, opening up the bookcase, and entering.

XXXX

"About freaking time," was all Link had to say when he finally felt Mario in Toad's Candy shop. "You know how difficult it is to wait for someone who's gonna be invisible when he finally _does _show up?"

"Sorry," Mario apologized, having sprinted all the way there. "Got held up... Wolf."

"Well, whatever, it's not that big of a problem," Link shrugged. "Let's get going."

And so it came to be that the two of them set out into Kurain, with Link showing Mario the sights as best he knew how. They went to the Hocotate Freight Warehouse, where tours were routinely given detailing the company's great history (though, given that the only employee in its history with any sort of merit was Olimar, of all people, Mario thought they might be bragging just a bit,) followed by a trip over to the Twoson Joke shop, run, as they quickly found out, by Paula and her parents. It became immediately obvious where Kirby and Meta got a great deal of their sense of humor from. At both this location and back at Toad's Candy Shop, Mario had made some purchases- in the form of giving Link some money and orders. Not either of their preferred method of transaction, but lest Zelda showed up, the only one really open to them.

Finally, the two of them came upon the decision to travel to the outskirts of the village, where the famed haunted house, 'Spooky's House of Jumpscares' awaited. According to the spiel Link gave as they approached, this place was the only thing in the entire multiverse with more backstories than Professor Andonuts- every individual person who was aware of the building's existence had their own explanation for its extremely frightening reputation. Mario was skeptical at first, but this disappeared when they arrived- the House was, indeed, one of the most frightening buildings he'd ever seen. He couldn't even properly say _why_, but something about it just freaked him out.

"So, who's Spooky?" he wondered out loud, as the two of them looked at it from its distance.

"Huh?"

"It's called Spooky's House of Jumpscares, so I'm assuming there's someone named Spooky involved."

"Well, that's just part of one theory- a girl named Spooky- who happened to be a spirit medium- got killed off during the Witch Trials- you know, because people were mentally balanced- and she's haunting the building."

"...Are we even anywhere near Salem?"

Link froze, seemingly pondering the question. "You know, I don't actually know _where _we are. I mean, we always kind of rely on the Great Fox to get us here..."

As the two were trying to figure this one out, a very unwelcome voice made itself heard. "So, yeah, that stupid cucoo is going down, no question about it, with my Dad on the case."

Mario and Link both spun around to see the forms of Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario making their way up the hill towards them. Ganondorf and Wario, as ever, were chortling at whatever Bowser said.

"What do you mean?" Link called out, somewhat unwisely, in Mario's opinion.

The trio looked over, and their eyes lit up when they saw the green swordsman alone- or so they thought- on the vista overlooking the Jumpscare House. "Ah, Faron, we were just talking about the trial going on over the Hand and his little runt of a bird," Bowser grinned. "The Old Man's prosecuting, you know."

"You're Dad's a prosecutor, now?"

"Well, not _exactly_, but he knows the right people to pull in the proper favors. This way, he gets to make sure the case is entirely fair- just him as the prosecutor vs. that insane Hand as a Defense Attorney."

"You call that fair?" Link growled. He was reaching for his sword, but Mario touched him on the back, muttering a quick, "You stall him, leave it to me," before heading off. Link didn't exactly look happy about it, but he lowered his hand, and continued talking. "So, your case is built around how much of a wimp you are, right?"

Bowser's eyes narrowed. "Around how my arm got disabled for three months, yeah."

"Like I said," Link affirmed.

Bowser, grimacing even further, put his McDonald's bag aside and stomped forward a little more. "What's it to you, anyways, Faron? Want to be a prosecutor when you grow up? Might actually earn some money that way, huh? I heard your family all sleep in one room!"

Mario flinched, glancing backwards, wondering if Link was going to crack. Thankfully, however, he seemed to be keeping together for the moment, despite having turned red with rage and almost hopping up and down with excess energy. Turning back, Mario suddenly discovered a vast pile of items next to a tree- smart bombs, assist trophies, pokeballs, a home run bat- it was all here! He had no idea where it had all come from, but heck if he was going to question it. Looking behind him, he saw Bowser gloating again. "So, do you think that idiot of a hand will cry when they lop off his bird's-"

*Ker-splat!*

Bowser felt something gooey hit him in the back of the head. Feeling at it, it felt like an entire lump of some jelly-like substance had hit him there. Looking around, he saw a sudden look of fear in the eyes of his cronies. "What's up with you two?" he asked, just as the gooey bomb exploded, knocking them all back and turning them pitch black and covered in soot.

"What the-" Bowser growled, turning around to see Link, suddenly losing all his redness, beginning to laugh.

"I believe you were saying something funny?" he asked, hand over his mouth.

Bowser snarled as he stood up again. "Yeah, I was saying that the hand will probably be crying when-"

*Zap!*... went the sparky as it rushed by, electrocuting all three of them, knocking them down once more. Next, a baseball bat came hurtling out of nowhere, knocking Wario upside the head. "D'oh, I missed!" said fat man exclaimed before collapsing to the ground.

Mario, grinning, reached for another item- the gust bellows. Bowser and Ganondorf, the only two still conscious, suddenly found themselves fighting a rush of wind trying to push them towards Spooky's House.

"What... the heck... is this?" Bowser growled, trying to dig his heels into the earth.

"What can I say?" Link gasped, struggling to talk through his own laughter. "This place is haunted, isn't it?"

Bowser snarled, forcing himself forward at exactly the moment that the wind in the bellows ran out, causing him to faceplant into the ground. Mario quickly tossed the bellows to the side and reached out to grab another item- an assist trophy.

Suddenly, something that resembled a fat, yellow ball of fur slammed into Bowser and Ganondorf. After tossing it around for a while, they realized it actually had short, stumpy arms and legs, with longer arms that seemed to double as ears stretching out of its head. The strange creature finally landed on the ground and pulled a strange hammer-like thing with the head of a lion off of its back. "Heropon Riki live to serve! Come, sidekick Mario, join the Heropon!" With this, the creature slammed his hammer into Ganondorf, freezing him solid in a block of ice.

"Wait, Mario?" Bowser spoke out loud. "Mario? Mario. Marioooooooo? Mario..." his voice began to grow louder and more angry sounding. "Mario... Mario... _Mario... _MARIOOOO! MARIOOOO!"

He turned and rushed off towards the mansion, still shouting that name over and over again, abandoning the frozen Ganondorf and unconscious Wario, though not Riki, who chased him all the way, occasionally reminding him of his presence by slamming his hammer into him again, with accompanying electric shocks and bursts of fire or ice.

Mario, amused as he would normally be by this, was less amused by the idea that Bowser knew what had happened. Link seemed to have realized it too. "Quick, Mario, you have to go back!" he called. "I'll try to figure something out- you just get back to the mansion, _now!_"

Mario hadn't even stuck around for the first few words- he was already sprinting back down the path towards the main village, not even pausing to notice whenever he knocked people aside, rushing into Toad's Candy Store, into the basement, and through the passage. As he ran, he reached for the Bombers' Guide and quickly muttered, "So long, and thanks for all the fish," wiping the paper blank. Pushing it back into his pocket, he continued sprinting down the hall. At the bottom of the stairs at the other end, he dropped his blanket- it would be too incriminating if it were found on him- and ran back up the stairs and into the library, quickly shutting the bookshelf behind him. He was on the point of making his way out of that room when the sound of footsteps made themselves heard. He spun around, and his heart sank as- who else?- Wolf O'Donnell appeared in front of him. "So," the anthro muttered, glaring down at him. "So. So, so, so. Reap what you sow."

Mario was terrified, but he didn't intend to let Wolf realize this. He did his best to maintain the facade of someone who just happened to be in that section of the library. He didn't even take the usual straight man line of "So what?"

"With me, Mario."

Mario didn't dare disobey, resulting in him following Wolf down three stories, into the dungeons, and ultimately into Wolf's office. His last time being in here had been one of the most nerve-wracking of his life- and things hadn't really changed that much. Looking around, he could see that there were a few more strange creatures being preserved in jars than there had been last time, making him even more sick to the stomach than on that occasion.

Wolf turned on Mario. "Mr. Dragmire was just here to see me, and he had a very strange story to tell."

Mario felt the opportunity come for all sorts of snarky remarks, but, still being terrified, held back as much as he could.

"He tells me that he was going through Kurain Village, when he came upon Link Faron, standing outside of Spooky's House of Jumpscares. At the time, he seemed to be alone. Anything to say yet?"

Mario shrugged, struggling to look nonchalant.

"Abruptly," Wolf continued, "a flurry of items and power-ups came hurtling through the trees, assaulting him as well as Ganondorf and Wario. Any idea how this might have happened?"

"Well, Spooky's House of Jumpscares is a pretty haunted place-" Mario started.

"Don't lie to me!" Wolf suddenly burst out, slamming a claw on the table between them. "One of these items was an assist trophy calling itself the 'Heropon,' and it specifically named you as its sidekick!"

"What's a Heropon?"

"I don't know, but it's most certainly a reliable testimony!"

"Can you be sure? I mean, technically, he was only born earlier today-"

"I am a teacher, and thus know true testimony from false! He is correct because I say so!" Wolf growled. "And to prove it... empty your pockets!"

"Come again?"

"You heard me! Take everything in your pockets out of them! You should have nothing to fear if you are as innocent as you claim!"

Mario winced, but nonetheless gritted his teeth, closed his eyes, and did as Wolf had asked, emptying his pockets of all the candy and joke items within, and, finally, the Bomber's Guide. Wolf glowered down at it all. "So, it comes to this, does it? You're very like your father, Mario Mario. He, too, saw the world as nothing more than his playground, seeing others as nothing more than things he could use to benefit himself. Always strutting around, his head so swollen-"

Mario abandoned his previous policy of silence. "SHUT IT!" he shouted.

"What did you say?" Wolf growled after a moment of appearing taken aback.

"I told you to shut your face!" Mario growled. "Because it's fully possible to literally shut your face!" Great, now he was playing the straight man to _himself. _"Look, the Master Hand told me the truth about you and my Dad already, okay? He saved your life! Someone saves your life, and you're just so proud you decide the best way to repay him is to keep insulting him every day onwards, like you're on the Harry-"

"Stop! Right... there," Wolf shouted. However, after this, he seemed to not only be much more calm, but actually smiling. "So, the Master Hand told you that, hm? Well, I'm guessing you got the abridged version of that story- did he tell you about the exact circumstances under which my life was endangered to begin with? _Well_?"

Mario froze. The Master Hand had, indeed, neglected to mention this.

"Well, I wouldn't want you walking away with a false idea of your father as a hero, Mario Mario. The fact is, he was the one who'd put me in that position to begin with. It was a joke to him, you see, a joke between him and his miserable friends. Had it fallen through, I would have indeed been killed. Your father, however, got cold feet at the last second. He didn't save me because of altruism- he saved me because if I died, he would have gotten expelled. It was nothing but petty self-interest that stopped him from standing by-"

"Well, you'd know all about petty self-interest, wouldn't you?" Mario retorted.

Wolf glowered for a second, then reached down and, to Mario's horror, grabbed the Bombers' guide. "What is this?"

Mario choked. "A... bit of paper that I was carrying around. I was planning on writing an essay on it."

"Oh, really?" Wolf muttered, staring it over. "A little old for essay-paper, isn't it? Wouldn't it be better if you got something newer, and I'll just get rid of this?"

"No!" Mario said quickly.

Wolf gave a snarling sort of smile. "I see. So there really is more to this paper than meets the eye." Suddenly growling again, he took the boombox that had randomly appeared to play the Transformers theme song and smashed it against the ground. "What is it, then?"

He pointed directly at the paper and declared loudly, "Reveal unto me your true nature!"

And, to Mario's horror, words appeared- though to his slightly lessened horror, they didn't say exactly what he'd expected.

_Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde warmly greet you, Mr. O'Donnell, but also wish to note that they are not deaf, and also to request that he keep his snout out of others' business- assuming he's capable of that._

Mario struggled to hold back a snort. But the Guide was still going. _Spaceman Spiff, in fact, wishes nothing more than to give Mr. O'Donnell full permission to go hammer a Pikachu._

_Captain America agrees, and would like to add that Mr. O'Donnell is a floppy-blastered gerudo-boggerer. _

Mario desperately wished that this was any other situation, and that he could laugh out loud at this. However, under the given circumstances, this was only pushing him further and further towards expulsion.

_And finally, Strider bids a fond farewell to Mr. O'Donnell, and advises that said son of a goomba go eat some Arwing Taint- whatever that is._

The Guide was finally done. Mario winced when he saw the expression on Wolf's face.

Finally, the anthro moved again. Against all odds, however, he didn't move against Mario, but towards a shelf where he grabbed a jar. This jar wasn't full of goo and a once-living organism, but with a stockpile of small blue cubes. Mario realized what the wolf was doing a second or two before he did it- he took a blue cube from the jar and dropped it into the ground, calling out, "FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!"

The floor seemed to absorb the cube, and a second later, a large metal pipe appeared, and out of it sprouted Fox Mccloud. "You called, Wolf?"

"You know it," Wolf growled, furiously picking up the Guide. "I just found Mario carrying this!"

Fox's eyes widened as they fell on the words, but only for a moment.

"Your impression?" Wolf growled. "This object is clearly tied very greatly to the Evils- your area of expertise, if I recall."

"The Evils?" Fox blinked. "Not sure I see where you're coming from- it's just a paper that's insulting you for trying to read it. Sounds like something he could have gotten from one of the Faron twins, but surely nothing that's actually dangerous?"

"From the Faron twins?" Wolf growled. "I don't think so. I think he may just have got it from the people who made it in the first place."

"The- the people who made it in the first place?" Fox blinked in confusion. "You mean, Mr. Hyde, or this...er, Walker, Texas Ranger, or something? Mario, do you know anyone like that?"

Mario quickly and earnestly shook his head.

"Well, there you go," Fox nodded. "Though, if you genuinely request it," he added, taking the paper from Wolf, "I'll take it and look into it a little closer. Just to be on the safe side, you understand."

Suddenly, the door burst open, and everyone turned to see Link there, panting and gasping. Finally, he said, "I... got that stuff for Mario... on the last... trip... oh, boy..."

Fox gave a smile that Mario couldn't help but feel seemed pretty forced. "Well, there you go. Mario, if you'd put everything back in your pockets and come with me, I want to have a talk about the gnosis essay."

Mario nodded, not daring to deny him, and he and Link followed him gratefully out of the dungeons and up to his office.

As soon as they'd entered said room, Fox turned to them, his smile dropping. "Well, I suppose the obvious question to ask at this point is 'Where did you get this guide?', but I don't intend to ask it."

Mario's jaw dropped, but Fox waved him aside. "Yes, I know what it really is. I also happen to know Mido took possession of it a long time ago. Now, I don't want to hear any explanations, and I won't even ask how you got your hands on it in the first place. None of that is the point. What _is _the point is the frankly _astounding _stupidity you showed in not handing it in."

Mario felt as though a blow had been dealt to his stomach. He'd been relatively fine taking it from Wolf, but hearing it from Fox, a teacher he actually held in some esteem...

"Any other year, I suppose it wouldn't be overly bad, but it never occurred to either of you that, if Roy were to get his hands on this, it would have _devastating _effects for you? I am _severely _disappointed, and I won't be returning this."

Mario had expected this, and made no effort to object. Besides, he had more pressing matters on his mind. "Why did Wolf think I got it directly from whoever made it?"

"Because, frankly, I know the people who made it, and they would have thought it was _hilarious_ to see you possess it." Briefly, Fox shook his head. "But we're off track again. Don't expect me to cover up for you again. I can't make you take the threat posed by Roy Alluvia seriously, Mario, but I will say this- your parents died so that you could live, and gambling that sacrifice for a bag of tricks and sweets seems to be a pretty poor way to repay them. That's all. Back to your hub."

As Mario and Link left the room, they seemed to mutually feel that the last time they'd felt anywhere near this bad was back when they'd been caught flying the Sky Runner into the Flaaghra. "I'm sorry, Mario," Link quietly apologized. "It's my fault- I convinced you to come..."

"You didn't make me," Mario shook his head. "It's on me more than it's on you..."

As they arrived back up in front of Rosalina, flanked by an Onyx on one side and an Arbok on the other, they saw Zelda standing there. However, even as Link flared up again, Mario couldn't help but notice tears falling down Zelda's face...

"Dangit!" Link growled. "What is it? Come to gloat? Rub it in our faces?"

"No," Zelda said quietly, the sorrow in her voice drowning out any reaction to Link at all. "It's just... I got this letter from Crazy just now. He lost Epona's trial. She's going to be executed."

_XXXX_

Starts off chapter talking about how pumped he is to write, fails to post said chapter for multiple weeks. Sorry, once more. Just as I was starting this chapter, crud hit the fan once more. Gandora, that friend of mine that I'm always talking about, is moving away soon, so I'm helping him get things together. Also, I've started training to get a job, which has also gone towards lessening the time I have to write. Hopefully, this won't be a consistent thing- I hope to update at least weekly from here on out, but given how busy I've been, and am about to be, I can't promise anything. Well, that's not strictly true- I promise to do my best. That's all I can offer.

On a less somber note, let's dip into our reader mailbag! Our first round of questions comes to us from riverraiden!

Q: Where do the references, "DIE, RADIAN!" "Hey, buddy, how's it going?" and the 'thirteen people dining' superstition from 'The Wild Wing' come from? A: Die, Radian, is a line from the game _The World Ends with You, _which I had just gotten and was playing at the time that I wrote that chapter. It's gone memetic since. 'Hey, buddy, how's it going' is a line frequently uttered by famed Youtube Let's Player Chuggaaconroy whenever something surprises him. And, finally, the thirteen dining superstition is ripped from the books themselves- it was an actual superstition feared by Trelawney.

Q: Won't the 'Final Smash' system complicate things in the fifth story? A: Believe me, I've thought it over, and if I get to that point, I'll have overcome things much more complicated. I spend a lot of time thinking about this story, even if the gaps in writing would indicate I kind of fail at writing it.

Q: Who's Megan? A: I was referring to the Megan from earlier on in this story, Mario's horrible aunt who he ended up blowing up. I can't really blame you for forgetting her, it's been a while.

Aaaaaaaand... apparently by 'first' round of questions, I meant 'only' round of questions. Moving along, I'll just sign off here. Hope to see you again soon, but in the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism will receive a warm welcome, much warmer (ironically) than flames will, Gamer4 out.


	19. The Smash-Up Finals

Gamer4 in. In an attempt to get this chapter up in an at least somewhat timely manner, I'm starting it only an hour or so after posting the last one. See you on the other side.

Disclaimer: No disclaimer for you, we don't have enough time!

Chapter XV

The Smash-Up Finals

Her mood not improved by the shocked looks on both Mario and Link's faces, Zelda shakily raised the letter she'd produced. "I got this earlier.

The two both bent over to read it.

_Zeddies..._

_Wez be losin'. Iz do what you say, n' show dem da release form Bowser n' da uddas sign, sayin' day not be insultin' da loftwings, but Ghirahim object 'cause it be devastatin' ta his case. It upheld_*_. All my evidence be for nuttin'. Ghirahim give out doctored video of me sayin' you gotsta insult dem. I object, nuttin'. It solid evidence._** _Epona gettin' her execution date set up nows. Iz so sorriez... but me not be forgettin' da help you give. It over... it all over now..._

_Crazy. _

"Oh, come on, this is ridiculous! All the evidence points towards it being Bowser's fault!" Mario objected.

"Mario," Zelda said, tears in her eyes, "I hate to say it, but Crazy was doomed from the moment he was the defense. Smashers _hate _lawyers, so the case was already kind of lost, no matter what the evidence said. Kind of like in the muggle world, to be honest."

"Not that Gamer4 has an opinion," Link noted.

"Or, if he did, not that he'd let it spill over into his stories. Wave Existence forbid," Mario agreed.

"And even if that wasn't the case," Zelda continued, as if she hadn't heard, "you know what Ghirahim's like. He had half of the people in that courtroom in his pocket right off the bat. Threats... bribes... I wouldn't put much past him... I mean, there's always the appeal, but nothing will have changed..."

"You're joking, right?" Link interrupted. "Of course there'll be a change, and a pretty freaking big one, I say! You're going to have my help! And Mario's, too!"

Zelda looked up, a slight look of surprise on her face. "L- Link!" she cried, embracing him. Link looked down at her awkwardly. "I- I'm sorry about Oreo!" she cried. "I should have kept more watch on Simba!"

Link looked even more awkward at this, but did his best to comfort her. "Well, he _was _getting pretty old, he probably would have kicked off soon, anyways. What does it really matter if it was your cat or whatever?" Here, he looked up at Mario, as though daring him to say it, but Mario raised his hands in surrender. Smiling, Link continued. "You never know, maybe I can even get an albatross, now."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the Smash Bros. 'Golden Trio' finally reunited. Upon doing so, their first order of business was to go and talk to Crazy- or to try to, at least. Unfortunately, the newly intensified security meant they'd probably be fried by Entei before they could get down to Crazy's cabin, so the only time they really had to talk to him was during their Smashing Creatures classes.

Crazy was so shocked by what had happened that he was talking perfectly sane- which, to anyone who knew him well, was a much worse sign than his normal sporadic speech patterns. "It's... it's my fault," he said, when they finally got the time to talk to him about it. "I... I kept losing track of what I was trying to say... losing track of my notes, and the evidence Nick put together for me... and after all that trouble he went to..."

"Hey, there's still the appeal!" Link objected, stepping up to the plate. "We're already getting started on preparing your side for that!"

However, Crazy didn't seem to take all that much consolation from this, not that Mario particularly blamed him. Throughout the whole lesson, the old hand failed to utter a single bit of botched English, causing the three of them more and more concern the longer it went on. Perhaps this was something of a catalyst for what happened next.

The three were on their way back up to the mansion when they heard some chortling voices behind them. Turning, sure enough, was the Smash Bros. 'Dark Trio', stalking up the hill behind them. Bowser was shooting his mouth off, as usual. "Too bad the Hand won't be getting the boot, but this is about the next best thing! I only wish he'd been a human, so I could see the pathetic look on his face! Call himself a smasher!"

Mario and Link were on their way to attack, but, somewhat unexpectedly, Zelda outstripped them- even shifting briefly into Sheik to gain the advantage of speed. As she approached, she shifted back into herself, leapt forward, and _body-slammed _Bowser into the ground, pressing one hand against his throat to keep him from getting back up, and raising her other hand, shouting, "Din's Fire!" to summon a handful of said flames to her hand. Ganondorf and Wario's jaws dropped, and they seemed too shocked to even move, let alone try and pull her off. Bowser himself seemed to be trying to withdraw into the ground, his eyes fixed on the fire in Zelda's hand.

"You... you... you evil little..." Zelda growled, incoherent with sudden rage. "You foul, loathsome excuse for a boo-%^ #ing stalfo!"***

Mario and Link's jaws joined Ganondorf and Wario's on the ground. Zelda _never _talked like that. "Holy Farore, Zelda, have mercy on him!" Link called out. "He's not worth it!"

Zelda continued glaring down at Bowser, whimpering pathetically. Finally, she slowly got up, taking care to press her knee into his chest as she did so. She extinguished her handful of fire, and turned, beginning to make her way back to the others... until she heard Bowser beginning to chuckle with Ganondorf and Wario behind her- "Knew she didn't have it in her, the filthy wolly-"

*WHACK!*

Zelda had abruptly spun around and punched Bowser in the face with enough force to send him back to the ground. When he got up, his eyes were wide as he felt his now-bleeding-freely nose. "Come on!" he called to Ganondorf and Wario, and the three sprinted away from them, back up towards the mansion.

Zelda, still breathing heavily, turned back towards Mario and Link. "...That felt good," she admitted.

"Not good..." Link shook his head. "_Freaking awesome!_"

Mario, still struggling to reattach his lower jaw, simply nodded mutely.

"Mario!" Zelda added, turning on him.

"Yes, ma'am!" Mario quickly said, standing upright.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Just one thing- you better _win _that Smash-Up tournament, you got it? Sierra is _not _going to win this year! It's _not _going to happen!"

Mario nodded fervently.

"Come on," Link said, still looking at Zelda with astonishment in his eyes. "We're gonna be late for Power-Ups..."

And so it came to be that the three of them turned and headed back into the mansion at last, and down into the dungeons.

"Late again, Mario, and you too, Faron," Wolf sneered as he saw them entering. "Twenty points from Nintendo."

Mario and Link muttered "Yeah, yeah," in near unison as they took their seats. It was only after they had done so that something strange occurred to them- "Wait, twenty?" Link wondered, looking around. "Not another ten for Zelda?"

"For that matter... where is she?" Mario agreed. "She was right behind us..."

However, no matter how much they looked, they couldn't locate Zelda anywhere in the room, and soon, the power-up of the day demanded their time. Today was a truly strange power-up called a Ha Ha Ha, enunciated as simply laughing like a maniac. It had been truly disturbing to see Wolf telling them the name of the power-up, needless to say. It was intended to make the ingester feel much happier than normal- in a rare instance of something vaguely resembling empathy, Wolf was allowing them to make such power-ups in order to calm them about their upcoming exams. This caused Mario and Link to begin looking around, wondering if they'd somehow stumbled into an alternate dimension.

No matter how late the class went, however, Zelda never showed. This would have worried the two of them, but they'd overdosed on the amount of red pollen necessary to make the Ha Ha Ha have the desired effect, and thus were a little too overjoyed by everything to really be concerned with anything- even the further twenty points they'd lost Nintendo for said overdose.

It was only on the way back up through the mansion towards the hub that the power-up's effects began to wear off. "I mean, come on, this is Zelda, she _never _misses classes," Link pointed out as they approached Rosalina, skulking under the glare of the nearby Hitmonlee, in the middle of a fighting match with a Hitmonchan.

Mario shrugged, but all became clear as Rosalina opened up for them and revealed Zelda at the table next to the fire, fast asleep and using a small, helter-skelter pile of textbooks as a pillow.

"Zelda!" Link gasped, waking her up.

"Wh... what time is it?" Zelda muttered, stretching and yawning. "What's going on?"

"It's after power-ups," Mario noted, staring. "And you kind of... missed it."

"What?!" Zelda cried, suddenly upright and paying full attention. "Are you kidding me?!"

"How could you not be aware?" Mario asked, his eyebrows raised. "What even happened- you were right with us until we went into the dungeons!"

"I... I got distracted!" Zelda said quickly, and Mario couldn't help but notice that she was fingering something around her neck.

"Yeah, I can tell," Link noted, a hand to his chin. "Zelda, listen. I'm thinking that you're trying to do too much. You're stretching yourself thin- kind of like butter over too much bread."

"Was that really necessary?" Zelda asked, looking up with half-closed eyes.

"Sorry, I just really wanted to make a Lord of the Rings reference."

"Besides, no, I'm not, I just kind of... lost track of time," Zelda muttered. "Anyways, what did we work on?"

"Oh, we were working on Ha Ha Has," Mario explained. Remember how this is pronounced? Yeah, it was kind of awkward, but Zelda got it.

"Ha Ha Has?!" Zelda gasped, staring at him in horror. "_Ha Ha Has? _HA HA HAS?! But Wolf said those were likely to be on our exams!"

"Don't sweat it, it's not like they're particularly complicated, especially for you," Link tried to say, but Zelda wasn't listening.

"I've got to run to the library- I'm spending this break having a cram session! Meet you in Psychic Powers class!"

With that, she dashed out of the hub. Mario and Link stared at each other. "What's she talking about?" Link asked. "We've got Psychic Powers class _right now_."

XXXX

And so it came to be that they were even more confused than usual when they finally made it to the attic's entrance, and found that Zelda had somehow beaten them there. "What the- not much time for cramming, huh?"

"What are you talking about?" Zelda asked, looking at them with a raised eyebrow. "Cram session?"

"The one that you said you were going to take during break?"

Zelda just looked confused, which, of course, caused even further confusion in Link, causing something of an increased-confusion feedback loop that was only broken by the trapdoor in the ceiling opening up and the ladder coming down.

As the three climbed up, Mario took note of the crystal balls on the desks. "Oh, are you kidding me?" he muttered. "We're going _there, _now?"

"Looks like it," Link shrugged, as they took their seats.

_Good afternoon, class_, came the usual thoughts of the teacher, as Lucario made his presence known, much to the excitement of Saria and Ilia. _I know I had previously stated that we would not be studying crystal balls, as they are considered so cliche nowadays, but as it turns out, it is required by the author, so study them we must. Ah, the burden of the psychic..._

"Yeah, because only psychics can hear what the author has to say..." Zelda muttered.

_Thus, we must delve into the crystal orbs- which even Dunban Uzuki has nothing to say of in his text. Thus, we will be... er, playing it by ear._

At this point, Link was resorting to repeatedly slamming his head into his desk to stop himself from laughing out loud.

_You must relax you eyes and spirit, and gaze into the spheres..._

And thus came a long hour of Mario, Link, and Zelda staring into a resolutely-cloudy crystal ball. Mario couldn't help but feel that the whole thing was ridiculous, but, remembering that he was supposed to be clearing his mind, did his best to ignore such thoughts. Zelda seemed to have given up altogether, and seemed to be more interested in boring holes into the ball with her glare than she was in actually seeing anything in it. "This is ridiculous," she growled. "I might as well be having a cram session right now!"

"Hey, don't knock it," Link muttered, earning him the attention of his two comrades. "I mean, the finals of the Smash-Up tournament are coming up, you know?" For a moment, he simply met their stares, before finally elaborating. "It really helps to know when the day will be this overcast, right?"

Mario and Zelda both snorted, at exactly the time Lucario happened to be passing by, catching the aura pokemon's attention.

_Something wrong, you three? _he asked, bearing down on them.

"Oh, nothing," Mario shook his head, struggling to keep a straight face. "Nothing at all."

_Shall I assist you?_

Mario felt like he already knew what was coming, but, exchanging a glance with the other two, nodded nonetheless. Lucario bent over and suddenly gasped dramatically, causing Mario to sigh and once more imitate Samus's nose-bridge-pinching maneuver.

_Oh, my boy, I am sorry, I really am, I am so, so sorry,_ Lucario thought. _But I can see it, stalking you, hunting you, coming ever closer, the Bl-_

"Oh, for the love of Nayru!" Zelda shouted, slamming her face into the table almost hard enough to leave a print of her face there. "Not that freaking Blue-Eyed Beast _again!_"

Mario and Link, for the second time that day, found themselves staring, wide-eyed, at Zelda. Lucario, however, looked supremely unimpressed as he straightened up and glared down at her with his glowing eyes. However, when he once more commenced thought-sharing, his voice was completely steady. _Sorry to say this, my dear girl, but I think I knew, from the moment I first sensed you, that you didn't have what it takes to excel in this class. You look young, but your mind is already as spent as many who are many decades your elder, unable to accept anything beyond what your own two eyes see. Is it any surprise you were always doomed to fail?_

For a moment, everyone stared, open-mouthed, at the two. Zelda looked taken aback at being told this. Slowly, her expression changed to one of anger, and she abruptly stood up, knocked the crystal ball off the desk and to the ground, before turning and simply stalking off, departing from the class.

Looking around, Lucario simply thought, _Did I say something?_

XXXX

Not long after this, Spring Break arrived, not that much of the school really noticed- the teachers had a habit of freaking out at the approaching exams and assigning so much homework that Spring Break seemed less like a break and more like a grace period for them to actually have the ghost of a chance of getting it all done. Luigi just about had a nervous breakdown, which wouldn't be evidence of much, but he was far from the only one.

"Homework, homework, and more homework!" Diddy Kong cried out in the hub one day. "The only way this could be worse is if we had to relive this week for 595 years!" His thinly-veiled anime reference fell on very agreeable ears, as most of Nintendo gave an assenting cheer.

However, everyone agreed that the one who had it worst was Zelda- her workload was alleviated, _ever so slightly_, by her quitting Psychic Powers, but that didn't exactly mean she had very little to do. She was down by one, but aside from that, was still taking every single class the school had to offer- according to her, she woke up at 4:30 every morning, and didn't get back to bed until near midnight, with everything in between dedicated to study, study, and more study.

And really, when you think about it, no, she didn't have an alleviated workload, because her quitting Psychic Powers had been compensated by her redoubled efforts to find things in the library that would help Crazy in his case to save Epona. It got to the point that Link finally put his foot down, telling her to stop focusing on that, turning the case over to him so she could focus on her studies. Zelda had been skeptical at first, but after a few days of Link showing he could be trusted with the case, she finally acceded to the demand.

Mario was, of course, doing what he could to help as well, but he didn't exactly have that much free time either- with the Smash-Up finals looming, Captain Falcon was working his team harder than ever. Sierra was currently in the lead- Hal and Retro had succeeded in little more than giving Nintendo a fighting chance- kind of. The point gap had Nintendo a full hundred points behind Sierra, meaning that, if Mario caught the smash ball when Nintendo had forty or fewer points more than Sierra, the fact that Nintendo had won every match would be irrelevant- Sierra would have the lead, and would win the tournament as a whole. At exactly fifty points above Sierra, they would have to play a tiebreaker match, which Captain Falcon wanted to avoid- whether they would win or not, it would be something of a hassle. Thus, Mario's job in the final match of the tournament would be to keep the smash ball away from Bowser until Nintendo was more than fifty points up- any sooner, and the outcome of the match was moot, Sierra would still have the trophy. And if we're sounding repetitive, you haven't felt anything. Complain about reliving the same half an hour eight times when somebody else has to relive two weeks 15,532 times? Or, complain about hearing the same explanation twice when, for two weeks of Smash-Up practice, this explanation was just about the only thing Mario heard from Captain Falcon.

Spirit was running high throughout the school, as either way the match went, it would be a landmark- if Sierra won, it would mark the record for the longest any one group had held the Smash-Up trophy for. If Nintendo won, on the other hand, it would mark the first time Nintendo had won the championship since Midna Faron, the previous holder of the'best seeker in the Smash Mansion' title, had graduated. However, the person on the Smash-Up team burning the most with the desire to win wasn't Kirby and Meta Knight, Midna's brothers who were eager to carry on her legacy, Ana or Paula, who had been working towards a moment like this for several years now. Heck, that title didn't even belong to Captain Falcon or Kumatora. No, the person on the team most eager to win was, as you could tell through process of elimination, Mario Mario. It went beyond loyalty to his group- he really, truly wanted to crush Bowser. While, of course, he'd never exactly been on friendly terms with the anthro turtle, and he had plenty of reason to be angry at him, what with his attempted sabotage a couple chapters earlier, it was Bowser's crusade against Crazy and Epona that made Mario so desperate to crush, decimate, destroy, _annihilate _his rival. Bowser, for his part, was sore that Mario had gotten off scot-free from the 'Kurain Incident' as he referred to it. Which one had the better motivation? We'll leave that to you. And on that note, it's time to finally end this monster of a paragraph.

XXXX

The night before the match, everybody abandoned any insane ideas of trying to work- everyone was too hypercharged with energy to focus on the slightest paragraph in their books. And in other news, 'hypercharged' is apparently not a word.

Even Zelda eventually gave in. "It's no good, I can't concentrate," she muttered.

Kirby and Meta were trying to take everyone's minds off the match (and, by extent, alleviate their own tension) by re-enacting their favorite strips of Brawl in the Family. Ana, Paula, and even Kumatora were indulging themselves in watching their wacky antics, and Mario even joined in every now and again- his assistance in re-enacting the 89th strip, 'The Hammer Bros. Suit,' earned particular applause.

"I am Hammer Mario... no more!" he announced dramatically as he returned, the clapping still ringing in his ears, to the table he was sharing with Link and Zelda. His part in Kirby and Meta's show had calmed him down briefly, but with it done, his anxiety suddenly returned, full force.

Probably seeing it on his face, Link and Zelda offered some words of comfort. "Oh, come on, don't be worrying," Zelda said, the slipping of her typical speech showing that she truly did care. "You've got the match tomorrow in the bag!"

"She's right- I mean, you've got a freaking Wild Wing! Bowser doesn't stand a chance!" Link agreed.

Mario would have answered, but he thought he was in some severe danger of emptying his dinner all over them if he opened his mouth.

XXXX

Later that night, Mario suffered one of those nightmares that caused him to sit bolt upright in his bed, sweating. As he did, he turned and saw Jeff the Killer sitting next to his bed, creepy grin on, full force, and wielding a knife. "Go to slee-" said psychotic spoke, raising the knife, only to let out a scream as Mario threw a handful of fire into his face. Still screaming, he turned and ran out of the window, crashing out of it, and down 33 floors to the ground below.

"Freaking creepypastas, _I'm not in the mood!_" Mario muttered, rubbing his eyes. He couldn't remember what he'd been dreaming about, but it was much scarier than anything old Jeffey could have offered. Something about riding a kart against a dragon. He laughed at his own stupidity- riding a kart against a dragon, how likely was that?

It was here that he noticed that he was extremely parched, so he got up and headed over to the dorm's window, where there was a convenient water fountain that's never been mentioned before, and probably won't be again. He took a drink, doing his best to keep quiet. Looking at the window itself, he saw that the glass had repaired itself. Down on the grounds, some quiet rain had put out the fire on Jeff's face. Mario stared at him. Fool of a creepypasta character, trying to take on the Smash Mansion- it didn't matter who he'd gone after, the ending would have been the same. He took another drink.

Suddenly, he saw something out of the corner of his eye, and did a spit take, splattering the window with water. Moving quickly, he wiped it off and stared intently down at the entrance to the Lost Woods, where there was very clearly an animal moving through the brush...

His heart eased up as the animal stepped out into the open. It was... a Meowth. He sighed. Simba. It was only Simba...

Or... was it? As he watched, a large, almost bear-like wolf stepped out of the Woods too, causing Mario's heart to fail again- _please say it doesn't have blue eyes, please say it doesn't have blue eyes!_

But then, it did something he most certainly didn't expect: it began to walk alongside Simba. Mario stared as they made their way across the grounds, examining Jeff's body far below. After cocking their heads a little, they did what any animal would, and made dirt on it. Any Warriors fans will know what that means. Though, you'll probably know anyways, I mean, it's not a very deep euphemism. With that, the two began making their way along the edge of the mansion. Mario stared. What the heck? He'd thought the Blue-Eyed Beast was supposed to be a harbinger of his own death- but how could that be, if Simba could see it, and even interact with it? Shaking his head, he turned back to his bed, pausing only to throw another handful of fire at the Slender Man as he made his way back to his bed.

XXXX

Breakfast the next day was quite a stunning affair- the noise was astounding, with every single student crying out in support to the Smash-Up team of their choice. The teachers would probably be trying to calm them all, had they not been part of the din as well. Mario joined the rest of his team at the Nintendo table, where Captain Falcon was encouraging his team to eat an entire field of toast and a few baker's dozens worth of eggs. However, the only reason the Captain himself was eating was because Kumatora, in turn, was forcing his head repeatedly into bowls of Cheerios and Froot Loops.

Mario received a sudden burst of inspiration on the way out of the mansion, as both Donkey Kong and Pauline, his fellow seekers, wished him luck- apparently, they'd rather see their respected rival win than the one that nobody outside of Sierra respected. No prizes for guessing which one caused more inspiration for him.

Captain Falcon was examining the ground. "Pretty hard, for the rain last night. But, hey, no skin off our bones, is it? Easier on our wheels, at least."

The team regrouped in the locker rooms, where everyone nervously changed into their Smash-Up uniforms and grabbed the keys to their karts. Captain Falcon looked like he was on the verge of a heart attack too large to express in words, and thus, when they finally went out to the field, it was without their usual pep talk. However, what they _did _get was the usual tumultuous applause from Nintendo's supporters. The stands were a sea of red, gold, silver, and green, with organized cheering on all sides for both teams. Today, the stadium was a series of platforms and ramps that seemed to be made of brightly-colored blocks. Thinking back, Mario realized that this was the first stadium type he'd ever played on. This realization brought a small smile to his face. Ah, nostalgia.

The teams crossed to their karts, except for Mario, who assumed his usual position on the field, took out his keys, and turned them in midair to summon his kart to him, appearing around him with him in the driver's seat. Every muscle in his body tensed as Lakitu appeared with the ball crate at the end of his fishing line. He dropped it in the middle of the field, and ordered Captains Falcon and Vaati to shake hands. Captain Falcon showed Vaati none of the respect he'd shown Donkey Kong or Fiora, and received none- it looked like each captain was bent on breaking the other's hand. Lakitu floated back to the box and opened it up, releasing the smash ball and chain chomps. He then brought out the traffic light and floated up into the air.

The red light... yellow...

Green!

The game had begun! Every kart took off around the stadium, the offense going for the Smash-Up ball, the defense manning the goals, the brawlers brandishing their super scopes as they pursued the chain chomps, and Mario and Bowser beginning their search for the smash ball.

As usual, Teddy Ellay was commentating. "And, right off the bat, we have Ana Lee with the Smash-Up ball, she's having a race or something with Ini Miney from Sierra! She makes a pass to Kumatora, but Ini gets in the way, she's heading back for the Nintendo goals- oh, that had to hurt, that chain chomp got her good- courtesy of... Kirby, if I'm not mistaken! Kumatora grabs the Smash-Up ball, taking off back up the field, dodges Majora _and _a chain chomp from Linus Reed over there, and... NINTENDO SCORES!"

Kumatora was in the middle of striking a victory pose, when, out of nowhere, a kart came streaking up to her and knocked them both over. A second glance showed that said kart was driven by Vaati. Lakitu swiftly intervened, grimacing.

"Didn't see her there, sorry," Vaati explained unconvincingly.

Well, it wasn't likely that Lakitu was going to let him go with that to begin with, but Kirby, seemingly wanting to make sure, did a drive-by and fired his super scope directly at Vaati. Mario wasn't sure what the effects of a smasher being hit by a super scope would be, but it seemed like the beam was a boxing glove that had hit Vaati in the back of the head, knocking him forward and slamming his forehead into his steering wheel.

This enraged Lakitu even more, and he ultimately called a penalty for both Nintendo and Sierra. First, Paula took control of the Smash Ball.

"She's belting along up there, just her and Onox up there... she's really belting along... and... SHE MAKES IT! 20-0, FAVOR NINTENDO!"

The Nintendo fans cheered, but this was only half the penalty- now it was Sierra's turn. Vaati angrily took the Smash-Up ball and began streaking down the field.

"It's all down to Captain Falcon, now," Teddy announced. "And, of course, he's one of the greatest defenders this school has ever seen... very hard to get past... HOLY CRUD, IT'S A MIRACLE, HE ACTUALLY DID IT!"

Sure enough, Captain Falcon had leapt into the air on his kart. Everyone stared as, for the second time in Mario's history with the team, he called out, "Falcon PUNCH!" His fist was suddenly enveloped in fire, resulting in him punching the Smash-Up ball so hard that it caught fire and streaked all the way across the stadium, directly through Sierra's goals.

"Wow, a Sierra penalty, and _Nintendo _gets the points!" Teddy cried in delight. "30-0, favor Nintendo!"

With that, the Smash-Up ball was tossed back into the field, and regular play recommenced. Said ball was suddenly changing hands so fast that Teddy barely had time to call out each team as it did so. "Nintendo- no, Sierra- no, back to Nintendo- strike that, Sierra- no, no, Nintendo, why would I have ever said Sierra? Paula Polestar of Nintendo, taking the Smash-Up ball down the field, and- WHAT THE HECK, WOMAN, WHAT THE HECK?!"

Said reaction was to Majora, another of Sierra's offense, streaking up next to Paula. She had reached out and, rather than aim for the Smash-Up ball as usual, she'd grabbed Paula's head. Lakitu once again posed an intervention, using his fishing pole to pull the two female smashers apart. A whistle-blow later, and Ana was taking a penalty shot.

"FORTY-ZERO! FORTY-ZERO! TAKE THAT, YOU FILTHY, CHEATING-"

"Teddy..." came Samus's warning voice.

"I'm tell it like it is, baby cakes!"

"...Never say that again."

Mario would have listened in to this little miniature debate, but he was a little pre-occupied- namely with the Smash Ball that had suddenly decided to put in an appearance right near the Nintendo end of the field. It would be an ideal time to catch it, except... no, they weren't more than fifty points ahead. If only the Smash Ball had waited a little longer to appear, not that he expected it to conform to the wishes of the seekers...

Seeing that Bowser had yet to see it, he tried a strategy similar to what he'd earlier tried with Pauline- he suddenly spun around to the Sierra goals, the opposite end of the field, and took off. It seemed to have worked- Bowser was following him.

Suddenly, both of the chain chomps came streaking towards him, one on either side. It was only by putting on a sudden burst of speed that he refrained from getting knocked over. Looking to his sides, he saw both Linus Reed _and _Xord, both of Sierra's brawlers, streaking alongside him, raising their super scopes. Apparently, they weren't learning from these repeated penalties...

Mario waited until he saw their fingers twitch, and suddenly slammed on his brakes. The other two streaked ahead, and the beams fired from their super scopes hit, not him, but each other. Mario shrugged, and took off once more.

Meanwhile, Kumatora was in possession, and making her way back up to Onox. As she approached, she raised her hand and made the shot- but Onox managed to stop it from entering the hoops. There was a groan of disappointment from Nintendo's supporters, and Teddy actually swore- nearly losing him his megaphone, as Samus stood up to seize it. It was only by standing up and making several quick apologies that Teddy retained his position as commentator.

This was turning out to be one of the most brutal things Mario had ever seen- and, considering the things he'd seen, that was saying something. Another instance of brawlers firing on players, rather than chain chomps, ensued not long after, as Linus opened fire on Ana, only for Meta Knight to open fire on him in retaliation. Two penalties, and another save on Falcon's part, later, and Nintendo was leading 50-10. Not bad, but they needed just a little more...

Mario's heart fell as Sierra eventually managed to score another goal. Okay, a little _more _than a little more...

Paula managed to put another goal away, and Kirby and Meta, perhaps noticing the pattern of 'scoring Nintendo gets attacked' began to circle her to protect her from any such retaliation. Unfortunately, Linus and Xord saw in this only an opportunity- they streaked to the Nintendo end of the field and steered both chain chomps to attack Captain Falcon, one after the other, leaving said player on the ground, groaning. Lakitu was beside himself with fury.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF PAC-MAN MADE EITHER OF YOU THINK IT WAS EVEN _REMOTELY_ OKAY TO ATTACK THE DEFENSE?!"he raged. "TWO PENALTIES- ONE FOR EACH CHOMP!"

Another two penalties put away, some nice chain chomp action courtesy of Kirby and Meta Knight, and another shot by Kumatora, and Mario's heart jumped- the score was 80-20, in Nintendo's favor. About time to start taking the search for the Smash Ball seriously...

Mario continued his laps around the stadium, with Bowser tailing behind. Suddenly, he saw it, at the top of one of the ramps- the smash ball! He floored it.

It was a race between him and Bowser, but, like Link had said, he had a Wild Wing, he was going to make it-

And then, out of nowhere, a spiny blue shell with wings came careening out of nowhere, slamming into him and causing him to flip over the side of the ramp and onto the ground. Looking up, he saw a chortling Bowser steering by. "How'd you like my latest Power-Ups project, huh?" he laughed.

Lakitu looked even more furious than before. "_BRINGING IN OUTSIDE POWER-UPS?! I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH A THING- PENALTY! PENALTY!_"

Lakitu was certainly not alone in his outrage- Bowser's 'tactics' had driven the stadium wild. This was most clearly heard, of course, through Teddy. "YOU WINNICOT! YOU FREAKING SON OF A-"

He was doing what he could to stay out of Samus's reach, but, as it turned out, he didn't really need to bother- Samus herself was screaming abuse at Bowser. It was probably the most flagrant violation of Smash-Up rules the school had seen in several years. But, despite all the flak he was getting over it, Bowser was still smiling- he'd achieved what he'd wanted, with the smash ball disappearing once more.

Kumatora, who was taking the penalty, was so furious that she missed her mark by quite a bit, making it pretty easy for Sierra to retake the Smash-Up ball. Majora seized the ball and managed to get by Captain Falcon, who was still recuperating from the earlier chain chomp attack, lowering Nintendo's lead once more.

Mario, furious, took a new strategy- following Bowser so closely that he frequently rear-ended him. Bowser was furious, but as far as Mario was concerned, the turtle had no room to complain.

Kumatora once again had the Smash-Up ball, and, eager to make up for her earlier failure, took off towards the Sierra goals. Mario turned, and saw that every single Sierra player seemed to be converging on her. Well, heck if he was going to let them get away with that... he took off and shot at them like a bullet, causing them all to scatter, and leaving the way open for Kumatora, who redeemed herself by making a spectacular shot and pushing Nintendo back into their necessary lead. Mario, meanwhile, spun around, seeing the smash ball once more, glinting just behind Bowser... thinking quickly, he coasted up the sides of the stadium, and, in a rush of euphoria, found himself actually leaving the ground and rushing into the air. Remembering his practice time with _Mario Kart 8_ way back in the story's beginning, he left his seat and pulled off a flip in the air before returning to his kart, giving him a burst of speed once his wheels returned to ground. The burst of speed was _just _enough to push him ahead of Bowser, his arm outstretched, and...

"YES!"

Grab the smash ball directly out of the air. He could feel the quiet warmth of the glimmering sphere in his hand. He'd done it. They'd won.

If Mario had thought the dogpile at the previous match was heavy, it was nothing to the one he was experiencing now. First came Captain Falcon, knocking him directly out of his kart, he was so happy. On top of that came Ana, Paula, and Kumatora, only narrowly outstripping the twin puffballs, who stood on top of them all, whooping it up and joining the group hug. And then came Nintendo's supporters, from the students to a few of the teachers- including Samus, who, in one of those rare instances, was so excited that she was almost mistakable for one of her students anyways. Mario was only saved from imminent smothering by the Crazy Hand, as said being swooped in, in full hand form, and lifted him up above the crowd, calling out, "Youz be doin' it, Marioz! You be takin' dem down! You da man, man! Mez gotta tell Epona 'bout dis!"

Mario watched, pure joy in his eyes, as the building's other giant, disembodied hand floated down from the stands, carrying with him the large, silver Smash-Up trophy. Even as Captain Falcon stepped forward to accept it, he seemed almost unable to believe it, his hands trembling as he reached out and grasped the handles. Eventually, Kumatora had to step in and assist him in lifting the trophy high above the crowed, to even more wildly scattered applause. Next, they began to pass it around, allowing each of the team members a chance to hold the glorious, glorious reward for their hard work and determination.

And Mario thought, as his turn to hold it came around, that it was actually a darn shame no floows decided to show up at that moment- he had no doubt that they'd have come face to face with the world's most powerful final smash.

_XXXX_

*The Ace Attorney system in a nutshell.

**I know I've said this already, but it bears repeating: _The Ace Attorney Series in a nutshell._

***I forgot to mention this last chapter, but both this and the strange swears utilized by the Bombers against Wolf come from one of my older stories, Smash Bros. Puppet Pals. You can go read it if you want- it's the first story I wrote that tied video games to Harry Potter- but aside from that novelty, it's not really anything special.

Okay, another chapter the next day after the last one- does that make up for the brief hiatus? I'll leave that to you. I feel I owe you guys an apology- on reading my author's notes last chapter, I feel like I sounded like a bit of a winnicot- and I already noted how I use that word. So, sorry about that. I'm a little stressed lately, between Gandora moving, among other things. Probably also the cause of the little soapbox standing I did at the start of this chapter, as well as crude creepypasta-related humor. Hopefully that didn't put anyone off too much.

Anyways, quick question today from Destiny Willowleaf!

Q: Was there any significance to Marx being Adrian Pucey way back in Hylian Stone? A: Honestly, no. Back then, I was still in the stages of my gaming career where I knew very little about gaming outside of Mario and Zelda, and I think, had I been as much of a gamer back then as I am now, I'd have gone to more effort to find a more fitting role for Marx. Perhaps he'll get one (probably with some heft lampshade hanging) later on, but we'll see.

Also, quick sidenote- this story has not only officially surpassed the previous Mario Mario stories in terms of length, but has become my first story to top 100,000 words! To celebrate! Mountain Dew for all!

So, hopefully, the two quick updates make up for the hiatus (though, in fairness, it was pretty short compared to some of my others,) but to let me know, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism, as always, is embraced, not so much for flames, Gamer4 out!


	20. The Future According to Lucario

Gamer4 in. You know, it's just occurred to me that, from this point on, all the remaining chapters take place pretty much back-to-back. Kind of a straight shot to the end from here- which means there won't be much room for random quickies- good or bad? Indifferent? As usual, a decision I leave up to you. Anyways, let's get started.

Disclaimer: I own a USB cable that I don't even know what it's supposed to connect to- it could be the AC adapter for a faced Mechon, for all I know.

Chapter XVI

The Future According to Lucario

The days that followed were almost some of the happiest of Mario's life. Nintendo's victory in the Smash-Up tournament was one of Mario's greatest achievements of all time. Taking down Mewtwo? Child's play. Bringing down the Giga Koopa and ending its reign of terror? Come on, get real! Winning the sports tournament was unquestionably the best thing he'd ever done, and all he really wanted to do now was to celebrate. The weather was certainly providing a great opportunity to- ever since the Smash-Up finals, the sun had been shining, nice, bright, and vibrant. It seemed like the perfect time to just relax and laze around by the shores of Lake Delfino, watching as Kirby, Meta, and Teddy frolicked with the Bloop, the large squid-like creature that called said lake its home.

But, unfortunately, as we've noted, those days were only _almost _the happiest of Mario's life. Because, unfortunately, something was coming up that would test the very limits of his physical and spiritual strength and endurance, something that haunted the minds and souls of not only the students of the Super Smash Bros., but also the minds and souls of every school student, everywhere- the end-of-year tests.

Students throughout the mansions were feeling very tortured, as they forced themselves to try and study despite the perfect weather outside. Even Kirby and Meta Knight were following suit- it was their fifth year, marking the beginning of some very heavily-involved tests that could potentially alter the course of their futures. As you might expect, they weren't taking it as seriously as one would think, but the simple fact that they were studying at all, rather than spending all their time thinking of new, random antics was a sign of their own stress. Even above them sat Rob, who was in his final year- he was studying for tests even more grueling than Kirby and Meta's, in hopes of scoring high enough to be allowed into the Government of Smashing itself. Seeing the work that was going on in regards to those tests, on the part of students, teachers, and various government employees walking around administering said tests, Mario had to admit that he was just glad he had two years to go before he got involved in _that._

Not to say that he had it easy, mind. In fact, Link had already speculated on the possibility of another gigantic monster attacking the mansion, only to be so narrowly stopped by Mario that the school canceled the tests again. Mario and Zelda had united in shouting this idea down- Zelda because she was (no offense,) a freak who enjoyed the exams, and was now likely to phase through dimensions just to murder the author for describing her as such, and Mario because he wasn't interested in almost killing himself again.

On the subject of Zelda, she was the only person in the whole mansion who had a reasonable claim to be working harder than Rob. Mario and Link had, previously, tried to avoid asking her about her absurd schedule, but when they saw the exam schedule she had, their resistance finally collapsed.

"Alright, Zelda," Link said, face in his hand, "I know you're a hard worker, and all, and I hate to tell you this, but it's _not actually possible _to take three tests at the exact same time." Which, sure enough, was what Zelda's schedule was calling for her to do.

"I've got it all under control," Zelda insisted, and she looked it- she had her eye down to twitching only once every two seconds, and her hair frizzy only to the point of being a foot larger than her head- a massive improvement over the past couple of weeks.

"I don't suppose you'd tell us how you're doing all this," Mario wondered out loud, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope," Zelda agreed.

Mario and Link would have pressed the issue farther, but at that point, the mail came in, including Parakarry, who bore two notes- one asking Mario to make sure Parakarry's name was still being spelled consistently, and one from the Crazy Hand. Reading through it quickly, Mario noted, "Alright, we've got the date of Epona's appeal- they're having it on the third. It _would _be the third, wouldn't it?"

"It would," Zelda nodded. "Works out for us, anyways- that's the day we finish our tests. Any idea where they're holding it?"

"Up here," Mario nodded. "Wow, it's going to be overseen by Olimar, and it looks like they're bringing in an _actual _prosecutor this time, not Ghirahim... and..." Mario's voice froze, causing Link and Zelda to look up in concern.

"And?" Link prompted.

"And an executioner," Mario choked out.

Link slammed his hands on the table as his mouth opened up at Mario. "Are you kidding me? What, they've already made their decision? What sort of appeal is it if the decision's already made in advance?"

Mario felt an opportunity for snark, but, at the moment, was too overwhelmed to do it. He had a nasty feeling that Ghirahim had already decided for the government- and Epona had entered a hopeless situation.

What made this even worse was Bowser's reaction- despite having spent most of the time since the finals sulking, he was starting to regain his morale since the news about Epona's pending execu- er, appeal- had leaked out. He was preening himself over having caused someone else's suffering, which was beginning to sound like...

...

...

...

All those organizations on Fanfiction who dedicated themselves to shooting down authors who accidentally broke rules.

Ha, you thought I was going to say the Harry Potter Headscratchers page on tvtropes, didn't you? Well, in fairness, they're almost as bad... in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they're secretly the same people.

XXXX

Exams came. First exam? Transformation. After writing a long essay on sliders (whom Samus was insisting were about to become _extremely _important, not that anyone was really listening), she had them get to work on trying to turn tanukis into statues, and foxes into keatons. Zelda expressed a rare instance of something like first-world problems when she started complaining about her keaton not having just the right color of fur, while everyone else was worried about their foxes suddenly getting up and dancing to a certain memetic song that's already been alluded to, while the tanukis accompanied, singing along to Gangnam Style.

Next up came Power-Ups, where Mario and Link worked to replicate the Ha Ha Has that they'd produced before. Zelda, despite having had significantly less practice, got hers spot-on, while Mario accidentally dropped in a whole case of red pollen, causing Link to go into a fit of laughter more befitting of Albedo Piazzola crossed with Jack Nicholson as the Joker than of himself. After a long break in a quiet room, complete with straitjacket, he was ready to come back and work on his own Ha Ha Ha. This marked the end of the first day of exams, but there was no time to rest: the next day contained three exams, back-to-back- Smashing Creatures, Weapons, and Astrology- or maybe it was Astronomy, we're not really sure.

Smashing Creatures, as it turned out, was the easiest exam in the history of exams- not that anyone (besides Zelda) was complaining. Crazy simply provided each student with their own caterpile and told them to keep it alive until the end of the exam- he was kind of distracted- you know, what with the flagrant violations of justice almost on the level of aforementioned fanfiction organizations seeking to murder the creature he held so near and dear to his heart. Frankly, the only possible way to fail this test would have been to willingly murder your own caterpile, so Mario, Link, and Zelda spent most of it trying to comfort Crazy, who, upon having his post-finals match high die down, had returned to being so depressed that he wasn't even speaking properly.

"Epona's a little depressed," he noted as they talked. "Loftwings aren't meant to be kept cooped up like this... I'm not the caretaker she needs... I wish I could set her free, but then, of course, it would be back to Subspace for me... maybe Roy could give me some tips?"

And so it came to be that, despite the absurd ease of the test, it still was one of the hardest hours for them.

Mario felt he did fairly well with weapons, certainly better than he'd done with power-ups- while Pikachu noted that he'd performed averagely, Mario strongly suspected that he'd seen Wolf write down a large zero. Of course, what with Link having his breakdown and truly living up to the pronunciation of the Ha Ha Ha, he'd been somewhat preoccupied, but still.

Astrology/Astronomy/looking up at the stars and figuring stuff out by doing so also went pretty well. Then came History of Smashing, which, despite Mario's dread, probably went the best yet- it was an essay on medieval witch burnings, so Mario just did what he did best- write down a metric crudton of snark, along with several comparisons to the Harry Potter Headscratchers page and the Aforementioned Fanfiction Organizations with Sticks up their Butts (or AFOSB, for short.) He wasn't sure how highly Professor Andonuts would rate it, but it felt pretty cathartic for him, personally, so he wasn't going to knock it.

Then came study of plants, with Daisy. Very little to say here. Originally, this would have been followed by two more exams that day: Phys Ed and Protection from the Evils. However, as it transpired, Fox and Coach Lakitu had worked together for their exam, with the result that they just had one- a sort of obstacle course involving battles against various dark creatures. Whether it was swimming through a bigger-on-the-inside swimming pool filled with bloopers and cheep cheeps, running across a bloody battlefield loaded with wels, struggling through a forest loaded with gnosis, or facing off against a Tane-Tane in the final battle of the century, it certainly kept them physically active enough to satisfy Coach Lakitu as well as Fox.

Mario, needless to say, aced it, successfully turning the strips of darkness covering his floow into chicken strips, and casually walking past without a care in the world. Fox and Lakitu both shook his hand at the end, a warm smile from Fox showing that the Kurain Incident had been, for the moment, forgiven. This done, Mario turned to watch Link and Zelda.

Link did well until he had to deal with the gnosis- he forgot to activate the Hilbert Effect that was the only thing that made gnosis solid and manageable, and, as he was struggling to swipe his sword through the strange being, got grabbed by a tentacle and turned into a pillar of salt, prompting Fox to send Mario in with an Anti-Crystal, the only cure. Link came with him, head hanging in embarrassment, muttering something that sounded like "I bring _great _dishonor on my family," to watch Zelda go through. She made it past the koopas and bloopers just fine, successfully fought off the wels, activated the Hilbert Effect and curbstomped the gnosis, and finally, went after the Tane-Tane, who was hanging out in an old, decrepit shack. However, she'd only been in there for a few moments before she burst out screaming.

Fox, looking somewhat surprised, knelt down to offer some comfort. "Are you alright? What happened?"

"It was a game over screen!" Zelda cried. "It was saying, MISSION FAILED!"

Link, raising his eyebrows, went over and peeked into the shack's window. "Try again," he smiled. "It's actually saying, FISSION MAILED."

Zelda came back and looked again, causing her cheeks to flush- sure enough, that was what it said.

While Link confidently assured Zelda that he'd never let her live this one down, he admitted that it was a little too soon afterwards, and also promised not to tell Kirby or Meta Knight about this incident, so it was in relative peace that the group headed back into the mansion. However, they were waylaid on their trip up by a short smasher with a large nose. "What the- Mr. President?" Mario asked, staring.

The man turned, and, sure enough, it was Olimar Tate. He'd jumped upon being beckoned, but calmed as he saw who it was. "Ah, Mario, my boy... good to see you, of course... exams going well?"

"Pretty well," Mario nodded. Pretending to not be in the know, he added, "So, what brings you out here?"

"I wish I could say something happy, like 'I've finally got information that will lead to the capture of Roy Alluvia,'" Olimar muttered, "but it's not anything that wonderful. A case got brought in front of the Government a while ago, concerning an allegedly insane Loftwing. Looking closer at it, I really don't think it is, but my hands are tied... I have to oversee the execution..."

"HOLD IT!" Link cried, causing the words to appear in their customary stamp before disappearing. "There's still the appeal, isn't there? If he gets off, you might not have to oversee anything?"

"Oh, my boy, I wish it were so, but-" Olimar started, only to be cut off as two other smashers appeared through a door behind him. One of them was tall and dressed in a finely pressed suit, colored red, with some sort of weird handkerchief thing around his neck.

"It's a cravat," said smasher muttered, glaring at the author, who took this time to note that this smasher also had an incredibly frightening glare, and that he apologizes and it's _not_ a weird handkerchief thing, it really is a cravat and _holy crud, _please don't kill me Mr. Edgeworth, sir!

This caused the smasher to shake his head as he examined the scene around him. At his side was a young woman with long red hair and dressed in a white dress, carrying a parasol with her. Olimar jumped at the sight of them.

"Oh, Mr. Edgeworth, sir! Ms. Hawethorne! How's it going?"

"I'm having the thirty-third reconsidering of my life since taking this position," Edgeworth muttered, grabbing his arm and casting his head to the side in one of the most overly-dramatic poses Mario had ever seen. "Have you ever wondered if prosecution may not be the true evil in this case?"

"Don't worry about that, Mr. Edgeworth," said the aforementioned young woman, whose voice was sweet, but, for some reason, chilled Mario to the bone- and he was a pyromancer, he knew what he was talking about when he said something like that. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see how a pet owner reacts to the loss of their pet, I'll be able to gather all sorts of data. It's regrettable, but it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do, and for that reason..." here, she fondled her parasol with an increasingly large smile that remained sweet despite her chilling words, "I'm going to kill the Loftwing and see how the Crazy Hand responds."

Mario turned and saw Link's face turning red- listening closely, he could actually hear the teapot whistle of Link's lid preparing to flip. Accordingly, he and Zelda both grabbed onto him and pulled him away before he could say anything regrettable- unfortunately for him, he'd have to regret something he didn't do.

"What did you pull me away for?!" Link growled. "They really have made up their minds already!"

"I know, but your Dad works for them- you can't go mouthing off to them!"

It was their last break before their final exam- after this, they'd be able to relax, but for some reason, none of the three felt compelled to do so. Finally, they got up and headed off to their last exams- which, for Mario and Link, was Psychic Powers.

They joined a group of students gathered underneath the trapdoor, as usual. They sat down with Ness and Luigi. "So, what's the buzz?" Link asked forlornly.

"Hard telling," Ness shrugged. "He's calling us up one by one, and no one's talking when they come down."

As he spoke, the door opened, and Saria Kokiri came climbing down, a wide smile on her face. "I did really well!" she exclaimed. "I saw so much... Lucario says I'm more psychic than most psychic-types! Oh, and she wants to see you next, Lu!"

Luigi jumped, but nervously nodded and climbed the ladder once Saria had left.

"So," Mario asked, leaning back, "is psychic powers class everything you thought it would be, Ness?"

"Honestly, I think I could have learned more about Psychic Powers by talking it over with Paula than by taking this class," Ness muttered. "I learned more studying up on Psychic Powers before this class than I learned from actually taking this class."

A while later, the ladder lowered again, and Luigi descended. "How'd it go?" Link asked.

"He said if I tell you, I'll be cursed!" Luigi said, looking very anxious. "But she wants you next, Link."

Link shrugged and began climbing, leaving Mario with Ness.

"So, you agree with Zelda, then?" Mario asked.

"I don't know if I'd go _that _far," Ness shrugged, "but I _am _fairly certain that Lucario's making up about a third of what he's teaching us. And definitely everything about the Blue-Eyed Beast."

"I see," Mario nodded. "Oh, by the way, where are you with that story PrincessKatniss is writing for you?"

"That's not me," Ness objected.

"I've seen the story, it's right there in the title, _Ness Greil and the Hocotatian Stone_," Mario objected. "Are you trying to tell me it's not you?"

"Hey, it's _a _Ness, but it's not _this _Ness," Ness pointed out. "I mean, my last name is all over the place, but it's not Greil- not in this story. Just like you're a different Mario from that story Prodigy411 is writing- you know, Mario Mario and the Pikmanian Stone?"*

Mario sighed. "Alright, I concede the point." Despite this, he was still preparing a counter-argument that would probably have led to a large debate on reality and the nature of life, had Link not fortunately come back down at that moment.

"Bubkiss, total and complete bubkiss," he muttered, shaking his head. "Couldn't see a dang thing, so I made a bunch of stuff up- something about a scientist trying to become a god, hijacking a magical artifact, and destroying the Universe only to create a new one populated by him, his partner, and robots they built to fight each other."

"Pretty vivid imagination you have there," Mario noted, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, I actually think I've heard of it somewhere before," Ness noted, sounding more skeptical. "You wouldn't happen to have played-"

"We're ending this conversation here!" Mario stepped in. "So, who's next?"

"Oh, right- you're up, Mario," Link nodded, before starting back towards the dorm.

Mario sighed, bid Ness farewell, and climbed the ladder.

_Good evening, Mr. Mario_, came Lucario's thoughts from the darkness.

"It's not evening," Mario muttered. "It's only, like, 3:30."

_Irrelevant. The mind knows no such boundaries,_ Lucario quickly thought.

Mario sighed. _More like the esteemed psychic doesn't want to spring for a clock or- Wave Existence forbid- a window._

_I heard that!_ Lucario objected, leading to Mario mentally kicking himself for forgetting which exam he was taking. _And that,_ Lucario added. _But do not worry- I promise not to allow my opinion of your performance to be influenced by my personal opinions on you- that is the path of lesser teachers- and AFOSB. Anyways, we will be testing your ability with crystal balls today. Sit, and observe. You may take as long as you like, but when you see something, I wish for you to tell me._

Mario sighed and sat across from the aura pokemon, gazing into the crystal ball. It was, of course, useless- he may as well have been trying to discern the future by grasping a sword really hard as trying to tell it by looking into this Wave-Existence-Foresaken sphere. He sat there for a full five minutes without seeing anything. Finally, he shrugged and decided to follow Link's example- BS it.

"I... I'm seeing a bird of some kind- it has the Triforce for a head," Mario muttered.

_Oh, really? Well, it was the habit of ancient civilizations to portray Loftwings as having the Triforce for a head- perhaps you are seeing the outcome of the appeal? Is it still alive?_

Mario grunted. He could say anything he wanted, so he sure as heck wasn't going to go with the negative option. "No, it's still breathing."

_Perhaps, then, the moment before? Is there a shadowy figure approaching, throwing out further anime references? _

"No, nothing like that," Mario objected. "It's flying away- it's free, and it's got a swordsman of some kind on its back. Maybe Link?"

Lucario sounded disappointed. _Well, despite your convictions, I'm sure you gave it your best shot. You may leave- please send Ness up after yourself._

Mario nodded gratefully and stood to go. He was on the point of doing so when he suddenly heard a great thunking sound behind him. "What the-" he grunted out loud, turning to see Lucario collapsing to the ground. "What- what's wrong?" he asked, rushing over.

Lucario was twitching violently- and suddenly, his thoughts erupted outwards once more, but they sounded strange- as if multiple voices were thinking at once.

_The darkness comes! The one who brings it has been imprisoned for so long, but tonight, the end begins! The cucoo with the steel face will eat our eyes! The blood of innocent shall be spilt, and the servant shall be reunited with his master!_

Mario stared at Lucario as the pokemon went limp again. Suddenly, he straightened up, gazing at the student in front of him. _Er... did you want something, Mario?_

Mario was nonplused, but quietly shook his head. "I thought I had a question, but... nevermind, I think I have it..."

_Very well..._

And so it came to be that Mario very quickly descended the ladder, beckoning Ness up as he did so. What the heck was that about? Had Lucario just made a legitimate prophecy? Or was he trolling? Mario reflected that, when it came to the world of smashers, being a professional and being a troll was separated by only the finest of lines...

XXXX

And so it came to be that, when Mario entered the hub to see that Link and Zelda were the only ones there, his first thought was to try and relate the story to them. "Hey, guys," he said, "I just finished my test, and Lucario-" here, he noticed that they both looked pretty downcast. "W-what's wrong?"

"We just got this... from Crazy," Link muttered, lifting a letter in his hand. "The outcome of the appeal..."

Mario strode over and took the letter, reading it over for himself.

_Dear Mario, Link, and Zelda..._

_We lost the appeal. Nobody really looked happy about it except for that girl in the white dress. The execution's tonight. Don't come down, you'll only get in trouble. And it's not worth that to show you something like this._

_Crazy._

"Well, obviously we're going to go!" Mario said immediately. "We're not going to let Crazy suffer through this alone!"

"Well, I'd normally agree, but what with the tightened security around here, I'm not sure we'd be allowed... especially Roy's number one target," Link muttered.

Mario sat down and put on his own 'thinking-things-over' face, similar to, but distinct from, Zelda's. "You know, I think we could do it if we just had my blanket..."

"We don't?" Zelda asked. "Why not?"

"I left it in the passage to Kurain last time I was there," Mario explained. "I don't think Wolf knows about the passage itself, but he knows the general area, so if he sees me down there again, there's going to be trouble."

"I see," Zelda nodded, putting her 'thinking-things-over' face on. "Indeed, I see... remind me how to open up the bookcase?"

"There's a clock next to it, you set the time to 3:33," Mario noted, "but-"

"Hold up, I'll be right back," Zelda said quickly, standing and leaving the hub. Mario and Link threw glances at each other.

"She's not... is she?" Link asked.

As it transpired, she had. Zelda returned not much later with the invisibility blanket in tow.

"Holy crud, Zelda, what's going on with you?" Link asked, bewildered. "Punching Bowser, walking out on Lucario..."

"Well, seeing this clusterf^ &amp; with Epona is causing be to be a little disenchanted with the rules, I guess you could say," Zelda said, smiling even as she cursed for the first time- oh, wait, she did it last chapter too, didn't she? Never mind, the author doesn't know what he's talking about. Also, this caused Mario and Link even more bewilderment- Zelda, of all people, the first to start cursing in the story?

XXXX

After dinner that night, the three of them refrained from actually returning to their hub, instead electing to head out into the hall and loiter around until it was empty. Finally, Zelda gave the signal for them to put the blanket on, which the other two could only figure out through context, because they'd never decided on signals to begin with. Slowly, they began their trek down to Crazy's cabin.

The sun was already starting to set, increasing their urgency somewhat. Finally, Mario reached out and knocked on the cabin's door. Crazy's strangled voice came out, and Mario winced as, once again, Crazy's voice was bereft of its usual insanity. "Who's there?"

"Crazy, it's us!" he called out as quietly as he could. A moment later, the door swung open.

"You shouldn't have come," Crazy said somberly, but he moved aside to allow them in nonetheless.

As they did, Mario stared at his friend- he was beyond depressed at this point, he seemed almost... broken, like someone who'd given up on... just about everything. It was the worst condition they'd ever seen him in.

"I'll get to work on some soda," he said, and jumped to said work.

Speaking slowly, Mario asked, "So, Crazy, where's Epona?"

"I tied her up outside," Crazy spoke forlornly. "It's the least I can give her... some nice scenes, the feel of the breeze on her face, before the end."

Despite speaking sanely, Crazy was more twitchy than ever before, to the point that, as he brought out some of the supplies necessary, he dropped a great deal of it all over the ground, prompting Zelda to stand, saying, "Crazy, why don't you sit back and relax? I'll handle the soda."

Crazy reluctantly acquiesced, taking a seat on his sofa. "Isn't there anything anyone can do?" Link asked. "I mean, that Edgeworth guy seemed alright, and the Master Hand-"

"Their hands are tied," Crazy muttered. "The Master Hand doesn't have any power over the Government, Olimar has to listen to whatever the courts rule, and Edgeworth... well, he's a friend of Nick's, and since I'm Nick's half-brother, Ghirahim's threatened that if he threw the case, he'd have him arrested for faulty prosecution. I don't want any trouble for anyone... and that girl in the white dress? She's Dahlia Hawethorne, a good friend of the Dragmires. She's not sticking up for anybody. The decision's made. But at least I'll be with her, in the end..."

The Hand sounded like he was ready to break into tears, but he forced them back. "The Master Hand _is _coming down, though- he's a good guy. He's going to stand with me, too..."

"We'll be with you, too," Zelda said immediately, turning as she worked on the soda. "We won't leave you alone-"

"Yes you will!" Crazy objected. "I don't want you seeing something like this, and even if I did- well, think of the trouble you'd get into!"

Zelda was on the point of tears, and made to hide it by getting the sugar out. As she did, she let out a sudden scream, causing everyone to spin to face her. "L-Link!" she cried. "Oreo!"

"Oh, sweet, I was getting pretty hungry," Link said, the smallest of smiles crossing his face as he stood up.

"Not oreos- Oreo!" Zelda cried out, turning with a small, chicken-like creature in her hands.

"What the- what are you doing here, you stupid cucoo?" Link asked, standing. Zelda brought the squirming bird over to the table and placed him there. "I thought you were dead!"

Mario recoiled- Oreo was in very, _very _poor condition. He was the thinnest he'd ever seen him, feathers had fallen off all over his body, and, in fact, were continuing to do so as they watched, and the creature's eyes were rolling in blind terror.

"Come on, you're safe here!" Link said, trying to calm his pet. "No cats out here to hurt you- or cat _pokemon!_" he quickly added, seeing Mario's mouth opening.

Suddenly, there was a thud, and they all turned to see Crazy doing the closest that came to standing. "They're here!" he gasped, and they all turned to see a group of smashers heading down the path to the cabin. Leading the way was the colossal right hand in a glove, the Master Hand. Shortly behind him was short little Olimar Tate. One space further back was Prosecutor Edgeworth, looking more and more solemn with every step he took. And, bringing up the rear with that creepy smile on her face, was the executioner, Dahlia Hawthorn. Crazy turned to his guests. "Get out of here, get out!"

"No, Crazy-"

"We can't!"

"We can testify, get you an actual appeal!"

"It's too late for that!" Crazy cried. "It's bad enough without you getting in trouble, too!"

Mario felt as though they were moving through a haze as they set out away from the cabin. They began making their way back up to the mansion, stopped every now and again by Link, who seemed to be having Oreo issues.

"Link, come _on,_ I don't want to hear it!" Zelda cried, sounding nervous.

"Neither do I, but this stupid chicken won't stay put!" Link grumbled. They turned to see Oreo, sure enough, struggling with everything he had to separate himself from his owner. "You idiot!" Link grumbled. "Do I _look _like a freaking Meowth to you?!"

"Link, come on!" Zelda cried, pulling the group forward. However, they weren't quite out of sight when they heard a thunking sound behind them, followed by screams and sobs clearly coming from the Crazy Hand.

"No!" Zelda cried, tears starting to flow from her eyes. "They've done it! They actually went and did it!"

_XXXX_

*Shout-out to PrincessKatniss and Prodigy411, both of whom have started up similar-but-different stories to this one! I wish them nothing but the best of luck in their endeavors, as well as much better update schedules than what you've been seeing from me.

And on that solemn note (or it would be if it weren't for my little sidenote), I leave off this chapter. Or I would, but we've got some questions to answer, so let's get to those!

Our first round of questions is from FelineWithin!

Q: Where was the '595 years' quote from? A: That's from an anime I've begun following religiously over the past year, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. If you can get over the fact that the titular character starts off the story as an incorrigible winnicot, it's pretty enjoyable, and also contains the character I was ripping off of when I wrote Dahlia's little monologue earlier!

Q: Was that track Rainbow Road from the SNES? A: Actually, that track was modeled off of my favorite battle stadium, the Block Plaza from Mario Kart Wii. Though, Rainbow Road is a pretty good idea... Also, while this doesn't explicitly relate to your question, I just want to clear it up- I know that Riki's weapons are called biters, but I thought that 'weird hammer-thing' would be more descriptive for those that haven't played Xenoblade before. Hope I clear up any confusion.

And, once more, when I say 'first' round of questions, I actually mean 'only' round of questions. I've really got to work on that. See you guys next chapter, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	21. Simba, Oreo, and the Beast

Gamer4 in. No time to explain! Gotta go fast!

Disclaimer: I don't own _No Time to Explain_, an interesting flash game on the internet.

Chapter XVII

Simba, Oreo, and the Beast

For a moment, the three of them remained frozen on the hill, staring back at Crazy's cabin, listening to the Hand's cries. Moving in a dream-like trance, Mario started to step forward, as if trying to return and comfort his old friend, but Zelda quietly reached out and grabbed his shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was racked with sobs- "Mario... we can't. I'm sorry... but... we can't."

"Hate to say it," Link spoke, his voice hollow and cold, "but she's right. We'll only make more trouble for him if we go back..."

Slowly, the group turned and began climbing back towards the mansion, Zelda crying quietly under her breath, and Link rattling off a long list of expletives. Initially, these expletives were directed at the Government and how they could possibly have done such a thing, but as they climbed, he redirected them at his pet cucoo. "Dang it, Oreo, what are you _doing_?"

Oreo was going more and more berserk every second, doing everything he could to escape from Link's grip.

"You know, this is the most active I think I've ever seen him," Mario noted, struggling to return to his normal straight-man position.

"Not the time, Mario!" Link grumbled, fighting to keep hold of his pet, but it was no good, as Oreo abruptly drove his beak down into Link's hand, causing him to grunt in pain and drop him. The cucoo sprinted off across the grounds, only looking back once, turning and beginning to move his wings about in a strange manner, as though he was calling something back to them. It was the strangest thing Mario had ever seen. The cucoo then proceeded to turn, but kept his head looking back at them, waving his wing over his head one last time. Suddenly, there was a blur out from the side, and Oreo found himself being tackled to the ground by a new arrival- Simba, pelting across the grounds and finally grabbing his prey.

"Simba, NO!" Zelda cried, causing Simba to glance up at her, giving Oreo just enough time to pull himself out of the cat pokemon's grip before turning and sprinting away as fast as his bird legs would carry him. After looking around for a moment for his lost prey, Simba located the cucoo and streaked off after him.

Link didn't wait to talk it over with the others- he shot out from under their blanket and tore across the grounds after both pets, running as hard as he could. Mario and Zelda tried to grab him, but moved _just _too slow, and eventually resorted to sprinting after him, even dropping and forgetting the blanket as they did so.

And so began the chase around the outside of the mansion, (insert silly music and Scooby Dooby Doors here,) with Mario and Zelda chasing Link chasing Simba chasing Oreo. It only came to an end when Link finally gained enough ground on the two pets in front of him to leap forward and grab onto Oreo, turning and kicking at Simba to send him away. "Freaking cat!" he growled. "Stay away from my cucoo!"

"Cat... pokemon..." Mario panted as they caught up. They were still behind by quite a bit when they stopped for breath- besides, the chase was over.

"Alright, Link," Zelda gasped as she moved towards Simba, trying to scoop up her own pet, "let's get back to the blanket and head back into the mansion, alright? The Master Hand and all those people from the Government will be back soon..."

Link was on the point of agreeing, nodding as he looked back at them, when his face suddenly drained of all color. "Oh, crud," they heard him muttering. "Guys, run! The Blue-Eyed Beast!"

The two spun around to see a large, hulking creature standing there- the one Mario had seen way back in Peach Creek, and again in the Smash-Up stadium- the hulking, canine shape, with undoubtable, piercing blue eyes. Growling, the creature began running towards him, about to take its prey at last-

and then it sprinted directly past Mario, tackling Link and sinking its teeth into one of his arms. Mario leapt forward, trying to summon a handful of fire with one hand and grab onto the beast itself with the other, but he was too late by a few seconds- the beast had Link clamped in its jaws and dragged him towards a nearby hole in the ground. Mario made to follow, only for yet another thing to come out of nowhere- a very high-speed thing that knocked him several feet backwards and onto the ground, totally winded.

Looking up, his heart briefly failed as he saw what they had unwittingly wandered right into. A gigantic flower on the ground, but stretching up from that was a large, almost serpent-like body, except with scythe-like arms stretching out at random every few feet, stretching high, high into the air, supporting a head with a mismatched mouth and several eyes (placed randomly, of course) in a twisted, mass-of-green-flesh head. The Flaaghra- well, now Mario knew he was lucky, once again, to only have been backhanded- it could just as easily have cut him open.

Mario glanced frantically between the Flaaghra and hole at its roots that the beast was struggling to drag Link into- I say struggling because Link had, at the last second, stuck his leg out and caught onto one of the roots. However, his resistance (I've always wanted to say this) was futile, and with a loud crack, his leg gave out and was dragged into the hole along with the rest of him.

"Mario!" Zelda cried. "We have to go back- the Master Hand!"

"No time," Mario grunted as he ran forward, only to be backhanded again. "That thing could eat him by the time we get there!"

"Mario, how are we going to get in without help?" Zelda asked, giving a grunt as she, too, got a backhand.

"If that wolf can get in there, we can!" Mario shouted back. He began making a run towards the roots, ducking under several of the Flaaghra's flailing arms. Nearby, he saw a flash of blue as Zelda took on the form of Sheik, presumably for better agility, before taking off after him, tucking and rolling and using all sorts of ninja tricks to follow, but they still weren't having much luck- the arms would periodically send them flying backwards, away from their goal.

"This is ridiculous!" Mario grumbled. Desperate, he summoned a handful of fire and tossed it at the Flaaghra itself- he knew it was valuable to the Smash Bros., but not as valuable as Link was to him, so screw it. Not that it mattered anyways- the fire seemed to be absorbed by the monstrous creature, only annoying it.

Zelda made an effort to toss several needles at their adversary, but they didn't fare much better than Mario's fire had, only succeeding in agitating the thing. "We need help!" she cried. "Somebody! Help us!"

As though her prayers were being answered, the Flaaghra suddenly froze where it writhed. Looking around, the three attempted to locate whoever had done it, only to see Simba the Meowth, placing a forepaw up on a small spot on the flower serving as the Flaaghra's base, which Mario couldn't have separated from the others by any stretch at all, but which seemed to have frozen the thing in place. Simba was looking back at them with an almost smug smirk on his face.

"How-" Zelda started.

"He's friends with that freaking wolf," Mario muttered. "I've seen them together."

However, the two of them didn't have much more time to talk- they sprinted into the hole at the Flaaghra's roots and began sprinting across it.

It was a long, dark, tunnel that, if we're going by the video game, was loaded with wels and salamanders, but the game's weird, so we're just going to ignore it for now. The two of them sprinted down a long, dark hallway formed mainly of earth and roots- it was clearly made in much more of a hurry than the passage Mario had been utilizing that ran from the library to Toad's Candy Shop. But, just like that passage, this one stretched on, and on, and on, and on, and _on, _and _on, _and _on_...

Eventually, Zelda asked the question that Mario had been wondering himself. "I don't suppose you know where this comes out, do you?"

"Not exactly," Mario gasped, struggling to breath as their run continued to stretch on and on. And on and on. "I mean, it _is _on the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion, but that thing didn't necessarily show where all the paths actually _went._ All I know is that it looked like it goes with the others to Kurain...

At some point, Simba managed to outstrip them and begin leading them down the hole, periodically looking back to make sure he hadn't lost them. It was almost as bad as that series of 'And climbings' that they'd gone through all those chapters ago.

And so it came to be that the two of them breathed a sigh of relief as the passage finally began to slope upwards- bad for their air-loving lungs, but good for the fact that they were finally reaching the end.

Finally, they reached a door of some sort, complete with knob. Turning it caused the wall it was set in to spin around, depositing the two of them in a room of some sort. Looking around, it was probably the dustiest room they'd ever seen, as though the building it belonged to had been abandoned for years. The walls were made out of wood, and there was no furniture- or much of anything else you'd associate with a room, for that matter. No windows, no real doors, no lights, no refrigerator, no _anything. _As they stepped forward, they heard a grinding noise and spun around to see the wall they'd come from spinning around again, revealing the only real homely touch in the room- a small fireplace.

"This room is _huge,_" Zelda commented, examining it closely. "What could possibly need a room this big?"

"Hard telling," Mario muttered. A feeling of dread was starting to take him. "Zelda," me said quietly, "doesn't this place look a little like..."

"Spooky's House of Jumpscares?" Zelda asked, betraying her own nervousness in her voice. "Why, yes, yes it does."

The two of them jumped as, suddenly, they heard a low moaning coming from higher up in the building, drawing their attention to a set of stairs nearby- a set of stairs where the dust had been disturbed, leaving a long stripe heading up it.

Without thinking, the two of them ran up the stairs and to an upper floor- where everything was just as large as down below. However, their attention was directed to the much smaller room at the very end, which they ran into to see a room furnished much better than the rooms before- it contained a few closets and even a few beds- one of which Link was leaning back in even as they entered.

"Link!" Mario gasped. "Where is it? Where's the wolf?"

"No wolf," Link grumbled, still struggling to keep hold of his cucoo even as he was clearly panicking and in pain from his leg- propped up at an awkward angle on the bed itself. "I mean, _he's _the wolf, but he's a slider!"

Mario was about to make a comment about how, shockingly, Samus's earlier prediction had come true, but the words froze in his mouth as he turned and his eyes fell on the man at the other end of the room.

Time had not been kind to him. His red hair had grown out long, and unkempt, causing it to fall to somewhere around the middle of his back in long, matted tangles. He was wearing rags compared the blue armor Mario had seen on him in pictures from the past, and his skin gave the impression that he was less a human being and more of a skeleton with skin stretched across it. But there was no mistaking it- he was face-to-face with Roy Alluvia at last.

"I knew you would come," he croaked- his voice seemed like he wasn't particularly used to using it. "Sorry to disappoint you, by the way, but despite what I look like, I'm at full health." With this, he raised a sword that they recognized as Link's power controller. The blade briefly lit up and fired a beam of sorts at them- Mario's hat and Zelda's gloves flew off of them, and Roy stepped forward to catch them.

"Yes, I knew you would come," Roy repeated. "You show a loyalty for your friend just like what your father showed for me- glad to see the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree."

Mario once again heard the rising-teapot-whistle noise that he commonly associated with Link about to flip his lid- but it wasn't Link, not this time. Mario wanted his hat back, and for the first time in his life, not because he wanted to defend himself- because there was someone in the room he hated, someone he wanted to attack, to burn, to kill. His hands trembled in pure fury, and he began to step forward, fire burning in his eyes.

Link and Zelda both acted at once- Zelda stepped forward to pull Mario back, but Link attempted to stand, saying, "You want to kill Mario? You'll have to go through us!"

Roy shook his head. "Save your strength, Mr. Faron," he said quietly. "You'll need it to get back to the mansion from here. You're not dying here, after all."

"Didn't you hear what I said?" Link growled, still struggling to stand- struggles that weren't going particularly well. "You want to hurt Mario, you'll have to go through us first!"

"Only one person's dying here," Roy shook his head.

"THEN IT'LL BE YOU!" Mario shouted, breaking free from Zelda's grip and tackling Roy head-on. Reason had been steadily seeping out of his head for the past few minutes. The fact that Roy was an adult, while he was still struggling to grow out his moustache? Gone. The fact that Roy had three power controllers compared to Mario's zero? Gone. The fact that Roy was a notorious mass-murderer responsible for the deaths of twelve muggles and two smashers, while Mario was still struggling to make a Ha Ha Ha properly? Gone. All that remained was this man's betrayal of his parents, his betrayal of their trust.

Mario didn't know if it was because Roy would never have expected him to do something so stupid or what, but by the time Roy made any effort to direct any of the power controllers at Mario, Mario was already on top of him, repeatedly slamming his fists into his face. "You were their friend!" he shouted, punctuating his blows with shouts. "And you betrayed them! THEY WERE YOUR FRIENDS!"

Finally, Roy recovered enough from the initial shock to fight back- he brought down the hilt of Link's sword on Mario's head, sending him reeling back, and giving him enough time to grab him around the throat with his bony hands.

"I've come too far to fail now!" Roy growled, eyes almost as wild as when he'd attacked Rosalina. "I've been coming towards this moment all year, and nobody's going to stop me now, not even you!"

What followed was a wrestling match for the century, as Zelda aimed a kick at Roy's head, knocking the various power controllers out of his possession and across the ground. Before Roy could stand, Link dove forward and tackled him, trying his best to avoid using his leg. Mario, still on the ground away from the match going on in front of him, turned and began making his way towards his hat. Fury rose in his heart as he saw Simba the Meowth crossing the floor towards the same target. All mercy gone from his heart, Mario aimed a kick at the feline, causing him to leap back, hissing and spitting. Mario grabbed onto his hat and spun around, flames stretching across his entire body in his fury. "OUT OF THE WAY!" he shouted at his friends, and, seeing the state he was in, both Link and Zelda dove as far away from Roy as they could. This made Mario come back to his senses a little, and the flames died down to the point that it was just a fireball in his hand. He leapt forward and tackled Roy again.

"Why so eager to keep everyone else alive all of a sudden, huh?" Mario bellowed. "Didn't care so much about collateral damage back when you were killing off your other friends, did you?!"

Roy, incredibly, remained calm throughout this. "You really plan on killing me, Mario?" he asked, eyes not even on the fire in his assailant's hand, but on his face. "That doesn't sound much like you at all..."

"YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!" Mario shouted.

"Well, that's not as far from the truth as it could be," Roy muttered. "But I'm afraid there's a little more to it than that. Stupid truth, always resisting simplicity, right?"

"I don't care how complicated you think it was!" Mario shouted. "It still boils down to you fingering my parents to Tabuu!"

He was preparing to throw his fireball, but was stopped as Simba stepped forward and casually sat down on Roy's face, turning to gaze up at Mario with his feline eyes.

"Get off," came Roy's voice from under Simba's butt. But Simba refrained from doing so, simply gazing up, looking less afraid or defiant and more simply interested in the fire in Mario's hand.

Mario felt his will waver a bit, but then it came back- this thing had been helping Roy all along! Why should he care? If it wanted to die, too, that only knocked two traitors out for the price of one!

And then came a strangled sob from Zelda, and Mario felt a sort of guilt in his chest. He didn't want to hurt Zelda like this, but the cat ('pokemon,' he subconsciously added,) had brought this on himself, hadn't he? It wasn't like Mario had put this cat here so he could incinerate it.

And Simba continued looking up at him, his eyes more interested than anything. Not telling him to attack or to not to, but purely fascinated to see what he _would _do.

For a few moments that seemed like a few millennia, they all sat their in their frozen positions- Zelda on the ground, Link leaning against the wall, and Mario torn between attacking Roy and not.

Now that he thought about it, did he really want to kill Roy? Silly question- he'd betrayed both his parents- but at the same time, since when had Mario become an executioner? If he really did this, was he really any better than that woman, Dahlia? Such were the philosophical debates raging in his head as they all sat there, unmoving.

Abruptly, from the lower floors, they all heard the grinding of gears that signified the secret passage opening up, and the quick footsteps that heralded someone else's arrival. Zelda jumped on the opportunity, calling out, "Come quick! We're up here! The room on the top floor! We need help- Roy Alluvia!"

Mario very briefly glanced at the doorway, before rounding back on Roy. The fire in his hand began to burn brighter- it was now or never. And yet, still, he couldn't quite bring himself to do it...

The door behind them crashed open, there was a flash of light, and Mario's hat went sailing off his head, extinguishing the fire in his hand. He spun around to see Fox standing in the doorway, blaster out. As he watched Fox fired the blaster twice more, causing Zelda's gloves and Link's sword, so recently reclaimed by their owners, to fly through the air and into his hand. Mario felt a sinking sensation in his stomach. It was too late. He hadn't done it. He'd failed to avenge his parents.

This sinking feeling briefly blinded him to the other things happening, as Simba leapt off of Roy's face and Roy himself began pulling himself to his feet. He finally tuned back in to reality as Fox stepped forward, his blaster aimed directly at Roy's heart. "About time the flesh reflects the madness within, Roy," he said, finger tight on the trigger.

Roy's eyes were flicking apprehensively between Fox's face and his finger on the trigger. "Well, I can't think of anyone more familiar with the madness within than you," he said.

Fox's eyes narrowed, his finger tightening, and then... "Where is he, Roy?"

Mario could make neither heads nor tails of this question, but it seemed to mean a great deal to Roy- an expression of relief filtered over his face, and he slowly brought up a finger to point over at Link. Nonplused, Mario turned to look at Link as well- Link, however, looked just as bewildered and mystified as everyone else present.

Once again, the one who didn't look at all confused was one of the adults standing there- an expression of comprehension was spreading across Fox's face. "But then- that would mean... Holy Wave Existence!" Fox gasped, stepping back and almost dropping his blaster. "You didn't- you switched- and didn't tell me?"

"Sorry, we thought you were the starman," Roy shrugged. "Probably would have saved me quite a bit of grief, huh?"

"I'd say," Fox gave a small smile, and suddenly stepped forward, and the two of them embraced like brothers.

Mario's heart dropped into his socks. Nothing could have prepared him for this. But as shocked as he felt, he wasn't the one to say anything- no, that honor belonged to Zelda.

"NO!" she cried. "I TRUSTED YOU! I BELIEVED IN YOU! I SPENT SOME TIME COVERING UP FOR YOU, AND... AND..."

"Zelda, please calm-" Fox started, but Zelda broke out again.

"ALL THIS TIME, YOU'VE BEEN HIS FRIEND!"

"Not quite," Fox shook his head, raising his hands. "It's been a while since I've been Roy's friend, and not this year for sure."

"Don't listen to him, Mario!" Zelda cried, appealing to the red-clothed pyromancer. "He's been helping Roy get into the mansion all year, he wants you dead as much as he does! He's... he's... HE'S A WERECREATURE!"

For a moment, Zelda's words hung in the air. Slowly, Fox began to speak. "How long did you know?" His face looked shocked, but his words were calm.

"Since Wolf set his werecreature essay," Zelda said, fury in her face. "After he did, I started noticing things... whenever you were on one of your 'extended leaves of absence,' it was always around the full moon. And your Tane-Tane- it's a full moon, isn't it?"

Fox sighed. "Well, Wolf should be happy- that _was_ the point behind the essay, of course. He was hoping someone would notice. But, I'm afraid you've only got one of three, Zelda- I haven't been helping Roy in, and while it's true that I want Mario dead as much as he does, it would really be more accurate to say that he doesn't want Mario dead any more than I do. But... there's no point denying it at this point- I _am_, indeed, a werecreature. Wrong on a couple points, but you really are one of the cleverest smashers of your age I've ever known."

"Not clever enough, obviously," Zelda growled. "I should have told everyone what was going on."

"Well, don't worry about that, they already know," Fox shrugged. "Well, the other teachers, at least."

"The Master Hand knew?!" Link cried, staring at him. "The Master Hand knew what you were, and he still hired you?! That's insane, he'd have to be worse than the Crazy Hand to-"

"Well, quite a few of the teachers thought he was," Fox acknowledged. "It took quite a bit of convincing before a lot of the teachers accepted that I could be trusted-"

Once again, Fox found himself being interrupted- this time by Mario. "AND THEY WERE WRONG! YOU'VE BEEN HELPING THAT TRAITOR THE WHOLE TIME!"

As he was speaking, Roy made his way over to one of the beds and took a seat, just in time for Simba, who hopped up onto his lap and began nuzzling him.

Fox sighed. "I haven't been helping him, and things are much more complicated than you know- and I am aware that you know quite a bit." Seeing that none of them seemed willing to listen quite yet, he sighed. "Alright, have it your way- this place is burger king." He raised up Mario's hat, and tossed it to its owner, he tossed Link's sword to its corresponding swordsman, and he tossed Zelda both her gloves and his own blaster. "There you go, you're all armed, we aren't. Now will you listen?"

Mario didn't know what to think at this point- the heck was going on? However, he gave a sigh. "Alright, Q&amp;A time- answer our questions, and we'd better like the answers! First question: if you haven't been helping Roy into the mansion, then how did you know we were here in the first place?"

"Easy," Fox noted. "The Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion. I figured you would-"

"Wait, you know how to work it?" Mario asked suspiciously.

"Well, I already knew it was a Guide, what made you think I wouldn't know how to work it, too?" Fox asked. "But yes, of course I do- I mean, I helped to make it, after all!"

"_You _helped-"

"Of course," Fox said, starting to sound impatient. "I'm Mr. Hyde- I was one of the Bombers in school- that's what your father, Roy, Louie, and I called ourselves in school! Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde! Anyways, that's not the point! The point is, I figured you would be making your way down to be with Crazy at Epona's execution- and I wasn't wrong, was I? I couldn't count on seeing you myself, I figured you'd be using the blanket-"

"You know about the blanket, too?" Mario gasped.

"Friend... with... your... father," Fox slowly enunciated, acting slightly out of character in his impatience. "Of course I knew about it! The point is, the Bomber's Guide shows everyone in the mansion, regardless of the disguise they use, so that's what I was using to try and track you down. I saw you go into Crazy's cabin, and then, to my astonishment, when you exited, you were traveling with... an extra guest, shall we say."

This was the most unbelievable thing Mario had heard yet. "What are you talking about? It was just the three of us that left Crazy's cabin!"

Fox didn't seem to be listening- he was pacing, a hand lifted to his chin. "I'll admit, it really threw me off, seeing that name there- how _could_ he be with you?"

"'He' wasn't!" Mario objected. "I'm pretty sure we'd have noticed-"

"And then came a dot labeled _Roy Alluvia_, who tackled Link and dragged two of you into the Flaaghra..."

"One of us!" Link shouted. "Roy only caught one of us!"

"Only one of you?" Fox asked, raising an eyebrow as he turned at last to face them. "I'm disappointed, Link, do you really think so little of your cucoo?"

Everyone froze, eyes falling on Oreo, who was back to being clenched in Link's hands. "W-what are you talking about?" Link asked, his eyes wide. "Okay, I _guess_ Oreo could count as a fourth... er, person... but why would that matter to you?"

"A good question, but he matters a great deal to me," Fox affirmed. "If you could hand him over..."

Oreo was back to writhing and struggling to free himself from Link's grip, leading to Link redoubling said grip to prevent him from escaping. With a quiet hiss, Simba suddenly stood from Roy's lap and headed over to the door, sitting down as if intent on preventing the cucoo from escaping.

Fox moved towards Oreo, examining him closely. "So, it really is true. Intriguing..."

"What is your weird fascination with my cucoo?" Link objected. "Back off, werecreature!"

Fox, wincing slightly, did indeed back off a bit. Roy, however, stood, fire stirring in his eyes as he growled, "Not a cucoo."

"What do you mean, he's not a cucoo?" Link gasped, staring at him. "What else could he be?"

"A slider," Roy growled. "A smasher who turned himself into a cucoo- a smasher by the name of-"

Suddenly, Mario, who'd been reading through _Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_ as fast as he could for the past few seconds put the pieces together and stood, saying, "Oh, let me guess, it's Louie, right?"

Nobody could tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but it didn't seem to matter to Roy, who turned on him, saying, "What? Of course not! You fool, LOUIE IS DEAD!"

_XXXX_

And with that Lovecraft reference (a nigh repeat of the last line of the short story, _The Statement of Randolph Carter_,) I leave you to the middle of this story. A couple notes- we don't have any questions today, but I _did _fail to answer one of FelineWithin's questions last chapter- namely, the Ha Ha Has are named for a collectopaedia item in Xenoblade. As anyone who's played that game could probably tell, Riki's the one who named it. Also, good news and bad news- the bad news first. The next chapter is probably going to be short. I mean, _really _short. Like, less than half the size of the usual Mario Mario chapter short. Now, on the flipside of this, this also means it will be pretty quick in coming- I should be ashamed if I can't get it up tomorrow, or at least on Tuesday. So, keep an eye out for that, and in the meantime, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	22. Captain America, Strider, Spiff, & Hyde

Gamer4 in. Updating even earlier than I'd thought here, mainly due to my complete inability to get a good night's sleep. So, in lieu of actual sleep, here's the next chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own the ability to functionally sleep at night.

Chapter XVIII

Captain America, Strider, Spaceman Spiff, and Mr. Hyde

"Wait, what?" Mario grunted in slight surprise. "Wait, so if it's not Louie... then who?"

"You already know, Mario," Fox said. "Think back, to all those chapters ago..."

Mario did so, straining his memory...

XXXX

"_Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Lucky said, raising his hands with a chuckle. "You can't just toss money around and _demand _to come on to our bus!"_

"_But you just said-"_

"_I know, I know, but the fact is, you need a reserva-_

XXXX

"Er, not quite _that _far back," Fox interrupted. "A _little _further down the line.

XXXX

"_Faron, Faron, you'll never break free, and little Mr. Mario will never catch me!"_

XXXX

"Just a _little_ farther," Fox noted. "In Kurain, they were talking about Louie with that... Sharla, right?"

XXXX

"_Wasn't he one of those boys that was always following Jake and Roy around?" Sharla noted. "Louie, and that other guy... what was his name? Mumtin? Mumkhaten? Something like that?"_

XXXX

"_There _you go," Fox nodded. "That's who it is."

"Mumtin?" grunted Roy. "His name is Mumkhar! Mumkhar Virgil, the man who betrayed Jake- along with all the rest of us!"

"_Mumkhar_?" Mario repeated, allowing the foreign name to roll off his tongue. "Who the heck is that? Is Gamer4 really getting that desperate to have some sort of twist?"

"Well, as we've already pointed out, it was _somewhat _foreshadowed," Fox shrugged. "And remember before that, when you and I were discussing gnosis and floows over Mountain Dew, and Wolf came in with his power-up? Remember what I said?"

XXXX

"_I had a few... friends, and then there was that one guy who was always following us, so fascinated with the Evils..."_

XXXX

"I wasn't talking about Wolf there," Fox explained, bringing them back to the present. "I was talking about Mumkhar- he wasn't one of the Bombers, but he really,_ really _wanted to be. Jake wouldn't let him because of his fascination with the Evils- and your father, whatever else may be said of him, _hated _the Evils."

Mario shook his head. "Hold up, hold up. I just remembered something else about that flashback!"

XXXX

"'Kill_ doesn't cover it," Olimar noted sadly. "He _destroyed _them. Of those smashers, all that was left was a finger each..."_

XXXX

"He said a little more than that, but I think that's all I need to remember for now," Mario concluded, tapping his finger agitatedly against his arm. "I think you see where I'm going with this- if _he-_" here, he threw another scathing glance at Roy, "killed Mumkhar, how could he be here, let alone as Oreo, of all things?!"

"I _didn't _kill him," Roy growled. "Sure gave it my best shot, but the little winnicot got away, didn't you, you little cucoo? But not this time- not this time!"

Roy seemed to have worked himself up into a frenzy- he jumped up and lunged towards Oreo, only for Fox to leap forwards and hold him back. "Not yet, Roy!" he yelled. "We can't just do it like that! We have to explain to them!"

"Explain later, kill now!" Roy growled.

"Just wait a few seconds longer!"

"I DID MY WAITING!" Roy shouted, breaking down as he grabbed at Oreo, who was back to squeaking madly and trying to escape Link's grip. "TWELVE YEARS OF IT! IN FREAKING SUBSPACE!"

"I know!" Fox called out over him. "I know you did, but just wait one more minute! Link deserves an explanation- he's been keeping Mumkhar as a pet for all those years! Heck, I'd like an explanation too, when it comes right down to it- there are parts of it even _I _don't get! And Mario, Roy! You owe Mario the truth, if nothing else!"

These words seemed to finally get through to Roy, he slowly ceased his attack and returned to the bed he'd been sitting on. Even as he spoke, he still refused to look away from Oreo. "Alright, Fox, let's do this thing. But make it quick- I've done the time, now it's time for me to do the crime."

"Yeah, well, as fun as this has been," came Link's voice, and they turned to see him struggling back to a sitting position, "I just wanted to say- you guys are freaking insane. So... yeah, screw this, I'm out of here."

He attempted to stand, but his leg crumpled beneath him. Fox, looking concerned, stepped forward and eased Link back onto the bed. "Come on, just hear us out," he said. "At least rest your leg. And while you're at it, keep a tight grip on Mumkhar, alright?"

"Oreo! You mean Oreo!" Link objected, glaring at his teacher.

Mario stepped in. "There was a whole street full of witnesses who saw what happened! Who saw Roy kill them!"

"A little magic trick, put on by Brutus over there!" Roy spat.

"It was pretty convincing," Fox acknowledged, "and even I found myself believing it- until I saw Mumkhar on the map."

"The map was lying," Mario retorted.

"The map never lies!" Roy growled, bursting out. "We designed it to be flawless- it's not some joke item you can get anywhere! It never lies, and it never fails!"

Mario, Link, and Zelda glanced at each other, as though to reassure themselves that, despite all this, there was _some _semblance of sanity left in the Universe. They all seemed to reach a consensus- there was no way these two still had their marbles. Roy, at least, made sense- perhaps the floows had gotten to him more than was previously thought. The real question, then, was how he'd managed to convince Fox...

Zelda spoke up. "Mr... Mr. Mccloud?" she stuttered. "It's not possible for Mumkhar to be Oreo. You do know that, right? You... you do realize that, don't you?"

"Well, that's a very interesting concept, in its own way," Fox mused. "Certainly a position you could argue- and I can't wait for you to do so."

"Well," Zelda said, looking somewhat taken aback, "er... Well, for one thing, the Government keeps a record of all sliders in the country, Samus told us so. I did some research, and there have only been a handful of sliders in the last century, and there wasn't any Mumkhar on the lists..."

Fox gave a chuckle. "I have to hand it to you, Zelda, you really put 110% into your homework! But there's a flaw in your theory- back when I was in school, there were four sliders that never registered with the Government- and if you want proof, just look at Roy. You didn't see his name anywhere on the register, did you?"

As Zelda opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water, Roy spoke up again. "Enough beating around the bush, Fox, just tell them the dang story!"

Fox sighed. "I didn't think it was possible," he muttered, "but you've actually grown even more impatient since I first knew you. Alright, I'll tell them, but you're going to have to help me out here- I only know the beginning."

He opened his mouth to speak again, but he found himself interrupted by a sudden clunking noise below. A moment or two later, everyone's eyes fell on the doorway. It creaked a bit, and the door seemed to move the slightest fraction of an inch, and then all was still. "Okay, _that _was creepy," Fox noted, still sounding perfectly calm.

"What do you expect?" Link grunted. "This is the most haunted building on the continent!"

"Not quite," Fox shook his head, sticking out a finger. "There were never any ghosts in here... I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but the noises heard by the locals were made by me."

Finally satisfying himself that whatever had moved the door was the wind, or something similar, he turned and sighed. "That's where it really starts, I suppose," he said. "The day I became a werecreature. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me- and my own idiocy..."

Link looked like he was going to interrupt again, but Mario raised a hand to silence him. He couldn't quite say why, but he wanted to hear Fox out.

"It happened when I was very young, around the time Tabuu was first rising to power," Fox explained. "My parents had offended him, so he sicced the leader of his werecreature division on me. At the time, there was no cure, no way to ease the suffering that I endured once a month. Recently, there have been advances in that field- thank the Wave Existence- and since then, things have been a little better. Hence the power-up you saw Wolf making for me, Mario," he added, nodding. "It lets me keep my own mind whenever I transform, so I can just lean back, relax, and wait for the moon to wane. Unfortunately, like I said, that power-up was just discovered a few years ago- up to that point, there was no way to stop me from becoming a complete monster every time the moon was full. Perhaps you and Zelda aren't aware of this, Mario, but werecreatures in the world of smashers don't get the most hospitable treatment- there's a great deal of prejudice against us, so it seemed highly unlikely that I'd ever be able to go to the Smash Bros...

"It was the Master Hand that saved me. He held a belief that, if anyone wanted to come to school, they should be able to, regardless of any outside factors. It wouldn't be easy, he knew, but he was willing to go the extra mile to allow me a place here." Here, he allowed himself a sigh. "I think I told you before, Mario, that the Flaaghra was planted the year I came here. Well, that's more true than you realize- in fact, the Master Hand planted it because I came here. For that matter, this place- Spooky's House of Jumpscares? The path between the Flaaghra and this place? Built in the same year, for the same reason. The Master Hand would guide me, every full moon, into this tunnel and to the building at the end, so I could transform in relative isolation. The Flaaghra was to keep kids who might get curious away. It wasn't the most elegant solution, of course, but I was grateful to even be able to come here, and, at the time, it was just about the best we really had."

Mario still didn't know where Fox was going with this, but, for the moment, he was allowing him the benefit of the doubt. Aside from Fox's voice, the only other sound in the room was Oreo's squeaks as he continued bids for freedom much more violent than anything they'd seen from Mr. Saturn.

"As you may have surmised," Fox continued, "the rumors surrounding this place also came about from my... condition. When a werecreature is transformed, the only thing they want is to attack- to kill. But, of course, I was isolated here, so the only thing I could do was attack myself. The sounds created by me was enough to scare people away from this building for years, even after it fell silent.

"Not that I'm complaining, mind you- if you put aside that monthly occurrence, I was the happiest I'd been in years! I was at school, with others my own age, and, for the first time, I had real friends- Roy Alluvia, Louie Garfield, even Mumkhar Virgil, to an extent- though, like I said, he never really joined the club- and, of course, your father, Mario- Jake Mario."

"Now, they all thought it was somewhat suspicious that I disappeared every month, at the full moon. I gave some vague excuses, but it wasn't the most subtle thing in the world, so it didn't exactly take much detective work for them to figure it out, and sure enough, they did. The day they confronted me was one of the most terrifying of my life- I was afraid they would disown me as their friend...

"But they didn't at all! They, too, were sympathetic to my plight, and even took steps to help me! What they did would ensure that my transformations would actually be the best times of my life- they became sliders."

"Including my Dad?" Mario gasped.

"Sure enough," Fox smiled. "I think Mumkhar was following along with our notes, despite not being in our group- he, of course, took the form of a cucoo. Roy, as you already know, took the form of a wolf. For Louie, it was a Caustic Dweevil*, and for your father, Mario-

"

Here, he was interrupted by an impatient grunt from Roy. Fox sighed, and said, "Alright, alright! Anyways, werecreatures only attack people, you see. Animals aren't in nearly as much danger, so that's the form they took to counter it. It was usually up to Louie to touch the Flaaghra in the spot that would freeze the thing in place, so the rest of us could go through the tunnel and eventually arrive in Kurain. Eventually, we decided to explore the grounds and the mansion itself, in addition to Kurain- and from those explorations came the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion, which we all took credit for under our nicknames- Mr. Hyde for me, Spaceman Spiff for Louie, Strider for Roy, and, of course, Captain America for Jake. I doubt anyone ever found out as much about the Smash Mansion as we did..."

"HOLD IT!" Zelda cried. Stamped words. "But that was still dangerous- what was to stop you from sneaking off and attacking someone!"

"I can't deny that that thought has haunted me for many years now," Fox sighed. "And I won't lie and say that everything always went smoothly, 100% of the time. There _were _plenty of times that something like that _did _happen, but we never really took those times seriously. Not as much as we should have. I felt guilty every now and again, about betraying the Master Hand's trust- he lets me into the school when no one else would have, and how do I repay him? By helping three- little did I know at the time, _four- _other students into becoming sliders so that we could put the entire mansion at risk on a monthly basis. I had pangs, but, of course, I was to frightened by the consequences to ever come clean. I'd like to say I've changed since then, but...

"I still have yet to tell him, even to this day. It's been eating away at the back of my mind- should I tell the Master Hand about Roy's little ability? What if _that's _how he's been getting into the mansion all this time? But admitting that would be like admitting my own compliance in everything he did, so I convinced myself that he was using some form of the Evils- of course, he was Tabuu's right hand man, why _wouldn't_ he have taught him all sorts of tricks that we on the side of light could hardly comprehend?" Fox shook his head. "I've been such a fool... I suppose this means that, to an extent, Wolf's been right about me the whole time."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, _whoa,_ back up!" You might think this objection came from Mario, Link, or Zelda, but no- it came, of all people, from Roy. "Wolf? When did Wolf come into this conversation?"

"He's here," Fox explained. "He's the power-ups teacher right here at the Smash Mansion." Seeing the looks on Mario, Link, and Zelda's faces, he elaborated. "Wolf came to school at the same time, and he had something of a rivalry with Jake. He wasn't exactly over the moon- no pun intended- about me getting the Protection from the Evils job, and he's been suspecting me all year of helping Roy in. As I said, not the most unfounded statement in the world, though not in the way he thinks. Anyways, Roy played a prank on him that almost resulted in his death-"

"The little stalker deserved it," Roy growled. "Jake called Mumkhar a stalker, and maybe he was, but no, Wolf was the real stalker. Always following us everywhere, trying to find something he could use to get us expelled..."

"Go home, Roy, you're drunk," Fox muttered. "Well, not so much 'drunk' as 'not thinking straight from all that time in Subspace...' Anyways, Wolf _was _incredibly interested in finding out where we all went every month, so Roy thought it would be funny to tell him about the Flaaghra's little weakness- prod the spot on the flower's base, and he could follow us into the tunnel. Well, I think he used Mumkhar as a middleman... I'm not entirely certain, I wasn't even aware of it until long after it happened. Anyways, he was halfway down the tunnel by the time Jake found out, and it was only Jake's intervention that saved Wolf's life- but not before he saw me, right in the middle of transforming, down at the end of the tunnel. The Master Hand did all he could to keep him quiet, but the damage was done- from that day on, he knew the truth."

"I see," Mario said, putting on his own patented 'thinking-things-over' face again. "So, the reason he hates you is because he thinks you were in on it..."

"That sums it up, yes," said a voice, and everyone froze, because it wasn't the voice of Mario, Link, Zelda, Roy, or even Fox. Everyone turned, slowly, to face the opposite end of the room, where a sixth smasher had appeared, slowly taking off a large white blanket with color splashed on one side... an anthro with grey fur, and currently reaching for a blaster...

"Hello, Roy," Wolf snarled. "It's been too long."

_XXXX_

Well, I have some job training to do later today, and I'm running on very little sleep, so I'll go ahead and cut it here. Yeah, like I said last time, very short chapter. Hopefully, us being in the thick of things will lead to some faster updates, but until next time, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism, as ever, embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out.


	23. The Man in the Feathered Mask

Gamer4 in. I feel like there's something I really want to say, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Whatever, I'll remember it later. On with the chapter.

Disclaimer: No time for one of these, I'm busy trying to remember what it is I wanted to say...

Chapter XIX

The Man in the Feathered Mask

It felt as though Wolf had announced his arrival with an electric pulse throughout the room. Everyone was staring at him, mouths open in shock and, in some cases, horror.

Wolf slowly and deliberately raised his blaster to point at Roy, finer poised on the trigger. In his other hand, he still held the blanket. "Found it next to the Flaaghra," he growled, eyes flicking over to Mario. "I would have thought that you'd learn to be more careful with your possessions after your kart, but I guess some people never learn. Not that I'll criticize you _too _much for it- it served its purpose to me, after all."

For another moment, everyone sat there, frozen in time. Finally, Wolf sighed. "Well, this got boring fast," he growled. "Nobody's going to talk? Nobody's going to ask me the obvious question? 'How did you know we were all out here, Mr. O'Donnell?'" Another few moments of silence- Mario refused to give him the satisfaction. Another sigh, and Wolf continued. "Very well- I was delivering your power-up, Fox, you've been a little short on your medicine lately. You weren't there when I arrived in your office, but you know what was?" Still more silence. "Oh, you're no fun," Wolf muttered. "The wonderful guide that you and your gang of rats drew up back in the 'best years of our lives,' remember?"

For the first time, Fox made an effort to speak. "Wolf-"

For someone who'd been so eager to hear them speak, Wolf sure backtracked quickly- "I tried to tell the Master Hand. I really did- I was telling him all year that you and that winnicot over there were in cahoots- and now, finally, I have the proof!"

"Wolf," Fox spoke again, struggling to remain calm, "think about what you're doing! You haven't heard everything yet- Roy's not here to kill Mario, he never wanted that-"

"One for Subspace tonight," Wolf continued, almost refusing to hear what they were saying. "And another for execution, I'm afraid."

"Wolf, don't be a fool-" Fox started.

"Oh, don't try that on him, he can't help it, it's in his blood," Roy snarled.

"That's not going to help, Roy," Fox shook his head.

"You don't tell me what will or won't help!" Roy cried, jumping to his feet.

"You two must have gotten married while I was away- you certainly argue like it," Wolf commented, the corner of his mouth twitching in amusement.

"Why not go and play with your chemistry set?" Roy retorted.

"Wait," Mario asked, "when did you hear what he taught?"

Everyone was silent for a moment. Finally, Fox spoke again. "Look, Wolf, he wronged you, we know that, but is a schoolboy grudge really worth killing an innocent-" Once again, he was cut off- Wolf spun around and fired his blaster, stunning Fox and knocking him to the ground.

Roy jumped up again with a roar of rage, running at Wolf. Wolf, snarling, spun towards him, aiming his blaster directly at Roy's forehead, causing the latter to stop in his tracks to avoid being skewered by the knife-like edge of the gun. "Give me a reason!" Wolf shouted. "Give me a reason to do it, I beg you!"

Mario was feeling very wrong-footed. Everything seemed to have spun around and turned upside down since they entered Spooky's House of Jumpscares (TM). Looking around at everyone, the only ones he could definitively call an ally or an enemy were Link and Zelda- his friends. Everyone else, it was up in the air. And speaking of Zelda...

Zelda, despite looking just as wrong-footed as Mario felt, stepped forward and raised her hand. "Mr... Mr. O'Donnel? Maybe we should hear them out- I mean, isn't it due process that they get to give their side of the story? And if they're right, then somebody else needs to go to jail- wouldn't it be the... logical... thing... to... do?"

Those periods were because Zelda was quailing beneath the furious glare of Wolf. The only time Mario had seen Wolf this angry was back in _Hylian Stone,_ when Mario had seen evidence that Wolf might be after the titular Macguffin. It strongly resembled the Insanity Wolf meme from the muggle world, and showed off the anthro's wolf side much more than his human. "Zelda Hyrule!" he shouted. "You will shut your ungodly, lopsided mouth and leave it to me! You're already facing expulsion for what you've done, without interfering with the course of justice!"

This said, he spun on Roy. "Vengeance truly is sweet," he growled, a very nasty smile spreading across his face. "I'd hoped to catch you- it's been almost all I've thought about this whole year."

"I'll make you a deal," Roy growled, hands in the air. "I'll follow you back up to the mansion, just put me in a room with that cucoo over there-" here, he pointed at Oreo (remember Oreo? It's a story about Oreo,)- "and call President Tate. There's a little something he needs to see."

"Why go all the way back to the mansion?" Wolf asked. "Such a long hike, and you're going to be executed anyways- why not just take you right to the floows? Ah, they'd love to see you... have you heard about their final attack? I have- I've done quite a bit of research- it's supposed to be horrible to witness, but I promise you that I'll do my best."

Mario felt something in him snap. He knew Wolf was unreasonable at the best of times, but he wasn't going to let this go on. He strode across the room and dramatically pointed at his power-ups teacher. "OBJECTION!" he cried, causing the word to appear in its usual stamp. "I don't know about Roy, but Fox had plenty of chances to kill me this year- I was even taking private lessons with him, he had _no _shortage of opportunities! If he was really in cahoots with Roy, why not kill me then?"

"Werecreatures are beasts with abysmally substandard intelligence!" Wolf growled. "Don't ask me, I didn't give you those lessons, nor was it my plan to kill you!"

"YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR AN ANTHRO!" Mario shouted, the blatant prejudice flaring him up. "YOU HATED THEM WHEN YOU WERE KIDS, AND NOW YOU'LL SEND INNOCENT PEOPLE TO DIE, ALL THE WHILE INSULTING THEIR INTELLIGENCE AND IGNORING ANY CONTRARY EVIDENCE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE?!"

"The Harry Potter Headscratchers page on TvTropes?" Wolf asked, snarking. "Or, perhaps, AFOSB? That joke has run its course!"

Mario crossed to the door, stretching out his arms to block the door. An idea forming in his head, he called out, "I'm not letting anyone leave this house!"

Before he could continue, Wolf shouted, "Mario, you are in enough trouble as is! Back away from that door or I _will_ shoot you!"

"I can't do that, _sir_," Mario growled, snarking right back. "You see, as of now, I'm Roy's guardian!"

The word had exactly the desired effect. Roy's eyes suddenly flared up, and he started shouting, "WHEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?! WHEEEEERE'S THE GUARDIAN?!"

"What the-" Wolf gasped as Roy suddenly grabbed his arm, wrenching it down and grabbing the blaster.

"I WILL MURDER YOUR FACE!" he was shouting. "GIVE ME THAT!" He straightened up, waving the blaster around. "A COMPASS! IT'LL LEAD ME TO THE GUARDIAN!" he shouted. Abruptly, he looked down at Wolf. "And now he's dead. Or just unconscious. I don't know, he might be dead."

For a moment, he stood there blinking, before he finally seemed to come to himself. Looking up at Mario, he sighed. "And you accuse _me _of knowing things I shouldn't," he muttered. He crossed the room and helped Fox to his feet. After being shaken awake, the orange anthro seemed pretty good (Ocelot gesture) to stand on his own.

"Wait, if Mario prompted him to attack Wolf..." Zelda muttered, connecting imaginary dots in the air with her finger, "doesn't that mean that, by proxy, Mario attacked Wolf?"

"We can hammer out the fine details later," Mario muttered, waving her question aside. Looking pointedly at Fox, he added, "and don't think this means I believe you, either. I've just had enough of injustice, what with what's been happening to Crazy and Epona- I want you two to be able to tell your stories, whether I believe them or not."

"Well, I appreciate it nonetheless," Fox nodded. "Now, back to the subject we were on..."

"Oh, come on, this is ridiculous!" Link objected. "What makes you think that this..._ Mumkhar _is my cuccoo anyways?"

"Actually, that's a good question," Fox noted, shaking a finger. "How _did _you work that out, Roy?"

Roy reached into a pocket and produced a newspaper. "I got this, way back in the first chapter!" They all looked at it- it was the article detailing Link's recent vacation. And sitting on his shoulder, of course, was-

"There he is!" Fox exclaimed.

"That's right," Roy agreed, turning on Mumkhar himself, who was still busy trying to wipe the water from his hair. "This little squit convinced Louie that _I _was the traitor! They hunted me down, Louie cried about it for everyone to hear- he always _was _overly dramatic- and then Mumkhar blew up the whole freaking street! Killed all those muggles, and Louie, and then framed me! Probably ran off as a cucoo in the confusion..."

Simba jumped up on the bed Link was currently on, causing Oreo to fly into yet another panic. "Get that thing away from me!" Link shouted.

"Don't call this cat a thing!" Roy retorted.

"Cat pokemon," Mario noted reflexively.

"Cat _pokemon_," Roy agreed. "This is one of the most clever creatures I've ever encountered! He's been helping me all year, keeping me company- even over Christmas!"

"He... he has?" Zelda gasped.

"He's been all I've had since I broke out," Roy smiled, stroking the Meowth gently. "Helped me to get into the mansion all those times... stole that boy in green's passwords... brought me a few magazines to read...

"I guess Mumkhar here eventually got wise to what was going on, decided he was going to fake his death- left some blood on the sheets and ran for it..."

Mario had previously been pacing, struggling to make sense of it all. Suddenly, something occurred to him. "And why was that?!" he asked, turning on them. "Because he knew you were going to kill him, just like you killed Mom and Dad!"

"Well, I'm certainly planning on killing _him_," Roy muttered.

"Then I should have let Wolf take you! If I hadn't interfered..."

"Mario!" Fox intervened. "You've got it all wrong! It's all based on a misconception at the very beginning- that Roy betrayed your parents, and Mumkhar tracked him down! But it's the other way around- Mumkhar stabbed your parents in the back, and Roy tracked _him_ down!"

"BULLCRUD!" Mario shouted. "HE EVEN SAID AS MUCH! BEFORE YOU TURNED UP, HE ADMITTED THAT HE BETRAYED THEM!"

"Not quite," Roy objected, shaking his head. "My actual words were, 'that's not as far from the truth as it could be.' It isn't _actually _the truth, but it's not far from it- I may as well have. I convinced your parents to put Mumkhar in charge of their Magicant at the last second- I mean, come on, would _you _have thought it would be him? I mean, he wasn't even named properly until last chapter. I certainly thought Tabuu would overlook him, but I was wrong- Mumkhar was working for Tabuu already. It was my idea to hand the secret to him, and because of that, your parents are dead."

Mario glared at him, causing Fox to sigh. "Still don't believe us, huh? Well... how about some evidence? I hear that's the real mover and shaker of law... besides prejudice and money, of course." Shrugging, he turned to Link, and, speaking as overly dramatically as possible, announced, "Bring forth the cucoo, Link!"

Link was still hesitating. "What are you going to do to him?"

"We're going to mess with his slider powers," Fox explained. "It's something that only works on sliders- if he really is a normal cucoo, it will do nothing."

Roy stood, his eyes lighting up. "I see where you're going with this," he grinned. "Yeah, that'll give us much more control..."

Link looked between them. "You swear that it won't hurt him?" he asked. Fox nodded. Slowly, reluctantly, Link raised up Oreo, squeaking and writhing more than ever, and offered no resistance as Fox stepped forward to claim him. Quietly, he placed the cucoo on the floor, and Roy and Fox gathered in just the right positions to prevent the bird from fleeing. Slowly, Fox raised his blaster, and Roy stepped over to Link's bed, borrowing his sword.

"On three?" Roy asked, looking up. Fox nodded, and they bobbed their heads in unison, counting it off. One... two... three!

Both of them acted at once- Fox fired his blaster, and a beam of light fired through Link's sword. Both beams hit Oreo at once, and... nothing happened.

Mario looked up at them, eyes half-closed. "And that proves... what?"

"We're not _quite _finished yet," Fox waved him aside. "Does anyone have a bottle of water?"

"No, why would we-" Mario started, only for Zelda to raise a bottle of Dasani-brand bottled water, saying, "Here you go."

"Thank you," Fox nodded, accepting it.

"...Why did you have that on you?" Mario asked, staring.

Zelda blushed, her eyes downcast. "I get thirsty, okay!"

Fox poured a little of the water onto his hand. "No... too cold. It needs to be warm... Mario?"

Mario, having no idea where this was going, accepted the water and willed his hands to become warmer without actually summoning any fire. A little later, he handed the bottle back to Fox.

"Oh, this really _is _hot," Fox smiled.

"The more uncomfortable, the better," Roy snarled.

Finally, Fox reached out and poured the hot water on the poor cucoo.

Oreo screeched as the water made contact with its feathers- except, as the water covered him, the feathers disappeared. Oreo began to rapidly expand, growing up from the ground, hair stretching out from its head, but disappearing everywhere else, clothes making themselves seen...

When it was all done, a man stood, shuddering, where Oreo had been moments before. "It... it doesn't have to be _that _hot, does it?" he asked.

Mario stared. This man, honestly, bore some resemblance to Snape from the source material- if Snape was a heroin addict who had just celebrated pulling three all-nighters in a row by having a huge drinking party. He had long, oily, greasy hair that fell down to his back, and his face was incredibly haggard. A scraggly beard was on his chin, but nothing that looked full and healthy. He was perpetually hunched over, his voice was unpleasant and gravelly, and he wore a suit of strange armor that ended- on his hands, at least- in claws.

"Holy Farore..." Link gasped, horror etching itself into every facet of his face.

"They-... they were actually right!" Zelda gasped.

"I knew it," Roy growled. "I freaking knew it!"

Fox, however, addressed Mumkhar. "Hey, Mummy!" he said cheerfully. "It's been so long!"

Mumkhar ceased his efforts to wipe the water out of his hair (a lost cause if there ever was one) and looked up at him. "Oh, F-F-Fox!" he said, smiling nervously. "Long time, no see, huh? Boy, do we have a lot of catching up to do, I hear there are some good bars over in Kurain, how about we-" As he spoke, he made his way towards the door, but Fox casually reached out and grabbed him, throwing him back into the room. However, when he spoke again, his voice was quite calm.

"We were just having a talk about the events surrounding Sarah and Jake's deaths," he explained. "Roy here has a very interesting theory- I don't know if you heard it, but he posits that _you're _the one who was in charge of their Magicant, and _you're _the one who handed them over to Tabuu!"

"Y-you don't actually believe that, right?" Mumkhar said, that nervous smile looking less and less like a smile with every passing second- and his eyes kept roving around the room, searching for some means of egress.

"Well, things certainly don't look good for you," Fox admitted, "but there are a couple points I'm a little hazy-"

"He's here to try and kill me again!" Mumkhar interrupted. "Don't let him do it, Fox, don't! You were always the smart one, you must know- it wasn't me! Fox, I need your help!"

"Nobody's going to kill you, Mumkhar, not yet," Fox shook his head. "As I was saying, there are a few points I'm still hazy on, and I'd like-"

"Hazy?!" Mumkhar cried, his eyes almost as wild as Oreo's. "_Hazy?!_ What's there to be hazy about?! He's here to kill me! I knew he'd be after me- ever since he was first locked up, I knew he'd come!"

"Quite a thing to guess," Fox noted. "After all, it's been twelve years- thirteen, almost. And, after all, nobody ever broke out of Subspace before."

"That... that..." Mumkhar choked, looking like he was seriously considering tearing up the floorboards. "That ain't got nothing to do with it! He was the Great Darkness's right hand man! Of course he would have been taught all sorts of things about the Evils that no decent smasher-"

"Tabuu, teach me?" Roy laughed. "_Tabuu_, give me his precious secrets? You always were a comedian!"

Mumkhar flinched upon hearing the name. "Oh, what's the matter, scared?" Roy asked, stealing the unconscious anthro's lines. "Yeah, I see right through you. You don't give a crud about me, do you? No, it's all of Tabuu's followers you've been hiding from!" Sighing when he heard what Mumkhar was grumbling, he objected, "_No, I am not repeating myself!_ The truth is, you're the only one they hate more than Mario! Mario may have defeated Tabuu, but that would have happened if it weren't for the information _you _gave him, would it? So, the good guys hate you because you betrayed Jake and Sarah, and the baddies hate you because it looks like you betrayed _them_, too! You're such a popular guy!"

"F-Fox..." Mumkhar stuttered. "Help me... you have to beLIEve me!"

"And with that, you are really losing my support," Fox shook his head. "Yes, we get it, the word 'believe' contains the word 'lie!' Enough horrors have pointed that out, alright?!" Shaking his head a little more, he continued. "In all seriousness, though, I can't really understand why you'd be hiding if you really were innocent."

"Well, of course I was hiding from Tabuu's supporters! Of course they hate me- me and Louie put one of their best men in prison!"

Roy shook his head. "Well, aside from you changing your story _again_, I'm really starting to wonder how you ever fooled us. You have no loyalty- you never did. You just follow whichever side seems to be winning. I should have known you were the mole all along- it was probably the best moment of your sad, pathetic life, telling Tabuu you could hand him two of Philanthropy's greatest advocates!"

"OBJECTION!" came another shout, and another stamp. Everyone turned to see Zelda with her index finger outstretched. Despite the conviction-sounding statement, she looked nervous as she offered said objection. "I just thought... the thing is, Mumkhar and Mario have been sleeping in the same room every night for three years now!" She paused here, as if mentally desiring to wash her tongue after uttering that sentence. "Anyways... he had plenty of opportunity to hurt Mario in that time, so... why didn't he?"

"Ah, clever girl!" Mumkhar said, the light of hope returning to his eyes. "You know, she's exactly right, why would I want to hurt a hair on Mario's head?"

"Too easy," Roy snarled. "The thing about you, Mumkhar, is that you never do anything unless you're certain to get something out of it! And what would you have gotten out of hurting Mario? The satisfaction of killing the person who put you in that position to begin with, and then... being torn apart by all his fans, friends, and teachers. Not exactly worth it, hm? But, in your position, you were ideally placed to strike if you heard that Tabuu was back- when there was someone who would _reward _you for it, and protect you from any reciprocation! You're the worst kind of coward- I'd call you a chicken, or a snake, but that would be an insult to both!"

"Um..." Zelda interjected again, stuttering slightly. "Mr... Mr. Alluvia?" Roy suddenly calmed, looking at her with surprise in his eyes. Clearly, he wasn't used to being addressed thusly. "If... if it's alright for me to ask... just out of curiosity, you understand- how _did_ you break out of Subspace?"

"An excellent point!" Mumkhar quickly leapt on Zelda's words like a drowning man for a life preserver. "So, tell us, oh great Roy Alluvia, just how _did _you do it, if you didn't use arts taught to you by the Great-"

"Oh, shut up," Roy growled, taking out a bottle of cold water and dumping it on Mumkhar. Mumkhar gave a squawk of surprise as he suddenly turned back into Oreo. He left it to Fox to find some more warm water to turn him back, and, in the meantime, turned to Zelda with a thoughtful look in his eyes. "An interesting question," he acknowledged. "The first thing, of course, was to stop myself from going insane- no small task, since those freaks of nature were outside my door dawn, dusk, and night. I know I didn't keep it together as well as I might have," he added, seeing the looks on their faces, "but I think that I'm pretty normal for having spent thirteen years in that place- or, at least, we can go ahead and pretend that, okay? Anyways, I think I was able to keep it together in there because I knew I was innocent- not quite a happy thought, because that didn't stop me from getting landed in there in the first place..." Here, there was a pause as Roy muttered something that sounded very much like "Freaking von Karmas..." before he returned to speaking. "But it kept me sane. The floows couldn't take it, but they couldn't use it to mind rape me like they did the other inmates. Of course, there were still nights where I felt so overwhelmed by everything... so I turned into a wolf. Animals still get affected by floows, but they don't seem to get impacted as heavily as humans. And... that's how I did it.

"It was my slider form that saved me, in the end. They have special cells prepared for sliders, but, of course, nobody knew that I _was _one, so they just lumped me in a normal cell. I fasted for a while, not eating any of the food they gave me- sounds difficult, but believe me, if you see the food they serve there, it's _much _easier than you'd think- and, when I got nice and thin, my wolf form was finally skinny enough to slip through the bars. I swam as far away from Prison Island as I could, until I got picked up by a ship full of muggles who mistook me for a survivor of a shipwreck. I sailed with them back to the mainland, then started my trip to the Smash Bros. I knew Mumkhar was near you, and I couldn't let him strike, as I knew he would if he ever heard that Tabuu was rising again. It's all I thought about for the whole year- keeping you safe. For the most part, I spent the year in this house, along with a few outings to the Lost Woods whenever the mood struck. The only time I took a particularly large risk was when I came to watch the Smash-Up match between you and Hal- unfortunately, also the match that the floows interrupted, because I was enjoying myself- you're just as good with a kart as your father was!"

Roy allowed himself a moment or two to breath after that wall of text, and spent it smiling proudly at Mario. Mario felt something stirring in his chest that he couldn't entirely recognize.

Finally, Roy spoke again. "So, you're saying this is a trial, right? Well, I've presented my defense the best I know how. All I can do now is await your verdict. What's your choice, Mario?"

Mario looked around the room, from Link and Zelda's faces, to Fox and Roy, and, of course, at Mumkhar, looking more nervous than ever before as he waited for Mario's verdict to fall. Finally, Mario decided- if he was going to do this, he was going to do it properly- with another reference. Slowly, he raised his hand, summoning fire to it, to point at Roy. "You..." he said, menacingly and dramatically... "Innocent." With that final word, he lowered his hand, extinguishing the flames.

"NOOOOOOO!" Mumkhar cried, as though Roy's sentence of liberation had been his own death sentence. "NOOOO!" Terrified, he crawled over to Link. "Link, you wouldn't let them hurt me, would you? I was your pet for all those years, I stood by you, I attacked that boy in yellow-"

Link, however, had turned white with sheer horror. His mouth was opening and closing, before he finally spoke. "You... all that time... in my _bed!_"

Mumkhar instead turned towards Zelda. "Come on, you're the smart one, right? You're a wise girl, a clever girl, you won't let them-"

Zelda kicked out at him to keep him away, a look on her face as though he were a particularly large and loathsome ASFOSB. Finally, Mumkhar turned to his last resort- Mario. "Mario, your father wouldn't have let them hurt me! He would have understood, he would have shown mercy-" Mario didn't get a chance to speak before Mumkhar was wrenched away by Roy and Fox- the latter of whom had finally released the restraints on his emotions.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT JAKE AND SARAH IN FRONT OF HIM!" Roy shouted.

Fox looked almost as furious as Wolf always did as he snarled, "Roy's trial is over, Mumkhar, now it's your turn! Your charge- selling Jake and Sarah to Tabuu! If you have any objections, speak now or forever hold your peace!" As he shouted this, he lifted his blaster and pointed it at him.

Mumkhar choked. "You don't understand! He made me- forced me- coerced me!"

"BUBKISS!" Roy shouted. "YOU WERE PASSING INFORMATION TO HIM LONG BEFORE JAKE AND SARAH WENT INTO HIDING!"

"The Great Darkness had so many weapons- we didn't stand a chance of winning, we would have all died!" Mumkhar cried. "What would you have done, Roy?"

"DIED!" Roy shouted. "I WOULD HAVE DIED, RATHER THAN BETRAY MY FRIENDS!"

"There's an old saying," Fox growled. "'It's better to live an hour as a tiger, than a lifetime as a worm.'"

"I have a saying of my own," Mumkhar muttered quietly. "'Who's ever heard of a wormskin rug?'"

"ENOUGH!" Roy shouted. "You should have realized that if Tabuu didn't kill you, we would!" Looking up at Fox, he asked, "Together?" Fox nodded in agreement. As one, they raised their power controllers: Fox's blaster, and Link's sword.

Mario glanced around- Link and Zelda both looked horrified, but nodded their agreement. Something else was now bubbling inside him... no... this wasn't right...

Roy raised his sword in the air, and brought it down towards Mumkhar's neck- *

*CLANG!*

Roy looked down in surprise. Mumkhar was still cowering beneath him, incapable of offering any resistance. However, his sword had been stopped in midair- by a pipe from one of the decaying beds, being held by none other than Mario Mario.

Everyone stared at the scene- Roy's sword frozen in midair, held in place by Mario's pipe. Everyone's jaw hit the ground. Mario, however, was allowing some shouting of his own. "EVERYBODY CALM THE F^ # DOWN!" he shouted, surprising everybody even further.

"Mario... what are you doing?" Roy asked, eyes wide. He pressed down on the sword, struggling to push it down towards Mumkhar, but Mario resisted, pushing back as hard as he could, preventing the act from occurring. "Have you forgotten everything he did- to us _and _to you? He's the reason you have no parents! Now's the time to strike back- where's your killer instinct?"

"I hate him," Mario admitted, struggling to deny Roy's sword its passage. "I really do- for what he did to you, to Mom, to Dad... and he's the reason I have to stay at the Smiths every summer, so of course I want to get revenge!"

"M-Mario!" Link gasped. "W-what are you doing?"

"He's different from other followers of Tabuu- he was your friend!" Mario gasped from the effort of holding Roy back, but refused to back down. "Are you really so willing to kill somebody?"

"Sometimes, there's no avoiding it!" Roy growled. "Let me do this, Mario, this one terrible thing!"

"Even if it was Fox?" Mario asked, grunting with his continued exertion. "You say you thought it was Fox at first- if it was, would you really be willing to kill him?" Looking back, he added, "Same to you, Fox- if Roy really was the traitor, would you have shot him?"

Roy and Fox looked up at each other in surprise. Would they? Mario continued. "When I first heard about you being the traitor, I wanted to kill you myself, Roy! I won't deny it! But I've seen enough this year- enough injustice! People being killed for revenge, not because they did something wrong, but because they wronged a specific person! We won't let him go, but he should be tried- let the law take care of him, let him be judged by others, not us! We can bring him in, but we don't have the right to kill him! If we do, we're no better than... than Bowser, or Wolf, or all those people we've been talking about this whole story- Harry Potter Headscratchers page, AFOSB! If we do this, what makes us better than them?!"

For a moment more, the standoff continued, finally ending as Roy backed away, lifting Link's sword and tossing it back to him. Link flinched, then slowly returned it to its sheath. Mario, who'd still been pressing forward, fell to the ground, and picked himself back up, dusting himself off. Looking, he saw Roy facing a boarded-up window with his arms crossed. "Roy..." he said quietly.

"I'll never forgive him," Roy muttered, just barely audible to the others. "For everything he's done, I hate him, and I can _never _forgive him. But... your words are too true to ignore. I can feel them weighing on me. You're right. We'll take him to the floows."*

Mumkhar gasped and flung his arms around Mario's knees. "Thank you- it's more than I deserve-"

"You've got that right!" Mario growled, stepping back. "It's not for you- I just don't think that my parents would want to see their friends become killers over a scumbag like you."

A long silence fell, and Fox was the one to finally break it. "Well... if that's what you wish, then I won't contradict you..."

The anthro raised his gun. Mario grabbed his pipe again and stood in front of Mumkhar like a guar- er, baseball batter, prepared to defend him if necessary. Fox raised his hands. "Tying him up, that's all. I _promise_."

Mario stepped aside, and Fox fired his blaster. Instead of a beam, ropes came out, binding Mumkhar tightly.

"Nifty little gun you got there," Roy commented. "Had a few more settings added since school?"

"How _did _you know?" Fox agreed. Turning back to Mumkhar, he added, "Alright, back up to the mansion it is. But if you try to escape- we _will _kill you. Fine by you, Mario?"

"If it really comes to that," Mario nodded, making sure Mumkhar heard him.

"Alright," Fox nodded. "Now, my specialty is the Evils, not healing, so Link, the best we can really to his keep as much weight off your leg as possible- can you use that sword as a cane?"

Link tested this, and was able to stand somewhat steadily.

"And... Wolf?" Zelda asked tentatively.

"I got him," Roy muttered, slinging the unconscious Wolf over his shoulder. Wolf groaned, and seemed about to wake up, but Roy heartily dropped him back on the floor, headfirst, rendering him unconscious once more.

"And, just to make sure," Roy noted, "two of us should tie ourselves to this thing." He tapped Mumkhar with his foot.

"I'll take one side," Fox volunteered, firing his blaster to produce some more rope.

"And me," Link noted. "Tie up my good leg..."

And so it came to be that everyone stood, Mario and Zelda next to each other, Roy carrying Wolf fireman style, and Fox, Mumkhar, and Link all daisy-chained together. Simba the Meowth happily leapt off the bed he'd been sitting on and proceeded to lead the strange procession out of Spooky's House of Jumpscares (TM) by the glint from his shiny forehead.

_XXXX_

*Props to anyone who can name the two games that I was ripping off of in this scene- and yes, there were two.

Ah, I've finally remembered! This chapter... holds a special significance to me. Many years ago, before _Half-Blood Prince _came out- and possibly OotP, too- I was reading the Harry Potter series to my Grandma. I enjoyed reading it, and she enjoyed listening to it, so I'd routinely visit her to read it. At the time that we got to _Prisoner of Azkaban,_ she was getting really old, and was in the hospital a great deal of the time. So, as you may have guessed, the special significance this chapter holds for me is that... well, the day after I read this chapter to her was the day we got the message that she'd passed away. Kind of sad, but at least it was before all the sad stuff that would happen later- as far as she knew, the series ended on a happy ending. Not saying it's good that she died, of course, but better for it to be here, than, say, halfway through _Deathly Hallows_. Wow, I'm making myself sound like a prick.

Moving on! Another thing that I've been wanting to note for a while- Peter Pettigrew is, without a doubt, the character that went through the most counterparts before I finally decided. When I was first brainstorming this series, Louie really _was _going to be the traitor. Later, I decided to do the split- Louie would still be Pettigrew, but the role of Traitor!Pettigrew would be played by Revolver Ocelot, from the Metal Gear series. Two problems with that- while Ocelot _is _the trope namer for Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, he's too awesome to represent someone like Pettigrew. Problem 2: between then and now, I played Xenoblade, and found Pettigrew's perfect match in Mumkhar 'Apparently-Surnamed-After-A-Similar-Character-In-Xenosaga' Virgil. These two... are near identical, I couldn't _not _do it. So now you know that story.

Anyways, this is stretching out pretty long for author's notes on a chapter where I have no questions to answer, so... time to sign off! Please R&amp;R, constructive criticism embraced, flames not so much, Gamer4 out!


	24. Flight of the Floows

Gamer4 in. This is going to be another really short chapter, though with a lot happening, so it's likely to come out pretty soon after the last one. Diving right in!

Disclaimer: I already have something pretty sad to say after this chapter, without having to go through the extra tragedy of typing one of these things out.

Chapter XX

Flight of the Floows

Mario looked up. "I suddenly got an ominous feeling," he muttered, earning him a glare from Link.

"Don't tempt fate!" said swordsman growled. "Didn't you learn anything from the werecats?"

"Werecats?" Roy repeated blankly.

"Oh, nothing," Mario shook his head.

It was the strangest party he'd ever seen- and he'd played quite a few RPGs in his time, so he knew what he was talking about. Leading them was Simba the cat (pokemon), light glinting off the coin in his forehead. Behind him were Fox, Link, and Mumkhar, the latter of whom was tied up, and the other two tied to him, looking like they were going through some demented field day. Next was Roy, carrying Wolf over his back like a sack of potatoes. Wolf, his head bobbing around, kept bumping into the ceiling of the tunnel as they headed back towards the Flaaghra at the end of the tunnel (you know, like The Monster at the End of this Book, but with a Flaaghra, and a tunnel instead of a book, so in reflection, it's not actually anything like that at all.) Mario and Zelda were bringing up the rear.

As they passed through the tunnel, Roy pulled back slightly, and allowed Zelda to walk ahead, indicating that he wanted to talk to Mario. "It was a great thing you did back there," he said. "I won't deny it- you were certainly the better man."

"Like I said, I don't think Dad would have wanted you to become a killer over someone like him," Mario replied. "Besides... if he died, the truth would die with him. Alive, you're free."

Roy blinked. "You know... that's true! If we turn him in, if we can prove what really happened... maybe my sentence could be overturned..."

"That never occurred to you?" Mario asked, surprised. "A whole year of hunting him down, and you never thought of that?"

"I was too concerned with how close he was to you- to be able to kill you, if he ever had a reason to. I was too worried with stopping that to think about myself."

"Well... thank you," Mario nodded, not quite sure what else to say.

"Well, maybe it's not all _that _strange," Roy mused. "I don't know if anyone ever told you this, but before your parents died, they named me your godfather."

"I _was _aware of that," Mario nodded again.

"Well... don't you know what that means?" Roy asked. "I mean, if we're following their will, I'm your guardian..."

Mario almost froze mid-stride. He was starting to see where Roy was going with this. He turned to see Roy grasping one arm with the other, his head cocked to the side like the stereotypical shy anime schoolgirl about to confess her love. "If... if you want another place to live, after all this is over... it's not the best place, but it _is _a place... though you probably wouldn't want-"

"Are- are you asking me if I'd move in with you?" Mario asked, mouth agape.

"Well, just a thought- I'd understand if you don't want-"

"Are you freaking _insane?!_" Mario gaped, and Roy winced, until- "Move out of that misnamed dungheap and come to live with an _actual guardian_?! When can I move in?"

Roy tilted his head as though he was unsure whether or not Mario was making fun of him. "Um..."

"Yes!" Mario elaborated. "Yes, yes, yes, a _million times yes!_ The sooner I can get out of there, the better!"

Roy's face split into a grin, and he suddenly looked like the past twelve years had never happened- aside from the obscenely long hair and the dirt and grime all over him, and all that- you know what I mean! For a brief moment, Mario could recognize the man who'd served as his father's best man.

All was silent until they finally reached the end of the tunnel. Simba, of course, left first. They heard the Flaaghra kicking into life, but a second later, the sounds ceased, and Simba's tail lowered into the hole, beckoning for them to come on out. They were the next contestants on _The Price is Right. _One by one, they followed suit.

It was a cloudy night as they set off across the grounds. Mario had a spring in his step that he didn't think had ever been there before- he was finally going to be able to leave Peach Creek- to leave the Smiths behind, forever! He tried to imagine the look on the Smiths' faces when he told them that he was going to live with that dangerous madman they'd heard about on the news- would they be relieved that he wouldn't be living with them anymore? Or maybe they'd be distraught that they'd lose any chance they had to squash his smashing abilities out of him? What did he care, he wouldn't be seeing them anymore anyways!

For a while, they continued shimmying across the grounds, until a cruel cloud shifted, and the moon, the moon, the moon came out.

Everyone froze. Moon. Moon_light_. Very _bright _moonlight. As in, _full moon _moonlight. And, just as slowly, everyone's eyes made their way over to Fox.

Fox had frozen just as much as everybody else. He was beginning to tremble- maybe in fear, maybe as part of what they all knew was going to happen...

"Fox!" Roy cried, dropping Wolf as he tore across the ground towards his friend. "You took your power-up tonight, right?! Please say-"

Shaking violently, Fox shook his head, his eyes scared and sad as he gazed around at them all. Zelda put a hand to her mouth. "He took off to find us before Wolf could get it to him! He- he's not safe!"

Roy turned back to Fox, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Fox, stay with me, stay with me! Your heart- your heart is where you really live, this heart, right here! This flesh is only flesh!"

"Er... does anyone have some peed-on armor?" Link asked, backing away slowly- not an easy feat, considering he was tied to the forming werecreature. "Or some cool ranch doritos, in a pinch?"

"I- I don't think he's a were_cat_," Mario shook his head, backing off as well.

Fox had collapsed to the ground, claws growing out of his hands. Incidentally, growing? A _very _apt word for what was happening- Fox was expanding like a balloon, even faster than Megan, way back at this story's beginning. But he wasn't floating up- he was growing larger and larger with _muscle_, and, as they all stared, tusks began to extend out of his face. A mane of wild orange hair grew longer than all his other fur, out of his back, as the rest of his fur actually withdrew into his body, becoming very short, and much darker. His clothing had long since been left behind.

"Were... pig..." Zelda gasped.

A strange word, but much more terrifying for the ones watching it in person. And then, said giant pig turned on them, the fear and sorrow gone, replaced with a burning, fiery rage.

"Run!" Roy shouted. The others hesitated. Roy shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! RUN!"

*CRACK!*

Oh, goody- there wasn't enough going wrong already. As Roy had turned into his wolf form and charged to face down his transformed friend, Link suddenly gave a cry as he collapsed to the ground, unconscious. Everyone spun around to see Mumkhar, holding Fox's fallen blaster. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Mario shouted.

Mumkhar chuckled, firing the blaster thrice more- once at Simba, who also collapsed, and twice at each of the ropes binding him. He quickly took his revenge on Simba, kicking the poor Meowth like a football. Looking at Mario and Zelda, he laughed. "I guess even you heroes have got to reach your limit eventually!"

"You filthy-" Mario spat, but was cut off.

"Hate to drop this on you kids, but it's _Roy _those floows are after! Have fun keeping the werepig occupied for me- _I'm _getting out of here!"

"You, you foul, loathsome, _evil _little-" Zelda started.

"Hey, I'm not a bad man," Mumkhar chuckled. "I'll make sure your funerals are _amazing_! Anyways... see you, kids!" With that, he turned and sprinted off. Mario ran momentarily after him, throwing a fireball that missed, causing Mumkhar to laugh again as he came within sight of Lake Delfino. "You missed your last chance!" he laughed over his shoulder. "You'll regret that forever!" And with that, he dove into the lake, the cold water transforming him into a cucoo once more, and he resurfaced before tearing off into the night.

Mario was momentarily distracted as he turned and saw Fox the werepig tearing off into the Lost Woods. "Roy!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Roy! Mumkhar's gone- he's escaping!"

Almost before the words had left his mouth, Roy the wolf was thundering past as fast as his paws could carry him, tearing off, following Mumkhar's path along Lake Delfino. Mario, meanwhile, ran back towards Zelda and Link.

"What happened?" he asked of Zelda as he approached.

"He's not dead," Zelda breathed. "Just stunned."

Link was leaning back on the ground, looking half-conscious, half-non.

"Come on," Mario muttered, lifting one of Link's arms over his shoulder. "Let's get him up to the mansion- he needs help."

Zelda was on the point of taking Link's other arm when they both looked up to the unmistakable sound of a wolf yelping in pain. "Roy!" they both cried, dropping Link as they turned and ran after him.

As they ran, Mario felt cold overcoming him, and unconsciously began to lose hope with undue speed- but in his concentration, he had no time to process what that meant...

But it clicked as he and Zelda arrived to find Roy passed out on the ground, on Lake Delfino's shores. "No... please... no..." he was moaning.

"Roy! Can you hear me? Roy? ROOOOOOOY!" Mario cried, running towards him, until he found himself slipping and finally falling onto the ground. Looking back, he saw that he'd slipped on a frozen puddle- wait, _frozen? _In _June? _

Looking up, he felt his heart fail as he saw floows. Lots and lots of floows. They were flying around the area so fast and thick that he could hardly see the mansion through the wall they were forming. Looking, he saw Zelda, also caught in this unholy twister.

"Zelda!" he cried. "What puts a fire in your belly, Steven?!"

"Who's Steven?" Zelda cried back.

"Nobody!" Mario cried, slapping himself in the face. "Think of something that makes you excited, and happy, like it's just _got _to burst out of you, one way or another- and then let it!"

He began running thoughts through his mind- the happiest, most fire-inducing thoughts he could think. _Roy's innocent,_ he thought. _After all this is over, I'm going to leave the Smiths, and go live with him! Leaving the Smiths, forever! _He raised his hands to the sky, raised them both, lifted them high, trying to summon a large burst of fire. But he could already hear his Mom screaming in his ears, his father crying out to her...

A candle flame was forming at his fingertips, but it wasn't nearly enough. Looking over, he saw Zelda with her arms outstretched as well- light was gathering around her hands, but it was very dim, and flickering very badly. Mario redoubled his efforts- _This will all be over soon! We're going to save Roy, and then go back to the mansion, clear his name, and then I'll live with him! Not with the Smiths!_ He focused as hard as he could, and slowly, the fire began to spread.

However, his heart sank as, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zelda finally succumb to the floows, collapsing to the ground, unconscious. His final smash took a hit almost instantly, the little fire he'd managed to summon retracting back to a candle flame. _He's innocent, dangit, he's _innocent!

A floow made its way forward, looking at the three of them, laying there on the ground. Mario made a motion as if to throw the pathetic excuse for a fireball that he had forward- it formed a small shield around them, but the floow swiped it away with almost incredible ease.

"Get back... get back... GET AWAY FROM HIM!" Mario cried desperately, struggling to summon more fire, but it simply wouldn't come. The floow turned to look at him, and then... the strips of darkness peeled away from its face.

Mario let out a scream that pierced the night, all thoughts of final smashes deserting him. What lay beneath the darkness cannot be put into words- it was simply unnameable. When Mario later awoke, he would never really recall what lay beneath the darkness surrounding the floows, and he would decide his memory had shut it out for his own sanity, and from that day, he would still shudder any time he saw a floow, not truly remembering, but shuddering at the mere _suggestion _of remembering what lay beneath...

The floow was approaching him... the end was coming...

And then... the floow stopped. The entire area was suddenly bathed in light. Mario gasped, gazing around- some sort of force was driving the floows back! It was a force that he was all too familiar with- fire! Wave and wave of fire was slamming into the floows, driving them back. Mario noticed that, at the epicenter was a creature of some kind, both made of and the source of the burning flames. The flames burned hotter and hotter the closer to the creature they came from, until the creature itself was composed of pure white fire. However, only the floows seemed to be feeling the effects, letting out strange noises as they retreated en masse.

Finally, the floows had all disappeared, and the creature returned across the lake, the water beneath it frothing and boiling as it came too near the surface. Looking across the lake, Mario could see somebody standing there. He thought he recognized the face- but no, it wasn't possible, it couldn't be...

The person on the opposite shore raised his hand to greet the creature, and as they did, the creature itself faded. Mario was too confused, and the encounter with the floows had drained him of his energy. He lay his head down on the ground, and fell into unconsciousness.

_XXXX_

Okay, two chapters in one day. Of course, this one was particularly short, but still. (Kind of funny, if I'd written this back when I first started fanfiction, this would have been a pretty long chapter by my standards, but all this time later, it's now extremely short. Ah, memories...) Anyways, a few words about the next chapter- it's going to be a while in coming, most likely. I'm in job training for the next few weeks, so I won't likely have much time to be writing. I'll try to have the next chapter up as soon as possible, of course, but the worst-case scenario is a three-week hiatus. At least I'm letting you know ahead of time, this time. Also, however, it's going to be a longy- it's too soon to say, of course, but it just might take the crown for my longest chapter yet. Bad side- longer to write, along with the fact that I have limited time. Good side- when it _does _get posted, it'll be a lot of content.

But that's not the sad thing I mentioned in the disclaimer, is it? My cat says no... the thing is, the next chapter will also be the penultimate chapter, not only of this story, but of this series as a whole. Thank you all for following me so far, but the end is right around the corner. Bidding you all a very fond farewell, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism accepted, flames not as much, Gamer4 out.


	25. Blue Potato Rhapsody

Gamer4 in. Before we get started here, quick shout-out to FelineWithin, who correctly guessed the Ranma ½ reference in the previous chapter. Also, I'm getting started on this particular chapter as early as possible, due to its probable longevity, and the unlikelihood of me having much time to write in the coming weeks. Whether this helps overly much will be seen. Anyways, diving right in!

Disclaimer: Okay, I'll admit it- the title of this chapter is a shout-out to the short story _Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody_ by Nagaru Tanigawa. Known more widely as the first episode of the second season of _The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya_, and containing- as you may have already guessed- time travel!

Chapter XXI

Blue Potato Rhapsody

"So terrible... so, so terrible... miracle they weren't killed! I... I hate to think what would have happened if... if you _hadn't _been there, Wolf..."

"Indeed, you _are _trembling, Mr. President."

"L-like I said... I'll see what award I can get you- a Nobel Prize, most certainly, if all goes well!"

"I appreciate it, of course, but just knowing that this school will remain safe is award enough for me."

"Noble... truly noble... incidentally, you've got a few nasty bumps there. Roy get you?"

"Sort of- though he was driven to it by Mario."

"Mario? As in, _Mario _Mario?"

"Roy seems to have put some sort of spell on them- they were so confused that they were preaching the possibility of his innocence!"

"Wait, was Roy's special talent magic?"

"Not entirely certain, but it appears so."

"In that case, then, they weren't responsible for what they did?"

"To a certain extent- however, it _was _their fault they were out there in the first place. I'd imagine they were out looking for Roy themselves, and, through bad luck, actually found him. It wouldn't surprise me- you wouldn't _believe _the things that they've gotten away with before, and I'd imagine Mario's overswollen head grew _so _swollen that some of it has spilt over into his friends..."

"If- if you say so... but... well, it's Mario Mario! The boy who lived! The protagonist!"

"Not a good enough excuse for me, Mr. President. As for myself, I do all I can to treat him as I would any student. You give him too much license, and the next thing you know, things like this start happening. And that's _without _the things I suspect he's been doing throughout the year- meeting with werecreatures, illegal visits to Kurain..."

"Well, I wouldn't deny that he's been a little stupid... something will have to be done, I suppose, but we'll see..."

Mario slowly tried to turn his head, finally giving Gamer4 a chance to narrate in this chapter. His head felt like it weighed 8999 tons, and pounded at the small movement. He wished those voices would go away- he just wanted to sleep...

"But the _real _surprise- at least, I think, I might be wrong- is what those floows did. Any idea _why _they retreated?"

"No idea- a final smash would be the obvious explanation, but to drive that many floows away, it would have to be a smasher with power beyond measure."

"Incredible indeed... right? Anyways... what of Roy, Mario, and the girl?"

"All unconscious when I found them."

Mario's brain was still booting up, but he was finally advancing to the point that all these random words were actually starting to mean something. Finally, remembering the last time he'd been in a situation like this- the last chapter of _Hylian Stone_\- he decided to follow his past self's example, be a rebel, and open his eyes.

An unfamiliar ceiling arched over him. Shaking aside the _Neon Genesis Evangelion _reference, he shook his head- no, unfortunately, this ceiling was too familiar for his own comfort- it was the ceiling of the mansion's hospital wing. A glance around confirmed it- all the beds clearly belonged to the hospital wing, as did Nurse Tessie, who was very busy nearby. Squinting, he saw the dirty blond hair of Link Faron. Glancing at the bed to his side, he saw the similarly blond hair of Zelda Hyrule, except, unlike Link, she seemed to be awake. Seeing him looking at her, she quickly motioned for him to be silent. Her ears seemed to be pricked to listen in on the conversation in the hallway, with voices Mario now recognized as Wolf and Olimar.

"Oh, you're awake!" came Nurse Tessie's voice, causing Mario and Zelda alike to nearly jump out of their skin. She was coming down the hall with a bar of Hershey's chocolate roughly the size of a King-Size mattress, with rectangles the size of large pillows.

Shaking off their surprise, Mario and Zelda grew urgent. "How's Link?" they asked in near unison.

"He's fine," Nurse Tessie smiled. "Relatively speaking- he'll live with no major injuries, though he's still out cold, and his leg's not looking all that good, but... he'll recover. Now, as for you two, you've had a very bad experience, so you'll be staying here until- Mario, what are you doing?"

Mario was standing, picking up his hat on the nearby nightstand, and straightening out his clothes. "I've got to talk to the Master Hand," he explained.

"Mario, it's alright," Nurse Tessie said, in a voice that was clearly trying to be understanding. "You're safe now- Roy is locked up in the mansion, and as soon as the paperwork goes through, he's going to be execute-"

"NO! NOT OKAY, NOT OKAY!" Mario shouted, as Zelda leapt to her feet, looking just as horrified as he felt. "Nurse Tessie-"

"Oh, Mario!" came a voice from the door, and they looked to see Olimar and Wolf entering. "I see you've finally recovered-"

"Mr. President!" Mario said quickly. "If you want the details, I can tell you the whole story later, but we have to be fast- Roy's innocent, Mumkhar faked his own death, we even saw him in person, and if you let the floows execute Roy, it'll be one of the worst mistrials in history!"

Here, he stopped to take a deep breath. Olimar looked taken aback, his eyes widening, but slowly, he returned to his original position, and gave a sigh. Reaching out, he patted Mario on the back. "Mario, my boy, I understand. It's a terrible thing that you had to go through tonight. But rest assured, Roy can't hurt you from where he is- you don't have to try and cover for him. Soon, he won't be able to hurt anyone again."

"He never hurt anyone to begin with!" Mario shook his head urgently. "He's innocent- you've got the wrong man!"

"I can back his story up," Zelda put in, raising her hand. "I saw him too- Link's cucoo was a slider, but he never got registered, and now he transforms every time he gets splashed with cold or warm water-"

Wolf gave a growling sort of laugh. "Case in point," he spoke. "They're not covering for him, Mr. President- they actually _believe _what they're saying- a slider that transforms with water? Ridiculous."

"Roy didn't use any sort of spell on us!" Mario objected. "This is the truth!"

"Wolf, Mr. President!" Nurse Tessie stepped in. "I'm going to have to ask both of you to leave- if there's one thing these two _don't _need right now, it's _stress!_"

"I'm stressed!" Mario agreed. "Very stressed! Failings of justice make me uncomfortable, I'm weird like that!"

He would have continued with his straight-man tirade, but at that moment, Nurse Tessie slammed a pillow-sized rectangle of chocolate into his face, knocking him back onto the bed, and proceeded to force the chocolate down his throat, rendering him temporarily mute. This done, she turned back on the visitors. "Now, you two, out!"

"HOLD IT!" came a shout from the door, and everyone spun around to see the doors being thrust open once more. In came a floating right hand in a glove. Mario jumped up- he was never _un_happy to see this being, but this was probably the happiest he'd ever been to see this smasher entering the room. Hanging around one finger was a necklace with a strange pendant at the end- half of the yin-yang symbol, set with an emerald, and made out of softly glowing jade.

Mario forced himself to swallow the chocolate in his mouth and jumped up again. "Master Hand!" he cried. "Roy-"

"For crying out loud!" Nurse Tessie grumbled. "Master, this is a _hospital wing, _and my patients need rest!"

"Sorry about that," came the Master Hand's calm voice. "But the thing is, I need to talk with Mario and Hyrule. You see, I was just having a discussion with Mr. Alluvia-"

"Oh, holy Wave Existence!" Wolf grumbled. "Let me guess, he threw the same BS at you that he threw at these children!"

"Yes, he did indeed 'throw the same BS at me that he threw at these children,'" the Master Hand nodded, the words sounding pretty foreign in his not-mouth.

"About Mumkhar being a water-transforming cucoo slider?"

"Indeed."

"Well, surely you don't doubt my testimony?" Wolf growled. "I was out there all night, and I didn't see a glimpse of a cucoo _or _of Mumkhar Virgil- I think I'd have noticed either-"

"OBJECTION!" Zelda called out. Stamp time. "You were unconscious for most of the night, of course you wouldn't have seen-"

"Zelda Hyrule, you are only a child, your opinion is irrelevant, so for once in your unholy life, _shut your mouth!_"

"Wolf!" Olimar gasped. "She's not well- I understand that she's speaking crazily, but that's hardly her fault!"

"I need to speak to them alone!" the Master Hand spoke again, raising his voice slightly to be heard. "Olimar, Tessie, Wolf... if you could please leave..."

"Of course... if it's something you're doing, it's sure to be for the greater good," Olimar nodded- incidentally, that sentence is something you'd hear all the time in two more years. "I've got to go and arrange... things..."

With that, Olimar stepped out.

Nurse Tessie was slightly more reluctant. "Master," she objected, "I must protest! They've been through too much tonight, they need-"

"Believe me, Tessie, I wouldn't do anything that would place them in too much danger," the Master Hand cut her off, waving himself in the air. She still looked reluctant, but finally, Nurse Tessie made her way out as well.

Finally, there was Wolf. "You don't believe his story, do you?" Wolf asked, sounding almost desperate. "You don't believe-"

"We can discuss my beliefs later," the Master Hand shook his not-head. "For now, I need to talk to Mario and Hyrule."

"It's not like Roy is above murder- if you'll recall, he tried to kill _me _once, long ago, and that was when we were both children!"

"I _do _recall that incident, in fact," the Master Hand replied. "However, it is irrelevant to the conversation I must have with Mario and Hyrule."

Finally, undoubtedly the most reluctant one to leave, Wolf did so, throwing one last scowl back at Mario and Zelda as he slammed the door behind him.

"So..." the Master Hand said, turning to the two students. "Alone at last."

Both Mario and Zelda instantly broke into a nigh-unintelligible garble of speech simultaneously. "Master, it's true, we both saw Mumkhar-"

"Roy and Fox did something to mess with his slider powers-"

"He stole Fox's blaster and attacked us-"

"It really _is _like something out of Ranma ½-"

Finally, the Master Hand raised himself for silence. "For now, just listen to what I have to say, and try to keep up- I apologize, but I must speak quickly if I am to get it all out in time. As things stand, the only evidence we have to support our story is your testimony- and as it is, that's not nearly enough to overturn his sentence, or even get it delayed. There are more than fifty eyewitnesses who genuinely believe they saw Roy murder Mumkhar and Louie, and- I am now ashamed to say- I myself testified to the Government that Roy was in charge of Jake and Sarah's Magicant. It pains me to say it, but they kept their plan too close to their chest for their own good."

"What about Fox?" Mario burst out. "Fox knows-"

"He does," the Master Hand agreed, "but there are two issues with relying on him for testimony. First, he is currently transformed and wandering in the Lost Woods, unable to tell anyone anything. By the time he turns back, the sentence will have already been carried out. In addition, his word would likely be suspect- both because he is a former friend of Roy's, and because he is a werecreature."

"But... but..." Mario stammered.

The Master Hand shook himself again. "I truly apologize, Mario, but it is too late. We're out of time- Wolf's testimony is both better supported and, in general, much more palatable to the public than the one that you and Zelda would present."

"He's prejudiced against him!" Mario cried out desperately. "He's too blinded by hatred to see anything other than his own narrow point of view!"

"You mean, like AFOSB and the Harry Potter Headscratchers page on Tvtropes?" the Master Hand mused.

"I thought we were finally moving past that," Mario muttered, "but yeah, basically like that!"

"Sorry- I just wanted to jump on the bandwagon before it left town," the Master Hand shrugged. "Anyways, the thing is, Roy hasn't exactly done a good job of making himself seem innocent- attacking Rosalina with a knife, a knife, moreover, that he intended to take into a room filled with students- the only way to save him at this point in time would be to find Mumkhar himself- and he will have long since left these grounds."

Mario looked up at the Master Hand. "Y-you believe us, don't you?"

"I do," the Master Hand nodded, "but I, unfortunately, haven't been given the power to show others the truth. Nor do I have the power necessary to overturn Roy's sentence personally. My hands- no pun intended- are tied."

Mario slowly fell back onto his bed. There went their last hope- over the last year, Mario had gotten so used to the idea that the Master Hand could solve anything, put together a plan to save everyone at the drop of a hat- if the Master Hand couldn't do anything, then the game really _was _well and truly over.

"You know what would be helpful, I think?" the Master Hand spoke again. "What would _truly_ be great would be if we had more time."

"Time?" Mario and Zelda asked blankly.

"Time... indeed, time is the keyword here today," the Master Hand continued his musing. "If only Farore, goddess of time, saw fit to grant us the gift of more of it. However, time flows like a river, never recoverable, except to a blessed few..."

Zelda suddenly gasped. "You mean... you mean?!"

"I mean," the Master Hand did his weird nodding-gesture again. "Now... Roy is being isolated on this building's roof. Not an easy thing to get up to, but I'm certain you'll think of a way. If you do well, you'll save him, but if you do _excellently_, then Roy's life may not be the only one you spare tonight. And Zelda- if you remember anything else I've said, remember this- you must not be seen. Samus gave you the full orientation, and she couldn't have emphasized it enough- _you must not be seen_."

Turning, the Master Hand floated to the door and opened it up. ""I'm going to lock the door. You must be back before I do, otherwise the consequences would be... undesirable. We're all relying on you- good luck."

The door shut, and Mario and Zelda looked up at each other. "Okay, I'll just come out and admit it," Mario said. "I haven't got the slightest clue what he was talking about."

"Well, fortunately, I do," Zelda affirmed. "Wrap your arms around me."

"What?" Mario asked flatly, staring at her. She was reaching for her chest.

"Just do it!" she said, sounding urgent. From her dress, she produced a strange blue, potato-shaped thing with a stem of some sort that she was placing her mouth on. Mario shrugged, but stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her waist. Checking to make sure he was doing as she'd said, she began to blow, causing notes of music to come from it. The tune she played was haunting, and roughly fifteen to sixteen notes long. A black rectangle appeared in front of them, reading, _Save and Return to 'Afternoon of the Final Day?' Yes/ No._ Zelda reached out and tapped on _Yes_, and suddenly, everything faded to white, and Mario let out a gasp as they suddenly started falling. Around them was a simple white void, except for hundreds and hundreds of clocks, forming a tunnel down which they were falling and falling until...

Everything became black. White text appeared in front of them: _Afternoon of the Final Day. Three hours remain. _And finally, everything faded in again.

Looking around, Mario blinked in confusion. They were in the mansion's foyer. If that wasn't confusing enough, the view outside the windows suddenly showed the grounds brightly lit with sunlight. "Um... I may be wrong, but wasn't it night, like, three seconds ago?" he asked.

"Oh, relax, Mario," Zelda said, tucking the strange necklace back under her dress. "We've just gone back in time three hours."

"Oh, because that's such a normal thing to do," Mario muttered.

"Welcome to my life for the past year," Zelda retorted. "You can let go of me, by the way."

Mario leapt back, releasing his arms from their hold around Zelda. "Okay," he said. "Explanation. Now. Please."

"Look, the thing is," Zelda started, only to suddenly look up intently at the sound of approaching footsteps. "With me!" she said quickly, reaching out and grabbing Mario by his shirt's collar, pulling him across the foyer to the entrance to the dungeons. She shut the door behind them, and put her ear up to it. She didn't really need to- noises from the foyer didn't take long to penetrate their ears- it sounded like a drunken parrot doing some sort of strange mating call.

"Wait, isn't that the signal you made up to put the blanket on?" Mario asked, question marks appearing in his eyes. Zelda waved desperately for silence, then looked back out. "Okay, hearing the footsteps, I think we've left..."

"No, I'm pretty sure we're right here," Mario pointed out. "And here's the part where you explain what the heck is going on."

Zelda rounded on him, producing her necklace once more. "Do you recognize this?" she asked, pointing at the blue-potato-thing at the end.

"It's an... ocarina, isn't it?" Mario asked, squinting.

"Look closer!"

Mario did so, and noticed a symbol imprinted onto the mouthpiece: a circle that seemed to have waves coming off of it, though only in one direction. (And no, he wasn't singing.) "Okay, what's your point?"

"This isn't just any ocarina- it's an ocarina _of time_," Zelda explained rapidly. "You can play songs on it to do all kinds of things, but the main function is with the song of time- it sends you back in time by three hours!"

"The heck did you _get _that thing?" Mario asked, too surprised to speak normally.

"Samus gave it to me, way back when we first got here!" Zelda motor-mouthed. "Because my schedule was packed, you see- she wanted to make sure I could get to all my classes, so this is how I've been doing it- I've been resetting time every three hours to get to those classes again!"

"Just three hours?"

"Only three hours- any longer, and the results would be bad."

"What do you mean by 'bad?'"

"Look, when you go back in time, there are multiple copies of yourself in that time plane- and that causes a contradiction. There _can't _be two of you on the same time plane, it's against nature, and scientists have found that three hours is as long as reality can hold itself together despite that contradiction. Any longer than that, and... well..."

"And what?"

"Imagine all of reality stopping instantaneously and every particle of your body exploding at the speed of light."

"Total protonic reversal!" Mario gasped.

"Yeah, important safety tip from Samus- she made me swear not to use it for anything but my classes, to not go further back than three hours, and to _not tell anyone_\- she had to vouch for me with the Government, she spent all summer writing letters so that I could have this thing, telling them I'd never misuse it, accidentally or otherwise."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Mario asked, his hands raising. "How would we know what would happen if that contradiction undid the universe- how would you go about experimenting with something like that?"

"You don't want to know," Zelda said quickly, ears reddening. "The point is, this is what I've been doing all year."

"But wait, cramming all those extra hours into a day, reliving all that time- it would drive you nuts, wouldn't it?" Zelda glared at him for a moment, and Mario facepalmed. "Oh... right."

"Thanks for reminding me," Zelda glowered. "_Any_ways, yeah, we're three hours in the past right now. I _kind _of see what the Master Hand wants- now we have more time to save Roy, but... we don't really have a plan. All we have is: Step 1: Go back in time. Step 2: Do something or other. Step 3: Save Roy. I don't get what Step 2 is supposed to be!"

Mario raised a hand. "Alright, brain working. What were we doing three hours ago? Well, we just heard your weird mating calls, so we're probably going down to Crazy's to... to..." Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "That's it!" he cried. "The Master Hand said that if we do excellently, Roy's life might not be the only one spared- Zelda, we have to save Epona, too!"

"Epona?" Zelda asked, question marks in her eyes. "Why- oh, of course! Roy will be on the roof- we save Epona, and fly up with her!" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, however, her face fell. "But we'd need a miracle to do that without being seen..."

"I'm starting to rely on those more and more," Mario muttered. "Anyways, we won't accomplish much sitting here talking about it, will we? Let's get going- don't want to reset time again, here, do we?"

Zelda shrugged, and the two exited the dungeons and into the foyer. As they crossed, Zelda was wringing her hands. "I hope nobody decides to look out of the windows..."

"Look, how about we go to the Lost Woods first?" Mario suggested. "Hide out in the trees, and make our way to Crazy's cabin from there."

Zelda agreed, but only as long as they took what had to be the most indirect possible path, winding around the mansion, through the greenhouses, across the kart-racing track, around the Smash-Up stadium, a swim across Lake Delfino, and, finally, into the trees. They plunged into the maze and started taking random paths until one of the tunnels led them back out of the Woods, right next to Crazy's cabin.

"About... freaking... time," Mario panted, as they finally took a breather next to a large oak tree. They didn't have much time to rest, though. They heard a knock from the front of Crazy's cabin, and Mario's own voice rang out: "Crazy, it's us!"

Mario shook his head in exasperation. "Okay, we've done some weird things before, but I think this just about trumps all."

"Follow me," Zelda said, beckoning him forward. "We've got to get close to Epona, but not too close!"

Mario shrugged as he followed her. Finally, they arrived next to Crazy's garden, where Epona was tied up to a pole in the ground, currently sleeping with her head under her wing. Trying to shake off memories of the previous year and Crazy's 'Special Crop,' Mario deferred to Zelda. "Alright, we grab her now?"

"Not yet," Zelda said, shaking her head. "We need the people from the Government to see her here, or they'll think Crazy let her go- we need it to look like she got kidnapped!"

Mario shrugged and continued leaning against the tree. Abruptly, however, he stepped forward, an idea forming in his mind. "Zelda-"

Zelda turned to face him. "If it's something to do with time travel, I can almost guarantee that the answer is 'no.'"

"Something like that," Mario muttered. "The thing is- why don't we just burst in there and grab Oreo- I mean, Mumkhar- while he's still in that form? We grab him, drag him out here, stun him, let Epona go at the right time, and just wait the rest of the three hours out? Roy gets turned loose, so does Epona, and the only people who would see us would be ourselves, Link, and Crazy!"

"Too many people," Zelda shook her head. "Besides, I'd be the only person who'd know about time travel, but what would Link, you, and Crazy think? You don't even need to get into a fight with your past self- all you need to do is touch, and the results would be bad!"

"How bad is 'bad'?"

"Imagine reality stop-"

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Mario shook his head. "Lots of rules to time travel, aren't there?"

"There's a whole book I had to read on the subject," Zelda nodded. "_Time Travel is _not _a Toy, _by Crono Truce! You mess up, it's not good for anybody! We _can't _be seen!"

"Alright, alright," Mario muttered, his hands in the air. "I concede-"

Zelda quickly silenced him as the back door to Crazy's cabin opened. Looking, they saw the Master Hand, Olimar, Edgeworth, and Dahlia making their way down to the cabin. On the other side, they saw Crazy urging invisible people out of his door. "Get out of here, get out!"

"No, Crazy-"

"We can't!"

"We can testify, get you an actual appeal!"

"It's too late for that!" Crazy cried. "It's bad enough without you getting in trouble, too!" Mario winced. It was still so strange to hear Crazy talking normally.

Mario and Zelda stared as the ground depressed where their past selves put their feet, marking their departure from the building and the start of their ascent back towards the mansion.

As they left, there was a knock on Crazy's door. Voices filtered from the front- Edgeworth seemed to be the one to greet Crazy, looking just as solemn as he ever did. The one who sounded least sympathetic to him- despite having the sweetest voice of the bunch- was, of course, Dahlia Hawthorn.

"So, where _is _the little troublemaker?" she asked with a giggle. They heard Crazy pointing towards the garden with a strangled sob. The back door of the cabin opened briefly, with Dahlia poking her head out. Next came the much more sympathetic voice of Olimar Tate.

"Alright, Crazy, my good man... I've got the notice here, I'll go ahead and read it- if that's alright with you, of course..."

"I'm afraid I'll have to insist on that, Mr. President," came Edgeworth's voice. "It's bad enough we must do this at all, we may as well do it properly."

"Alright," Olimar said, his voice shaking. "And... and once it's read out..."

"All the witnesses will need to sign," Edgeworth contributed. "Incidentally, that includes you, Dahlia."

Dahlia tilted her head at the bird she'd come to kill, then withdrew back into the cabin, closing the door behind her. Olimar's voice began to drone, reading the paper with all the emotion of a vacuum cleaner. Glancing briefly at Zelda for approval, Mario stepped out from the trees, and, walking as quietly as he could, made his way towards Epona. Epona, hearing him, lifted her wing and raised her head to look at him, tilting it slightly as she got him in her sights.

Mario was sure not to blink as he approached, slowly sinking into a bow. Epona considered him briefly, then bowed back. Mario stepped forward and began struggling with the rope tying her up. As Olimar's voice droned on, and Mario had still failed to undo it, he heard Zelda moaning for him to hurry. Finally, he gave a grunt of "Forget this!" and snapped his fingers, summoning a small candle flame to their tips. He put it next to the knot, simply burning it away, but made sure not to allow the flames to spread too far. He grabbed what was left of the rope and began trying to lead Epona way from the cabin. However, the bird seemed pretty reluctant to leave the garden.

"Come _on_, Epona!" Mario moaned desperately- they were running on a tight schedule, after all.

"Alright, Edgeworth, I think this is where you sign..."

"Quite. And Crazy? Your signature here..."

Mario was pulling on the rope as hard as he could, throwing his whole body into it, but Epona simply refused to budge. He froze up as he heard the voices from the cabin speak again- "Well, here we go." Dahlia. "This really is fascinating. I _am_ sorry about this, Crazy, but the fact is, regardless of how you feel about it, I really _do _want your loftwing to die."

The door opened slightly, only to stop as the Master Hand's voice rang out. "Oh, Ms. Hawthorn, you haven't signed yet- and nor have I, for that matter."

Slowly, almost reluctantly, the door shut again.

Mario breathed a sigh of relief, but they weren't in the clear yet- Epona was _still_ stubbornly refusing to move. It was only after quite a bit of tugging and pulling that he finally got Epona to stand and begin grudgingly making her way away from the pole, and towards the Lost Woods. Zelda stepped out from behind her tree, making urgent motions for speed. Mario, however, was pulling as fast as he could.

"Could you take any longer to sign your name, Mr. Hand?" came the uncharacteristically agitated voice of Dahlia Hawthorn.

"Well, it's quite a long name," the Master Hand pointed out. "And it needs to be my best handwriting- we wouldn't want anyone doubting the legitimacy of this execution, after all."

Mario shook his head. Thank the Wave Existence for the Master Hand's eccentricity. He bought him exactly the time he needed to pull Epona the last few yards into the Lost Woods, where he and Zelda wasted no time in pulling as far into the tunnels as they could. From there, they quietly watched as, at last, the group left the cabin. A noise of confusion went over the group.

"The loftwing..." came Edgeworth's voice, in the tone of someone painfully aware of how obvious what they were pointing out was, "... has disappeared."

"But... but..." came Dahlia's voice, sounding incredibly shocked, "I- it was just here! I saw it! I know I saw!"

"Truly mysterious," commented the Master Hand, though his tone of voice would imply he didn't consider it that mysterious at all.

Mario stared at Dahlia's face- the soft innocence that seemed to radiate from her had vanished- in its place was raw malice that looked, frankly, _terrifying _on her visage. Her umbrella swung around and struck the fence, where it seemed to fall apart, enraging her even further. Then came Crazy's voice, calling out to the sky. But this time, they could hear words: "She be goin! She get herself out! She... she be makin' herself free! I... I guess I no be tyin' her up right! She pull herself out- Epona, you clever girl!"

Mario breathed a sigh of relief. No Crazy like the old Crazy. Epona seemed to share this sentiment, as she began straining to approach Crazy. Mario, however, sensing this would be disastrous, united with Zelda in pulling back on her rope as hard as they could.

"You really think a creature like that could be that intelligent?!" Dahlia snarled. "No, someone let him out! We have to search the grounds!"

"Well, I wouldn't consider that the best option," Edgeworth spoke up in his refined voice. "If _I _were to steal a loftwing, for example, I most certainly wouldn't bother escaping on foot- it is the skies we must watch."

"Perfectly logical," the Master Hand said cheerily. "Are you alright, Mr. President?"

"Ambivalent," Olimar said, shaking his head. "I... I really don't _know _how to feel about this..."

"Well, maybe we can talk it over... over some Mountain Dew, perhaps?" the Master Hand suggested. "My half-brother makes some very fine soda."

"That sounds lovely, thank you," Olimar said, rubbing his temples.

"I'd prefer some grape juice, if you happen to have any," Edgeworth said, the smallest of smiles gracing his features as he followed the troop in, leaving a fuming Dahlia outside. Mario and Zelda, meanwhile, withdrew into the maze, finally coming out in the very clearing where this whole mess had started in the first place.

"So, now what?" Mario asked, massaging his heart, trying to sooth it.

"Now we wait," Zelda said. "Our next move is to fly up to the roof and save Roy, but he's not going to be there for a couple hours still... and then, we have to be careful not to be seen, but also to get up to him in that small window of time... this isn't going to be easy..."

"Changing the future never is," Mario muttered, sitting down on a nearby stump.

Slowly, the light began to dim as the sun began to climb down in the sky. Mario turned to Zelda. "Let's get out of here, try to find a vantage point to watch the flaaghra from- we'll need to know what's going on..."

Zelda nodded, and they began making their way through the trees, finally arriving back next to Crazy's cabin. Dahlia had deserted the place already, leaving them free to make their way along Lake Delfino's shores, right next to the Lost Woods, until the flaaghra was in sight. From here, they headed into the Lost Woods once more- very shallowly, however, not even reaching the maze.

Mario's mouth dropped as the scene unfolded before them- the whole ridiculous Scooby-Dooby-Doors thing occurring once more. Finally, it culminated with Link pouncing onto the ground, tackling Oreo. Mario and Zelda appeared behind him, dropping the blanket nearby. Roy- as a wolf, of course- appeared from the side, tackling Link and dragging him into the flaaghra. Next, of course, came Mario and Zelda's attempts to enter the passage, leading to both of the present-day versions wincing as they momentarily relived their injuries from that fight. Simba, their salvation, appeared and placed his paws on the flower's base, allowing them entry. Not long after this, the troop from Crazy's cabin appeared, walking over almost the exact same stretch of ground.

"They were right there!" Zelda gasped. "_Right there_! If only the Master Hand could have come, too..."

"If he had, then the others would have to have come, too. Olimar would have probably had Roy executed on sight..." Mario muttered.

More waiting. The next moment was Fox, stepping out of the mansion and crossing the grounds until he arrived near the flaaghra. The flaaghra, it seemed, hadn't yet recovered from when Simba had immobilized it, and Fox was able to walk directly into the tunnel. Mario turned to Zelda. "Zelda!" he said. "I've just had an idea!"

"Like I said before," Zelda said immediately, shaking her head, "if you want to change time, no go."

"Look, all I want to do is run out and grab my blanket before Wolf gets the chance to use it!"

"Nope," Zelda said. "If you changed time like that, you could create a paradox, and that would be bad. Imagine reality stop-"

"Okay, okay, I get the point!" Mario said quickly.

However, no amount of fear of paradoxes, or overuse of the word 'of,' was enough to deter Mario from growling, sounding almost like an angry dog, when Wolf crossed the grounds a few minutes later, stepped on the blanket, looked down, shrugged, and hoisted it over his shoulder. "Get your filthy hands off of it, you d #% dirty wolf!" Zelda quietly reached out to silence him.

Wolf then approached the Flaaghra itself, and began running his hands over it. From their distance, they could still hear him muttering, "Now, where is that spot? It's impossible to find..." No sooner had he said this than he hit exactly the right spot, and the flaaghra, which had just been beginning to twitch once more, froze in place, allowing wolf passage into the tunnel.

"Alright," Mario muttered. "Everyone's down. Now, to wait for them to come back up..."

Mario and Zelda sat down, leaning against the trees, with Epona curling up next to them. Mario had to admit, it would have been a nice scene, if it weren't for their urgent mission with the potential to end reality if they messed up. Why did it always have to be so 'down-to-the-wire' all the time?

Zelda was the one to finally break the silence. "Mario... there's just one thing I don't understand."

"One thing?" Mario snorted. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around this story's _first _chapter."

"Yeah..." Zelda said absentmindedly. "The thing is... why are you and I here?"

"Because... we walked here?" Mario asked, staring.

"No, no... as in, why are we here on this planet?"

"Because Earth can support life?" Mario ventured.

"No, why do we exist at all?"

"We were born?"

"Dang it, Mario, I'm asking how we're still alive after that last chapter- when we were being attacked by floows!"

"Oh, easy," Mario noted. "Floows don't kill, they just suck your soul out. I mean, yeah, that's worse than being dead, but that's why we're still here."

"Mario!" Zelda grumbled. "I mean, _why didn't the floows get us_?"

"Oh," Mario muttered. "Well... the truth is, I saw someone using a final smash. A big one, one enough to drive off all those floows. Some sort of fiery creature..."

Zelda turned to look at him. "Do you realize what you're saying? That's just so... unlikely. Someone would have had to have known we were out here in the first place- and nobody did- and that person would have to be _fantastic _with final smashes... Did you see who it was? One of the teachers?"

"No... I mean, I saw them, but they weren't a teacher..."

"Come on, work with me here! Didn't you hear what Wolf said earlier? To drive off that many floows, it would have to be an _obscenely _powerful smasher- one that could earn even Wolf's respect! You say it was fire-based- didn't the fire light them up?"

"Sure did," Mario agreed, "but... I must have seen wrong. I mean, I was freaking out, and I was about to _pass _out, too, so..."

"Who do you think it was?" Zelda asked.

Mario sighed, fully aware of how whacked out he was about to sound. "I think... it was my Dad."

Mario glanced at Zelda, and cringed away from the pity and sympathy in her eyes. "Mario... I... well... it can't be, I mean... your Dad's... you know..."

"Yeah, I know," Mario nodded. "But I can only tell you what I think I saw..."

"Maybe... maybe a ghost?" Zelda asked.

"Well, that _would _be the obvious explanation, but... no, he was too solid to be a ghost."

"Mario..."

"I know it sounds crazy! For all I know, I _was _crazy at the time, given all the stuff going on, but... but that's what I saw."

Mario shook his head in confusion, watching the glimmering water of Lake Delfino. He turned everything over in his mind. The rational part of his mind, fact-based, the vulcan side of him, which most often spoke in Zelda's voice, was telling him that it was ridiculous, he might as well try and dive to the bottom of Lake Delfino and breath there for an hour as hope to see his father alive again. For that matter, how would his Dad even know he was in trouble to begin with, even if he had somehow survived Tabuu's attack to begin with? But the other side of him, the emotional side that spoke with Link's voice... that was another story. It was pointing out that, if his Dad _had _been there, it wouldn't be the first time that night that someone who was supposed to be long dead had appeared. Mumkhar had been in hiding for all that time, so was it really so impossible that his father was in a similar situation?

XXXX

And so it came to be that the two of them remained silent for roughly an hour, before the flaaghra suddenly returned to life, struggling to bat at a small shape at its base- a shape that quickly ran a paw over the spot on the flower, freezing the monstrosity once more. The strange entourage that had left the tunnel beneath did so once more, climbing out and beginning their trek across the grounds. Suddenly, Mario froze. "Er... Zelda?"

"If it's something to do with changing time-"

"Not exactly, but... we should move. Like, _now_."

"Do I need to give you the reality-ending speech again?"

"No, not necessary, the thing is- Fox is about to transform, and when he does, he's ultimately going to run right into the Woods- right where we are!"

Zelda gasped. Even as Mario spoke those words, there was a scream from the grounds, and they turned to see Fox trembling as the transformation set in. "Back into the Woods! We can wait back at that clearing!"

The two made a beeline back into the woods, running through random tunnels in the maze until they appeared back at Crazy's cabin, whereupon they turned back into the maze and made their way to the clearing.

Epona seemed to be content to be here again. Mario, however, kept glancing uneasily back out into the woods. Something was eating away at the back of his mind...

"I'm going to go to the edge of the Woods," he said. Seeing the suspicious look on Zelda's face, he raised his hands. "Hey, I like reality as much as the next guy- I won't interfere and risk anything! I just want to keep an eye out, so we know when to take off!" Zelda, however, still looked suspicious, causing Mario to sigh. "I'd sign a release form, except that if the world _did _end, it wouldn't exactly be worth much. So, for now, you'll just have to trust me on this one."

Zelda slowly, reluctantly nodded, and Mario set off back through the woods. He had been telling half of the truth- he did, of course, want to ensure that they left to save Roy at the right time, but he had something of an ulterior motive- spying the person who'd saved his, Roy, and Zelda's bacon. Far from being seen, he wanted to do some seeing of his own.

As he approached the lake, he could already feel the chill running down his spine, a chill that deepened as he looked at the lake itself, seeing it quickly and abruptly freeze over. His emotional side was in overdrive... if it really was his father, then he was about to meet him for the first time in thirteen years, for the first time since he'd been a little runt in diapers...

He increased his pace as he looked over the water and saw the twister of floows spinning around. He saw some dim, brief flashes of light- his and Zelda's attempts at their own final smashes. He pulled into the trees, trying to avoid being seen. Zelda's lights ceased to appear. She'd passed out- two down, one to go...

Mario took a position behind a tree, carefully watching the stretch of land he'd seen. Whoever had rescued them was about to put in their appearance. Anticipation ran through his veins, as his eyes flicked between the shores- the one where he lay, dying, and the one where his savior was about to appear...

Except no savior was coming. The shore on his side of the lake was just as empty now as ever. He grew impatient, beginning to tap his foot. Whoever it was was certainly taking their dear, sweet time. He didn't have all night- in fact, the him that was across the water didn't have five minutes- his fire had gone out, marking the end of his feeble attempts at defence...

Mario eagerly looked across the bank, from side to side, even glancing into the woods. But still, nobody was there. His foot-tapping increased. Where _were _they?

Suddenly, it occurred to him. An electric current seemed to pulse through him as the truth hit him like a charging werepig. Someone who looked like his father? Moreover, a _pyromancer_ who looked like his father, who'd known where they were, that they were in danger, and had stepped in just in time to save the day? He smacked himself for being so stupid- not his father... himself!

He charged out from behind the tree, summoning all the thoughts that he could. His friends and godfather were in danger, but they weren't going to be hurt, because to hell with that! He was going to save them- they were _his _friends, and if the floows thought they could hurt them, they'd have to answer to _him_!

All inspiring, but by the time he got to the lakeshore, he had still only summoned enough fire to cover his hands. He still needed something more...

And then it occurred to him. The truth was, even though he complained a lot, he loved references as much as the next person. And now, it was time to make another. The only reference to make in this situation. He stood back, taking the appropriate stance, with his hands held out dramatically in front of him, still crackling with burning fire. "Kaaaaaameeeeeeee..." he began, and the fire began to spread, enveloping his body. But still not enough... "Haaaaameeeeee... HAAAAA!"

The fire burst off of him, rolling off of him in wave after wave. A column of flames burst high into the night, marking the spot where a creature of fire was being born- a great, majestic bird, burning with flames so hot, they were white, which rushed across the lake, bringing the water beneath it to a frothing boil just by being near...

The bird charged the floows, bringing even more waves of fire with it. The floows seemed to panic as they saw this bane of their existence approaching, scattering and taking off into the night. Mario, for the first time, could clearly see the people he was saving, laying unconscious on the ground, illuminated by the fire. The only one still awake was his past self, eyes only half-open, and closing as the bird crossed the lake once more, coming to rest on Mario's outstretched arm.

Mario smiled as he reached up to stroke it. Suddenly, everything made sense, and he saw the joke that had been waiting to be seen. "Captain America, hm?" he asked, stroking the fiery eagle currently nesting on his arm. The eagle tilted its head at him, seemingly amused, before dissipating in a puff of smoke.

"MARIO M. MARIO!" came a shout from the Woods, and Mario turned to see Zelda sprinting across the lakeshore. "What the heck did you do?!"

"I saved our butts!" Mario explained quickly.

"What kind of lookout was that?!" Zelda cried, looking hysterical- some of it was even rubbing off on Epona, who was beginning to flex her feathers nervously.

"Calm thine jets," Mario said, raising his hand. "Let me explain." And he did. Zelda's jaw dropped as she listened to his narrative.

"Mario... that's amazing," she said. "Mastering final smashes like that... but what if you'd been seen?"

"I _was _seen," Mario pointed out. "I told you already, didn't I? _I _saw me, but I thought I was my Dad! Now, the idea's been planted in his head, and when he goes back in time and becomes me, it'll bloom, and he'll do the same thing! It's the circle of life!"

Zelda shook her head. "So... time travel," she muttered. Suddenly, she looked up, gasped, and said, "Quick! Into the shadows!"

The trio of two smashers and one loftwing quickly withdrew before Mario turned to see what had spooked Zelda. Across the shore, Wolf had put in his appearance, approaching the three unconscious bodies. Examining them briefly, he lifted them and began carrying them away, one by one.

"Okay," Zelda said. "'Make-it-or-break-it' time. We succeed now, or it's all been for nothing- we have to get up to the roof _after _Roy's been put up there, but _before _anyone comes for him. A very narrow window..."

Slowly, the group made their way across the lake, making sure to stay as out-of-sight as possible. Abruptly, Zelda gasped. "Look!"

Mario followed her gaze and saw a woman dressed in white sprinting across the grounds. "Dahlia," he muttered, dislike evident in his voice. "Alright, onto Epona, let's fly!"

The two climbed onto Epona, where Mario grabbed her rope and adjusted it like reigns. "Hi-ho, Epona!" he called out, smiling slightly to himself as he did so. He just couldn't let the references go...

He gave a whoop of excitement as they took off into the air, an excitement Zelda didn't seem to share- she quickly wrapped her arms around his waist, returning the favor for earlier in the chapter, and her face was rapidly turning green as they took off, higher and higher, her eyes closed to avoid watching the ground fall away.

They spun up high into the air, and, if you were positioned in the right place that night, you may have even been able to see a majestic bird with two riders astride it, framed against the moon. Looking down, Mario smiled- the Smash Mansion looked so small from up here. Epona, in her joy to be free and flying again, seemed to have overshot her mark- just by a bit. Next, he brought her around and sent them streaking back down towards the mansion. Mario, being something of a closet adrenaline junkie who secretly sought out all the freakiest-looking roller coasters at amusement parks, enjoyed it immensely, but Zelda was screaming all the way down.

Finally, they landed on the roof of the mansion- as wide as a football field. Scanning around quickly, they saw a man in blue rushing towards them, mouth on the ground. "What the- how-" Roy stuttered.

"Oh, good, you've already seen us," Mario said, smiling. "That makes things a little simpler."

"I saw you framed against the moon!" Roy said, smiling. "A truly majestic sight- but how did you have the time to do all this?"

"Long story, with no time to explain," Mario said simply. "Come on, get on the bird!"

Roy, shaking, moved forward, bowing to Epona, who only hesitated for a second or two before bowing back. Approaching, Roy began to stroke her, appreciating her crimson plumage. "Beautiful girl," he noted.

Mario was tapping his foot impatiently. "Roy, the floows are on their way here _now_. You've got to go!"

Roy turned to them. "Thank you both so much. It's a shame I got to spend so much time with Jake and Sarah, and so little with you, but I'm glad to have come to know you. You have truly become a great smasher, and-"

"No time for sappy stuff!" Mario called out. "The floows are coming!"

Roy smiled, shaking his head. "In that case... take these," he said reaching into his armor and producing a handful of letters of some sort. "They'll explain more than I have time to..."

Mario accepted them, tucking them into the pockets of his overalls, before saying, "Thanks. Now get out of here!"

Roy threw them one last smile, then kicked off much as Mario had, sending him and Epona soaring into the sky. Mario felt an odd mixture of joy and pity in his stomach as watched his godfather soaring off, growing smaller and smaller in the distance, until he blinked, and he had disappeared.

_XXXX_

So much for a long hiatus- this is going up one day after the last one! I think it's kind of contradictory- if I know ahead of time that a hiatus is coming, I work all the harder to get content out while I still can. That said, the last chapter, the one that marks the end of this story and, simultaneously, the end of this series, may come tomorrow, or a week from now, or, Wave Existence forbid, three weeks from now. When that time comes, I'm sure you'll see plenty of sappy stuff- as you always do when things come to an end. Until then, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism accepted, flames, not as much, Gamer4 out.


	26. A Few Letters More

Gamer4 in. It's... kind of surreal, coming up to this moment. It's been four years since I began this series, and now, at long last, it's coming to an end. As a heads-up, the end notes are going to be long- I have so much to say, and only this chapter left to do it in. Thank you all for sticking with me all this time. Let us finish it now.

Disclaimer: The only real upside is that this is the last time I'll have to type out one of these things.

Chapter XXII

A Few Letters More

For a long moment, Mario simply stood there, staring at the place where his godfather had disappeared. He felt happy, of course, but there was something hollow in him, too. He might have stood there for much longer had Zelda not touched him on the shoulder. "Mario..." she said. "We... we should get going."

"Yeah..." Mario started, looking at her without really seeing her. "Sure..."

Abruptly, the Master Hand's words came rushing back to him. _"I'm going to lock the door. You must be back before I do, otherwise the consequences would be... undesirable."_

"Let me guess," he sighed, staring at her. "All reality stopping instantaneously and every particle in our bodies exploding at the speed of light?"

"Total protonic reversal," Zelda nodded. Mario grumbled one last time, and the two of them began sprinting down the halls, rushing down the many, many floors between them and the hospital wing.

"Good thing... he was... about as far from the wing... as possible," Mario panted frustratedly as they continued their sprint.

"I guess... we're just... lucky like that," Zelda agreed.

Along the whole sprint, they hesitated only twice to hide from a couple of people heading up towards the roof. First was Wolf and Olimar, still speaking with each other. "We must perform the execution swiftly, before the Master Hand has a chance to interfere," Wolf was saying. "How fast can the floows get here?"

"Depends on how fast Dahlia moves," Olimar shrugged. "Surely, the Master Hand doesn't object to the disposal of a dangerous criminal?"

"Of course not!" Wolf said quickly. "I... I don't know why I would have said that."

"I see," Olimar nodded, though he still didn't sound particularly certain. "Well, I'll be glad to tell the Fourside Tribune, at the very least. This whole thing has been one big gong-show, I can't tell you how glad I am that it's over. I nearly went out as the President who let Roy loose! And I'm sure the Fourside Tribune will want to interview you, too, Wolf- and once Mario's back in his right mind, he'll probably tell them the whole story, about how you saved him and his friends..."

"Not in a million years," Mario growled- though only after the two had moved out of earshot. He'd have said it sooner, but Zelda had noticed and duly sunk a fist into his mouth to prevent him from speaking.

They only made it down a couple more floors before their next stop, when Zelda quickly grabbed Mario and wrenched him into a nearby classroom. Passing by was the Boo, bobbing overhead, singing out, "Alluvia, Alluvia, you're in a state! Boo'll see you die, this really is great!"

"I never thought it was possible for me to hate that guy more than I did before," Mario grumbled as they headed out of the room and continued their sprint.

In the end, they made it- by just a hair. (Of course.) Even as they were sprinting down the last hallway before the hospital wing, they could hear the Master Hand giving his parting speech, which Mario had remembered earlier, and so didn't need to be typed out again. Good on ya, Mario.

The Master Hand closed the door at almost the exact moment that they got to the end. "Master, Master!" Mario said, experiencing the joys of trying to talk and desperately gasp for breath at the same time. "Okay, first off, why's this mansion so freaking big?" he gasped out, doubled over, "but also..."

Zelda, sensing that he was still struggling to catch his breath, finished for him. "We... we did it, sir..."

"Roy's riding Epona... off into the distance..." Mario panted.

The Master Hand made his 'if-I-had-a-face,-I'd-be-smiling' twitch. "Well done," he spoke. "Well done, both of you. Well, I believe that... yes, it seems you've left, so feel free to enter. I'll lock the door behind you."

Mario and Zelda gratefully entered the hospital wing, and duly collapsed, still struggling to breath properly, into their respective beds. Mario would love to sleep at this point- holy mother of _Nisan_, he would _love _to sleep right now... but, unfortunately, he had a feeling that if he did, he'd only have a few brief moments of slumber before being awoken again. He hated that, so he forced himself to stay awake, despite the overpowering urge to pass out. As he was doing this, the door Nurse Tessie had left through opened up again. She looked somewhat annoyed. "So, he's left, huh? I'm finally allowed to look after you two? Well, I guess it wasn't _too_ long of a break..."

Now, on top of his overpowering desire to sleep, he was also wrestling with an irony headache and his straight-man urge to snark.

Thankfully, he forced all three back, because his irony headache was soon to be replaced with a very _real _headache. It happened as Nurse Tessie was forcing them to eat their seventh pillow-sized pieces of chocolate- abruptly, it sounded like a hurricane had begun outside in the hallway. A storm of angry footsteps and a very angry-sounding voice, mixed in with a very timid-sounding one.

"What the heck are they doing out there?" Nurse Tessie wondered out loud, staring at the door. "They're going to wake everyone-"

*CRASH!*

The door was flung open almost hard enough to break it against the wall. On the other side of the portal stood Wolf O'Donnell, in full wolf-mode. He almost got down on all fours as he charged across the hospital wing until he stood directly over Mario's bed, where he commenced shouting. "TIME TO TALK, YOU LITTLE S%*#!" he shouted, so furious he was forgetting the story's rating. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"Wolf, be reasonable!" Olimar gasped, so shocked that he was, for once, being somewhat assertive- well, as assertive as one can be while cowering on the other side of a bed. "Roy must have teleported away somehow!"

"NOT POSSIBLE!" Wolf shouted, growing more furious by the second. "YOU CAN'T TELEPORT OUT OF THIS MANSION! THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MARIO!"

It was around this time that the Master Hand came floating into the room, and Mario let out a sigh of relief. As frightening as Wolf appeared right now, he couldn't be _too _scared when the Master Hand was right over there.

"Calm down, Wolf!" Nurse Tessie interjected, placing her hands on his shoulders, careful to avoid the spiked shoulder pads. "Mario couldn't have, he's been locked in here since you left!"

"THEY HELPED HIM ESCAPE!" Wolf shouted furiously. "THEY HELPED HIM ESCAPE, I KNOW IT!"

"Calm down, Wolf!" Olimar joined Nurse Tessie in interjecting. "What could he have possibly done to-"

He faltered as Wolf turned on him, glaring so hard that Olimar seemed to be afraid of vaporizing on the spot. "You don't know him," Wolf started, beginning with a low growl and gradually ascending to a great shout. "You don't know him, you don't know him, _you don't know him, _YOU DON'T KNOW HIM!"

"Wolf," the Master Hand said calmly, raising himself, "enough. I hardly think it's possible for these two to have left this room since we all departed, but to be sure- Tessie, did you hear them leave?"

"No, I didn't," Nurse Tessie shook her head.

"You see, Wolf? Unless you're suggesting they can be in two places at once..."

Wolf looked around, from face to face, until it was clear that he wasn't getting any backup here. Furiously, he turned and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"I-is he going to be alright?" Olimar asked tentatively.

"Oh, I think he will be," the Master Hand nodded. "He's just disappointed, that's all."

"I know how he feels," Olimar muttered, tapping his fingers together. "It looks like I really _am _going to go out as the president who lost Roy Alluvia. I pray that my successor has more luck with him... he's a nice guy, you should meet him! Some guy named... Harkinian, I think..."

"I'm sure we will," the Master Hand said, his voice warm. "Now, about the floows..."

"Oh, yeah, we'll pull them back right away," Olimar said, distractedly running a hand through the three or four strands of hair on his forehead. "I can't believe their behavior- attempting to execute a thirteen-year-old- _without authorization, _no less! No, no, they'll be gone next year. We'll have to consider what to use as guards instead... bosses, perhaps?"

"Well, I'm certain that if you follow through with that idea, the Crazy Hand would be only too happy to take care of them," the Master Hand noted, a twinkle in his non-existant eyes.

Slowly, the crowd dissipated, Olimar and the Master Hand taking their discussion of Roy out of the doors and, presumably, up to the Master Hand's office. Nurse Tessie agitatedly locked the door behind them, and headed back into their office.

At this point, Link finally awoke, raising his head to look at Mario and Zelda. Seeing them awake, he quickly fired off some rapid-fire questions. "Quick, tell me everything! Where's Roy? Fox? Where are we? What's going on?"

Mario gently bumped his head against the head of the bed a couple times, before withdrawing into his blankets. "You can explain," he muttered to Zelda. "I'm just going to curl up under here, and not come out until it's safe out there."

XXXX

Mario, Link, and Zelda were discharged relatively soon, especially for Madam Pomfrey's standards- they were out of the hospital wing relatively early the next day. When they did, it was to find a mansion in a near complete state of desertion. A quick look at the bulletin boards explained this pretty well- between the day being nice- probably the best the mansion had seen all year- and the fact that exams had just finished the previous day, the staff had decided to have a Kurain trip on that day. Link and Zelda (pretended to) toy with the idea of going for a bit, before finally 'settling' on taking a walk around the grounds, reliving the whirlwind that was the previous night. They finally came to rest on the shores of Lake Delfino, where the Bloop was casually swimming along, carving deep ripples in the mirror-like surface. Mario watched lazily, his eyes casually climbing up the shores of the lake to where he'd made that reference the previous night- followed by the fiery eagle that had saved them all...

He tried thinking about it. This was probably, on a technical level, his closest call yet. After all, had the floows gotten him, he wouldn't have been able to go back in time- but at the same time, it was only because he _did _go back in time that the floows didn't get him. So, technically, the only reason he survived is because... he'd survived. He only survived because he went back in time, and only went back in time because he survived. He continued trying to figure this one out, even running it past Zelda.

"An interesting notion, in its own way," Zelda agreed. "But if I've learned one thing, it's that it's best not to think too deeply about the inner workings of time travel- you'll just drive yourself insane."

"But wait," Link wondered out loud, putting his finger up as though connecting invisible dots. "If Mario hadn't... then he wouldn't... but if he didn't... then..." he shook his head. "Oh, I've gone cross-eyed. I'm still trying to figure out why Zelda didn't tell us about the stupid ocarina sooner."

Zelda opened her mouth to answer, but suddenly turned red and desperately gestured for silence. They turned to see what she was looking at, and, sure enough, there was the Crazy Hand, streaking across the grounds towards them, giving a cheer that started in low, then started to grow: "whooooooooooo_ooooooooooooooooooooo_EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"You seem pretty happy," Mario noted, smiling. Crazy really was back.

"I be!"

"Well, I mean, considering Roy escaping."

"Yeah, dat not be no good, but dey be catching him _eventally, _right? 'Sides, sometin' _superspecialmegaawesomehot_ happen last night! Epona be gettin' herself free! She gonna live! Me not evin be _sleepin! _Me be partyin' too hard to be tryin' ta sleep!"

"Great!" Zelda said, nodding happily in a manner that Mario more closely associated with Maya than with Zelda herself.

"Yeah, it be so good! I means, I be kinda nervous dat Foxies geter, but he be sayin' he not get nuttin last nite, n' he a guy I trust, sos..."

"Wait, wait, wait, _wait!_" Mario gasped, standing up. "Hold up- what about Fox?"

"What, you not be hearin'?" Crazy asked, seemingly surprised. "Da word on da wind be sayin'- well, not word on da wind, it actually be Wolf- he be tellin' people dat Fox be a werecreature! By end of breakfast, everyone know! Fox not be denyin' it, so people be believe it! So, he be packin, now..."

"_Packing?!_" Mario gasped, leaping to his feet. "Why's he packing?"

"He be leavin- why else?"

"Why? The Master Hand didn't-"

"Noz, nose- he be resignin! I be sad ta see him go, but- Mario? Whereyougo?"

This was a question mimicked on Link and Zelda's lips, as Mario stood and began sprinting up to the mansion. Strange how he was moving faster with the threat of Fox resigning than with the threat of the entire universe coming to an end.

Finally, he rounded one last corner and nothing short of _barged _right into Fox's room, where, sure enough, Fox was in the middle of putting all his things into suitcases and traveling cases.

Fox gave a brief sigh as he looked up, not even turning. "I saw you coming." Despite his exasperated tone, there was a smile on his face. Mario looked past him and saw the Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion, which was, sure enough, focused on the room and surrounding hallways, where the only two dots were _Mario Mario _and _Fox Mccloud._

"I was just talking to Crazy," Mario said, approaching slowly. "He told me you're resigning."

"He spoke truly," Fox sighed, tucking a pair of specially-designed shoes away.

"Why? What, does Olimar think you really _were _helping Roy in all year?"

"No, no, no, the Master Hand managed to convince him that I was innocent- which, I think, really was the trigger. Wolf couldn't stand losing completely this year- failing to catch Roy, and not even seeing _me _punished, so... this morning, he... er... let slip about my true nature."

Mario sighed. "What of it? Do you _really _think being a werecreature makes you weirder than half the people around here? Heck, do you _really _think being a werecreature automatically makes you a worse teacher than King Dedede, or- Wave Existence forbid- Tingle?"

Fox smiled sadly, shaking his head. "Perhaps that's the way you think," he said, "but I don't think most parents would necessarily be inclined to agree with you. They won't want their students being taught by- well, by someone like me. Don't worry about me- I'm used to it by now. In fact, after last night, I see their point- I failed to eat one piece of meat, and because of that, I nearly replaced that piece of meat with all of you. True, some of the teachers here have special things they have to eat or drink to function properly- but if Samus, say, forgets to drink a cup of coffee in the morning, it doesn't have the potential to result in the death of her entire class."

"Debatable," Mario muttered. For a moment, he was silent, struggling to think of something, _anything, _he could say to convince Fox to stay, but Fox was the next to speak.

"I had a nice, long chat with the Master Hand this morning. The way he tells it, you saved quite a few lives last night- and this is the third year you've done so. Something about a two-faced psychic and a giga koopa?" Mario shook his head, unable to meet Fox's eyes. Fox smiled, reaching out and tilting his head up a bit. "I'm proud of you, Mario. Of the lives you saved, of your refusal to allow injustice, but most of all, of everything you've learned this year. Why don't you tell me about your final smash?"

Mario's jaw dropped, causing Fox to smile again. "Yeah, the Master Hand told me about that one, too- and for that matter, I recall seeing a column of fire when I was... out in the woods. Not something that's natural. Want to fill me in?"

Mario shrugged, and told him everything- the thoughts that had allowed it, the waves of fire, and, of course, the eagle, and the conclusions that he'd drawn from it. When he was done, Fox was smiling even more. "Well, right you are- your father turned into an eagle. Roy always thought it was hilarious- he was always calling him the patriot, Captain America, things like that. Only that one name stuck, but Roy was always coming up with more."

For a moment, they stood there, silent. Finally, Fox spoke. "A few 'end-of-your-third-story' presents. First..." he withdrew a very familiar blanket, white and thick, with color splashed around on one side. "Render unto Mario that which is Mario's," he smiled, handing it over. "I went back to Spooky's House of Jumpscares one last time, to pick that up. Also-" here, he reached across the table and lifted a piece of paper- "I'm not your teacher anymore, so I don't have to feel guilty about this."

Mario smiled as he reached out and accepted the Bombers' Guide to the Smash Mansion. "Didn't you tell me something earlier this year- something about how the Bombers would have found it hilarious if they knew I had this?"

"Oh, we would have," Fox smiled, a trace of mischief entering his face. "I wouldn't hesitate at all to say that Jake would have been sorely disappointed in you if you _hadn't _found some of the secret passages in this house." Slowly, he reached for his blaster and pointed it at the guide. "Until we meet again, Mario... so long, and thanks for all the fish."

Mario looked down as the Guide wiped itself clean.

Behind them, the door to the office clicked, and they turned to see the Master Hand floating there. Fox looked away. "Ah, Master," he said sheepishly. "I was just finishing packing."

"Need a hand there?" Master asked, offering himself, and causing Mario to groan.

"No, no, I've got it," Fox said, hoisting his cases and heading out of the door, making sure to shut it behind him.

With him gone, Mario looked around the office. It seemed so empty without all the things Fox had brought in with him...

Slowly, the Master Hand approached him. "Is something wrong, Mario? After last night, I though you'd be proud- you've certainly earned the right."

Mario shook his head. "It didn't make any difference," he muttered. "All that work, and in the end, Mumkhar's still free, Roy's still on the run, and Fox is back to being unemployed. Nothing's changed."

"Didn't make any difference?" the Master Hand asked. "Mario... it made all the difference in the world! You saved Roy from a terrible fate, uncovered the truth- it made a great deal of difference!"

Mario suddenly stood up, rigid. Words from the previous day- or six chapters ago- echoed in his mind. "Master!" he suddenly said. "I- I just remembered something- yesterday, I was taking my exam with Lucario, when he suddenly passed out, and started saying... strange things..."

The Master Hand listened intently as Mario explained. "Was- was he actually making a legitimate prediction?" he concluded.

"I wouldn't rule out the possibility," the Master Hand shrugged. "It certainly sounds like it's in line with what I've heard about how actual prophecies work."

"But... but..." Mario choked. "Doesn't this mean- if Tabuu comes back, then won't it be my fault for stopping them from killing Mumkhar?"

"Would it?" the Master Hand asked, looking at him. "I wouldn't be so sure- you did a noble thing, stopping Roy and Fox from becoming killers. What's more, Mumkhar is now in your debt- he owes you his life. Perhaps Tabuu won't be so keen on a follower who's in Mario Mario's debt...?"

"I don't want him in my debt," Mario muttered. "It really _is _a pity I didn't let them do it."

"Oh, really?" the Master Hand asked. "I thought it was pity that convinced you to do it in the first place. It is true that many who live deserve death, and some that die deserve life- but is it your place- or even within your power- to give it to them, Mario? Even the wisest smashers in the world can't see every end caused by every action- just look at what happened to Lucario when he tried. The time may come, Mario, when your pity will rule the fate of many. And... if it makes you feel better- I am fully confident that the choice you made last night was the exact same choice your father would have made."

Mario flinched, looking up at the Master Hand. But... he didn't need to be afraid, the Master Hand wasn't the type to laugh... "The truth is..." he said slowly, "I thought it _was _my Dad, at first. The person who saved us, with the final smash."

"A fairly easy mistake to make," the Master Hand nodded. "You _do _look exactly like him, except for-"

"My eyes, I know," Mario muttered. "My mother's eyes."

"Indeed," the Master Hand nodded. "And in that respect, perhaps Jake isn't as dead as we might think. You've seen _The Lion King, _correct?"

"I have."

"He lives in you, in your appearance, yes, but in your actions as well. Captain America returned last night."

The Master Hand gave Mario one last pat on the back, and left the office as well, leaving Mario alone with his thoughts.

XXXX

In the days that followed, Mario, Link, and Zelda, as the only three students who knew the truth about Roy's escape, played a sort of game, scoring everyone's theories according to how close they came to the truth, on a scale of 1-20. Nobody ever made it into double digits.

Bowser was furious about the events- not so much about Roy, but about Epona. The way he saw it, Crazy had intentionally let Epona go, and he was furious that the Hand, due to the evidence all saying otherwise, was unlikely to be prosecuted for it, making him even more furious that his father had been outwitted by the insane, disembodied limb.

And then there was Rob, who was more focused on Roy than anybody else, spending every waking moment struggling to put two and two together, but always inevitably finding it to equal twelve. It didn't help that the only person willing to allow him to talk with them about it was Juana Itoi, his girlfriend. Everyone else showed real concern that their brains would turn to tapioca if they let him talk to them too long- though it would still be better fate than being forced to read through the Harry Potter Headscratchers page, or put up with AFOSB (Last time we're making that reference, promise.)

Despite his talk with the Master Hand, Mario felt that this was the polar opposite of the ending of _Hylian Stone,_ which had almost been a complete happy ending. By contrast, this ending was only two degrees away from being a complete downer- the only ray of light was that Roy had escaped- which, considering he was back to being on the run, wasn't he brightest ray of light he'd ever seen.

On top of that, the atmosphere in the mansion was gloomy as word spread that Fox had left. Diddy Kong and Ness, in particular, united in spreading the very idea that Mario had presented Fox with- being a werecreature didn't make Fox any weirder or worse than half of the other people in the mansion.

Mario, however, had other things on his mind, and, in fact, it was the same as the _almost_ from two years ago- at the end of all this, he'd be going back to the Smiths' for three more months, and, after all that had happened, it would be like pouring salted lemon juice on an already open wound.

He'd almost escaped them. He had almost gotten into a position where he was free, free to leave Peach Creek and its bizarre name for good, living with Roy, who would have been the closest thing he'd ever had to a real father. Mario sunk into a deep depression when he thought of what might have been, and the fact that it had been snatched from him at the last second.

One day, while sinking into another one of these depressions, he read through the letters Roy had left with him. Each one of them began _Dear Mario_, and by the time he was through reading them, he wasn't certain if he felt better or worse than before. It was proof, above anything else, that he'd made the right choice, and helped convince him that Roy was every bit the good man he'd been imagining, but it only added various other chemicals to that lemon-juice-salt solution being rubbed further and further into his open wounds.

The next day, the results from the exams came out. Mario was surprised to find that he'd done pretty favorably in Smashing History, let alone in power-ups, where he suspected the only possible way he'd avoided getting an automatic fail in everything regardless of his actual work was because the Master Hand had stepped in at the last second.

Reason? Well, Wolf had, incredibly, become even more hostile towards Mario over the past few weeks. Every time his eyes fell on the boy, his claws twitched, as if he'd like nothing more than to sink them into Mario's flesh.

Rob had gotten top marks in his important tests, and as for Kirby and Meta Knight... well, they did well enough. Not as well as they might have, but you know them- they were happy anyways.

The end-of-year feast marked Nintendo's third consecutive winning of the Smash Bros. Cup. They were, this time around, a shoo-in, given the points they'd received for winning the Smash-Up championship. For that one night, Mario tried to shove all thoughts of the future to the back of his mind as he ate, talked, and laughed along with everyone else.

XXXX

But, as all good things must, the year came to an end, and the next day found Mario, Link, and Zelda finding a compartment on the Great Fox. The same compartment, in fact, that they'd sat in at the beginning of the year. As the ship began to lift off, Zelda was the first to break the silence. "So... I talked to Samus, and I turned in the ocarina."

"Wait, what?" Link asked, looking at her, shocked. "What about your packed schedule?!"

"I'm dropping the class for studying muggles," Zelda shrugged. "Without that, I can have a normal schedule again."

"Didn't you get higher than the highest possible score on your exam in that class?" Mario pointed out.

"I did," Zelda nodded, "but Crazy was right- I bit off more than I could chew. If I had to go through another year like this one, I'd be finding a rope to hang myself with halfway through."

"I _still _can't believe you didn't tell us about that," Link grumbled. "Your best friends, and you didn't think to mention that you were jumping back in time every three hours..."

"I promised Samus I wouldn't tell _anybody_," Zelda pointed out. "And sorry, but between you and Samus, you're the one I'd rather see angry."

Mario tuned out of their conversation, looking out of the window and watching the Smash Mansion fade away in the distance. Only two months until he'd see it again- two months with the Smiths.

Zelda's eyes fell on him, and filled with sympathy. "Come on, Mario, it's not the end of the world."

"Yeah, I was talking to Mom and Dad, and they were thinking you could come over again this Summer!" Link said excitedly. "I mean, I know how to use those whatchamacallits, now."

"Phones?" Zelda asked, her eyes half-closed. "You mean phones? I mean, come on, I wasn't even _in _Link's Awakening, and I knew that!"

"And besides that," Link continued, acting as though he hadn't heard her, "the Smash-Up Grand Prix is going on this summer- you have to see it! It would be a crime against nature if you didn't!"

"I definitely wouldn't have any objections," Mario nodded, feeling a smile coming to his lips. He began to run a finger down his lip, feeling the hair there- it still wasn't exactly what he'd call a moustache, but it was starting to come in, nonetheless. Maybe things wouldn't be _that _bad this summer..."

And so it came to be that Mario enjoyed the rest of the ride back much more than he thought he was going to. He and Link played extreme poker for the first time since the first story, and when the snack lady came around, the three of them pooled their money for one last glorious, sugary feast- though they all fervently avoided anything with chocolate in it.

But it was halfway through the ride that something happened that truly turned the ending around. Zelda was absentmindedly eating a chocolate bird, examining the card (Riki the Heropon) when there was a tap-tap-tapping at the window, and she turned to see an albatross flying alongside the ship. "Whoa!" she gasped. "How- how is that even possible?"

Mario and Link turned, jaws dropping at the albatross's resilience in keeping up with such a fast-moving object. "Holy Farore, open the window, let the poor thing in already!" Link gasped. Zelda nodded, opening up the window and allowing the bird entry. It was only when it was in, and Zelda quickly shut it, muttering a quick thanks to the world of smashing making it possible to open a window at that altitude safely, that they realized the albatross had a note attached to its leg.

They all stared at the little ball of feathers- and we mean _little_\- Mario could probably have caught it as easily as a smash ball. The bird leapt up and flew up into the air, flying around excitedly, dropping the letter on Mario. Parakarry and Simba both took notice- Parakarry turned around in a huff, looking disapproving, while Simba began to follow the bird with his eyes, looking somewhat like a snake before its charmer. Link noticed this, and quickly pulled the albatross out of the way.

Mario looked at the letter, and gasped at the name on the envelope- _Roy Alluvia. _

"It's from him!" he announced, and Link and Zelda both drew near to see what he'd written.

_Dear Mario,_ (it ran,)

_If there's one thing I'm hoping for here, it's that this bird gets to you before you get to Peach Creek- strange name for a town, by the way. Just want to fill you in on what's going on on my end._

_Epona and I are in hiding, of course- what else were we going to do, let ourselves get caught? Well... kind of. I can't tell you exactly where I am, obviously, but it's pretty far from the Smash Mansion, so when I let them see me, the Government will rush over here, and, hopefully, take those freaks of nature away from the mansion- I _still_ don't know what they were thinking, putting floows around a school. _

A couple of sidenotes- first off, even though I never got to tell you, for... obvious reasons... I was the one who sent you the Wild Wing.

"Told you so!" Zelda interrupted.

"Well, you got the reason pretty wrong, didn't you?" Link retorted. Mario silenced them and continued reading.

_Simba's the one who brought the order in for me- and it was kind of his idea, too, come to think of it. Or I might just be insane- I admit that is a distinct possibility. I just thought it might make up, to some extent, for all that time that I've been away- though, if you read those letters I left for you, you probably knew that already._

Also, since we're going back over this story, it just occurred to me that I might have scared you back in chapter 3 when the Tonzura Brothers picked you up. I just wanted to check up on you before starting for the Smash Mansion, but I think I gave you a bit of a fright. As for the playground acting up like that... yeah, that wasn't me, I have no idea. Kind of spooky, huh?

Finally, I included something else here that I think should make your next year a little better.

See you around- or not. But I'll definitely be in touch.

Your godfather,

Roy Alluvia

For the first time, Mario noticed a second piece of paper taped to the back of the note. Looking at it, he felt warmth spread through him like he'd just tasted some of Sharla's Mountain Dew:

_As Mario Mario's godfather, I, Roy Alluvia, grant him permission to visit Kurain on weekends._

"Well, not sure Samus would take that, but the Master Hand will!" Mario said cheerfully, leaning back. "Oh, and a PS..."

_Side-sidenote- I kind of feel bad for relieving Link of his cucoo, so I hope he'll consider this albatross fair exchange. As long as it doesn't turn out to be Louie or something, he should be good to go._

"Oh, really?" Link asked, raising his eyebrows. He examined the bird closely. "Well... a little small, but I think you just might do it."

The albatross chirped happily, flying up to Link's shoulder.

XXXX

Finally, the flight ended, and Mario, Link, and Zelda made their way back through the water park advertisement and into Seatac Airport. Mario stepped away from them, still somewhat reluctantly, as Link called out, "Watch out for an albatross- I'll get in touch about the Grand Prix!"

Mario smiled and shook his head as he parted from them and headed, as ever, to where the Smiths awaited him.

John greeted him as nicely as he ever did- "What's that thing in your hand?" he grunted, glaring at it. "Another form? If it is, you can take that form, fold it up nice and tight, and shove it-"

"No, no, no other forms," Mario said quickly. "It's a letter from my godfather."

"Oh, your godfather," John muttered. "You mean, the one that DOESN'T EXIST?!"

"Oh, no, he exists alright," Mario said, smiling slightly. "He was my Mom and Dad's best friend. I mean, he's become a convicted murderer wanted all over the world _since _then, but hey, gotta do what you gotta do, right?"

Mario inwardly laughed at the astonished looks on the Smiths faces, keeping his joy in him like a talisman even as he followed them to their car, looking forward to what looked to be a much better summer than the last.

XXXX

And... thus comes the end, on dove's gentle wing. ... I like Warriors, okay?

I think I just heard someone in the hall... weird, there's not supposed to be anyone else here right now. Anyways, thank you all so much for reading through all this way. Some of you have been following me since the beginning, and others have just joined in more recently, but you all are really the reason this series got as far as it has. I remember when I first got the idea- four years ago. It was just a random idea I got, and I never expected it to become as popular as it did, let alone as personally important as it has become. I've come to see these characters almost as my own family, and I always loved hearing that other people were enjoying this story, because I was always enjoying writing it- all the hiatuses aside. This will always go down in my memory as one of the most important experiences of my life. Thank you for sharing it with me, and, as always, please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 o-

*THWACK!*

XXXX

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Wake up, little gamer..."

Gamer4 slowly opened his eyes and looked up at the darkened room he'd awoken in. "Oh, no..." he muttered, throwing his head back. "I'M REFERRING TO MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON AND PAST TENSE AGAIN!"

"You don't get to complain," said a voice, drawing Gamer4's attention to the two otehr figures in the room- a man dressed in a dark sneaking suit, and another dressed in a sweater and lab coat.

"Wait, what?" Gamer4 asked. "You two... you're Snake and Otacon, aren't you? From Metal Gear?"

"Oh, so you _know_ who we are," Snake growled, advancing slowly. "Well, that doesn't explain why you're ending your series without including _us _in it... when Otacon heard, he was crying for days..."

"Don't tell him that!" Otacon objected.

"Well... I just felt like I've done all I can do with this series," Gamer4 gulped, eyes widening as Snake approached, a look of fury on his face. "Besides, you guys aren't really from Nintendo, you know? I mean, I know you were in Brawl, but you're still not Nintendo characters!"

"So you're saying only Nintendo characters are good enough to get into your story?" Snake asked, leering.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Gamer4 said quickly, putting his hands over his head in self-defense. "I just... I just meant..."

Suddenly, they were all distracted by a yelling voice: "GAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRFOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Everyone spun around as a wall came crashing in, revealing a half-naked man in a greek tunic- and nothing else. His skin was bleached white, and he had a red tattoo over one eye, and two large blades chained to his arms- which were currently readied and aiming right at Gamer4's neck. "You're ending the series without giving _me _an appearance?!"

"Oh my gosh!" Gamer4 was cowering further and further in his chair. "Please don't kill me, Mr. Kratos, sir! It was Gandora's idea to end it, I swear!"

"Four years!" Kratos shouted. "Four years, I've been waiting for my appearance, and now you're just going to _end _it?"

"I- is that true, Jr.?" came another voice from the hole Kratos had made- looking, Gamer4 saw a young girl with pink hair and carrying a bow, standing next to a boy with red hair and carrying a pair of handguns. "Is it true the series is ending before we get introduced?"

"You're making MOMO cry," Jr. growled, looking at Gamer4 with fury in his eyes. "I should let you know... I don't miss!" As he spoke, he raised his gun, causing Gamer4 to screech and duck even further down.

"Yeah!" came a high-pitched voice, as a white wolf with red markings intruded, with some sort of dancing cockroach on its head. "We didn't get our five minutes of fame, either!" Then, noticing that the narration had referred to him as 'some sort of dancing cockroach,' he began hopping up and down in rage. "I am _not _a bug!" he cried angrily. "I'm a _traveling artist!_" He was only cut off from his ranting when the wolf he was standing on knocked him off its back and clamped its mouth down on him.

"Begone, all of you!" Kratos shouted. "It is _my _job to seek audience with Gamer4!"

"Oh, go back to your own world!" Jr. shouted, aiming his guns at Kratos instead.

"Snake, maybe we should get going," Otacon said quickly. "Like, now, before things get any uglier..."

Gamer4 was on the point of following them when he found himself tackled to the ground by a strange otter/weasel hybrid, along with a man with blond hair and obscenely long ears. "Trying to get away without answering for yourself, huh? Not very noble, is he, Jak?" The man shook his head.

Gamer4 was on the point of begging for mercy once more when the other wall broke open, and a tall man dressed entirely in white, including his hair, burst in and struck his assailants with a flurry of punches. "ComeoncomeoncomeonCOMEON! Now, DIE!"

Gamer4 crawled away, doing everything he could to get away from all these raging third-party characters. He finally got out of the hole made by Kratos, and was on the point of running way, just in time to be tackled again- this time by a large, anthropomorphic hedgehog. "You're too slow!" said hedgehog taunted.

A gunshot fired, and both Sonic and Gamer4 turned to see Jr. turning his guns on them. "Back off, hedgehog, he's ours!" he called.

"Come on, step it up!" Sonic taunted, starting to dash around Jr. Gamer4 took advantage of the situation to run as far away as he could.

Eventually, Jr. triumphed by reaching into his pocket and tossing some coins into the air, firing off bullets into them, and allowing the ricochet to track Sonic down. Grinning as he spun his guns around and plunging them into his holster, he called out, "Try again in ten years!"

Looking around, he suddenly noticed that Gamer4 had vanished. "Hey, where'd he go?"

XXXX

Gamer4 ran as far as he could before finally collapsing, looking back at the mushroom cloud caused by the fighting between all those third-party characters. "I- _I _caused this," he gasped. "How... what... why...?"

He shook his head. "Alright, I understand. I can't... I can't leave out characters just because they aren't from Nintendo. No, I need to go back, make things right!" He stood. "But... but what can I do? I need to do something huge, something no sane person would ever..."

And suddenly, it came to him, one big flash of inspiration. It came to him like flash, like a vision burned across the sky. "I know... what I must do," he said. A smile spread across his face. "But first, to stop those guys from fighting!" And with that, he rushed off, back towards the raging battle behind him.

THE SUPER SMASH BROS. WILL RETURN

IN

MARIO MARIO AND THE BOTTLE OF LIGHTNING

XXXX

Hey, guys, how's it going? Yeah, the real end notes this time. Wow, you guys look... not particularly happy... heh heh... had you going there, huh? Could you... could you put those knives down? Please? I mean, come on, it was a joke, can't you take a joke? Where I come from, it's pretty common practice to fake your own _death_ and expect people to laugh- oh, that's not an excuse? Yeah, now you're pulling out bazookas, too... um... I'll go and hide behind the end credits, see you guys there!

Olimar (Pikmin) as Cornelius Fudge

Roy (Fire Emblem: Binding Blade) as Sirius Black

Mario (Super Mario Bros.) as Harry Potter

Tabuu (Super Smash Bros. Brawl) as Voldemort

Bootler (Paper Mario) as Errol

Parakarry (Paper Mario) as Hedwig

Rusl (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Arthur Weasley

Uli (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Molly Weasley

Kirby (Kirby) as Fred Weasley

Meta Knight (Kirby) as George Weasley

R.O.B. (Add-on for NES, Mario Kart DS, Smash Bros. Brawl) as Percy Weasley

Peach (Super Mario Bros.) as Ginny Weasley

Link (Legend of Zelda) as Ron Weasley

Oreo (Named after one of my cats) as Scabbers

Midna (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Bill Weasley

Linebeck (Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) as Charlie Weasley

John Smith (OC) as Vernon Dursley

Kate Smith (OC) as Petunia Dursley

Bill Smith (OC) as Dudley Dursley

Megan Smith (OC) as Marge Dursley

Lucky Tonzura (EarthBound) as Stan Shunpike

Magic Tonzura (EarthBound) as Ernie Prang

Telma (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Tom the Barman

Giygas (EarthBound) as himself

Ezlo (Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap) as Flourish and Blotts proprietor

Anolis Anomore (OC) as Miranda Gashawk

Dunban (Xenoblade) as Cassandra Vablatsky

Luigi (Super Mario Bros.) as Neville Longbottom

Zelda Hyrule (Legend of Zelda) as Hermione Granger

Blue (Pokemon Blue) as Magical Menagerie proprietor

Red (Pokemon Red) also as Magical Menagerie proprietor

Simba the Meowth (named after another cat, species from Pokemon) as Crookshanks

Fox Mccloud (Star Fox) as Remus Lupin

Bowser (Super Mario Bros.) as Draco Malfoy

Ganondorf (Legend of Zelda) as Vincent Crabbe

Wario (Wario Land, Wario Ware) as Gregory Goyle

Wollywog (Pikmin) as Mudblood

floows (Super Smash Bros. Brawl) as dementors

Crazy Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Rubeus Hagrid

Samus Aran (Metroid) as Professor McGonagall

Tessie (Mother 3) as Madam Pomfrey

F.L.U.D.D. (Super Mario Sunshine) as the Sorting Hat

Master Hand (Super Smash Bros.) as Albus Dumbledore

Wolf O'Donnell (Star Fox) as Severus Snape

Professor Oak (Pokemon) as Professor Kettleburn

Rosalina (Super Mario Galaxy) as the Fat Lady

Toon Link (Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker) as Sir Cadogan

Ness (EarthBound) as Dean Thomas

Lucario (Pokemon Diamond &amp; Pearl) as Sybill Trelawney

Saria (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Parvati Patil

Ilia (Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess) as Lavender Brown

Duster (Mother 3) as Justin Finch-Fletchley

Chozo (Metroid) as Cat McGonagal turns into

Epona (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Buckbeak

Loftwings (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) as Hippogriffs

Ghirahim (Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) as Lucius Malfoy

Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong Country) as Seamus Finnigan

Maria (Shadow the Hedgehog) as Pansy Parkinson

Mr. Saturn (EarthBound) as Trevor the Toad

Boo (Super Mario Bros. 3) as Peeves the Poltergeist

Tane-Tane (Name from Mother 3) as Boggarts

Stalfos (Legend of Zelda) as Boggart

Osohe Snake (Mother 3) as Boggart

Skulltula (Legend of Zelda) as Boggart

Maya Fey (Ace Attorney) as Susan Bones

Evil Magistrate (Ace Attorney) as Boggart

Lucas (Mother 3) as Ernie Macmillan

Pigmask (Mother 3) as Boggart

Yoshis (Super Mario World) as house-elves

Professor Andonuts (EarthBound) as Professor Binns

caterpiles (Xenoblade) as flobberworms

Captain Falcon (F-Zero) as Oliver Wood

Ana (Earthbound 0) as Alicia Spinnet

Paula Polestar (EarthBound) as Katie Bell

Kumatora (Mother 3) as Angelina Johnson

Gnosis (Xenosaga) as Hinkypunks

Aika Nakamura (Persona 4) as herself

Mido (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) as Argus Filch

Daisy (Mario sports games) as Professor Sprout

Pikachu (Pokemon) as Professor Flitwick

Vaati (Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap) as Marcus Flint

Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong Country, Mario sports games,) as Cedric Diggory

Wels (Xenogears) as Red caps

Bombers (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask) as Marauders

Captain America (Captain America) as Prongs

Strider (Lord of the Rings) as Padfoot

Spaceman Spiff (Calvin and Hobbes) as Wormtail

Mr. Hyde (The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) as Moony

Sharla (Xenoblade) as Madam Rosmerta

Zoey (Named after a friend's dog) as Fang

Miles Edgeworth (Ace Attorney) as Ministry Employee

Waluigi (Mario sports games) as Blaise Zabini

Pauline (Donkey Kong, Mario vs. Donkey Kong) as Cho Chang

Juana (Earthbound Zero) as Penelope Clearwater

Pokeys (Super Mario Bros.) as themselves

Teddy (Earthbound Zero) as Lee Jordan

Riki (Xenoblade) as himself

Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask) as Slytherin chaser 1

Linus Reed (Fire Emblem) as Slytherin Beater 1

Xord (Xenoblade) as Slytherin Beater 2

Ini Miney (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice for All) as Slytherin Chaser 2

Dahlia Hawthorn (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations) as Macnair

Flaaghra (Metroid Prime) as Whomping Willow

Mumkhar (Xenoblade) as Peter Pettigrew

Whew, those were some long credits! You guys have cooled down by now, right? Right? Well... at least you're not pointing weapons at me anymore...

That's right, I'm not ending this story here. Like I said before, I _love _writing this series! I couldn't leave you guys, just like that! I don't know when the next installment will be going up- though I'm sad to say that the best case scenario is around three weeks- but in all seriousness, I've been planning for _Bottle of Lightning..._ basically since I started _Prisoner of Subspace. _I'm still hammering out a couple details, but the broad plans have been in place for... quite a few months now. So, assuming this little stunt doesn't cause you all to boycott all my stories, I'll see you all there! See you in three weeks- or, possibly, a couple months, depends on how much free time I have- please R&amp;R, constructive criticism welcome, flames will be welcomed, just this once, because I frankly deserve them, and... Gamer4 out!


End file.
